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12+ Violence

An Alien Named Bob- Chapter 1 (Manoj), Chapter 2 (Bob) and Chapter 3 (Codfold)

by DarthUbera


Chapter 1- Manoj

Space is big.

It sounds rather obvious doesn’t it but when you stare at it off planet from Pandora station you can see the dark void in all its beauty.

The abyss calls out as you look upon it and you realise how little is out there, you realise the chance of life existing is so slim and so small I appreciate my existence all the more.

The only real lights you can see are stars that have long since burned out and disappeared.

I looked away from the viewing screen to my name tag; Manoj Sharkar, a Lieutenant of the G.E.S Emperor’s Hand.

It felt unfamiliar.

I looked outside again towards the Hand.

My 2nd tour of Duty was to be aboard the gigantic metal ship that was docked outside the viewing bay.

I could see the passengers being forced on board ship via the glass airlock tube. Well Prisoners.

The G.E.S Emperor’s Hand was a prison ship and we were to take some of the most dangerous criminals to a penal colony about four systems away.

We abolished the death penalty during the Czirnick War.

Dark times for the people of the Empire.

‘Hello Lieutenant!’

Behind me was a familiar voice from my academy days, the unfamiliar title felt stranger from his mouth.

‘Didn’t think you’d see me again Shakar?’

Glooper was a Vrellexian, I know it’s a stupid name but when we found a living metal life form we rushed in with a name that we thought sounded good.

The saying was that the Vrellexians were twice as dense as humans.

Some sociologists argued that since Vrellexians had the natural ability to morph their limbs and their bodies into various shapes and tools needed to survive on their planet they didn’t quite develop like humans who kept designing new and better tools to use and survive but what do sociologists know? They ended up studying sociology.

I hugged my old friend who seemed to have put on a few pounds.

‘You seem a bit overweight Clangs, am I going to have to make you run laps?’

As a Lieutenant I had the ability to order him to do so but I didn’t think I would exercise it.

‘Well I’m pregnant.’

‘Pregnant?’

It wasn’t unheard of I presume for an Ensign to be pregnant, but this was the first time I had ever seen my gelatinous metallic friend and considered Claangs as a female of his, or rather I mean her, species.

I’m not a xenobiologist but in all the years I had known Claangs I had never even considered what gender she was.

‘Are you 1st Ensign?’

‘No, sir, that honour belongs to Ensign Pielar.’

She smiled coyly.

‘You’re gonna like him Looey.’

I could tell from her face he was probably a jackass.

He, I mean she, goddamn I’ll have to learn to remember that, had only graduated the same day as me so Pielar would probably have served longer than me anyway. 1st Ensigns were the ones with most seniority and space time.

I was going to have an Ensign who was mean and snotty and I will have served less time than him and have a higher rank.

Oh God this voyage was looking to be a pile of fwad before it had even started.

‘Well prepare for our superior’s arrival Ensign and don’t put too much strain on yourself.’

‘Yes sir!’

She saluted again and I stared at her enlarged belly.

‘Don’t worry, it won’t slow me down and the voyage is only a week.’

I’ll make sure to ask the Lieutenant Commander to keep my friend away from guard duty for the prisoners.

I can’t have anything happen to a pregnant woman.

The Rebellion was already developing enough propaganda against the GISF. Enlistment had gone down to the Galactic Imperial Space Fleet in the past few years due to some planets not feeling we were giving them as much support as they could provide themselves.

Morons who didn’t realise all the ships we’d lost in the wars against the Czirnicks and the Deevorii or the resources we had given to the most outer colonies of Space.

‘Lieutenant Sharkra?’

I saw a Lieutenant Commander’s badge on the older man who was walking up to me, perhaps in his early thirties, his face had few wrinkles, but his hair was greyed with experience and wisdom that I hoped to never see. Even looking into his eyes, you could realise he had seen horrors facing off against what I presumed to be pirates and rebels.

‘Yes sir.’

Both me and Claangs stood to attention and saluted our superior officer.

‘Are you both Lieutenant Shakra?’

I blushed at the thought; I had only just realised my friend was a female and furthermore not to sound racist but I much preferred human girls over other species.

‘No sir. Just me; sorry about Ensign Glooper sir.’

It was never the place for anyone but the 1st Ensign to talk to a Lieutenant Commander unless of course they were directly spoken too.

‘Well I need to give you a layout of the ship and our crew and passenger manifestos.’

We didn’t have any passengers per sae as there were just prisoners aboard ship but we referred to them as passengers nonetheless. I never understood why, I don’t think my superior officer liked it much either judging by the way he said passengers.

The snarl on his face as he had said it was filled with anger and bitterness.

‘I am Lieutenant Commander Jeoff Codfold but you may call me sir.’

He looked at me sternly and then smiled.

‘Or Jeoff if we are not in front of other superior officers to yourself.’

His voice was quite pleasant to listen to; he seemed like he would be a reasonable superior officer.

He stared inquisitively at Claang’s enlarged waist.

‘Ensign Gloopers I will put you on Conn duty for the journey away from any serious danger. How many days do you have left?’

‘One more month sir.’

‘Congratulations.’ Jeoff said with sincerity.

He obviously understood more about Vrellixian physiology than I.

The Commander took me to the bridge leaving Claang to wait for the other assigned Ensigns, there was to be two more under my command.

Under my Command.

What a phrase!

Perhaps I would soon say that a ship and her crew will be under my command.

I kept thinking about it as we walked through the bright corridors towards the bridge.

I also looked around at each of the door seals in the corridors, there were a lot of them but I needed to know where they were because one attack from an enemy vessel then we’d need to protect ourselves from the vaccum of Space.

The bridge was extravagant, larger than you’d expect. Filled with consoles and the other Lieutenants manning them.

I really shouldn’t have shown up late, it felt like all eyes were on me for it.

I could see the Conn that I would hopefully get some time on, it was the only thing I knew I was not trained well enough to do without supervision.

Flying a beautiful ship like the G.E.S Emperor’s Hand would be an awesome terrifying challenge I could barely wait for.

‘According to your files you were 2nd best in your class at Astronavigation.’

Jeoff commented.

‘Yes sir.’

‘I can see you looking at the Conn but not today Liutenant, I think you need some more practice hours looking at your record. So you are on Astronavigation this mission. Since this won’t be a long journey you won’t need to be on your post much and will be positioned in making sure the passengers are looked after well.’

He spat out the word passengers again.

‘Looked after well?’

I didn’t understand what he meant by that.

‘I need you to make sure that they have no chance to escape. There are some dangerous criminals on board. Most dangerous is this rebel.’

He brought up a file to my computer screen.

A rebel leader who defected from the GE.

Lieutenant Commander 35513. Species: Human (Esperian).

Oh.

My Fiance was an Esperian, an offshoot of humanity in that they were all clones of a genetically engineered woman who was supposed to be the toughest and strongest warrior ever.

As I stared at 35513’s picture all I could see was the face of the woman whom I loved.

‘Will the fact she’s an Esperian factor in Manoj?’ the Lieutenant Commander really had read all our files thoroughly.

‘No sir, she isn’t Cassie, she is a completely different person.’

Technically I was right she was completely different but this was still the face of the woman I loved, I will stay away from her cell block most likely.

‘Any other prisoners I should know about?’

I was inquiring of Commander Codfold not to know but more to stay away from this prisoner.

‘Well we have some space pirates, a few murderers, a Deevorii and we have this cell here.’

I stared at where my Lieutenant Commander pointed. It was strange, energy seemed to be going to some sort of force field device inside the cell and the Oxygen levels were too low for most living species to survive.

‘Who is there?’

I had to ask; Jeoff seemed like he wouldn’t mind me breaking protocol just this once.

‘I don’t know, only the Captain does. Apparently if there is anything outside these readings, even the slightest fluctuation in energy of Oxygen then we are supposed to immediately report it to the Captain and Doc because Doc has the genetic profiles on everyone on board obviously.’

It was going to be a strange voyage that was for sure.

Chapter 2- Bob

‘It’s kinda dark in here.’

I was just saying it as it was, the only light in the room is the overhead light surrounding me and my handcuff’s buttons are flickering.

I can hear a deep booming voice and behind it whispering murmurs.

‘Robert Hermanson, you are charged with the crime of being a Czirnik, how do you plead?’

How can I answer? They’ve done a DNA test, it’s not untrue that I am a brain eating parasite, the last one I know of.

I’ve been using this body too long, I knew I should’ve dumped this one but his brain was so tasty, like seriously he kinda had the fudge brownie ice cream flavour of human brains.

Dang I could go for some ice cream right now; not necessarily fudge brownie, but not not fudge brownie, if I could get some.

‘Guilty.’

I bet they can all see my smile. I can hear a smidge of fear in their voices, these must be some of the powerful beings in the galaxy and they are afraid of me.

I am so tempted to just say boo and see what happens.

‘You are the most dangerous being in the galaxy.’

‘So you’re gonna kill me blah blah blah blah, you think you’re the first to try and kill me, let’s get it over with.’

Am I laughing at my death?

Damn; age is getting to me, I think I’m having a mid-life crisis. I’m only like a million years old, I’m too young to have a mid-life crisis.

‘Don’t presume as such Mr Robert.’

‘I prefer Bob.’

In about 5 sound based languages I’ve encountered Bob and it means things like death and destroyer of worlds, in one language it actually means their equivalent to what I guess humans would see it as the being behind all bad that ever happens. How was I supposed to know on Earth it’s just a common place name that means going up and down really fast?

‘Well, Bob we want to find out a cure for your condition if we are ever attacked by your species again.’

‘A CURE FOR MY CONDITION! You mean you want to learn how better to kill me.’

Why am I still laughing?

‘I’m going to be honest you should have killed me, when I get the opportunity I will kill all of you, or if I don’t make it to you your descendants.’

They are all scared, I can hear the breathing.

‘If you think I can’t act on my plan then you don’t realise how long I will live, I will see your planets as they turn to dust, I will see your planet’s descendant’s descendant’s descendant’s try and escape their inevitable doom. I’ve done it before and I will do it again. You think this is the first Empire I’ve seen start? This will not be the first I see fall.’

Evil smile cue.

I really hope I gave one of them a heart attack, that would be hilarious.

‘Exactly why we want to experiment on you Mr Roberts.’

Whoever was behind the deep booming voice was really peeving me off.

‘We want to study you, see if using you can improve us as a species.’

This hadn’t been the first time this had been attempted on my species, not even the first time it had been attempted on me. Some species wished to gain immortality.

It’s like every being stared into the abyss of space and realised, that abyss is death; taunting them and scaring them because it will catch them and take them away forever.

Suddenly a zapping pain was coursing through the host and it caught up to me.

The electric shock was painful enough to shut me down, even with the adrenaline I pumped into this body.

Us Czirnicks only really devour the brain matter but we use the rest of the body, I’m not sure the science, some of us studied it but basically we improve the species, somehow I know what will make one species stronger and faster and tougher and then we activate that ability.

The room I was in was empty and reasonably large for a cell. I looked around and I saw nothing else in this empty metal space.

Stepping forward I bounced into a small cylindrical force field surrounding me. If this body had the ability to feel pain it probably would’ve hurt its nose.

I wonder where I am.

If I jump, oh yes, the gravity is artificial, just a smidge of a fraction weaker than Pandora station; my best guess I was on the starship taking me away to wherever.

Judging by the gravity I’d say the host was about a gram lighter than on station, barely even something you could feel but enough that I knew I was on a starship, a big one at least. Maybe a large crew, or a big feast.

Either I was on a starship or they removed fat from somewhere; God I hope it’s the thighs, these thighs could use a few grams less.

Due to our species unique ability we only took over dead organisms, living ones were hard to eat, like a meal running out of your hands as you tried to take a bite.

It’d be too hard to explain to humans but I guess that’s the best metaphor they could understand.

I pressed my hands against the force field and realised that there was no gaseous resistance on the outside of the field.

Outside was a perfect vacuum. You can’t easily move inside a vacuum and I’ll still need oxygen which I just realised means that I must be getting oxygen from somewhere.

Brilliant.

A prison cell perfectly designed that even if I escaped the force field I would be stuck in the vacuum of space whilst still stuck on board the starship.

I looked up to the ceiling.

The unit above my head must be an air vent allowing the host body to still stand, barely enough oxygen but I was slowing the oxygen functions anyway, why pump too much oxygen to a brain that wasn’t being used.

What little O2 I gave this brain was to keep certain functions active like the limbs and motor control. I could leave this body and try an go up the air vents but there is no telling how long I would survive if at all.

I figured I’d just sit on the floor and slow the hosts functions.

Rest now Bob.

I will survive.

I will survive.

Oh as long as I know how to love, I’ll stay alive!

God that is such a great song.

I miss the eighties.

Didn’t have big metal ships like this back then.

Chapter 3- Codfold

Seeing this magnificent Imperial ship was taking my breath away, hopefully not literally of course; Karen would never forgive me for dying and leaving her with Lila and JJ.

The flagship of the Empire though, they say the drive is more powerful than any other, to have been handpicked to be in this beautiful girl was more than I had ever hoped for even if it's first mission was prisoner transport.

'Sir if I may ask why are we transporting prisoners for the first flight?'

It was a good question from my Lieutenant; Shakra I think, I'm going to have to learn all these fellow's names considering we should be serving with each other for some time.

'I think firstly all first flights are normally short jumps, so we dont get too far lost within our borders, secondly Lieutenant, as strange as it is to make the first flight something like prisoner transport it is efficient, the Hand needs a first flight and these passengers need transport, even if we fail the test the only people hurt will be prisoners anyway.'

It was a callous little joke, there were almost never fails in the drive tests, two ships had disappeared in our whole history, the Callemento, which we discovered had been captured by the Czirnicks using a wormhole manipulator during the war, and the Fredricks, which although never found was assumed to be pilot error, why we have the 100% needed in the theory tests; can’t be losing whole ships of people now can we.

The Czirnicks were all dead, all bar our private VIP at least that I wasn’t allowed to tell even the Lieutenants about, and we had found a way around their technology, my Engineering teacher Mr Hoggle reassured us in my class when we learnt of the Callemento.

'You know the Pilot don't you Lieutenant, Im sure you trust her with your life.'

'Yes sir I do.'

'Well I'll trust the hero of Dawnbreaker and his friends.'

All of us were distinguished, we had to be to be on the flagship but this one Lieutenant was as honoured with medals as I was and was less than half my age, at the rate he was promoted the joke was he'd be Captain in 2 more postings.

But war wasn’t all glory and promotion, I could see in his eyes he'd seen loss and pain just like any other soldier.

I preferred the Naval forces over the Armed because I had to think of Karen and the children; I was less likely to die if I was surrounded by thick near blast proof metal then at a base.

I always went for a ship posting, a starbase like Dawnbreaker was stuck in one place build around a small planetoid with resources valuable to the Empire, few navy, and the armed treated us with contempt.

We didn’t actually think we were better but all trade in the Empire was done with the Navy. They wouldn’t even have food or shelters without us.

The Empire protected every wormhole capable ship that moved our people’s resources around our part of the galaxy right up until the Dark Zone.

The rebels called it control but we protected it, or at least tried to since rebels and pirates had been building their own docking yards or buying from Deevorii or Q'lchi or whichever non-Imperial state would sell to them.

Non Imperial ships weren’t helping build independent trade, they were just getting primed for attack by one force or another.

If a planet joined the Empire they could expect an increase in trade, easier access to resources they normally wouldn't be able to easily collect on their planet and the ability to join the most powerful naval force in the galaxy.

Why not every planet joined was beyond me?

'Lieutenant, I'm going to say hello to the Captain.'

'Yes sir.'

A perfect academy salute, I guess Mr Shakra was near fresh out of the Academy considering he'd been out for only a year.

The Peace protestors on Earth were against training of more troops, they said it brought us back to the days of anarchy when Earth was fighting against each other; truth was we were undermanned, they were protesting because they were in the heart of the Empire, not on the outskirts, they’d never see an attack, hadn't since the Czirnick Wars, God we can barely hold against the Deevorii and their Estrani or the Rebellion, if the Czirnicks came back by damn we may not survive this time.

'Captain Raddison!'

The wispy white-haired man looked me over with a straight face that quickly turned to a smile.

'Codfold, I was surprised to see your name, I asked myself is it the same man who I fought with on the Everforge.'

'Well it was one fist fight sir.'

'None of that sir fwad around me young man, we have tasted battle together.'

Raddison laughed.

Perhaps it was improper protocol, but we had been in a brawl fight together, that's how I met Karen, putting her abusive boyfriend in hospital was certainly a conversation starter.

‘Well I’d love to catch up but we’d best be off to duty sir!’

‘We’ll grab a whiskey some time, long way to the system.’

The Captain was being too informal now. We were friends, but I would never drink on the job.

‘Mr Shakra I’d like you to meet Captain Raddison.’

The young man had just been staring at the both us, friends catching up after years apart.

‘Ah yes, my wife spoke highly of you.’

‘Your wife?’

Radison asked.

‘Yes Cassandra, she was an Esperian.’

‘I don’think I ever met her sorry.’

‘Oh she said she had met a Captain Raddison, it must’ve been another sir.’

A strange interaction indeed.

The young man saluted and we walked towards the prisoners, time to get to know these passengers we were taking to their new home.


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Thu Jun 04, 2020 8:46 pm
JabberHut wrote a review...



Hello!! I'm back! :D I'll give my thoughts on each chapter than some final thoughts at the end.

Chapter 1

I found it hilarious but interesting that a thirty-year-old guy was considered old. Either humans don't live as long as they used to, or this lieutenant commander has been through a lot. or is just graying early but hey, at least he has hair!

I LOVED how this ended with a lot of foreshadowing with what's to come. There's this Esperian who looks like Manoj's fiancee, and then there's the most dangerous criminal he had pointed out just before that. THEN there's the mysterious one that has some relation to oxygen, but apparently it's not very dangerous since the lieutenant commander didn't explain until asked. A prisoner like that sound SUPER dangerous, though. Or maybe dangerous to itself only. I don't knoW IT'S A MYSTERY.

You have some really neat diversity here, which intrigues me greatly about the world you created. Manoj's friend sounds like a really neat character. I hope nothing bad happens to her.... The names you have are awesome, too, and truly sound otherworldly like Vrellixian.

I don't understand why Manoj blushed after the lieutenant commander called their name. I've been reading that section over and over and can't really see any explanation except that it's been misplaced?

Manoj's voice is a bit dry, but it works with dry humor like their quip about sociology. They seem a little uncomfortable with their new position as lieutenant. Anything else we learn is read off the file the lieutenant commander is referring to. This is a good way to drop information without making it feel like an info-dump though, and I think it worked super well. I look forward to seeing why or how Manoj may be considered 2nd top of their class, though I think their inquisitive nature during this discussion was a good hint at their intelligence. However, I can't help but notice they were only 2nd... :)

Chapter 2

I wonder why these people feel inclined to tell Bob their plans. Bob is kinda crazy and hilarious and I can totally see him threatening everyone with his plans because he has no fear, nothing to hide, and is more than confident that no one can stop him. However, the others should be a bit more cautious and don't really owe this prisoner any explanation if they already know he's a Czirnik.

Then again, they kind of change their tune over time. They start out as if they were going to sentence him to death, the tone was so serious as they said his crime was merely being a Criznik (and not, like, killing 12394823 innocent lives). Then it turns into a "we want to help you kill this parasite without killing the host."

Even Bob doesn't know how his species works. This must be a brand new parasite if they don't have much intelligence at all, just an instinct to eat brains. From the description Bob gave us, though, it sounds like there's no saving this guy. I wonder if the humans know that?

Bob's voice is so great. XD He's the scary-insane type. I love it. MUCH SNARK.

Oh wait, so they don't eat the brain. They're really just a parasite controlling the brain. I think.

This sadly felt a bit info-dumpy and I'm worried I won't remember all these details about the Czirnik, but hoepfully I'll keep up okay! This is definitely a scary concept, though I can't help but mentally screech at them to just burn Bob. XD

Chapter 3

Ooooh so Codfold must be the lieutenant commander from earlier if Shakra is his lieutenant.

OH THAT'S RIGHT. Czirniks are presumably extinct, which means Bob is a survivor. I wonder how they were extinct before? If it wasn't the humans that wiped them out (as they seem to have not had any technology advancement until now), I wonder what happened to the Czirnik and how Bob survived?!

Codfold is really perceptive to see all that from a glance and talking to him only a little. We didn't really get that kind of character analysis, so Codfold clearly has a skill in reading people and I can't help but take his word for it. Shakra was intuitive, for sure, but I've yet to really see him in action so I can't really agree with him any other way.

I love how he's just spewing out history facts like we're supposed to know it, and I'm not being sarcastic. This really helps us understand just how intelligent this guy is and how experienced he is. He has a really good grasp on how the world works. (Are we sure he's not, like, 50?!)

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW I love the little bit about how he met Karen. Omg what a hero.

XD Codfold said they had to go back to duty and then didn't leave, but instead introduced Shakra. I think the dialogue got a bit jumbled again.

Wait is Shakra married or engaged? Maybe I got mixed up somewhere. It IS interestiong, though, that his wife/fiancee knows the captain (or a Captain Raddison). I feel like this is going to come into place later, but I can't help but wonder how!

Final Thoughts

I'm starting to see why the style feels disjointed. Sections like this are needlessly split up into their own lines:

I’ll make sure to ask the Lieutenant Commander to keep my friend away from guard duty for the prisoners.

I can’t have anything happen to a pregnant woman.


Paragraphs are designed to separate topics or ideas and then string them together with fluid transition. It's not that much different than an essay. Line breaks DO create effect, of course -- but sometimes it's for the brief pause, and sections like the one I quoted here have no reason to require this kind of dramatic effect. It certainly doesn't feel quick because nothing quick is happening here -- the whole scene there is just two people talking. It's like staring into a five-year-old's eyes and saying, "Mom served ice cream. <line break> I... ate it." Well, of course you ate that ice cream. We had no reason to suspect you 1) hated ice cream since your mother made it for you and 2) were poisoned because she is your mother. So with the example above, why is the line about a pregnant woman so dramatically effected? We already know she's pregnant, the speaker is simply explaining his/her reasoning. The lack of paragraphing here actually slowed the narrative down rather than sped it up.

So yeah, I think I'd just be really careful about splitting up paragraphs too often. It doesn't always speed up the narrative -- that usually jsut comes down to sentence structure alone. "Mom served ice cream. I ate it," reads far quicker than this:

"Mom served ice cream.

I ate it."

Smoother still: "I ate ice cream with my mom." Who cares who served it?

And additionally, breaking up paragraphs so often makes it super easy to forego transition sentences, so those smaller paragraphs or one-sentence paragraphs will feel random to the reader like it had no purpose. It's the art of storytelling, just with a complex medium!

I do think this could make a REALLY neat webseries or webcomic though. Honestly, it reads simply enough that I think visuals would really support the story. That way, the reader can feel more like we're actually there experiencing the story too. Makes it easier to picture. And you don't have to worry about writing description!! (I'm so miserable at that, let me tell you. I don't have the rich vocabulary for it! XD)

The story is starting to piece together a bit though. My favorite character by far is the lieutenant commander, presumably Codfold. I think his personality came out the most and he shared some relatable information or backstory that, in turn, gives him the motivation to do what he does. He has goals that he wants to accomplish, people he really cares about, and a drive that keeps him moving forward. Plus he's witty, wise, and... well, I can't think of another w-word here, but it would've sounded cool.

I look forward to reading more! :D




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Sun May 24, 2020 11:53 pm
LanaOverland wrote a review...



Hi,

So a couple things I noticed:

The paragraphs could be less split up. There are a lot of one sentence paragraphs which are following a continuous line of thought which I think might flow a bit better as one paragraph. Each paragraph is like a pause and if you read it all out those pauses don’t really add much to what you’re saying. I would look through the entire piece for instances. It helps to read things out loud to tell what flows the best. I usually read mine out with character voices, if that helps.

“It sounds rather obvious doesn’t it but when you stare at it off planet from Pandora station you can see the dark void in all its beauty.“
----I would caution against the use of “you” statements in your writing. It can be distracting to talk directly to the reader and pull them out of the moment. I know that seems like a broad thing to say. It’s that old “well you shouldn’t do that” statement. So to clarify, what I mean is that this paragraph is working to set up Manoj’s story and their perspective on life, existance, space, and etc., and convince us of Manoji’s world. Writing a statement addressed to the audience is the equivalent of a scene freezing in a movie and the character turning to you and have a conversation. Yes there are cases where that works, but for most circumstances it pulls us out of the moment and reminds us that we’re here and they’re there. So while it’s technically possible that the narrator is talking directly to the reader, it pulls away from the purpose of the narrative here. It would be better to have Manoji say “when I stare at it off from Pandora station” because then we the audience can stay in the moment and get a more direct sense that this is something that they do. Thus giving us a better sense of Manoji as a character rather than as a voice. Or “The only real lights out beyond the glass are the stars that have long since burned out and disappeared.”

“I looked away from the viewing screen to my name tag; Manoj Sharkar, a Lieutenant of the G.E.S Emperor’s Hand.” ---- It seems weird that they’re looking down at their name tag for no particular reason. You go on to say that this felt unfamiliar, teasing that this is a new role, but there should probably be a reason in text why they do it. Like, the noticed in the reflection that it was off center or they’re putting it on, or another character points it out. Again, staying in the action of the moment as much as possible. And does this moment need to be here at all since another character sparks the same thought a few paragraphs later.

“I could see the passengers being forced on board ship via the glass airlock tube.” ----Again this is another perspective thing. But it helps build up that audience immersion to avoid “I saw” or “I felt” statements as much as possible. This is one because “I verbed” is a phrasing you’re going to use a lot in first person and that can get repetitive, but also because it creates another layer of separation between the audience and the narrator. When we read we’re more or less trusting that what the narrator says is what they experienced so if something is visible it’s redundant to say that they saw it. It could just as easily be rewritten as “Outside the viewing bay there was a line of passengers boarding the ship via the glass airlock tube. Well prisoners” and then that could follow with a description as to how they’re being forced. Is it physical violence? Guns? Are they chained? Do they have any distinguishing features like jumpsuits or hair styles that tell Manoj that they’re prisoners?

“this was the first time I had ever seen my gelatinous metallic friend and considered Claangs as a female of his, or rather I mean her, species.” ----no offense here, but it’s kinda not great that Manoji assumes their old friend—who’ve they’ve used he/him/his pronouns for up until now---starts to use she pronouns because they’re pregnant. Pronouns are something that change when the person says they want them to change, not when they prove to be impregnable. You might consider using they/them pronouns for Claangs to show the ambiguity in their appearance. Also a description to show this apparent ambiguity would help, even just a short one.

“‘I don’t know, only the Captain does. Apparently if there is anything outside these readings, even the slightest fluctuation in energy of Oxygen then we are supposed to immediately report it to the Captain and Doc because Doc has the genetic profiles on everyone on board obviously.’”----this is the first point the lieutenant commander should have brought up. Because it’s weird and that’s the abnormality. Then everything else after that.




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Mon May 11, 2020 6:35 am
ChrisCalaid wrote a review...



Hi DarthUbera. I'm here for a short review. And to tell you how wonderful your writing is.

Let's jump in!

1)I really enjoyed reading your work. And I think the title is quite interesting.

2)There's some fragments in your writing that really needs to be fixed.
Such as "Space is big."
Need to be changed, "The space is big"

3) I suggest you write more descriptive words and illustrations.

For example, in this sentence: "I miss the eighties."
You could add down your feelings for example, to make the sentence bit more expressive.

4)In some parts of your writing, there are places that you forgot to put commas. And since there aren't many, I'll show you where.

‘Yes Cassandra, she was an Esperian.’
You need a comma after "Yes".

'Yes, Casandra, she was an Esperian.'

I know writing is quite a lot about the writer's freedom and imagination, but it's grammatically incorrect. The reason why it's incorrect is because the dialogue is written differently than the way you say. So you put commas after "yes" and "no" in every sentence, dialogue, or not.

‘I don’think I ever met her sorry.’
I suggest you leave a space between the word "don't, and 'think", so it's easier for readers to read. And you also need a comma between "her", and "sorry, or else you have to separate them in two sentences.

So it should be, 'I don't think I ever met her, sorry.'



‘Oh she said she had met a Captain Raddison, it must’ve been another sir.'
I advise you to put a comma after "Oh", or you can put an exclamatory mark after it, then separate to two sentences. And you don't need 'a' before 'Captain Raddison' because it's a name.

So it would be, 'Oh, she said she had met Captain Raddison, it must've been another sir'.

'Yes sir I do.'
This one just like the first on needs a comma after "yes".

So, 'Yes, sir I do.'

'Well I'll trust the hero of Dawnbreaker and his friends.'
You should put a comma after 'Well'.

So, 'Well, I'll trust the hero od Dawnbreaker and his friends.'


*No offense in above, it's all just suggestions and it's your work so feel free to take my advice.


Again I really enjoyed reading your marvelous novel.

Keep on writing!

>ChrisDixon




DarthUbera says...


Thank you so much, I've never been as good as catching the spelling and grammar errors in my work.
I had cut out a lot of expressionism, just because it did start cluttering the story but I might add sone bits back in.
Thank you so much




What praise is more valuable than the praise of an intelligent servant?
— Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice