The Beginning
"GOD NEEDS NEW BELIEVERS"
It
was 3 in the morning; I was doing my regular job in the white house
when I heard the helicopter's wings from a distance. I knew that
definitely, the helicopters were not of the president. I remember
that day so specific. I heard the shooting of the guns from the
terrace. I was trained for this, so I preferred first watching the
sky. I can never forget those helicopters shooting bullets from
those heavy guns that they were carrying. I ran inside first of all
and watched the running TV in the hallway of the white house. It was
CNN news; I saw the videos that they were displaying. Those videos
were not only from the attack on the white house but those entire
precious places in the world. They attacked all countries'
parliament and the military forces. I heard someone saying that
bring every low ranking officers and the visitors outside safely. I
ran outside the white house, suddenly I got a call from my son. I
was not hoping for that call to give me bad news but, unfortunately,
it was. From there my life took a turn in to the sadness and more
sadness. My house was near the parliament hence my wife got a bullet
in her head and my son was injured. I ran towards the hospital in
which they were admitted. I was driving the car and watching for the
first time all the people getting insane running around, but
unwillingly not the last time. I reached the hospital within an hour
and found out I was alone there; my son was also dead there was
nothing for me to live. I was so sad knowing I have nothing left to
live for. I suddenly heard a shout, I ran towards there and heard
the CNN news lady saying “the United States of America has
collapsed; even the whole world has collapsed. There is nothing the
Govt. can do everything has been destroyed. We don’t know who
these people are but, maybe they have won over the world.” These
wordings were the reason I stand stood because I knew maybe won't be
the person to save the world but I won't let my life get wasted for
anything. Well, this was not it. The ending of this chapter was with
a devil's smile, the beginning of everything. These people who
attacked us were droids; they warned us that we have only a year.
After a year they will start to completely wipe out us (the humans).
They say "God needs new believers. And we are one of those,
your time to rule has ended god has sent us to rule after you."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Welcome to YWS! I'll try to be of some help with this review. I'll just get right into it.
What I first noticed was the format. I think you would attract more readers if you split up that big paragraph. I also suggest that every time there is a new dialogue to make a line break. Readers often give up reading if there's a blocky format or they may lose track of what is being said or what is happening.
"It was 3 in the morning; I was doing my regular job in the white house when I heard the helicopter's wings from a distance."
Not really anything you need to change, although in more formal works it's better to actually spell out the time rather than the number unless it's something on an alarm or clock.
"I remember that day so specific"
I suggest using specifically or just vividly instead of so specific. I suppose because saying so specific is a bit of an awkward phrase.
"I ran inside first of all and watched the running TV in the hallway of the white house. It was CNN news;"
Specify where "inside" is. You tell us the main character is already inside of the White House so it's a bit confusing. Also don't forget to capitalize White House. You also do a lot of telling and not showing. For example, "I saw", "I go," "I ran," which is ok sometimes but shouldn't be too overdone.
"but those entire precious places in the world. "
What precious places is he mentioning?
"They attacked all countries'"
Who is they?
" I ran outside the white house, suddenly I got a call from my son."
Maybe say his phone rang instead or something. It seems kind of disjointed. I think adding an "and" before suddenly would help.
Overall, to be honest, I felt like this was very rushed. You go over quickly about how his wife and son are now killed and dead. You don't really give him any grief or sadness about it or describe any of his emotion in depth. You need to expand on your character and give him a personality in order for the reader to actually care and keep on reading. Finishing this, I don't have any sympathy for him nor their world getting taken over. I think my main advice with this is to: show, not tell, to not rush, to give the character more personality and emotion, and describe more.
Hello! Welcome to the site, and great job on deciding to write and show people your work; it's going to be so much fun! I'd like to say that is some seriously good work, especially if you're a beginner. That may sound patronising, but I mean with the best of intentions. That being said, we're on this website to review work, and that includes criticism, so let's look for places to improve
* Your sentences are nicely paced and read well in most places, but occasionally, you seem to lose this ability. I think the simple diagnosis is that you weren't giving the weaker sentences the same amount of love that you gave the good ones. As you keep writing, you'll realise that one of your greatest assets will be the ability to go back and rewrite weaker places of your story, so that everything rises to the same level of quality! It's your short sentences that seem to be an issue. You seem to want to rush through them, perhaps because they're not that interesting to write. You're going to have to ignore that feeling! You also seem to have grammar issues in those same sentences, which is probably also just because of carelessness rather than a lack of understanding. Basically, re-read and improve upon your own work; it's an invaluable skill
*Show, don't tell -- you're going to here this one a lot, but only because it's a really good technique! It's nearly always better to show readers something than to tell them. A good example of where you tell is when you wrote "I was so sad knowing I have nothing to live for". Don't tell us that you were sad, show us -- describe the anguish: facial expressions; eyes tearing up, perhaps; actions; etc. The sadness becomes a lot more powerful that way.
* I didn't want to to be too hard on the plot, because it's actually pretty good! The phrase "God needs new believers" is really cool, and the whole plot has been described fairly well. In future, developing things slowly, (the deaths for example, dwell on those) could really help. The "why" of the plot should also be considered, but that's something for longer pieces
The strengths of this story are very clear. You are a natural story teller with great raw talent, so keep going and I'm sure you'll get far