Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Okayy...so this one is a bit of a disjointed story, from its title, to the beginning, to that middle scene to how it ends. I feel like a separate guide is needed to understand what this story is really trying to tell us here which is not a great sign. Its mysterious, but its just a bit too mysterious to the point we can't really tell where this is going and that's not great.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Focus. The word reverberates the mind of a predator as it surrounds its prey. I sip my drink in the dark, quietly wrestling the animal in me. "Dying to get out, I know. Hush now". I scan the room, trying to figure out where I fit and I realize, I don't. I don't mesh into these people's lives. They all seem to fit the scene like it was a play and then, there's me. I'm not the director , just an outsider. I sigh and get up. Making my way through the crowd, they carry me away like a current and I don't care.
I look in the mirror and don't recognize the 21 year old staring at me. The lady at the gas station says I look timeless and I'll appreciate it when I'm older. My mom says everyone can tell I'm older because of the look in my smoldering eyes. I don't know how that gives me away. I shrug at this. My phone goes off on the nightstand for the 12th time today but i ignore it. "Not right now, baby".
Okayy...this is interesting. We've got light hints as to the sort of place in life this person as and so far they are proving to be quite interesting I think. In addition to that we've also got ourselves a neat little bit of description there to hint at some of the backstory behind this person, so all in all, things appear to be slowly falling into place rather neatly here and setting this story up.
"Anthony?". I look across the table and see a woman staring back at me. Concern and sadness mixed with...relief are written all over her face. I must've missed something again. The Anthony's in my head scramble to remember what she said but my mouth tries to usher an apology in the meantime. She notices the puzzled hurt look on my face and rests her warm hands on mine. From the corner of my eye, I see one single rain drop hit the window. I look across the table and I see her for the first time. The wrinkles. The worry lines. The bags under her eyes. It's heartbreaking to realize everything about a single person when it's too late.
I park the car on the hill and rest my head on the headrest. Looking around the quiet hilly scenery laid out before me, it gives me a heartache. I look out on my right and see it. The praying hands, pointing straight to Heaven. I get out of the car and walk uphill a little ways and stop before the rose I bought. My knees buckle and I fall. All the emotions I had the last few months come flooding out of me and I rush for my Bible. "I'll read your favorite book". I sat there, in front of the only woman who knew who I was and apologized all day and night. Before I leave, I place my hand on her tombstone. "I'm sorry".
Well that was quite the transition. We were just wondering about rather peacefully in this forest for quite some time and then BOOM out of nowhere we have this woman who appears to be dead, and from what I can see this woman had some sort of symptoms to suggest this death would happen for quite some time, but this person appears to have somehow missed out on all of said symptoms. It all comes together rather nicely to form a very interesting setup here. Right now things are slightly too vague to tell, but let's see what happens next. So far, it has grabbed and then held my attention though.
"Not right now, baby" she mouthes. I shift my weight in the worlds most uncomfortable chair. The room is too loud, yet I can still hear my heart beating above it all. "Hush" I tell myself. I squirm in my seat, itching to get up but I force myself to sit. Sit, boy. I feel like a dog. She makes me feel like a dog, begging for water. Only it's not water I want nor am I a dog. I feel something much viscious and worse happening to me...I'm awake or so I think. It's too dark to tell. If she's here, I'm still asleep, then again she has taken over my nightmares lately. Im searching for her in the dark beside me, for whatever reason. "Not right now, baby". The words replay themselves, like a broken record I play. Her perfume fills my nostrils and it happens again...
"It's never happened before you". She rolls her eyes, twirling her dirty blond hair. I stare at the red cup in front of me. She takes her brown coat off to reveal a black dress. I focus on a passing car but she eyes me from the side. 'No'I tell myself. My legs shiver, telling me to go but I force them to stay. Stay, boy. Her pale fingers reach for something from her coat pocket. She puts a cigarette to her lips. "Don't get excited" she says to me. I try to flee back inside but she grabs me on my waist. "You shouldn't have done that" I whisper.
Okay now it seems we've transitioned here to yet another scene and I'm not quite sure where this one is trying to go..there's quite a few things happening seemingly all at the same time, and its just proving to be slightly confusing because now the sense of a narrative we had earlier is replaced by what appears to be an awkward scene that I can't quite place.
She grabs onto my back. I want something else. Something deeper than the skin. Our skin gleams from the sweat. I try to kiss her but get hit with it. "Not right now, baby". The words swim around my head for what seem like forever until she slaps me back to reality with a moan. I look down and see her teeth illuminate in the dark. "What?" I ask. She shakes her head, swings her legs over the edge of the bed and lights up. I hope the cigarettes will kill me before she does.
Anxiety creeps in my bed at night. I look at her and wonder what I did to deserve this. My mind takes me back to the night I got the call. "Get over it. I did.". I want to punch her, the same way she punched me with the news. It's as if someone , somewhere , is laughing at me. I'd be laughing too but not because it's funny. It's like watching a train wreck, only I am the train. I touch all the places I touched before but they aren't mine anymore. The room spins.
Well that ended on a rather expected note there, with more of this shifty scene that I find hard to fully decipher. On one hand, it is mysterious, there's a lot of questions that you feel like asking as you read this, and yet there's just no real sense of what's happening and as a reader you're slightly confused, especially considering how far away this seems from its start.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, I think you need to do a bit of a rethink on this one because as it stands its rather confusing to read and while its mysterious and it pulls you in, after a bit it just becomes hard to read and you don't quite know where you're going. You need to sort out what exactly it is you want to convey here and focus on that.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 254288
Reviews: 4103
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