Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well this was a fairly powerful prologue here at first glance. We've certainly got multiple intriguing things to focus on as readers and ask plenty of questions about, its also a pretty decent bit of horror here at seeing this very powerful being rip through the human there like it was nothing.
Anyway let's get right to it,
The shrill sound of screeching crows echoed through the frigid night. As if they knew what kind of creature wandered the streets of Neval. Dressed in a black tunic with gold rag that seemed to branch into a strangely shaped spider web and equally black boots on which the bit of stardust seemed to glitter.
Undulating Clouds packed together like an impenetrable wall. A storm was coming. The inhabitants knew that the howling wind was their cue to hurry inside and flatten themselves around the fireplace before the heavens opened their floodgates. The creature didn't object to the rain; the traces it left behind would erase itself.
Farther on, walking down the long main street, the crows flew up because of another shrill sound, the screeching of a baby.
Okay, this is a pretty intriguing start here. There is a considerable amount of some sort of setup being mentioned there and we get to see a setting slowly establish itself here. It makes for a pretty neat little start I think and on the whole you've done a good job of pulling us in to the story as readers.
Inside the bespectacled mansion, a woman was busily gathering her belongings. The baby lay on the bed with arms swinging, wrapped in a blood-red blanket.
Clothes lay scattered on the wooden floor like paint splatters. With trembling hands, the woman tried to concentrate, which she barely succeeded in doing. A few raindrops bounced against the window before she made her way to the baby.
"Hush now" she soothed, one of her tender hands stroking the baby's cheek "Everything will be alright" The baby slowly stopped crying and smiled at the woman.
"Mrs. Chamberlaine" one of the older maids in the house came breezing into the room. The woman turned her head to the worker, the worried eyes of the maid staring back. "It is time, he has nearly reached us. The crows alerted us" she panted. The woman looked again at the baby who was still smiling as widely as ever unaware of any harm.
Okayy...it seems they perhaps now of this creature that you've mentioned here. It is quite clear that said creature is not here with any sort of good intention so this mention of these people perhaps being aware of that and actively working to avoid it makes for a very intriguing moment here as you wonder what this could all possibly be about.
"Open the hidden passageway and let the others pass through already" she commanded "Where is the lord right now?" The maid closed the woman's suitcase fleetingly as she paced across the room to the bed, the suitcase languidly in her hand.
"Don't worry about him right now, the baby and you need to be taken to safety first" the maid protested as she extended her arms to the baby. The woman nodded softly and stood up hastily.
"Go already with the baby, I will follow" the worker gave the woman a look full of pity "Protect her with your life" The woman had grabbed the worker's shoulder "Promise me" the woman whispered. The worker held the cloth wrapped baby tightly "I swear by the parygon" The worker's voice was hoarse as the woman released her with a relieved sigh.
Okay...I'm not entirely sure how that line managed to comfort the woman there but I assume perhaps it has some sort of meaning. It also appears that we've got a whole family sort of evacuating here through this escape tunnel that has potentially been built with something like this in mind. It also seems like this is the more well off part of town which makes me wonder if this is a targeted attack or if they are the only ones with the means to protect this baby while any other babies may be in danger.
"Go now" the maid nodded and scurried out of the room where a heavy atmosphere hung like an eternal curse.The maid had run out the door when a loud bang shook the whole house on its vests.
Windows shattered and shards of glass were scattered around the room like arrows with tremendous speed. The woman was knocked over by the immense impact, groaning in pain as she tried to drag herself away from the window.
Her nails drilled into the wood with every inch she pulled forward. He had made his entrance. The musty smell of the rain invaded her nostrils. She had to buy time for the baby and the others.
Oooh, well this is certainly quite some creature. It appeared to be more of the sneaky variety from my first impression of it, but now it appears this is something that has a little more of a hands on approach here. That should certainly create some intriguing scenarios here. It also does seem like the targeted attack is indeed what is happening.
"Aria oh dear, are we leaving already? I've only just arrived" Aria stiffened, it had been years since anyone had called her by her maiden name. She swallowed away the bile in her throat and turned her head doubtfully. The figure was illuminated by the moonlight that fell in. The dark eyes like pools seemed to eat away at her soul, a shadow creature.
"Leave my house, or you pay with your life" Aria almost spat the words. The creature grinned exposing its razor sharp teeth.
"You mortals are such entertaining creatures" he chuckled mockingly. His hands, encased in black lace gloves, slid over the end of the bed. "I can still smell the child where is it" he hissed.
Aria shook her head as she straightened her protesting body. "You're too late, she's already gone" she lied. Aria had clenched her hands into fists, her gaze holding the creature.
Hmm...well it seems this is one of those creatures that regular humans can perhaps only ever hope to slow down and I get the feeling, especially considering this is a prologue, we're about to witness a very large amount of hapless people get murdered.
The creature's jaw stiffened as he traced her face for anything that could indicate a lie. As if he had been trained on this.
"You are lying" the figure shifted at lightning speed to Aria. She hadn't had time to think when the creature's hands closed around her neck. Its claws pressed through its glove into the soft flesh of her neck. Raspily, Aria took a breath as she stared straight into a bottomless eyes of the creature. "I'll give you another chance where is the child?" Aria's heart seemed to falter, her chin raised high in the air. She would die for her child if she had to.
"I would rather die than help a servant of the night" The creature took a deep breath, his lips forming a thin line. He could hear her heart beating like a rumbling thump, fast and hard.
She knew she was going to die tonight.
Hmmm, at this point I think its clear to us all that she will indeed die tonight, in order to protect what appears to be a very important child for some reason or the other. It certainly adds an extra air of mystery into the situation to know that this being wants this random baby for some reason.
"As you wish" In a flash, the creature's claws pierced the fragile neck and Aria's lifeless body fell to the floor with a dull bang less than a second later. The viscous blood soaked into the wooden floor. Skillfully, the creature stepped over the woman's body, hungry for more. More pain, more sorrow and more blood.
A malicious cry that went through marrow and bone echoed against the ancient walls of the building. The man had felt how the magical bond had been broken now that his wife was dead. The creature grinned and walked up the hallway.
The mansion was shrouded in a certain darkness that kept you from wandering around at night. With a scratching sound, the creature let its claws that had pierced the fabric of its gloves drag across the walls. The sky-blue wallpaper tore leaving a trail of destruction, wich was only the start of what was coming.
Hmm, well clearly this creature is capable of some serious power judging based off of that. The way it referred to the woman as a mortal certainly did indicate it was a being beyond what normal beings were and one that could cause mass destruction at will. It is certainly on proper display here and leaving things unresolved like this does make for a wonderful end to this here prologue.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, I think this is a strong start here. We've got quite a few things that do catch our attention as readers and more than enough of a mystery to keep us wanting to find out more here on what could possibly happen next. I think it comes together very nicely as a prologue and does its job pretty well. I'd certainly want to read more of this story.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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Reviews: 4107
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