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Young Writers Society


12+

The Dream hunt: Prologue-part 2 + Chapter 1

by Dashia


 

A/N: Here is a quick cover I made, nothing serious but I thought it was a fun detail for those who read the story. This piece of writing wil be divided in two parts. The first part being the rest op the prologue, the second part being chapter one.  (Chapter one is more meant as an introductionary chapter)

Prologue part 2:

...The sky blue wallpaper tore, leaving a trail of destruction which was only the beginning of what was to come.

"Cyrus," The creature's raucous voice thundered through the house "where are you.. what corner are you hiding in?" he scoffed. The creature reached the spiral staircase that provided a straight passage to the ground floor in a turn. Step by step he went down the creaky stairs with ears perked. Cyrus, the lord of the house was standing by the hidden passageway, helping the last of the staff through the dusty corridor when he heard the voice. He was still holding the hand of the worker with his baby.

"Hurry up and don't look back." he barked at her. His chest heaved up and down

"But Lord-" the woman still protested, but Cyrus had already set in motion the mechanism that closed the door. "Go to the South give this to the lord of the desert, say you are a friend of Cyrus Chamberlaine, he will help you." Cyrus pressed the object into the maid's hands before nudging her further into the passage.

He caught just one more glimpse of his child before the door closed with a click, leaving no trace that could indicate there was a passage here just now. The dagger in the weapon belt around his hips he gripped with difficulty in his trembling hands.

A rumble disturbed the silence in the mansion as Cyrus wandered step by step along the rooms, not knowing how close the creature really was.

A soft humming made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. Anxiously, he ducked into the nearest room and closed the door with great caution. If Cyrus was lucky he could surprise the creature. Boots bouncing against the wooden floor echoed down the hallway, and the humming changed to silent chanting.

"Little, little naughty boy, wouldst thou terrify mother? wait, I will call him, I ,from the black mountains."

Cyrus raised his hand to his mouth to muffle the sound of his breathing, listening intently to the song.

"Grasp, joke, grim land, without lip or tooth,grasp, joke, grim, if thou wouldst beware now."

He recognized the song; his mother sang it when she combed his hair as a child. It had calmed him in the past, but the raucous voice of the creature troubled him. He looked around the room. Cyrus had ended up in the small library of the house. The antiquity of the books seemed to radiate power. Cryus hurriedly spun around as his hands slid over the spines of the books, searching for one specific book.

"Hear him, with his bear head, banging on the doors. Crack! he creeps into an attic, owl, owl, owl, the ours! Seize, joke, grim land, without lip or tooth,-seize, joke, grim! Now if thou wouldst beware."

The scratching of nails and the tearing of wallpaper sounded louder and louder. Cyrus's breath became more irregular as he cursed inwardly. The book he was looking for, that could give his child a free escape was nowhere to be found. The place where the book normally stood was empty, only a layer of dust lay on the empty cavity of the bookcase.

"Straight to bed he comes, boo. smirks at the curtain, but close your eyes, or you'll see his! Seize, seize, grim land, without lip or tooth, seize, grim! Now if thou wouldst take care." 

Cyrus stiffened when he could hear the voice of the creature close to the door, its gurgling breaths making his hands tremble.

"Hmm, I smell fear. How delicious." Cyrus could see out of the corner of his eye how the door handle was slowly pushed down "Are you afraid?" scoffed the creature.

Fleetingly, Cyrus looked around the room for shelter, but time was working against him and the door was already opening. The sound of the rain that by now sounded softer granted him some composure as he came face to face with the creature he recognized all too well.

"Hello, little brother of mine."

Chapter 1: Deep water (P.O.V KARA)

It was like the moon was right next to me, even though it was just a reflection on the lake. That if I stretched out my fingers a little more I could touch the moon. The crickets sang their song as I dove underwater, the darkness of the water swallowing me up as I swam deeper and deeper to the bottom.

The need for oxygen was already growing in my chest but I ignored the feeling. Just a little bit more, I muttered to myself, just a little bit more and I would have reached the bottom. Yet I shot upwards like a rocket hungry for oxygen. Gasping for breath I reached the surface and flailed wildly with my arms. The darkness, the silence, I enjoyed it, especially after experiencing the oppressive heat of summer in Arelia for another day. With languid strokes I pulled myself to the shore.

The soft coolness of the night made me shiver as I walked out of the water, my white dress sticking to me like a second skin. I rushed to the fruit tree where I had hung a towel from one of the sturdy branches. In one swing I wrapped the soft piece of fabric around my shivering body. Maybe I wasn't shivering from the cold but from the fact that I wasn't supposed to be here and was supposed to be in bed like everyone else in the manor. I was in need of freshness and all I did in bed was roll around. I was unable to sleep.

My wet hair stuck to my forehead when I heard it. creak... the sound of the twig breaking in the silence of nightfall. My hard began to race in my chest as I gripped the towel around my body more tightly. Standing motionless, I let my eyes slide intently over the surroundings. 

I didn't know what I was looking for, presumably it was just a field mouse or small animal that had come to seek the fresh air of the night, but a feeling told me it wasn't a small field mouse. 

It was as if I could feel eyes burning on my back, but when I looked back there was only darkness, an emptiness. My head turned away from the lake again and I looked straight into two caramel brown eyes.

"What are you doing out here so late?" Snarled Nikos, his face on thunder "If father found out about this he would have a heart attack" explained Nikos as he picked an invisible strand of lint from his black velvet shirt. Stunned, I gazed at him. When I woke up I had sneaked past his room and heard snoring that made the whole mansion tremble. He should be asleep.

"I could ask you the same thing" I bit back as I gripped the towel even tighter. I was concentrating on my breathing when Nikos made an appraising noise.

"I was looking for you, you on the other hand have no worthy reason to sneak around at night." I merely snorted.

"I don't need one either" I hissed as I got ready to walk in an arc around Nikos, but soon I was stopped by his iron grip around my wrist. "Just like I don't need a watchdog"

"I'm not a watchdog, it's just ordinary brotherly concern" Nikos sighed, as he let go of me again. He had probably seen my burning look on the hand around my wrist. Sometimes I wondered where he got all that strength, but then I remembered that as captain of Arelia's cavalry he did nothing but train and his arms were all muscle. 

I stomped on, gritting my teeth, back to the mansion that seemed to be magically shrouded in night, to my home and my heavenly bed.

"Kara" Nikos warned me "aren't you going to ask why I was looking for you?" sounded Nikos sweet voice behind me. He was good, very good. Nikso knew that curiosity was my weak point. That I would rip the hair out of my head if I didn't know everything I wanted to know. I came to a slow stop and turned my head doubtfully.

My eyes formed into slits as a grin painted his face.

"Speak up" I urged impatiently through the cold of the water that was beginning to seep into my bones. Nikos beckoned me with his finger for me to come closer, a sly gesture, but I didn't think twice and moved closer. The grass tickled under my bare feet.

"I have heard something among my messengers from the cavalry that you may find very interesting." My head tilted, an almost animal-like gesture.

"Go on." Instead of speaking further, he pulled a cream-colored envelope from under his shirt and held it out to me. Eagerly, I grabbed the envelope. My fingers slid over the red wax that had hardened into the shape of the royal seal, a snake that seemed to wrap around a rose.

Nikos looked expectantly at my hands as he watched along while I opened the envelope. Never before had I held a letter that seemed to weigh so heavy in my hands and yet so light. The writing on the thin letter paper was cursive and wild, playing with the edge of sloppiness.

The sun guards.

The sun guards.

The sun guards.

The words echoed through my head like an eternal curse, with wide eyes I looked up from the piece of paper to Nikos who was eyeing me with one of his sly grins. 

The sun guards were known all over Erdia as if they were gods. Everywhere they went for one whole week the sun festival was celebrated, the most magical and wondrous celebration that ever existed. There was dancing, laughing and drinking as if the next day the world was going to end. They came to an area only once every ten years. 

The last time they had visited I had been barely seven and too young for what went on at that festival, but now...I was old enough. Nikos took the letter from my hands and tucked it back into his shirt.

"The artists reside with the nobility as a show of respect for their work," he said as he began to walk back to the manor "Two of those magical individuals in each house, can you believe it?" With eyes of delight I followed him to the manor. That delight didn't escape Nikos as he snorted mockingly. I gave him a scathing look. 

For years I had wanted to experience the magic, ever since I stared out the window as a little girl when the festival ended and watched as thousands of lanterns full of starlight floated through the sky.

"Also in our house?" I asked as disinterested as possible. Nikos studied me from the corner of his eye as he blew one of his black locks out of his face.

"Also in ours" he repeated "with great pity" he mumbled after it. I gave him a poke. It should be an honor to have one of the artists in your house, let alone two.

"Does Dad know yet?" Nikos nodded softly, as if something was tormenting him.

"How bad can it be?" I asked filled with a magical joy.

"Very bad, I'll probably have to spend a whole week picking apart drunks fighting because of that damn festival," he sighed "not to mention that I'll have to share a room with Ameer." I laughed, a cackling laugh. That he had to share a room with Ameer was a a punishment he had earned after following me into the night. Ameer, the youngest of the twins the ying of Nikos' yang. They were complete opposites of each other, like fire and water, but seemed to work together in their own strange way.

"Speaking of the devil." snorted Nikos. I was so lost in my own thoughts that I hadn't even noticed we had reached the mansion. The white marble building rose from the landscape and gleamed in the moonlight. Leaning against the doorframe was Ameer, his arms crossed. The bags under his blue eyes made it clear that something had woken him from his sleep and from his posture he was not too happy about it. Suddenly I realized how cold I actually was, whether it was Ameer's look or the wet clothes, I don't know.

"The two monsters have apparently decided to return from their nightly adventure," said Ameer without a hint of humor, it was more of an observation "May I now also know why Kara is soaked and seems to be be beaming like a drunken idiot?"

Nikos walked up the small steps to the double door first and rubbed through Ameer's black curls, a challenge. "Nothing you need to worry about, little brother" Ameer rolled his eyes and gave him a shove. The marble steps felt cold against my feet as I stopped just in front of Ameer.

"Why is everyone suddenly awake tonight?" Ameer shrugged and looked at Nikos.

"This idiot here snores so loud it's impossible to fall asleep even though there's a whole wall between us." I shook my head and felt the sleep stick to me like honey and pushed the two boys aside so I could pass. 

They didn't even flinch and let me be. I didn't care anymore at this point the only thing that wandered through my head was that the sun guards were coming to Arelia. With that thought I drifted to sleep.

The day before the next full moon came much quicker than anticipated.


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47 Reviews


Points: 1200
Reviews: 47

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Mon Apr 18, 2022 4:40 pm
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Birdman wrote a review...



Hey there Dashia.

Just Birdman dropping in with a quick review to get your chapter out of the Green Room.

To start with, I don't usually review first chapters so it's a welcome treat. I am a bit wary of the prologue being split into two parts because prologues can be so easily ignored by readers. It might be best, when revising, to try to get all of that necessary information into one section so that you know readers are picking up everything that you're laying down.

I also wanted to touch on the novel picture cover before I go much further with the review. Picture covers are great and it's great that you have figured out how you would want your book to look in print. They just don't go very well at the beginning of literary works on YWS because they take up so much space. It's also not really necessary to include the cover beyond the first time you post it.
A more appropriate place for showing off the cover might be if you created a Writers Corner thread to talk about your project. Then you could place all of the story details in one place so that interested readers can subscribe to the thread and be notified of when you post new chapters.

It's a pretty good start to your story. I can see from the web you've started to weave that you can go a lot of places from where you are right now. Lately, I've been reading a lot of chapters where writers struggle with finding a balance in how much they're writing. In this space, I am getting a good sense of the cast of characters that you're trying to assemble, and then it starts to lean into some of the danger that they're facing. Overall, it's a pretty good mixture for a first draft.

My last nitpick before I go though is that your dialogue formatting needs a lot of work.

"Cyrus," The creature's raucous voice thundered through the house "where are you.. what corner are you hiding in?"

I see you forgetting to capitalize letters pretty often when the dialogue is resuming after an action. Polishing up your work is an essential part of making it readable and digestible. Fixing all of the little issues will make it easier on the part of the reader, and will make it more likely that they will continue on with reading the project. Look at a dialogue formatting guide like this one or this one, and then go through your dialogue line by line to see what might need some help.

I think you've got a great start here and I hope all of your future chapters go off as smoothly as this one.

For now - Birdman away.




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Tue Jan 11, 2022 6:25 pm
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StormyZSnifter wrote a review...



Hello! I think that this story is off to a great start! Right off the bat, you draw the reader in with your descriptions and figurative language. The action is well-paced, as is the tension.

My favorite uses of figurative language in this story are, "I shot upwards like a rocket hungry for oxygen." and "The soft coolness of the night made me shiver as I walked out of the water, my white dress sticking to me like a second skin." This is awesome! It creates an impressively detailed picture in the readers mind.

I also appreciated the natural, well-written dialogue. The first-person narration is applied well, and I'm excited to see where this story goes!

However, there are several types of errors throughout this narrative that interrupt the flow of writing, and, unfortunately, dispel the tension. This shows up after the first sentence(great transition by the way!), where you write, "'Cyrus,' The creature's raucous voice thundered through the house 'where are you.. what corner are you hiding in?' he scoffed."
These errors are simple, the main ones being a too-short ellipses(...), a missing period, and uncapitalized words(Where are you... What corner[etc.]). But beyond, that, it could use a slight rewrite to make it more effective. Consider:

"Cyrus," The creature's raucous voice thundered through the house. "Where are you... What corner are you hiding in?" he scoffed.

By itself, this is okay, more or less. The dialogue tag("he scoffed") is a tad unnecessary. So what do you think about this?

"Cyrus." The creature's raucous voice thundered through the house. "Where are you... What corner are you hiding in?"

This is just my personal opinion, though. As a reader, this is what I feel is most effective, but that's just me :)

Anyways...!

There are a great deal of missing commas and periods throughout the chapter, for example, in this excerpt:

"What are you doing out here so late?" Snarled Nikos, his face on thunder "If father found out about this he would have a heart attack" explained Nikos as he picked an invisible strand of lint from his black velvet shirt.

With grammar, this statement reads,

"'What are you doing out here so late?' Snarled Nikos, his face on thunder 'If father found out about this, he would have a heart attack.' explained Nikos as he picked an invisible strand of lint from his black velvet shirt."

Using Nikos' name twice also sounds a little bit redundant. Also, I'm afraid I don't quite understand the phrase, "face on thunder." Consider this version:

"What are you doing out here so late?" Nikos snarled, his face thunderous. "If Father found out about this, he would have a heart attack." He picked an invisible strand of lint from his black velvet shirt.

I would recommend capitalizing Father and also Sun Guards, as they are both proper nouns.

It all has to do with the flow and pacing of the sentence structure, really. This is just what I think but feel free to totally disregard this lol

Also, congrats on the awesome cover! I think that's so cool! It's very sleek and professional looking.




Dashia says...


Thank you for the review! You are completely right about the little grammar errors and will try to pick them out when editing. Since this is my first draft and still a rough idea I love the small tips, so thanks again haha.
-Dashia




Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses.
— Ann Landers