Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Fantasy


Purple Rain, Chapter 1- mild language

by Darkmoon158


Hope you enjoy and remember some language may not be suitable for little children. ^.^

Valerie is driving home late one Saturday night and it is raining hard. “Shit! Why did I have to take so long choosing between White Chicks and Dodge ball? She mutters while moving closer to the windshield so she can see through the fogged up car. She stops at a red light and fumbles with the radio knobs. The light turns green while she’s not looking “Damn it!” she yells and floors it. The car slides off the road and into a ditch. She hits her head on the dashboard. Before Valerie knocks out, she hears the pounding of sirens in her ears.

“Valerie wake up.” She hears an unfamiliar voice whisper in her ear. “Huh?” she turns but it hurts her to move. She sees a man dressed in all whites robes with a light symbol on his forehead robe and she glares at his sparkling green eyes staring at her lovingly. “Where am I and by the way WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?” she says through clenched teeth. “Aren’t we a little firecracker, you’re in a hospital Valerie, and I’m Caleb an angel sent to help.” His soothing voice calms her for a minute until his words sink in. “Holy shit you’re a what? But? Why? What?!?!” she stutters. “Those questions will be answered soon enough but-.” He’s cut off by a knock on the door. “Valerie, honey can I come in?” it is her mother. She looks over at Caleb but he has vanished. She turns toward the door and says, “Come in mom.” The doorknob twists and the door pushes open. Her mom’s brown hair swishes as she looks around “Who were you talking to, Val?” “Oh, no one mom,” Valerie looks over where Caleb was, “just no one.” “Well you’re probably wondering why you’re here, Hun.” Valerie nods then her mother says, “You were in a car accident last night, that’s why you hurt. The doctor said you were hurt pretty bad and you won’t be able to walk for a day or two.” She sets a bowl of soup on the table next to Valerie and turns to leave “I brought you some soup hope you feel better, goodnight.” She whispers then leaves. “Oh I thought she wouldn’t ever leave!” Caleb says and reappears at the foot of her bed. “Where did you co-?” she’s interrupted by him “Again answers will come soon enough Valerie but for now I leave you with this.” He then hands her a necklace with a purple raindrop on it. “Goodbye for now.” “But-?!?!” he disappears almost magically. “Goodbye Caleb.” She whispers and lightly hugs the necklace he gave her. She puts it on and grabs the bowl of soup. When she’s finished, she nods off with the warm food in her belly.

She has a crazy dream that she’s in a room with Caleb and he’s standing across from her handing her a sword. She grabs it and suddenly the room fills with red smoke. Instantly a hand slips around her waist gripping her loosely. She turns to see a man around 17 years old dressed in black robes with a dark symbol on the forehead robe and his eyes are glowing red. She sits up feeling hot and sweaty.

“It was just a dream, it was just a dream.” She chants. “Aw did someone have a bad dream, love?” a voice says. She studies the room searching for someone but no luck “Show yourself!” she demands. A shadowy figure appears at the foot of her bed. Then it moves into the little light that is coming from outside the door. He’s the man from her dream. “Am I still dreaming?” she says in a low whimper. “I’m afraid dear you’re not. You see I don’t even think your wildest dreams could think of someone as handsome as me.” She notices now that his voice has a cute little Australian accent. She tries to move away as he gets closer to her and her bed. “You can’t get away from me.” He grabs her wrist as she tries to wriggle free. “Now don’t you at least want to here me out, love? By the way I’m Demitrin.” He then takes her wrist he had been grasping and lightly kisses her hand. “Charmed I’m sure but I have so many questions to ask you like, why the hell are you in my room at night couldn’t whatever you want to say to me wait until morning?” “Well, you see, Valerie, it’s the only time I can come out, dear.” He pulls a small box from under robe for a least a second she sees a pair of tight black pants. “Why does everyone I don’t know, know my name?” she mutters under her breath. He smirks a bit. Then he opens the box to reveal a pair of beautiful purple earrings that seem to be glowing. “They’re beautiful, Demitrin, but why the hell are you giving them to me?” Valerie says. “Because their beauty reminds me of you, love.” She takes the earring box and looks up but sees no one. “What the fuck is up with guys giving me stuff then disappearing almost magically? Am I going crazy?” she puts her head on her pillow when she instantly falls asleep.

She wakes from her slumber looking at her alarm clock “8:00 a.m.? Wow I didn’t slept very long.” She rolls over and picks up the remote for the T.V. Flipping through the channels she finds a news channel and she decides to watch it. Someone knocks on her door “Who is it?” Valerie groans from lack of sleep. “It’s me, Miles.” “Come in.” Her brother comes in; his short brown hair is messed up as if it wasn’t even combed yet. He sits on the corner of her bed “So do you feel any better, ‘sis?” his voice is medium neither high nor low. “I’ll be fine I guess.” He rubs his hand through his messy hair. “Do you think you could leave soon? What are watching?” then he directs his eyes to the T.V. “Well I guess I could leave in a day or two. Oh, and I’m watching the news.” “That’s cool but it’s nice to know your fine but I have to leave now though.” With that, he turns and leaves. Then something on the T.V. catches her eye. It’s a picture of the earrings Demitrin gave her.

Ok be honest. How do you like it?


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
221 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 221

Donate
Wed Mar 30, 2005 7:06 am
Elelel says...



Ps, the new name sounds great! I'll keep look out for the revised version!
EDIT: Oh, it's already there, now I feel like a real idiot... :oops:




User avatar
221 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 221

Donate
Wed Mar 30, 2005 7:05 am
Elelel says...



http://hollylisle.com/fm/Workshops/visualization.html
There we go! And there's heaps there handy for ANYBODY, no one has nothing to learn.

About what you said with the character descriptions ... There's a healthy amount of description you can put in, it's just really hard to define whats healthy and what's not sometimes. About characters in particular, I mean what they're like as in personality, not looks. Looks can be put in in tinsy clues (she flicked her long, dark hair away from her eyes in annoyance) or there's the boring way (she had long dark hair, she had blue eyes, and wore a red shirt). You need to demonstrate their character, that's all. (PS, there's a section on description in the above link that helped me heaps. There's another section on dialogue actually, but it assumes you already know how the grammer stuff goes)

Dialogue ... hmm, this one always came naturally to me, so I have no idea as to how to go about teaching it, but I'll try.
First, new line for a new speaker. That just has to be done, no execptions.

“Valerie wake up.” She hears an unfamiliar voice whisper in her ear. “Huh?” she turns but it hurts her to move. She sees a man dressed in all whites robes with a light symbol on his forehead robe and she glares at his sparkling green eyes staring at her lovingly. “Where am I and by the way WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?” she says through clenched teeth. “Aren’t we a little firecracker, you’re in a hospital Valerie, and I’m Caleb an angel sent to help.”

So this bit would really be something like:
“Valerie wake up.”
She hears an unfamiliar voice whisper in her ear. “Huh?” she turns but it hurts her to move. She sees a man dressed in all whites robes with a light symbol on his forehead robe and she glares at his sparkling green eyes staring at her lovingly. “Where am I and by the way WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?” she says through clenched teeth.
“Aren’t we a little firecracker, you’re in a hospital Valerie, and I’m Caleb an angel sent to help.”

See how each speaker got a new line? (and btw "Aren't we a little firecracker,..." would probably need a question mark, not a comma) I makes things easier to read.
The rest you're fine with, just that little new line thing to work on. I think Dialogue becomes clearer the more you read, particually if you concentrate on it to try and pick up the rules.




User avatar
683 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 683

Donate
Tue Mar 29, 2005 4:39 pm
Emma says...



I thought it was good. better than what I could do anyday. Though each scene was a bit sudden. Cant wait to read more!! :D




User avatar
38 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 38

Donate
Tue Mar 29, 2005 3:14 pm
Darkmoon158 says...



Oh and one last thing I ummm....don't know how to do that thing with conversations. That question is for you Eloere. A little I need help on that thing.




User avatar
38 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 38

Donate
Tue Mar 29, 2005 1:39 pm
Darkmoon158 says...



I apprecate all the comments but I've already started on making it better. It's new name is Rain Before Dawn and I think it suits it better. Yes Americans love Australian accents, well at least I do. But I'll put up the revised version when I'm done remember it's Rain Before Dawn. As for making my characters more realistic I heard that if you put characters descriptions, I mean all of them, in the beginning it makes the reader feel like he/she is stupid and needs everything to be spelled out for him/her. But I've already started on describing all my people. (human or not) So again I say thanks.




User avatar
221 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 221

Donate
Tue Mar 29, 2005 8:34 am
Elelel wrote a review...



Well, yes, you need to pace it out more. Add stuff like character development and so forth, everything seems really ... vague. Like there's no picture in your head as you read it appart from the characters in some white background, and even that jumps and blurrs.
The characters didn't seem ... real. I realise an angel and whatever that other guy was wouldn't be humam-like, but Valerie and her brother didn't seem all that life like either. I think you need to insert a nice big chunk in the beginning telling us about these people and what they're like.
And Valerie talks to herself alot. That's not really natural, some of thise things she says when no one else is there would be thought. And tell us how she's feeling too, that's also drawing up a blank.
*whispers* Everytime a new person speaks you go onto a new line. Quick! Fix it before anyone really important notices...

But otherwise I must say I did enjoy it, I think it was the idea I liked so much. With a little work this could be really, really good!

Here, a prezzie:
Oh wait, it won't work at the moment ... I was going to give you the link to this great writing site with a sement on description and visulisation, but for some reason it's not working at the moment. I'll come back and post it tomorrow ... it may be working fine then.

She notices now that his voice has a cute little Australian accent.


Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! *wipes tear from eye* He he he he he he he he he!!! I'm going to kill myself laughing here!!! You really think our accents are cute? I got the impression Americans thought we taked like Steve Erwin, or Crocodile Dundee. Must have been mistaken. Hehehehehehehehehehhahahahahha!!!
[/i]




User avatar
38 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 38

Donate
Mon Mar 28, 2005 1:30 pm
Darkmoon158 says...



Yeah I thought the same thing but I wanted to see if anyone else felt that way first before I did any other chapters. I'll try slowing it down but I'm not promising anything. :wink: Just kidding I'll try. Oh and about the name I didn't know there was a song or movie or anything. I swear I didn't. When I thought of the title I was wearing a purple shirt and it was pouring outside. I guess it was just a coincidence that the name was already used.




User avatar
148 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 148

Donate
Mon Mar 28, 2005 4:09 am
ohhewwo wrote a review...



I liked it, but, the writing could have been a little slower. It kind of seemed like it was like, "Oh, look, an angel, how ordinary. Oh, look they keep disappearing out of sight, I can do that!" You know?

Also, the characters didn't seem very ... human, to me, whether they were human or not. I think you should be more descriptive both on scenery, and character development.

The title should be different, though. Or the color of the jewel on the necklace. There's already a movie an a song called "Purple Rain," (both involving Prince, the musician, by the way)

The style you chose was interesting, that strange vernacular style.

But, the story was interesting. I think you should revise this before you write more chapters. Keep it up.





No one achieves anything alone.
— Leslie Knope