Young Writers Society

Hey there Darkness

Everyone has pretty much pointed out every nit-pick, and they've pretty much mentioned everything else as well! So I'm just going to agree to what they've said!

One thing I will say though, is that you need to start reviewing other people's work. You don't need to write any hugely long reviews or anything, just some kind of review! If you're not sure what to write, just look at other people's reviews, and do what they do. By that, I don't mean copy everything that they've said, just use them to help you if you're not to sure.

Keep writing,
xoxo Skins

Chapter 5 is up

Hey again. Darkness, just a little tip, it's better if you write your different chapters as different topics. Because No-one is going to see Chapter 3 and 4 and 5 released. They won't see any of it. So when you have a new chapter, write it as a new, fresh topic. Okay, review time!

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(All New Chapters)
Praise:
Okay, I'm making out a slim plot here and it's only Chapter 4 Your story is still funny but it could be funnier. I think you shouldn't bother with such strong Hollywood action. Hollywood don't know what life is beyond plastic surgery, botox and scandals...

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Problems:
My main problem (Grammar and what not aside) is the structure of your story. Is your main Character still dreaming? Is he drunk or something? Does he even know what he is doing? You have nearly no proper dialogue. Your story doesn't feel like a story. Now I don't really have *such* a problem, but now I"m being really serious: if you are going to write like this, make it like a diary. At the top you could write: Entry Number 1 - I Hijack A Car, Entry Number 2- The Big Ant Speaks!

Your main character is the narrator but I really don't know why I should like him. In the end remember, the story could be funny, but the characters have to be too. My main problem with this whole thing is your characters. You should take time to create real characters that won't be forgotten in the next chapters. If you make someone, you should use him a few times. Just saying, this guy was this guy and did that isn't enough. To Make a basic character:
Describe him. His Appearance (Hair Colour, Skin Tone, Height, Weight, and what he looked like, was he shady or sly or friendly or what?)
Tell us a bit of what the main character thinks of him (He's a very fat, ugly man who doesn't even know how to dress. He used to be my teacher, I like him a lot.)
Dialogue. "Go home, Tom!" would show the character as being mean. "You are a very kind man..." would show him differently. What's the first thing you notice about a person besides appearance? What they say. If it's that important in life, it's that important in your writing.

I think your chapters are a bit too short. They could really be just two or one chapters, especially 3 and four. You should combine those.

Grammar.

Your entire story: I'm not saying anything, but it's been a bit of writing now. Tell me, Darkness, what is this story *really* about? When you can do that, make sure that everything you write makes that clearer.

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Tips:
Read more.
Spell Check, it helps.
Keep it up!

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So, well done. I enjoyed these new two pieces. But Darkness, you should post them separately. Well done, I liked this

Chapter 4 is up

ok so i have make a prologue from this one so please admins delete Scour of Power (Chapter 2) topic and check my new chapter

well i just finished chapter 3 but i cannot publish it so i will publish it here

Scour Of Power

Chapter 3

I woke up maybe i just started to breathe ,but anyways there was this crazy Doctor named after my dog. Dr. Arnold Schwardfieldger. I used to call him Amanda, Beatris, Cindy, Freaky Sheepguy, ........, Jesssica, ......., Kelly, ......., Nothing, ........ unusual limb, Zork with nudles in ears. Choose one. He was trying to save me. I didnt like him so i started to pretend i died.
They took me to morgue. Suddenly pathologist came in. He took Jigsaw to his hand and started to getting ready , while i screamed Hollywood. Pathologist lost consciousness or maybe he just had heart attack. I dont care I got job to do.


I thought I will get myself revenge on those people that let me ´´ die ´´.
First Victim Dr. Arnold Schwardfieldger. He really pised me of today so this is gonna be sweet revenge i thought. I sneaked into his car on the car park. It was 5:30 pm. Actully it could be more because i heard from radio we got turned on in morgue that it is 5:00pm but it was before 20 minutes. Actually was that even a radio. Hm......


2:00 or 3:00 am I did not remember very closely someone in black jacket and black pants with black mask on his head. I thought it is Dr. Arnold Schwardfield. Man broke window on door of car and somehow get himself into that car i was in. He connested some wires under steering and started car. I screamed Holywood. He mystericly turned his head on me and headed a gun on my head. I thought this isnt Dr. Arnold Schwardfield anymore. He wanted me to be driver and he was still heading with gun on my head. He navigated me to some kind of abandoned factory. There was waiting for us 4 other guys in black outfit.

Chapter 4 Coming Soon


I hope everybody will like it

special thanks to you guys ( you have probably more work on this than me )
I really appreciate that
I will make sure that next chapter will be better and i will take some time.
See you on chapter 3

Hey Darkness, I'm Lauren and I'm going to review for you today. I'm just going to go ahead and nitpick through the entire piece as it isn't very long. My comments will be in bold.

Darkness wrote:(Here where everything havehas been disconnected ( something has been created) volcano crater) Read this out loud: "Here where everything has been disconnected volcano crater." That's how it reads without the part in the (). If you completely remove the () it reads "Here where everything has been disconnected, something has been created, volcano crater." It still doesn't make sense. Reading what you write out loud is a really easy way to tell if what you wrote actually makes sense to a reader.

Something called me has been sleeping. I was sleeping when i I saw something big in my dream. It was a big ant telling me that i I have to go to RTC-Center for an answer. I woke up.
I didnt have a thing to do so i I decided to go to the RTC-Center at 4:00am. Well as i I was standing in the midle of street I realized that i I have no idea where RTC-Center is or what is that it is. I decided to take a nice short sleep before trying something. Yeh but as sudden I have been waken up by my daughter. Her name was Saly. I think she has renamed herself. Whatever She said that i was late for job what was kind of true. While I was going to my job yellow car has almost knock me down.(Honestly who would want a yellow car?) It was my new neightbours. They said hi and asked me where the crap am i going? I said that I am going to the hospital. They asked me if do i got insurance? Well i am in hurry but it was nice seeing you, i answered. (Why do they care about my insurance? They will be some kind of thiefs) From "They said hi" to "I answered" is all dialogue. Typically, dialogue is put inside of quotation marks -> "" These help show that a person is speaking, and make things much clearer for the reader.
As I was walking into hospital i met Dr. Pudinski. He asked me what´s up JANITOR? As a general rule, try to stay away from words in all caps. If you want to stress a certain word of phrase, put it in italics. So it would be janitor instead of JANITOR. (JANITOR?? does not he remember my name? I told him my name in Cafe Bar (for)Millionars while we were drinking vodka) I asked him would you like to buy me daughter? He started to laught and left me behind. ( Seriously i need some Money because i want to buy Coke) Whatever I will steal some drink from DR.Gainer. Well I dress up and started to clean. As I work my bucket has been more dirty and dirty. (I will slop my bucket) Before Hospital has just parked new car. I didnt recognized that car so ( i think i will say hi). I threw that dirty bucket on a man in smoking. His son (whitch was actually with him) asked me why did i do it? And I said I will not stop until you will marry my daughter.He kicked me into my balls. As i was lying on the ground a big ant took me to ant´s car. He drives until we came to some RTC-Center. He took me to room where was at least 20 other people.(sleeping(not together(one body on one bed( bed like ambulaces has)))). Ant Punched me to my head and then i started to feel sleepy.I fell on the ground.

Chapter 2 Coming Soon

Hey man! I'm here to do review. Get ready, get set, grow!

Okay, so Praise/Problems/Tips

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Praise:
I cannot actually say much, because I'm not sure exactly what you were aiming for. In any case, I shall continue this review as if you wrote this to be some really random movie I liked your piece for three reasons:

It was funny... in a 'not-smiling-but-on-the-inside-laughing' kind of sense. I'll tell you how to bring that out in the Tips section of the reivew.
It was uncommon? Yeah, admit it. Maybe, maybe writing 'properly' just ain't your style? Because your work gets too general? I dunno. I'm not praising your grammar or anything. Just your fundamental idea... *Whisper* which I think I'm starting to get out
It was a piece of work, that belonged to you, that you took time to write, that could be better. And that's enough to be liked, that your writing and not selling drugs on the streets of Cairo. Keep at it!

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Problems:
Unfortunately, you may never in your life find more than two pieces of amateur writing where there are more praise parts than problems. But, anyway, I"m not discouraging you here, just offering helpful advice.

What I'm going to do here, is basically take out certain parts of your work, explain what was wrong and how it could be better and then... (I don't usually spoon-feed but I feel like it) I shall re-write your story with only proper grammar and spelling and stuff. No idea changes, nope. I'll just make it look more professional. Here we go:

Points to Address:
Your changing scenes:
I'm not saying stop. I'm actually encouraging this... am I? But, if you want a wild lion in the zoo, keep it in a large environment, am I right? *Wink, Wink, Nudge, Nudge*
What you did here is you threw the average reader into a very imaginative, un-average scene. Rather, get them ready for it. I recommend:
Putting this in a diary format
Making it a bunch of flashbacks like in an interrogation
Making it like... telling a story to a bunch of kids?
Telling a story to a group of friends?
You get the idea.

Your tenses:
I noticed (though this may fall under grammar but whatever) that sometimes your tenses were mixed up. By that I mean one moment, we're talking with 'was' and 'did' and the next? 'is' and 'do'. Common mistake for a beginner? I recommend you just read aloud to yourself. You'll pick out a lot a la:
I ran along the sidewalk to get to my friend's house and I laugh, I'm happy.
Sounds right? Read it aloud and again and compare it to
I ran along the sidewalk to get to my friend's house and I laughed, I was happy.

Your Main Character:
He basically reminds me of Jim Carey from Yes Man. However I think we could use a backdrop. Maybe like have a particularly funny scene?
(The Answer lies in... RTC-Center! Have a nice Day!) and then (I woke up. Looking in the mirror, I saw my face was covered in drool. My name is... and I am a... Life's pretty boring. I have a ... year old hyperactive daughter and... enough about me. On to the story...) But in your characters words. Just, detail him more. Where does he live anyway and what's his name? (Did he even remember my name??!! No, we don't even know your name )

Your Spelling:
Simple Spell Check Dude, I shall not ponder over that. However, a read through is necessary and if possible, a read out loud. Unless English is your first additional language or third, then don't worry about it, just state so in a little note at the top. But I think it's your Home Language.

Punctuation:
Dude. You fell short here. Your story was the funniest I've read in a while but this killed it with a silver bullet. If you go to school, or have some textbooks, pick one up. Your friends may ridicule you, but they're interesting. Skip to the chapter on punctuation. Oh, and if you live in South Africa, I recommend looking for the English Handbook and Study Guide or English in Context. I think you should pick up something (If you're in SA, I can only speak on SA) maybe one grade ahead of you.

Redundancy - Useless Information (Information that is useless)
Okay, I think you need to learn about useless information. We don't need to know that the people were sleeping on different beds. In fact, that's what we first assume, but when you tell us how they were sleeping, then we think of other stuff.

Overhaul:
I think you need to really re-read, edit, re-write, read out loud. Good ways to edit. Of course, here at YWS, we'll help you.

There's too much for me to say now, but keep a look out for me, I'll review as often as I can. Well Done.
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Tips:
Browse through the forums on YWS. You'll find some good works. Maybe find a very good writer and ask them to be your eternal master for $5 an hour? Joking.
Read, but read fun. I really doubt anyone can recommend you bokos without really knowing you. But find something interesting. It doesn't have to be thick, old or have a really British named author. Animorphs by K.A. Applegate is fine, very short, but fun. The Lightning Thief or any Percy Jackson book by Rick Riordan is the same. Read.
Read with special attention to punctuation
Use paragraphs
If I was you, I'd really make this like... a diary entry?
If you want it longer, then you may have to start using descriptions and make it a story, not a list of events... that is if you want it longer.
Write, edit, re-read, re-read out loud, taake a break of a day or a few hours and then read it again, you'll see stuff from a different perspective. And when you're done with your perfect draft... your masterpiece... re-write it all. You'll have better ideas.

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So, that thing I prommised at the beginning? That proffesional version of your story?

Darkness wrote:Something called me has been sleeping. I wa ssleeping, when I saw something big in my dreams. It was a big ant telling me that I have to go to RTC-Center for an answer...

I woke up. I didn't have a thing to do so I decided to go to the RTC-Center at 4:00am. Well as I was standing in the middle of street I realized that I have no idea where 'RTC-Center' is or what it was. I decided to take a nice short sleep before trying something.

I was just getting ready when my daughter woke me up. Her name was Sally. I think she has renamed herself. Whatever. She said that I was "late for work!"... which was kind of true.
While I was going to work, yellow car almost knocked me down! Honestly who would want a yellow car? It was my new neightbour's. They said, "Hi... um... where the crap are you going?"
"To the hospital."
"Got insurance? You know, I..."
"WEll! I'm in a hurry. It was nice meeting you." Why do they care about my insurance, idiots nearly knocked me over. They must some kind of thieves. From *INsert hated city here* no doubt. I can tell by the accent.

As I was walking into the hospital, I met Dr. Pudinski. "HEy," he said "What's up... Janitor?" Janitor? Janitor? Doesn't he even remember my name. It's on a name tag for crying out loud!
"Would you like to go to the cafe?" I asked.

We were sitting in the cafe, drinking vodka, "My name is *Insert Name*" I told him. After a while, I asked, "Would you like to buy my daughter?" He started to laugh and he walked off with his pot belly. Darn, I thought, Needed money for Coke. Whatever, I'll steal from Doc. Gainer.

I dressed and started to clean. As I worked, my bucket became dirtier. Gotta slop my bucket. I was walking out the hospital, to slop my bucket. There was a new car parked out. I think I'll say hi. I threw that dirty bucket on a smoking guy.
"Hey man. What's up with that?"
"I won't stop... unt... until you marry... my daughter," I stammered. He kicked me in the balls.

While I lay on the ground, counting the pretty stars around me, this big ant came and put me in his car. So we drive until we came to some 'RTC-Center'. We entered a room with about twenty other people laying on hospital beds. And then the ant punched me in the head. I fell. There was a loud thud and I was out-cold.

well from the little i read it was kind of boring to me but it was really nice.

M not much of a reader, but the little i read, tells me you have a wild imagination... One that shouldnt be tamed, just nurtured. All you need do is dedicate more time to making it better.
I'm romeyo. Find my post, read it and tell me what you think. Need to know what you think. Need all the criticism i can get to make me better and stronger.

Ok i admit that I was doing it in hurry check it now i have kind of edit it

Alright, I honestly and completely read the story, and I still think that you need to read more. If you ask any writer what you can do as a young person to improve your writing, they will tell you to read.

I can certainly see from this piece that you are creative, but you did not apply the craft of writing well. I think that this is because you haven't done a lot of reading.

Would it be asking too much to ask you to use spellcheck? It's not really fair to ask someone to review your work if you didn't put any effort into making sure that it's easy to understand.

All of the authors I have suggested to you have a good sense of humour, in particular Terry Pratchett and Eva Ibbotson.

I'm not saying any of this to be mean, I'm trying to help you improve as a writer. I hope that you continue to write and improve

If you didnt honestly read it how can you say that i need to read more?
I do not care about other writters without sense of humor.
What is there so wrong that you have to say I have to work on grammar and spelling?

I think you really need to read more.

I honestly didn't really read this. Your grammar and spelling need serious work, but more importantly you show absolutely no knowledge of formatting.

I would suggest that you go to the library today, and get out a lot of books. Read them, and look at the ways the authors structure dialogue and text, and the way that they describe things. Then try re-writing the story.

Some books that I would suggest for your age group are:

The Graveyard Book - Neil Gaiman
The Two Princesses of Bamarre - Gail Carson Levine
A Hat Full of Sky - Terry Pratchett
The Dark is Rising (series) - Susan Cooper
Dial A Ghost - Eva Ibbotson