*dies with envy* ENVY ENVY ENVY!
Ok this is my story Purple Rain just revised. So hope the people that replied before enjoy it this time.
Rain Before Dawn
Chapter 1
Upon the ground freshly fallen dew is rubbing against the knee highs of a crying little girl. Her tears, streaming, are falling, fast, on the ankle-high grass. In her hand is a large white lily whose pollen is spraying as fast as her tears. She stops when she makes it to a medium sized tombstone. She kneels down and lays the lily on top of the dirt in front of the stone. Tears pour from her eyes and soften the ground on the grave. The girl puts her hands on the ground wishing to be closer than as close as she was.
Valerie grabs a can of Cola and pulls her hand out from the inside of the fridge. She shuts the fridge door as Melody walks in. Melody and Valerie have been friends since they were six so they know each other well. “What did you do to your hair?” Valerie questions. Melody’s wavy chestnut hair whips out from the two pig tails that were in it. “Nothing.” She says innocently. She looks straight into Valeries’ angry green eyes. “Hey Val, you think you can pick up a movie at Blockbuster?” Melody takes a wooden spoon out from the draw and does a kungfu pose; Valerie busts out laughing. “Maybe a Kungfu?” She stops laughing, sighs and nods. “I guess so but it’s going to rain soon and you know I don’t like to drive in the rain.” “It will only take a few minutes.” Valerie takes the keys off of the counter and stuffs them into her pocket. “Be back in a bit.” She walks past the room she’ll be staying in this night; she sighs and opens the door into the garage. The cold hard ground underneath her feet reminds her of the many nights she ran from home to visit her moms grave. She slipped her feet into a pair of flip-flops, there warmness invited her in. She took out the keys unlocking the car doors. She stopped when she hears Pink coming out of the house. She remembers how people would always ask if Melody and Valerie were twins but since Melody dyed her hair from dark brown to a light chestnut not so many people ask that anymore. The leather seat feels cool and soft as she sits down upon it and clicks the button on the key; opening the garage door. She puts the key into the ignition.
The same little girl, but older now, is looking out of a fragile glass window that is fogged up from the intense precipitation outside. She walks over to the door, locks it and walks back to the window. She slides the lock over and pushes up. A clicking sound can be heard and a gust of cool, wet wind hits her small face. It is just enough space for her to climb out and step down the ladder on the side of the house. Her thin skirt clings to her legs as she gets off and sneaks past the big window leading into the living room. A bush from behind her rustles but she doesn’t notice or hear it. In front of her is an electric scooter so she rides it off down a street and onto another. Onto another street until she gets to a small cemetery. She parks the scooter and runs down the many rows of stones. One row in particular she stops at, walks down and touches one stone. This time she reads it aloud. ‘Amber Soto’ The rain pours harder as she stands in it crying. Mud splashes up on her legs, caking them.
Valerie starts the car and pulls out of the garage. Driving down the street she pops open the island and pulls out a C.D. She puts it into the C.D. player and cranks it.
When she gets out of Blockbuster it starts to pour so she runs to the car. “Shit, shit, shit!” she yells as she opens the car door and gets inside. She puts the key into the ignition; the car makes a sputtering noise. “Fuck it’s flooded.” She pounds her hand against the wheel. She tries it again, this time it purrs “Alright.” Suddenly a big crack of thunder booms through the parking lot. “Ok time to get going.” Traffic is terrible but being the kind hearted person she is Valerie cuts someone off and speeds up to the best of her ability. She pulls onto a small road to avoid any other traffic. Now the rain has fastened its pace so the car was fogging up. She presses her face up against the windshield so she can see. She stops at a red light and fumbles with the heater knobs. When she’s not looking the light turns green and a big truck from behind her honks his horn. “Damn it.” She floors the car, the speed she is doing is too fast for the kind of weather she’s going so the car starts to slip. She loses control and the car goes over a side ditch. It smashes into a tree and sends Valeries’ head into the dashboard. Blood gushes from an open wound on her head. Before she passes out she hears the sound of rain pounding at the car wreck. “Oh my head.” Are those the last words ever escaping from her lips?
Alright be honest did you like it?
I really enjoyed the revised version. It described everything perfectly. I loved the italic paragraphs, especially the first one. Keep writing. 
Hey my peeps! I've posted my chapter 2 if you haven't noticed! Don't mean to sound rude I just want some people to read it! If you would please, read AND reply (if you want).
Oh and Eloere I Do enjoy writing so yeah! Oh I'm just soooooooooooooooo happy right now I get the Sims 2 this WEEK! *cheers loudly* I'm VERY happy, nothing can bring me down. 
Hey don't push me!
She's right too, try not to take it too seriously. Write for fun, you improve with practice, practice and much more practice.
Woah! Relax. First of all, I'm sorry I said something that had been said already, but I didn't know. I don't read other people's replies when I write my own. And don't be so hard on yourself. Don't worry so much. Do all the things that Elore said, but don't try so hard. Remember, you're still young, and have a lot of time to learn all this. Just enjoy yourself, and remember, writing is a curse at times, but it's also a blessing. Enjoy yourself.
Let me just say one thing, I know about the dialogue ok! I know you guys are just helping but if you read that someone has already said that to me don't repeat. I slowed my pace down according to someones advice so I'm not changing it. Everyone keeps telling me about how my characters don't feel real, well what I ask you is how do I make them seem more real? I agree with you totally about first chapters but that's what I was doing. I wasn't just putting her in a situation I was explaining something for later on. Sorry I'm in a bad mood today I don't mean to get on anyones bad side.
Adorable. Can't believe that English and Writing classes are working now a days.
I only scanned it but I didn't see any... strong diolauge, then again I'm tired and once you are 13 you'll be tired too... OOH A BLUE CAR... anyway... i like it... Write more@!
Let me just say one thing, I know about the dialogue ok! I know you guys are just helping but if you read that someone has already said that to me don't repeat. I slowed my pace down according to someones advice so I'm not changing it. Everyone keeps telling me about how my characters don't feel real, well what I ask you is how do I make them seem more real? I agree with you totally about first chapters but that's what I was doing. I wasn't just putting her in a situation I was explaining something for later on. Sorry I'm in a bad mood today I don't mean to get on anyones bad side.
I really like the passages in italics. Good images, and all right choice of words. The other sections leave something to be desired. The first two sentences, for example. Far too long, and unnecessarily detailed. One of the rules of writing is to say as much as you can in as few words possible. You could easily say the exact same thing in one short sentence, such as:
"Melony entered the kitchen while Valery was getting a coke from the fridge."
We don't need all those other details because we all know what it looks like to get a coke from the fridge, and there is nothing particularly significant about the way she moves.
Rethink the pace, and don't just tell us that these characters are best friends. Let us see it in the way they talk, how they act. I didn't really feel like these were real people I was reading about. Give us time to get to know who these characters are before you just put them in a situation. First chapters are for introductions and exposition more than anything else.
My final suggestion: paragraphs. Whenever you change speakers, start a new paragraph.
Thanks. Yeah most people don't notice how old I am but it doesn't really matter to me what age a writer is just if they can write or not. 
I can write, right? Oh and everyone keeps saying that to me (about my sig.) It's not meant to be funny it's supposed to be a fact.
*points to Darkmoon's age* you did that and your twelve (no age discrimination intended), that's good, very good.
PS, love your signature, just noticed it! 
I was hoping you guys would like it. I have really low self esteem just so you know. Thanks for the tip on dialogue. And I wasn't talking about you in general so don't feel bad.
So hope the people that replied before enjoy it this time
She floors the car, the speed she is doing is too fast for the kind of weather she’s going so the car starts to slip. She loses control and the car goes over a side ditch. It smashes into a tree and sends Valeries’ head into the dashboard. Blood gushes from an open wound on her head. Before she passes out she hears the sound of rain pounding at the car wreck. “Oh my head.” Are those the last words ever escaping from her lips?
(Note, I tried to explain dialogue, and that link is on your old "Purple Rain" post)
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