Young Writers Society

Hmmm.. I do love me a good cliche!
I'd like to meet this boy one day.
Got his number?

Haha, I liked it, though, yeah, it was a bit cliche.
But I love cliches.
I dunno why..
=]

It's a very cute poem. I liked it. I almost fell in love with that guy. Who is he anyway? I wanna meet him!

iQuippie wrote:Hmm...

The lion thing was kind of strange, in my opinion. Also, the repetition of "he's so gorgeous" annoyed me a bit, but what's worse is the cliche of the whole thing.

It was okay, but you could do so much better.

Yet again you express my feelings towards a guy that I like. Amazing!


Great work! I just love this poem!

Zalex

Hey Darren,

I'm guessing by this point the assignment is long over, but I just wanted to drop in and offer some advice. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the topic you've chosen; your problem is the presentation of the material. To me, this feels like you're forcing yourself to be poetic, and it comes across like you're being sarcastic, almost.

It was really strange to start out with grant, sweeping imagery, then move to very homey, familiar images. It didn't work. The enchanting a lion thing was just plain weird. I could see that working in a poem set in Africa or something, but for this it's very out-of-the-blue. It should go.

The parts I liked best were at the end. Not the way they were written, necessarily, because they are drowning in cliche, but the sentiments they expressed. The end rang much more true than did the beginning. I think this C.S. Lewis quote really explains it well: "Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it."

Anyway, g'luck if you decide to edit this!

i like it, it was alil cliche but its cool i mean i know how you feel in the poem

thanks..

your poem in no way annoyed me. dont bring yourself down.

kim

Okay thanks guys and sorry if it anoyed you.
I should have spent more time on it but im deffinetly goin to edit it and post the new one.

Thanks for the opinions!!!

i really like the first paragraph, but after that it seems that your discriptions are less.

try adding more to each paragraph, show that he is gorgeous, not just that you love him.
the poem is good, it just needs alittle more is all.

kim

Hmm...

The lion thing was kind of strange, in my opinion. Also, the repetition of "he's so gorgeous" annoyed me a bit, but what's worse is the cliche of the whole thing.

It was okay, but you could do so much better.

Hello Darren!

Well, reading over the poem it was okay. And other than the few mistakes pointed out above, I will not note any of my own. The whole thing was, indeed, rather cliche--which is really kind of a no-no in the poetry world (apparently, unless you lived in the 16th century). I can't really tell you how your teacher will view it, but if you ever try to do anything greater with it you will need to odd some originality. I think that if you are going to repeat the same line at the beginning of every stanza then the stanzas need to be significantly longer than they currently are, otherwise 1/3 of your poem is the same line. Personally, I think it would be more affective to start and end the poem with the same line rather than repeat it with each stanza.

Happy Editing!

And welcome to the YWS.

-Via

Um, ew.

He's so gorgeous
His dazzling blue eyes
Are enough to enchant a lion.

Thanks for the comment. Sorry about the mistake I was in a rush
But thanks for the tip

Hey there!

Well, this was good, if rather cliche.

thing i think of