Ace of Hearts

Ace of Hearts

It's been 3 months. 3 months of waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to go back to sleep. 3 months of falling asleep in class or at work. 3 months of dreaming the same dream every night. Dreaming, about him.

An '88 Lincoln Town Car can be a beautiful car with the right owner. Mike's car is the exact opposite of that. The blue paint was faded making it look white, two of the rims were missing, and it backfired after almost every block. Still, he had a car, which made everybody in the junior class of Aransas Creek High School want to be his friend. The radio played rock music that couldn't even be heard because of Mike's loud goons in the backseat.

"We interrupt your current radio station for a breaking announcement." Mike immediately changed the station but the same interruption was on every station.

"Hey, Mike, what happen to the music," wined voices from the backseat.

"It's on every station. What do you want me to do? Sing?"

"Over in Port Aransas, another 'Ace Murder' has been discovered," continued the man on the stereo. "38 year old, Philip Mourner, a 5th grade teacher at West Oso Elementary School, was found murdered in his classroom just hours ago. Now police haven't said how the victim was killed, but they did say the letter 'A' was tattooed on his back, just like the other victims of 'The Ace Murderer'. This has been the closest 'Ace Murder' to Corpus Christi since they started so police are asking that..." The car parked and backfired one last time before it shut off.

"Chanel?" Much to the disappointment of Chanel, she was awaken out of another dream by the voice of her boyfriend. "Chanel, wake up." She awoke to find herself inside of a car reeking of liquor and cigarettes. The interior was ripped everywhere as if a cat once lived inside it and the cushions had stains so big, they could be seen even in the dark. The right side of her face was numb from sleeping on the chilled window. Three of Mike's followers exited out of the backseat cackling like hyenas, making the inside a lot more peaceful. But outside sounded like chaos as rock music could be heard echoing in the distance and people were running towards the ticket gate like they were being chased. "Coming or what? These tickets weren't cheap." Mike joined his friends, leaving Chanel alone in the car. The somewhat solitude made her think about just going back to sleep but she knew that would just get Mike mad. So to satisfy her boyfriend and avoid another argument, she followed after him towards the ticket gate.

Chanel changed her shirt in the bathroom, as she had just bought a new one at the t-shirt stand. The black shirt read "Overcome" in bleeding letters on the front and had a list of tour dates on the back. Girls exited and entered the bathroom as Chanel checked herself in the mirror before leaving.

Her curly blond hair covered one of her heavily shadowed eyes. But her blond was dirty making it look like sand under the surf. One hazel eye stared at her reflection and the other hid under her messy hair. Her tight jean shorts showed off her tan legs making some girls give her dirty looks as they passed her. But Chanel wasn't thinking about them. She wasn't thinking about school, she wasn't thinking about Mike, she wasn't even thinking about the concert. The only thing on her mind, the only thing she could think of... was the boy of her dreams.

The lights had dimmed, the crowed roared knowing what was coming. All the other bands had finished and now it was time for the headliner.

"Corpus Christi," boomed a voice throughout the crowd. The crowd screamed back at the voice showing their eagerness. "We got what you want!" The screams got louder. "We got what you need!"

Even though Chanel was in the middle of a screaming crowd full of sweating guys and shirtless girls, she couldn't hear anything. Everything was silent. She started to panic when she saw Mike screaming with the crowd and she couldn't hear him. She spun around, examining people in the crowd to see if she was the only person who had just lost her hearing. Then something caught her eye. A tall young man staring right back at her. She could only see him when the lights flashed, exposing the crowd for a second before going dark again. Her heart started to pound faster as she stared into his purple eyes that seemed to glow in the dark. Like many other people on the crowd, he didn't wear a shirt, showing off his ripped arms and washboard abs. His arms and back were traced with tribal design tattoos. Silky black hair ran down to his shoulders. As he stared back at Chanel, he twirled some kind of card around in his hand. It was him, the boy she sees every night. The boy of her dreams, Heart.

"Come here," whispered a voice to Chanel.

The music soon started to come back as well as the screams and whistles of the crowd. Getting her hearing back distracted Chanel and turned her attention away for a split second. When she turned back, Heart was gone. Chanel pushed through the crowd looking for him and leaving Mike. He was too much into the band that he didn't even notice her leave. When she finally pushed through and got out of the crowd, she spotted him. He was walking up the hill and leaving the concert.

"You know you can't come back in after you leave," yelled the gate attendant as Chanel left.

Chanel looked for Heart, but he was nowhere to be seen. Just an empty street rowed with parked cars. Not giving up, she continued walking down the street looking for the boy of her dreams. When she came up on the baseball stadium for the city's minor league team, she saw him again. This time he was entering the stadium through the front gates. She chased after him again thinking about all the horror movies she had seen where somebody dies for chasing somebody suspicious. Against her better judgement, she entered the stadium after him. Chanel continued to chase him until she found herself in the middle of the field, where she thought she had just saw him. But nobody was on the field. Nobody was in the whole stadium. Chanel gazed into the night sky, wondering where he went.

"Nice night?" The voice crept up on her unexpectedly and made her jump. She quickly turned around to find a pair of purple eyes staring into hers. "I'm sorry," he quickly apologized. "I didn't mean to scare you."

"No it's OK. I just thought I was going to be the one doing the scaring." Chanel chuckled at her own joke as Heart gave an amusing smile. "You know you're really fast."

"You have no idea." Heart still played with the card in his hand. Twirling it around faster and faster.

"So are you scared of me or something?"

"Scared of you? Why do you ask that?"

"Well, for one, you never talk to me at school and when I see you outside of school you run away from me."

"I wasn't running away and I've been wanting to talk to you ever since I saw you."

"So why didn't you?"

"I've been trying not to."

"I see. So I'm not your type? Is that it?" Chanel started to get aggravated after being offended.

"No. It's not that. It's just..." Heart found himself unable to put together words as Chanel stared him down with her hazel eyes. "Look, I've been trying to stay away from you just like I stay away from everybody. But my heart, literally hurts, when I'm away from you and I can't do this anymore." Chanel's eyes grew wider and her heart beat like a drum. "Before I moved here, I always thought I didn't have a heart. But this pain is to real to ignore."

"Why did you ignore me for so long?"

"I told you I didn't want to, Chanel."

"I know you didn't 'want to'. But you kind of, did. Why?"

"Because... I'm not like everybody else." Heart took a deep breath before continuing. "Chanel, what I'm about to tell you, I've never told anybody." Chanel could see he was having a hard time explaining so she stepped closer to him to comfort him. She was tempted to put her arms around him and squeeze away his pain. But she resisted and swam deeper into his radiant purple eyes.

"You can trust me." Heart took another deep breath before continuing on.

"Just let me show you."

He held out his hand for her to take. Chanel knew it was too late for her to turn back. She was in too deep with him. So without hesitation, she took his hand. The card he twirled around gave out a bright flash and without warning, Chanel shot straight up in the air. The baseball stadium was hundreds of feet below her and she was still rising. She screamed louder as she felt her stomach fall down to her feet and the sight of the stadium disappear. As she gained altitude, Chanel noticed that she wasn't alone in the cold dark clouds. She was holding on tight to Heart, who wasn't phased by the flight at all. He continued gazing into her eyes as if he was studying her and she knew she was safe. Chanel squeezed him harder and saw two black wings on the back of Heart. This was his secret, the reason she couldn't hold him. But now she was able to hold him all she wanted.

They sat together by the bay staring at the moonlit ocean. Heart's wings covered him and Chanel as she leaned her head on his chest. For the first time, Heart wasn't playing with his card as he tucked it away in his back pocket. While he stroked her hair behind her ear, Chanel questioned him.

"Are you human?"

"Part. My mother is human."

"And what's your other part?" Heart hesitated before answering, partly because he never trusted anybody and partly because he never really talked to anybody.

"My father... They are called a lot of things but humans refer to them as... Warlocks."

"A Warlock?" Chanel spoke smooth like she wasn't surprised at all. "Heart the Warlock?" They both laughed at her comment. "Not the name I would've chose."

"I didn't." Heart began to get nervous and pulled back out his card.

"Why are you always playing with that card?"

"Well, every Warlock has something they draw their power from. We try to make it something unnoticeable."

"So you get your power from an Ace of Hearts? Aren't you supposed to have a wand or something?"

"I'm not a fairy, Chanel." They stayed quiet for a minute listening to nothing but the sound of the waves. Heart's wings were plush making Chanel feel like she was sitting on a cloud.

"Heart, I promise. If I was your girl, I would take away your pain and I would never do anything to hurt you." Chanel lifted her head to make eye contact with the Warlock. Both of their heart's pounding were loud enough to dance to. Their lips were almost close enough to touch each other. Chanel could feel his hot breath on her lips as they lusted for hers. "But I can't be with a murderer, Heart. If we're together you have to promise me, you'll stop killing." Heart's facial expression turned to a look of confusion and shock.

"I know I'm a Warlock, Chanel, but that doesn't make me a murderer."

"But you carry around an Ace Card. Who else would be the Ace Murderer?"

"Chanel, there's 4 aces in every deck."

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Nutty
Review
Nutty wrote a review · Sun Dec 13, 2009 10:58 am

Welcome to YWS! =D
I hope you make yourself at home, here. After reading your story, I think you could fit right in. ^^
By that, I mean that your story is very readable and enjoyable. I could find little technical fault in your structure or phrasing, which is always a good thing. I would suggest that when writing a story, however, you should use the word form of numbers. The possible exception is addresses and phone numbers and dates and such, or obsenely long numbers as four hundred and twenty three thousand and four. ^^ But in the case of "3 months", "three months" looks tidier and more professional.

The story itself is pretty decent. The start is a little contrary to the rest of the story, mainly because you introduce the boyfriend first. This lead me to believe that the story would revolve around him, or he would hold some importance, yet the story switched to the girl within a few paragraphs.

Another thing I would suggest is cut back a little on the negative words when it comes to the boyfriend and his cronies, the 'this guy is a prick' comes on a little strong with words such as 'cronies'. His actions say it louder than such discriptors, in any case. He is quite obviously not treating her right, you don't need to point it out further. ^^

How does Chanel know Heart's name if they have never spoken?

Also, on the subject of Heart, make sure you don't make him *too* smexy. Personally I like a flawed character, someone who is more interesting than long hair and washboard abs. Though I guess this is personal preference, I think he could use a little refining to become a little realistic. You want him to stand out, right? How many hotter-than-life jocks have you read about? ^^ just a suggestion.

Also, how does Chanel know heart is her dream guy if they have never spoken? his looks? Don't make your character seem shallow. It makes the romance seem a little flimsy. ^^

Your description was probably at a fair amount, but could possibly do with some refining or addition.

Now, the pace. The pace scared me a little bit. These characters only just met and talked for the first time, and they seem lovestruck. Chanel doesn't seem freaked enough by the flying, the warlockness or the fact that some random just lead her out into a dark place on her own. He may profess love for her at this point- it fits alright- but her acceptance of everything and her snap decision is a little unbelievable. She has a boyfriend, no matter how much of a prick he is, she has been trying to make him happy. Where's the thought behind it? Describe her thoughts and reasoning. Show some fear. Most people would be scared if some winged stranger swept them away and told them that they love them.

I would suggesting *building up* to the relationship. This would give the readers the time to make an emotive investment (which is the aim of almost every story, it is what makes the reader love a book) and a desire to want to see them together. By shoving them together so quickly, the reader is left rather... unphased.

However, in saying this, you have a clean and readable style. You, and this story, show great potential. The non-human romance market is running very high at the moment, so that's good. You could just write a pre-chapter to this? Introduce your characters and show the encounters near the school, build *up* to this. This chapter is not bad, it is just a little quick. With some build up, it should work better. ^^

Whatever you do with this, I would be interested to see how it pans out. If you write more, you are welcome to PM me. I would like to read it. ^^ If you wish to ask about my crit, the site or anything in general- don't hesitate to PM me. =D I've been around a while and I am more than willing to help. ^^

Have fun around the site, it's great to see new talent.

-Nutty



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