Tantia, August XIII 1995
I can not believe it.
How could Mother not be my mother? How could she not tell me? How could she drop the news on me like that?
The second I read the front pages of this diary, I fled to the parlor where my parents were sitting and demanded why this had not come out earlier. They were not my real parents? My true mother was in Azkaban? The He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named is alive?
Desperately, I looked at them, wishing it all to be a terrible joke of Draco's, knowing it was not. It was the dreadful truth.
I am Tantia Lestrange.
I did not give them a moment to calm me. I flew to the safety of my room, flung myself down on the silken sheets, and cried.
Do not ask what came over me. Perhaps I was afraid. I think, more likely, I was simply in shock. How could Mother, kind sweet Mother, not be my mother at all? How could some other women, a Death Eater in Azkaban, take her place?
But I gradually calmed down enough to write in this diary. Now I think I shall finally open the door. Both Mother and Draco have been ceaselessly knocking on it for the past half an hour. Draco to tease me for crying and Mother to comfort me. Now that I do not mind being comforted and Mother has sent Draco to bed, I think I shall let her in.
We have much to talk about.
Capria, August 19 1995
I can't believe it.
I have to write it all down. Then maybe I can make some sense of it.
I'm not sure what I'm feeling. Shock, mainly. And scared. And upset. And, alright angry.
BECAUSE WHY DIDN"T SHE TELL ME BEFORE?
Tonight, Mum came into my room, very pale, and said she had to tell me something. The someone-just-died sort of something.
My first thought was: Dora! Is she all right? Mum told me she was fine, it was nothing like that.
She instead showed me a photograph of a woman. She looked a lot like Mum and a bit like me. We had the same hair.
And then Mum dropped the bomb.
She's not my real mother. She's my aunt.
My real mother is in Azkaban for murder.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Wow! This is awesome writing.!
The good: Tantia's voice is very strong and wonderfully written, giving an in-depth look at her personality. I'm guessing this isn't a just another fanfic where evil characters have non-canon kids and those kids are the most wonderful, kind, misunderstood people to walk the earth? Seriously, I'm really glad that Tantia is evidently just like her adoptive parents--elegant and snobby. I also love the ending of her entry. "We have much to talk about." Promising ending that makes me want to read the next chapter:)
OH MY GOODNESS HOW DO YOU SWITCH FROM TANTIA TO CAPRIA? Capria's voice is short, blunt with no fancy "Do not ask what came over me" about it. Even though her entry is short I love how you wrote it!
The bad:
All right, like another reviewer, I feel like you could use SOMETHING to separate Tantia from Capria. I mean, I know you put, "Capria, August 19 1995" but maybe use something else like what do you call those little stars, or use bold?
So, I know it's a diary, but is there any way you could work in some character description. You said Capria had Bellatrix's hair, but know nothing else about her, and nothing about Tantia at all. Like is she blonde like the rest of the Malfoys? That's the image that leaped instantly to my mind, so maybe add details like in the sentence, "I did not give them a moment to calm me. I flew to the safety of my room, flung myself down on the silken sheets, and cried," mention something like how her hair flew around her or something.
Grammer: " And, alright angry." Should be two words, "All right."
"BECAUSE WHY DIDN"T SHE TELL ME BEFORE?" This is just a typo, but it's distracting. It should be, "BECAUSE WHY DIDN'T SHE TELL ME BEFORE?"
"The He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named is alive?" Should be, "That He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named is alive?"
"I can not believe it." Either you can change this one too, "I can't believe it, " or "I cannot believe it."
Hi! This review is coming to you from Team Tomato!
I made sure to read the first chapter so I hope I have a good idea of what's going on in this second part.
To start off, I like a couple of things you've got going on. A diary format is definitely cool, and I'm looking forward to how you use that in future chapters to really delve into your characters. In addition, this mysterious feel is definitely inviting to readers. Who doesn't like a little delving into stories and discovering secrets?
Continuing on, I feel some anticipation for the eventual meeting of the two sisters. I love when the truth is revealed in novels, so I can't wait for that to happen in later years. I kind of want them to have known each other beforehand, since you've got a time window to establish a friendship before they learn about their true relationship. However you do it is fine though.
There were a couple of things I didn't like as much though. There is very little distinction between the two main characters, so it's hard for me to really distinguish the differences in their situation and such. Separating the journal entries with letters in bold or italics or at least a larger white space would go a long way for readers like me who gets confused XD.
Another thing is this was a pretty short chapter. I'd love a little more insight on the shock felt by both of the characters. The last chapter had a lot more of Capria, but a balance between the two would be most for your characters, I think!
Anyways, I'm liking this fanfic, and I'm looking forward to what else you have in store for these sisters! Hope this helped.
Hey, I'm here to review!
Inconsistent tense. This part is largely in past tense, so stick with that. It's confusing otherwise.
The second thing I want to comment on is the formality of the MC. You're using 1st PoV, so we should be more intimate with her inner working, but instead, the lack of contractions ('How could Mother not', 'How could she not', '... why this had not come out earlier...') distances readers away from the MC. Trying to write down how you think on the paper - do you think in full words or are there contractions here and there? Realness is one key factor to make the readers connect to your MC.
'woman'.
Anyway, I like the twist of event in this story. It definitely allows interesting to happen - it almost like a contradiction to Harry Potter, who is revealed to be the son of wonderful parents. I'm intrigued to know what happens next and how knowing your biological parents are awful people affect Tantia. Obviously she can be good without being associated with them and she has the right to treat her foster parents as her own, but I can understand how she thinks all of this is ridiculous, she being a teenager.
Ah, I can see why the tenses are inconsistent, given how Tantia writes about what's happening currently as well. Personally for me, a diary is where you write something of the past, so it's questionable why doesn't she make an entry at the end of the day. It's pretty exhausting to write it while things are happening.
The format of your dates is also inconsistent - between 'August XIII 1995' and 'August 19 1995'. I prefer the later one because it's more understandable to me - Greek (?) numbers are something that I'm not familiar with. Given how the diary owner is different - first is Tantia, second is Capria - it might be a stylistic choice, though I still prefer the modern version.
I'm confused with the second entry - is Capria Bellatrix's second daughter, or is she someone else's. I almost thought she was Tantia, given how their stories are eerily similar, but it doesn't seem the case when I read the entry date. I think it's better to put the dates in bold so that readers won't confuse and also make the two scenes different - while it can be about the same thing, Tantia's reaction and Capria's should be different as they are two different people.
All in all, I still think this story has a lot of potential. The mystery is intriguing and I expect to know the answer soon! Keep up the good job!