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Rain Before Dawn, chapter 1- strong language

by Darkmoon158


Ok this is my story Purple Rain just revised. So hope the people that replied before enjoy it this time.

Rain Before Dawn

Chapter 1

Upon the ground freshly fallen dew is rubbing against the knee highs of a crying little girl. Her tears, streaming, are falling, fast, on the ankle-high grass. In her hand is a large white lily whose pollen is spraying as fast as her tears. She stops when she makes it to a medium sized tombstone. She kneels down and lays the lily on top of the dirt in front of the stone. Tears pour from her eyes and soften the ground on the grave. The girl puts her hands on the ground wishing to be closer than as close as she was.

Valerie grabs a can of Cola and pulls her hand out from the inside of the fridge. She shuts the fridge door as Melody walks in. Melody and Valerie have been friends since they were six so they know each other well. “What did you do to your hair?” Valerie questions. Melody’s wavy chestnut hair whips out from the two pig tails that were in it. “Nothing.” She says innocently. She looks straight into Valeries’ angry green eyes. “Hey Val, you think you can pick up a movie at Blockbuster?” Melody takes a wooden spoon out from the draw and does a kungfu pose; Valerie busts out laughing. “Maybe a Kungfu?” She stops laughing, sighs and nods. “I guess so but it’s going to rain soon and you know I don’t like to drive in the rain.” “It will only take a few minutes.” Valerie takes the keys off of the counter and stuffs them into her pocket. “Be back in a bit.” She walks past the room she’ll be staying in this night; she sighs and opens the door into the garage. The cold hard ground underneath her feet reminds her of the many nights she ran from home to visit her moms grave. She slipped her feet into a pair of flip-flops, there warmness invited her in. She took out the keys unlocking the car doors. She stopped when she hears Pink coming out of the house. She remembers how people would always ask if Melody and Valerie were twins but since Melody dyed her hair from dark brown to a light chestnut not so many people ask that anymore. The leather seat feels cool and soft as she sits down upon it and clicks the button on the key; opening the garage door. She puts the key into the ignition.

The same little girl, but older now, is looking out of a fragile glass window that is fogged up from the intense precipitation outside. She walks over to the door, locks it and walks back to the window. She slides the lock over and pushes up. A clicking sound can be heard and a gust of cool, wet wind hits her small face. It is just enough space for her to climb out and step down the ladder on the side of the house. Her thin skirt clings to her legs as she gets off and sneaks past the big window leading into the living room. A bush from behind her rustles but she doesn’t notice or hear it. In front of her is an electric scooter so she rides it off down a street and onto another. Onto another street until she gets to a small cemetery. She parks the scooter and runs down the many rows of stones. One row in particular she stops at, walks down and touches one stone. This time she reads it aloud. ‘Amber Soto’ The rain pours harder as she stands in it crying. Mud splashes up on her legs, caking them.

Valerie starts the car and pulls out of the garage. Driving down the street she pops open the island and pulls out a C.D. She puts it into the C.D. player and cranks it.

When she gets out of Blockbuster it starts to pour so she runs to the car. “Shit, shit, shit!” she yells as she opens the car door and gets inside. She puts the key into the ignition; the car makes a sputtering noise. “Fuck it’s flooded.” She pounds her hand against the wheel. She tries it again, this time it purrs “Alright.” Suddenly a big crack of thunder booms through the parking lot. “Ok time to get going.” Traffic is terrible but being the kind hearted person she is Valerie cuts someone off and speeds up to the best of her ability. She pulls onto a small road to avoid any other traffic. Now the rain has fastened its pace so the car was fogging up. She presses her face up against the windshield so she can see. She stops at a red light and fumbles with the heater knobs. When she’s not looking the light turns green and a big truck from behind her honks his horn. “Damn it.” She floors the car, the speed she is doing is too fast for the kind of weather she’s going so the car starts to slip. She loses control and the car goes over a side ditch. It smashes into a tree and sends Valeries’ head into the dashboard. Blood gushes from an open wound on her head. Before she passes out she hears the sound of rain pounding at the car wreck. “Oh my head.” Are those the last words ever escaping from her lips?

Alright be honest did you like it?


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Fri Apr 08, 2005 9:46 am
Shadow Knight says...



*dies with envy* ENVY ENVY ENVY!




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Tue Apr 05, 2005 5:19 pm
Lollipop says...



I really enjoyed the revised version. It described everything perfectly. I loved the italic paragraphs, especially the first one. Keep writing. :D




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Mon Apr 04, 2005 8:35 pm
Darkmoon158 says...



Hey my peeps! I've posted my chapter 2 if you haven't noticed! Don't mean to sound rude I just want some people to read it! :D If you would please, read AND reply (if you want).

Oh and Eloere I Do enjoy writing so yeah! Oh I'm just soooooooooooooooo happy right now I get the Sims 2 this WEEK! *cheers loudly* I'm VERY happy, nothing can bring me down. :evil: Hey don't push me!




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Sun Apr 03, 2005 3:36 am
Elelel says...



She's right too, try not to take it too seriously. Write for fun, you improve with practice, practice and much more practice. :D




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Sat Apr 02, 2005 3:52 pm
Rei says...



Woah! Relax. First of all, I'm sorry I said something that had been said already, but I didn't know. I don't read other people's replies when I write my own. And don't be so hard on yourself. Don't worry so much. Do all the things that Elore said, but don't try so hard. Remember, you're still young, and have a lot of time to learn all this. Just enjoy yourself, and remember, writing is a curse at times, but it's also a blessing. Enjoy yourself.




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Sat Apr 02, 2005 10:58 am
Elelel says...



Let me just say one thing, I know about the dialogue ok! I know you guys are just helping but if you read that someone has already said that to me don't repeat. I slowed my pace down according to someones advice so I'm not changing it. Everyone keeps telling me about how my characters don't feel real, well what I ask you is how do I make them seem more real? I agree with you totally about first chapters but that's what I was doing. I wasn't just putting her in a situation I was explaining something for later on. Sorry I'm in a bad mood today I don't mean to get on anyones bad side.

I nearly cracked a fit like that once too! About poetry, nothing i did was right, and nobody would tell me how to fix the bad things, they just said it was bad and made me feel so terrible about myself that I went and sulked for about a week, refusing to visit the forum (I have an excuse though: I'm 15, sulking comes naturally to me). And gave up on poetry, at least for now. Now I realise how hard it is to explain things properly.
K well, I'm here to help as much as I can.

So ... pacing. Right well, let's see. Basically pacing requires speeding up or skipping through bits with no plot contributions or slowing down through bits that do (or that need the detail to express the characters emotions). THe problem in your first work was that everything went so fast people got lost and confused, the problem (not nearly as bad as before I might add) now is that the pacing is less confusing, but also is a little slow in bits with no real relevance to the plot. So let's work out how to fix this pacing dilema ... hmmm well, um, let's see ... I think the only advice I can give on the situation is to delve into what's important to either plot or character journey/development/whatever and make those bits detailed. The other bits need to be cut, or injected with conflict (aka, putting a character into a situation where someone or something is trying to stop them do what they want to do. Can be their own mind trying to stop them. If you don't understand conflict, here's a link! http://hollylisle.com/fm/Workshops/conf ... kshop.html -- same site as before). Also, some handy hint for an author who visited our school last year: Drop the reader right into the action. You know, the book begins with something dramatic like a sword fight, or a bit friend bust up, or just someone in a speeding car and they're scared. I don't know if any of that helped, if it didn't just say and I'll try to explain it differently.

Characters is difficult. The trick is to know them and what they'd do in any situation like the back of your hand. Becasuse every character is different, and different from you (which is the hard bit, particually if writing in first person). You don't have to be able to explain in words how they'd react, just a feeling will do. My main character is based on me ... to a degree. She's sort of only based on a part of me, my stubborn, grude-holding, untrusing, temper driven side if you must know (surprisingly many people I've met don't think a poses a temper, but I think that's just because they've never had to fight it, I think). Some of my other characters are other parts of me, as I see them. I think that makes it easier to know the character, but in a sense it can make it harder too, cause you have to know which part of you doesn't belong to that particular character. They eventually seem to branch out into there deffinate own personalities anyway. Another way is to base them on existing people, and think what would such-and-such do if faced but a gun-weilding bank robber? whenever the character is faced by a gun-weilding bank robber. But I've read somewhere you NEVER tell the person you based the character on that you based the character on them (they may not think you've got it right and get upset that you think of them that way for whatever reason). I think the main trick is to any novel development of any kind is questions though. Like "what happened in her past? How could it affect her now?" or the ever popular "what if?" What if her dog died? What if he was forced to fly a plane in a hyjacking incident? What if this happened? What if she/he was faced with thins situation? Point being, eventually you know what the character would do in pretty much any situation. Real important fact: all people have a need that drives them to do stuff, every last person. REMEMBER THAT.
Specific segmant that may help for above stated (several times) site: http://hollylisle.com/fm/Workshops/deeper-people.html
^^^ that site has practically everything you could ever ask for, so browse around it and read it all if you like.

And finally, absolutely never give up like I did on poetry. Usually I cling like a possum to someone's finger (real experience of trying to get a bloody possum to let go of various family members's fingers! To be fair, we chased it first though), but I only started with a light grip on poetry, and I kind of was shaken off by the owner of the finger. I'll probably come back to it ... someday.
But you should not follow that bad example I set. Everytime someones says they don't like something in your work, or that it's not good just say to yourself Yeah? Watch this then... and then show 'em.




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Fri Apr 01, 2005 10:27 pm
Elizabeth wrote a review...



Adorable. Can't believe that English and Writing classes are working now a days.

I only scanned it but I didn't see any... strong diolauge, then again I'm tired and once you are 13 you'll be tired too... OOH A BLUE CAR... anyway... i like it... Write more@!




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Fri Apr 01, 2005 10:19 pm
Darkmoon158 says...



Let me just say one thing, I know about the dialogue ok! I know you guys are just helping but if you read that someone has already said that to me don't repeat. I slowed my pace down according to someones advice so I'm not changing it. Everyone keeps telling me about how my characters don't feel real, well what I ask you is how do I make them seem more real? I agree with you totally about first chapters but that's what I was doing. I wasn't just putting her in a situation I was explaining something for later on. Sorry I'm in a bad mood today I don't mean to get on anyones bad side.




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Fri Apr 01, 2005 6:48 pm
Rei wrote a review...



I really like the passages in italics. Good images, and all right choice of words. The other sections leave something to be desired. The first two sentences, for example. Far too long, and unnecessarily detailed. One of the rules of writing is to say as much as you can in as few words possible. You could easily say the exact same thing in one short sentence, such as:

"Melony entered the kitchen while Valery was getting a coke from the fridge."

We don't need all those other details because we all know what it looks like to get a coke from the fridge, and there is nothing particularly significant about the way she moves.

Rethink the pace, and don't just tell us that these characters are best friends. Let us see it in the way they talk, how they act. I didn't really feel like these were real people I was reading about. Give us time to get to know who these characters are before you just put them in a situation. First chapters are for introductions and exposition more than anything else.

My final suggestion: paragraphs. Whenever you change speakers, start a new paragraph.




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Thu Mar 31, 2005 2:24 pm
Darkmoon158 says...



Thanks. Yeah most people don't notice how old I am but it doesn't really matter to me what age a writer is just if they can write or not. :shock: I can write, right? Oh and everyone keeps saying that to me (about my sig.) It's not meant to be funny it's supposed to be a fact.




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Thu Mar 31, 2005 8:29 am
Elelel says...



*points to Darkmoon's age* you did that and your twelve (no age discrimination intended), that's good, very good.
PS, love your signature, just noticed it! :lol:




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Wed Mar 30, 2005 12:58 pm
Darkmoon158 says...



I was hoping you guys would like it. I have really low self esteem just so you know. Thanks for the tip on dialogue. And I wasn't talking about you in general so don't feel bad. :D




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Wed Mar 30, 2005 7:27 am
Elelel wrote a review...



So hope the people that replied before enjoy it this time

*pretends to be indignant* I said I enjoyed it before, didn't I? And I did. So there. *sticks out tongue* And stop fishing for compliments, it's not becoming.

Anyway ... that is so much better! You should be so proud of yourself, because that really displays the character's personality better! :D
One major problem:
She floors the car, the speed she is doing is too fast for the kind of weather she’s going so the car starts to slip. She loses control and the car goes over a side ditch. It smashes into a tree and sends Valeries’ head into the dashboard. Blood gushes from an open wound on her head. Before she passes out she hears the sound of rain pounding at the car wreck. “Oh my head.” Are those the last words ever escaping from her lips?

Make the readers feel this. It's a bit: and then the truck rolled down the slope, and then it hit a tree, and then it exploded. You proved you can make the other bits felt, so I know you can do this bit. Maybe something like: Sparks shower and metal screams as the vehicle smashes into a sturdy tree, the momentum sending Valerie's head crashing to the dashboard. The rain continued to fall, gushing over the remains of the car and washing blood into the mud ... etc. Make us see this, and I know you can do it.

Oh, yes one tinsy little nit pisck thats probably not worth bringing up ... you use words like "is rubbing" "are falling" "is looking" alot. I think they would be better as "rubs" "falls" and "looks". It's the show don' tell thing, but that's so confusing to understand when said that way, so just think of it as any verb meaning "to be" is not you friend, use it sparingly.

Apart from that This is so much better! :D (Note, I tried to explain dialogue, and that link is on your old "Purple Rain" post)




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Tue Mar 29, 2005 5:00 pm
Emma says...



Wow I still love it!!

Only this time I love it more :D





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