Published November 6, 2010
He said what he said
Then turned to go
What he could've had
He'll never know
He stole her future
Sent her back to the past
Where their memories
Would ever last
He made her sunset
Turn to grey
His biggest mistake
Was: walking away
Please tell me what you think 
Thanks!
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140,582 Literary Works • 673,538 Reviews
Hi! I'm pointe and I will be reviewing you today
except for some grammar problems this is AWESOME!
He said what he said
Then turned to go,
What he could've had
He'll never know.
He stole her future.
Sent her back to the past,
Where their memories,
Would ever last.
He made her sunset,
Turn to grey.
His biggest mistake
Was: walking away........
~As for the title needed problem: Maybe everlasting pain or Walking
~Overall I give this a
~if you need any other reviews or title ideas click the link below (in my signature) and I would be happy to
~good job and GOOD LUCK!
Haha, never thought I'd be reviewing Darth Vader
but on with the feedback.
)
I thought this was a very good poem. Short and sweet, with a good, flowing rhyme scheme. I think it's because I was staring at your avatar while I was reading it, but I subconsciously fit this poem to the story of Annikan Skywalker and whats-her-name the Rebel queen. Probably just me, but I found myself imagining the whole scenario concerning them falling in love and then him turning evil and leaving her, blah-de-blah-blah.
Wow, that was pointless.
Okay, firstly, I agree with what your previous reviewers have said, so I am not going to repeat anything, merely expand upon a few things. (But first I must tell you that the colon is not needed i the last line, nor are the italics. Sorry about that, ignore me if you will.
Next, I found the last stanza very, very powerful. It was an extremely good way to end the poem.
Sorry I can't give you more advice than this.
God bless,
Ignis
Oh wow
Thanks so much for the reviews!
I know it's not amazing but i was just sick today, lying in bed, so i just came up with that
But i totally get what you all mean about the poem not having that many details.. i'll try work on it.
Thanks again! Much appreciated!
xxx
Oh and @Flower-child.. It is actually supposed to be "ever". I was trying to mean that she would be left with their ever-lasting memories, but no new ones would ever be created again... If that makes any sense at all
Hey, Darth.
So, I liked this poem a lot - it was very sweet and simple and I think, like hhrockstarz said, it's easy for a lot of girls to relate to. She made some good points in her review, so I'll be careful to not repeat too much of what she said but just try to reinforce those points. ^^
You've got some good groundwork in this poem; expand on it! What are these two characters like? How did his life function afterward, and what made him decide that leaving his girlfriend probably wasn't the best idea? Why did he decide to break up with her? When he was making up his mind, do some particular memories pass by his mind? If you expand upon that, let us know he broke up with her, we'll get a better sense of what was going on and sympathize with him more once he realizes he's made a mistake. Does he try to reconcile with her?
Once you add more information to the storyline of this poem, it will be easier to add imagery and rhythm. Right now we barely have a sense of the scene at hand. During their break-up, was he quivering? Did sob uncontrollably after he left? Where and when did he break up with her? Describe that scene to us.
Hope this review helps - feel free to PM me if you have any questions.
-Elinor x
Hey there, Flow here and I will be your reviewer for today! I just want to start off by saying that I like this. I love the simplicity of it, and I think you nailed the rhyming without sounding forced at all. That is a feat many writers to this day cannot get. The only thing about it being so short though is that you dont really give us anything to hang onto. You tell a typical love story and we have all heard it before. Every reader wants to read something new and exciting. Besides the perfect rhymes you gave us nothing new.
I would suggest adding some description and metaphors to make this truly beautiful. I don't think I had many comments below, so I will leave you with my comments above.
I love this because its short, sweet, and EVERY girl in the universe can relate to.
I dont think you need the " : " In the last line, however.
You seem like a good potential writer.
Short poems like this seem like only a taste of what great writers can do.
Why not putting your skills to the test and writing something longer?
Give us how bad this girl felt, all the questions running through her head, did she ever find hope? Is there a reason why the guy walked away? Was their relationship even a good one?
Keep writing love, and PM me anytime you want advice, or just to talk.
-Haley