z

Young Writers Society


12+

Perception

by DariaTheGirlWhoLovesPizza


Eyes watch. Eyes judge. Eyes see the unseen. But most importantly, eyes are the window to the soul. Take me for instance, at first glance, you would assume I’m some basic girl who probably goes shopping a whole lot. But take a look into my bright blue eyes, and you’ll see I’m a puzzle. Harder to solve than a rubix cube. Unknown, quiet. A real spectacle.

You’ll see I have an eye for a story. They do say eyes are a camera, and I’m always remembering, capturing every. Single. Moment.

Wow. That makes me sound like a creep. It’s true, I do like recording ideas, but I know the value of privacy. I will not be knocking on your door at 3 AM. I know, I know. I’m too kind.

I yawned, typing furiously on my grey laptop, finishing my newest short story. The words flowed with ease as my eyes scanned the page. I could feel it. The warmness and uncertainty to my words… It was a comfort to know my ideas weren’t just thoughts, that they could be transformed into a… google docs document… Wow, I have such a way with words.

I sigh, slamming my computer close. The crickets from outside echoed in my ears, an eerie sort of silence forming. It wasn’t unusual for me to be home alone, my parents always did choose work over me.

Part of me longed for the company, another part lingered on the silence. The comfort of just me and my own words. I wouldn’t have to share my time, or be interrupted or have to share popcorn. Maybe this is the loneliness talking, but I really do enjoy some alone time.

I drummed my fingers on the long brown desk. My fingers felt like chalk, I’d been typing so long.

Ugh, time for a much needed break. I stood up from my chair and made my way to the door, walking slowly to the kitchen. I stifled a yawn. Man, if kitchens had a cliche contest, mine would for sure win. Black and white tiles lined the floor, and the fridge, stove, and counters sat in an even line.

I opened the fridge. The cool air hit me, refreshing my body, as I grabbed out a soda. I opened the can, pouring the tasty liquid down my throat. I took one sip, then another, obsessing over the sharp taste it left on my tongue. I set it down on the table, rubbing my eyes, as I check the clock. 3 AM? Jesus. I started writing at like nine! What the heck is this logic?

I sat on the table, stretching my arms. Most people would tell me to go to sleep right now, after all it’s freaking 3 AM. It’s like I want to star in a horror story or something. But the tired energy makes me feel… Alive, in some strange way.

My vision wavers as I spot a glint of red near one of the cabinet doors. I realize it isn’t completely shut. What is that? I steadily move to the cabinet, crouching to its level.

What the actual-

A camera.

I pick up the small object, examining it. Was this thing recording me this entire time? I reach up and throw it into the trash can, backing up slowly.

Oh my god, do you think my mother set up surveillance or something?! She’s going to kill me when she finds out I took one of my dads sodas... How long was this thing up??

What if it wasn’t my mother, what if it was some creep? My thoughts are endless as I rummage through my mind, searching for the perfect answer.

A whisper ran through my ears as I felt a hand touch my neck.

“Don’t let it take your picture…” The voice came from behind me.

I screamed, spinning around, only to see nothing. My mind. It’s playing tricks on me, that’s the only explanation. Paranoia rises in me as I start frantically searching the rest of the kitchen, how many cameras are there? A sigh of relief escapes me. There’s only one… In the kitchen anyways.

A shiver rumbles down my spine as new thoughts enter my brain. God, I need to stop thinking! I’m just being paranoid; I should just go to sleep. When I wake up, I’ll end up laughing at myself and telling this story to my future grandkids.

I drag my feet to my bedroom, collapsing on my soft pink bed. I feel myself sinking into the covers, as I see a glint of red on my dresser.

My hands shake as I reach for my nightstand to find…

A camera. Pointing right at me.

A shadow hovers over me as all words leave me, my tongue completely dry.

“Eyes watch. Eyes Judge. Eyes see the unseen. But most importantly.” The voice pauses, blood dripping from my nightstand. “Eyes are the window to your soul.”

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23 Reviews

Points: 2820
Reviews: 23

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Mon Sep 02, 2019 2:35 pm
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Cici wrote a review...



Hi, DariaTheGirlWhoLovesPizza!

I really loved reading this story (although, I'm not a big fan of horror)! You have a very well-built personality for your character, which I admire. I'm not exactly the best at giving character to, well, a character. I also do like the build-up; you're doing wonderful groundwork.

First things first: I was a bit confused. This might be because I'm a little slow, but I was puzzled about what was happening. The introduction seemed disoriented and somewhat all over the place. I did like how it was randomly connected, but it's sort of patched together. Even though it is wonderful storytelling, sometimes it was a bit hard to follow. I did get the point though (I think). Or, this might have been your intention. To leave questions unanswered until the next piece.

What I also found a bit confusing was the ending (or cliffhanger, I should say). I had to read it over again several times (then again, it might be because I'm slow), but the events occurring at the end happened kind of chunkily. The part where she reaches for the nightstand to find a camera and then there's a shadow along with blood was perplexing. I would add some details. Where was the camera (I assume on the nightstand), but I first thought it just appeared at of nowhere or the shadow was holding it? It does make more sense when I reread the lines, so this isn't a huge issue.

I'm sure you'll explain more about this "world" or setting in the next story because I had no clue where this took place. I understand that it's at her house, but no idea what alternate universe this was in. It might not be in an alternate universe at all (sorry for assuming), but instead the "human world" with a supernatural twist.

You have an amazingly constructed character with clear personality! She has such distinctive traits and attributes. Plaudits! Although you mention that she appears to be a basic girl and that she has bright blue eyes, physical characteristics are sparse. Of course, I shouldn't be focusing too much on appearance, but I had a hard time visualizing the character. Admittingly, outward aspects are less important than personality, which you portray beautifully.

I thought that this was nicely written, and I enjoyed reading it. Your story-telling skills are prominent as well as your building-character skills. I suggest trying to make it "flow" more. Your transitions are great, and I think it's more of the context that needs some work. I don't know how it will all go, and you might clear up all my confusions in the following story.

Great Job! I look forward to the continuation.

Cici




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108 Reviews

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Reviews: 108

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Mon Sep 02, 2019 10:21 am
Asith wrote a review...



Hi! I love creepy short stories, and I'm quite partial to writing them, so I thought I'd leave a review. Bear in mind that I liked the story, even if it feels like I'm just listing out harshness :p

Firstly, you writing is genuinely skillful. You have a natural understanding of how to tell a story -- that's a skill that could make any learned storyteller envious! Because of that, I think I'm not going to focus on how you've told the story, but the story itself.

For any story, but especially short stories (and especially still, short stories with a creepy ending) brevity is tasteful. You should re-read your story and ask yourself if everything (specifically near the beginning) is necessary. There seems to be a lot of drawl regarding things like the cliche kitchen or the girl's views on writing that do nothing but stuff out the time before the reader gets to the exciting bit. And a little bit of slow build up is definitely good, but I fear you've overdone it here. It's especially concerning because of how short the actually creepy parts are! They should be the focus of the story. One of the trickiest parts of writing a good short story is getting the size of each event right. I'd definitely recommend developing the end and cutting out the beginning a little.

Another important thing to note is that creepy stories need to be creepy with purpose, and not just for the sake of it. What's the deal with the cameras? It's fun to leave the reader guessing, but you're not giving them anything to work with! I'd suggest explaining more about the strange voice and the cameras, because I found myself feeling a little underwhelmed.

Other than those two things that I often find hold back creepy short stories, your writing was still interesting to read, and that's definitely a great thing!

I hope you continue to explore this genre :)






Thank you! I wrote this with the intention of continuation, but my planning could obviously use some work




The sun can square up and fight me. Apollo is just another bi disaster, and I could take him.
— AlmostImmortal