Night. Its dark, cold and I have only the moon and the stars to giude me. The beating of my heart and the steady, rhythmic beat of my footsteps are the only things to break what seems like an eternity of silence.
I reach the entrance to the forest and stop only to bring out the torch from my backpack. The light from the torch is weak but must do since the ever-glaring moon and stars will be hidden by the monstrous trees.
My pace slows as I enter the accursed forest. No need to run. My journey is almost at an end.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
Well, this was a nice piece and I really liked the descriptions you have used. Even though they are short and scarce, they really enhance the text and make it more enjoyable to read. However, this feels too short to count as an actual story. It feels more like an excerpt that was taken out of a longer story. Its a good writing, but I am not really sure if it stands on its own.
Here, I would suggest replacing the 'things' with 'sounds'. 'things' does not really over the meaning that you are trying to convey here. The 'things' that you mention in the sentence are all 'sounds' and since you are using it to describe the silence, I think it is better to use the word itself. Also, it reads better as : "The beating of my heart and the steady, rhythmic beat of my footsteps are the only sounds to break what seems like an eternity of silence."
Other than that, this is a good description placed exactly at the right place. It also builds a kind of somber environment that compliments the vibe of the story very well.
Now, here you have an opportunity to expand on the text. What is the narrator doing? What is his journey? Why is the forest accursed? What is the story behind this moment? That is exactly what is missing from this short piece - a story that ties it together. Maybe if you even try to build some answers to these questions, you will end up weaving a bigger story that gives us more content to review. Otherwise, its like reading the middle page of a book without any idea of what happens before or after. Its incomplete and a little disappointing because we want more than just a glimpse of the story.
You are really good with your words but you do need to put in some more words here if you want to present us with a story. Otherwise, its a miss.
Keep writing and have a great day!
Yea good point
Thanks for the comment you are right im not even sure if this is the beginning of the story or the ending its just an idea that came to my head.
Well, your ideas and descriptions are nice, but there's nothing here for me to critique! Not enough meat to sink my teeth into. The first thing on your to-do list with this is to expand. That's my only real complaint with this, because I can tell from your imagery that you're a good writer.
Make this longer! Where's the plot? I like plot, it's tasty and I'm hungry. :p
-St. Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate
Oh, and welcome aboard YWS! I can see you just recently became active.