Published May 23, 2010
“Power-ball offers you the chance to win sums of money greater than any amount the standard lottery can offer...” I had heard this advert numerous times on the radio whilst on the road and like millions of other people, I had been trying my luck on a regular basis. Who wouldn’t want the status of “South Africa’s Newest Millionaire”?
It was late one Friday night when I arrived home after a long day at the office. I raided the fridge looking for a quick snack to eat before settling down before the television set and my usual doze. My slumber was interrupted by a catchy tune announcing the Power-ball draw. “... and the winning numbers are 7; 21; 13; 42; 2 and the power-ball is number 11.” I yawned lazily as I pessimistically reached into my pocket for the ticket I had bought earlier that day. As I gazed at the crumpled piece of paper, my eyes widened, my heart-rate quickened and for what seemed like an eternity, I froze! I held in my hand the ticket to a golden future! This was my chance to escape the hum-drum of my everyday existence. Yes, I was super-rich and the world was at my feet.
That was then. That moment seems lost in time as my reality engulfs me. Long-lost relatives have crawled out of the woodwork to bombard me with extravagant demands. So-called friends have fallen by the wayside as all they want is money, money, money. I am followed 24/7 by desperate gold diggers. My telephone has not stopped ringing as investors clamber to “help” me out. Charity organisations are camped on my doorstep reminding me of my responsibilities to society. It goes without saying that the tax man also wants his piece of the pie... My privacy is a luxury of the past as I yearn for solitude. Who would have guessed that such wealth could bring such despair? I have lost my identity; now I am just a walking cheque book - an answer to others financial woes.
My life had changed in an instant. I would give it all up in the blink of an eye to have my old life back. I have heard it said that money cannot buy happiness; for me it really is the root of all evil!
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By the way, I caught two small mistakes here.
The first, in the title, is "and" in place of "an".
After that, where it says investors would clamber to help you out.
You probably were thinking of "clamor."
Thanks for the feedback!
The reason why my story is actually so short is because it was actually something I had to write for school and it could only be a certain length, but I totally get what you mean. It's not really a great story... more like a small extract
Hope that explains it, thanks again!
These semicolons should all be commas.
This was a nice, short piece. A bit simplistic, perhaps, but it wasn't bad.
The first and second paragraphs could use a better transition. Right now, there's no connection between them, and you could delete the first paragraph without any noticeable change to the story. Actually, it might be a good idea to move that first paragraph (or at least it's main point) later into the story so that you start this off with action.
What you have right now is a pretty solid base for a longer story. If you follow Embee's suggestions, you could wind up with a story that's more memorable. Right now, this is so short and simple, there's nothing really memorable about it.
Hello! I thought this was a nice little piece but I think you could expand a lot more on it.
I loved, loved, loved, this part. You made winning the lottery very realistic and this is a typical response by people. It reminded me of when my friend brought cake to school and suddenly, everyone was pretending to be her best friend, just because they wanted some cake. I think you should start off this piece with one your main character's "long-lost relatives" trying to get some money out of her.
Maybe start with something like: "So, I heard you won some money," an old, wrinkled lady said to me. She was claiming to be my long lost aunt, but I couldn't be sure. Last time I checked, I didn't have any aunts named Franny.
I like the concept you have, just add in more dialogue and expand more on the reactions of the people around your main character. Also, more descriptions! What does your main character look like? What did the voice on the radio sound like? What does your main character's house look like?
You have a strong start, though and I hope you continue to work on this.
Embee.