Published April 21, 2009
The scream erupted without warning, a terrible scream of death and torture. But then, there were so many screams these days, what difference did one more make?
"A hell of a lot of difference, as its coming from our neighbor." a voice spoke from beside her, causing her to jump.
"Damn it Peter! Don't do that-the whole mind reading thing is kinda' creepy."
But he wasn't listening, "My god Cordy, its so close, we could be next." He moved to lock the door. The action made her sigh with chagrin.
"We could all be next and locking the door won't help. Oh, you know it, don't act as if you don't." She scolded, watching his eyes frow dimas they so often did these days. She felt a slight feeling of remorse, despite her wordsbeing entirely true. No, she had no reason to fell sorry, none at all. And yet, the wat his shoulders slumped when she reminded him that there was no hope left...no, she was right. Saying that there was hope would be a completley blatant lie.
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140,939 Literary Works • 673,762 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay. This is an intriguing one. It seems we've got ourselves a bit of a short scene of sorts perhaps because it doesn't necessarily seem complete enough to be a short story, and there doesn't even seem to be an attempt at an ending, in fact, this whole part seems like a neat little start to a first chapter, so that is what I'm going to end up treating this as here.
On that note, I have to say this has some pretty solid potential. The interactions between the characters could use a couple of double checks for word choice there. Some of those words aren't quite used correctly, but besides that we've got some solid interactions and there's a decent hint at a pretty strong relationship between the two characters. I did like the way that was constructed there.
On top of that the mysterious scream and the bit towards the ending work wonders in terms of dragging the reader into the story. I for one do find myself very curious to see where exactly this could be heading here. So I think on the whole, this is a fairly successful piece.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thanks for the advice. I'll change that in the final draft.
For starters, from what was posted (all though not much info was given) I'm already fascinated. It's a really good start. However, there is one part that i don't really like.
"Damn it Peter! Don't do that-the whole mind reading thing is kinda' creepy."
I just think it sounds unrealistic. Like someone wouldn't really talk like that. I know you're trying to let the reader know that he can read minds, but maybe you could, rather than have her say it out loud, think to herself, i hate it when he does that... or something. But overall its a really good start
Hmm. It's intersting, and I definitly want you to continue, but it's pretty short for a post; I wish you had written more. That way mor would be explained, because right now it's intriguing but kinda vague.
Thats all I got. But please keep writing it! I'm curious as to where it's going.