Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: This seems like a pretty fun premise here at first glance, and it is certainly quite interesting. I think you've presented a really neat idea that I haven't seen tooo often before aand this is a interesting pair of main characters here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
"Let me out, dammit!" i screamed, kicking the wall hard enough to hurt myself. I had been running from Dr. Shay and her goons since I was fourteen, and now, only days after i turned sixteen, she finally manged to get me. "Cara! stop! This isn't helping." Devany scolded me. She was a year younger then me, but had always been the more calm rational-thinker, where I just went on instinct and went on wild rampages with no real plan. Devany and I aren't human, not after Dr. Shay started experimenting on us, and now we have 'gifts'. I can create protective shields, energy blasts, and move things with a flick of my wrist, Devany can astral project, mind read, and elemental manipulation. We are both telepathics (in other word we can communicate through our minds) and have heightened senses.
Okay...well that escalated rather quickly...the first part really appears to be going at a very normal pace in the actual present tense, and the all of a sudden that appears to be somewhat in the past and everything speeds up all of a sudden into this borlderline expositiony bit there...and that kind of ruins the pace of this opening paragraph here. It is still interesting but the pace is quite a bit off here.
"Cara! For goodness-sake, i know you can hear me! if you don't- know what, that's it." She hurtled a plastic bouncy-ball at me. i closed my eyes, held up my hand, and imagined the ball flying back at her. I opened my eyes in time to see Devany duck and the bouncy-ball hit the opposite wall. "Hilarious," She grumbled, turning her back to me. "I thought it was. Hey, Devie, don't be like that." I said, but my best friend continued to give me the cold shoulder.
Well now at least it seems to be on the right present tense, so that's a good sing to get things off on here...and we get to see a bit of the interaction between these two friends here..which is quite neat..I also like you show off their powers a little there through this little argument.
This was pretty routine for us. I piss her off, she throws something, i deflect it, i make a snide comment, she ignores me for an hour (or until she can no longer take the silence). The normalcy of our quarry almost made me forget we where locked in this horrid place. Almost. Sighing I sat on the bed next to my friend and put my arms around her. "I'm sorry Devany." I apologized, a rare thing for me. "I'm just annoyed that we are stuck in this place, again. And the fact that i have to add a 'again' to the end of that sentence just makes it all the more irritating." i confessed.
Hmm, well it looks like the arguments are mostly in good fun although I don't know how a friendship where they argue so often that its considered a common occurence and the arguments actually escalate this much can be an actual healthy one...although I suppose you can argue that they are under quit some stress here in this scenario.
Devany sighed and pulled away from me.
"i know, Cara. I'm just as ticked about this as you are, but we aren't fighting each other. not supposed to anyways. We're fighting Dr. Shay. don't forget that. Now take a cool-down, and get some rest. I'll wake you if anything major happens, though i doubt it will."
I slumped across the little and curled up on my bed. despite all my nerves and anxiety, i feel asleep quickly, drifting off into a world of dreams.
Well, I think this would make for a decent little start here to this story...you manage to capture the essence of what's going on and if it wasn't for that little bit of sudden exposition in the first paragraph, this would be pretty much without noticeable issues.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, besides the one or two issues that I could see scattered about, I think this manages to do its job as the start to a story pretty well. As far as a chapter one goes, this one succeeds in making me want to read more, so I'd say it does its job effectively.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 293881
Reviews: 4237
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