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One Single Hate, Chapter 1

by Darkmoon158


Yep, I'm sure your saying why did she make a new story when she's not finished with her other one? Will I say this to you, I can make as many as I want!

Chapter 1

The remote scent of fresh dropped blood drifted in the air that cold November’s night. A shadowy figure of a woman hurried down a dark alleyway of which you could smell that odor. She licks her lips in a satisfied manner and flinched at the though of the mangled body on the fresh fallen snow on the concrete for she hasn’t gotten used to the sight yet, although she should have by now. Suppose someone noticed the corpse on the ground, suppose they knew it was her, then she would have to move away and quickly before anyone else got suspicious. She shook the thoughts from her mind; such thoughts will kill you one day she thought. A lose thread on her shirt catches on a metal pipe sticking out of the wall and rips a hole as large as a golf ball. She looked down at her rip. The blood-stained t-shirt and tear would surely give her away now. She knew now what she had to do. She quickened her pace. In the horizon the sun slowly crept up, it’s glow following her every step. She stopped at a door marked ‘Emergency Exit’. She opened it and hurried into the little hall. She flew up the steps making sure she only stepped on the stairs that she knew were sturdy and not squeaky. She stopped when a sign indicated that she was on level three. Stealthy, she creeps down the hall and up to a door; 76b to be exact. She opened it and walks in, undetected. She rushes in the bathroom and pulls off her bloody pants and shirt. She had to wash away the evidence. She knew if she didn’t leave now she would definitely be in some trouble. She quickly took a shower but when she turned off the cold water knob a knock came upon her door. She threw a towel around herself and walked over to the impatient knocker at the door.

“Yes-.”

Her sentence is cut off from the surprise of seeing her landlord. He is a short plumb man with a thick dark brown mustache so right away he scares her. He smiles looking her up and down.

“Good morning Ms. Parker. I see you just got out of the shower. But I’m going to be forward with you, you have not paid your rent in over three months. And the law states, I can evict you. So it’s nothing personal but you’re out of here. You have a week to pack up and leave. That is all. Goodbye.” He declared hoarsely.

He walked back down the hall he came from, leaving Ms. Parker standing in the doorway, flabbergasted. When her muscles catch up with her mind she shuts the door and decided right then and there that she needed to leave as soon as possible. So that the next knock on her door isn’t from an officer. She ran over to her bedroom and flung some clothes on. Hastily she packs up a bag full of clothes and various kinds of bath salts and candles. It took a while closing the clasp but when she shuts it, as if magically, the suitcase looks barely full. She took her favorite coat and matching hat and rushed out the door; suitcase in hand and sunglasses in the other. She planted them over her eyes and took the stairs to get to level one. As she walks out the building, she notices a newspaper stand and decides to buy a paper. She reached into her pocket and fished out some change. She grabbed a newspaper and put the change on the counter of the stand. She stuffs it into her pocket of her coat and pulls out a set of keys from the other. She clicked a small button and hopped on a small motorcycle parked on the curb. She flung her bag on the back and put the key into the ignition. The sun shown down upon her back while she sped down the street. Her wavy brown hair was always a problem when she drove but she didn’t care today she needed to leave and quick. Like a momentary breeze through the busy town, she left.

“I must find a new place to live and a new person to be. From now on I will be,” her thoughts paused, “Melissa Pierce, a naïve young woman who just moved out of her house in the small town of Windjaer, Keima. Yes that’s it,” she thought, “that’s who I’ll be.”

She smiled and left the big city behind her, embarking on a journey of her new life. She felt scared but knew now that she needed to be strong. She sighed and determined that she’d throw off her shy exterior and become her ruthless interior that she’d never shown before. She beamed thinking of all the things a new city would bring. Maybe this wouldn’t be that bad after all.

Yup that's the end of chapter 1


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Wed May 25, 2005 10:58 pm
AmairaRose wrote a review...



Very well written... Though, I must agree with what the othrs suggest.

Also, you use the wrong tense of catches in this sentence. :

Darkmoon158 wrote:A lose thread on her shirt catches on a metal pipe sticking out of the wall and rips a hole as large as a golf ball.


The correct tense would be caught, making the word rips, ripped. Since for the rest of the paragraph ou used past tense.




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Wed May 25, 2005 7:41 pm
Lakija X says...



I really like this story a lot.

And me being new and all, I won't even attempt to critique. (It seems you have enough of that anyhow! :))

-Lakija X




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Tue May 24, 2005 1:45 pm
Rei wrote a review...



A big improvement from your previous work, but we need to know this character her name from the beginning. It doesn't add to the tone. And you need to have shorter paragraphs. In a book, long paragraphs are okay part of the time, but on screen it's a real eye-strain. Expand on your vocabulary, and use more varied sentence structure, and your descriptive passages will sound really good.




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Sat May 14, 2005 9:29 pm
Darkmoon158 says...



Wow I thought no one was going to like my story. To tell you guys the truth this story was actually a quiz I wrote for quizilla that I found a week ago and decided to revise it. Thanks guys. I took all your guys advice and fixed the parts you said I should, so yeah. Oh and did I say thank you? :D




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Sat May 14, 2005 9:10 pm
Armadian says...



Hey my last name is in there sweet.I liked this a lot and I agree with Lollipop and Sureal.




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Sat May 14, 2005 8:22 pm
Lollipop wrote a review...



WOW! I liked this. I agree with Sureal, definetely got potential :D

One small thing though:



She took her favorite coat and matching hat and rushed out the door; suitcase in hand and sunglasses in the other. She planted them over her eyes and took the stairs to get to level one. As she walks out the building, she notices a newspaper stand and decides to buy a paper. She reached into her pocket and fished out some change. She grabbed a newspaper and put the change on the counter of the stand. She stuffs it into her pocket of her coat and pulls out a set of keys from the other. She clicked a small button and hopped on a small motorcycle parked on the curb. She flung her bag on the back and put the key into the ignition.



I think you used the word 'she' too many times here. Try and start your sentences with other
words so it sounds better or maybe just rephrase them.

Other than that, this seemed brilliant. I keep an eye open for your following chapters. :D

~Lollipop~




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Sat May 14, 2005 7:21 pm
Sureal wrote a review...



I can see you have plenty of potential :).

Okay, I have two things to say about this story:

1) Stick to the same tense (you kept on switching between past and present at random).

2) Maybe cut your paragraphs up a bit. The first and second (in black text) look very long, and could easily be split up into two or three smaller paragraphs (making them easier to read).





It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected.
— Mark Twain