"The Breaking Point"
What was it first that attracted me to you?
Was it your smooth covering,
So slick and inviting?
Was it the bright glow you gave off?
Or was it the feeling you gave me
When we were together?
Laughter and smiles all around.
You were never a toy to me,
Something to play with when bored
And to throw aside when through.
I am not the type to use or abuse.
My friends are not toys,
And my toys are not friends.
With you,
I chose friend over nothing.
Mistake or not,
That is the question.
Walk the Dog.
No, you are not my dog;
But I loved it when we went for walks.
Though without demand,
You never strayed far from my hand.
One or two steps you would take,
But you would always run back to my side.
Loyal were your actions...
For a time.
Around the World.
In the beginning,
Every move was forward.
Only in the end
Did we begin to hold back.
Our actions always came back
Full circle,
For better or for worse.
You lead me to different places,
But also gave me a sense of sickness.
You made everything exotic...
For a time.
Dizzy Baby.
Our boundaries were limited,
Almost triangular in shape:
Home, school, phone.
Mostly, I stood in the middle
Rocking back and forth in confusion.
After the circling was complete,
My head would ring
Constantly in pain.
I never told you
For I did not want to share the headache.
You drove me crazy...
For a time.
Sleeper.
I drop you down to the ground,
But I make no move to pull you back.
Request accepted.
You need your space.
If the trick proved true,
You should have come back with a single tug.
We had a second chance...
For a time.
Gravity Pull.
The simplest of tricks,
But it could easily end with a-
SNAP!
Gravity prevails.
The string breaks.
Without hesitance, you roll away
As fast as you can.
Nothing hurt me more
Than watching your retreating form
Fall out of sight.
For the first time,
I took the caution into consideration.
WARNING:
Life expectancy - short.
Satisfaction not guaranteed.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Oh, just...wow! I really liked it! However...
It gave me a sense of something. An outline. But it did not fill the outline in. I liked it, it gave me a kind of tingly feeling, but sometimes that feeling is bad. It's telling me something isn't right.
I could not see things clearly. Perhaps it is supposed to be like that? Maybe...I have read poems like it. I can understand you through the entire piece, but I wish I could be able to actually see things, picture things. At one point you state
So, we understand he (or she) makes everything exotic, but only for a little while.
But the line above that. "But also gave me a sense of sickness". You state it randomly, without explaining why s/he made you feel slightly sick. We know, quite well, that he does. It's perfectly understandable, just a bit foggy.
I want to see the images, I know there must be some there, but I can't see it. I can't really find other good examples to explain my meaning.
I do hope I am making sense...do you see what I mean? All the advice I can think to give you is try to read it as if you're reading it for the first time, and try to find the pictures and words in between the lines. There are none. Perhaps add more adjectives, explain some things just a tiny bit more?
Other than that, however, I did like it, quite a lot. Especially the ending- it was very cleverly done.
I'm so sorry if I am unclear, or not helpful. This is the first time I've had to critic someone else, who isn't myself, and it really is quite nerve racking. Hopefully I will get better at it?
I hope you post more stuff <3?
Emily