5 am.
How much longer would I have to wait for my mum to wake up. My heart was beating so fast. I I I had to calm down. I picked up my favorite fairy tale book and stroked the silk on the cover.
Knock-Knock.
I got up out of bed and put my slippers on. Walking over to my door I heard a sniffle so I quickened my pace. I opened the door and standing there was my 6 year old sister, tears laying on her pink cheeks.
'Steffi, I had a bad dream please may I sit with you.' she asked cuddling her teddy.
'Of course you can Ariana, come sit on the bed and tell me about your bad dream ok' I said taking her hand and lifting her onto my bed- it's quite high and she is small.
'Well it was Christmas morning and I wen't downstairs to see if Santa had come and an elf was siting on the chair scoffing the cookies and the milk. I asked him where was Santa and he asked me if I was Ariana so I said yes and and and and then I I I was told I was on the naughty list!' she cried.
'Hey don't worry Ariana your not on the naughty list. I bet Santa has co-'
Knock Knock
Ariana screamed. I opened the door and my mum was standing there unhappy.
'What is all the racket girls it's 5 in the morning?' My mum said.
' Actually it's 5:07 in the morning' I said no cheek in my voice.
'Steffi stop being cheeky and tell me what are you doing in here Ariana?'
'Well Ariana had a bad dream and heard me up mum, we are both a little excited you know'
' Why'
'It's Christmas!' we screamed.
'BACK TO BED' my mum said angry.
Me and Ariana laid down and I sang her favorite Christmas carol.
Silent Night
Holy Night
All is calm, all is bright
'Shh Steffi sleep!' Ariana yawned before we both drifted off.
I opened my eyes, the sky was blue. The sky? I was in my room. I observed my surroundings. I was on a hill and next to me was Ariana. I shook her.
'Steffi is it Christma- what the?' she said siting up.
Thats what I thought. Where were we?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Welcome to YWS! I hope this review helps
Its pretty good so far but there are a few things that could be fixed up or approved upon.
Here you should change to I-I-I, the I I I sounds a bit rushed.
try not to use numbers in cases like this. So instead of saying 6 say six. Just a small grammatical error
Your sentences are a little choppy and they are fragmented. There isn't enough description in the story over all and its hard to imagine the characters, how the book looks, where she is. things like that. Not providing enough description kinda lets the reader's mind run wild with the possibility of looks and things like that.
Throughout the story you're using third person but here you go to is. It dosent agree.
Again with the hypens
and-and and & I-I-I
Also with your " " marks your not using them correctly. put double quotation marks instead of single ones.
Heard me up?
I'm not sure. You're wording is off and like i said before there is not enough description in anything. You're wording could use more work; word choice, sentence fluency, stuff of that nature. It has the potential for a good story but its just not there yet.
Keep writing!
Sillia
I don't understand which comment goes with the line and what some of them mean. I understand the hyphens but the rest I don't. Thank yo u though
Hello! Welcome to YWS!
Overall, this is pretty good so far.
Suggestions:
- When you're writing you could include some of the MC's thoughts since it is in 1st person. This might help the readers find out what type of person the MC is and her personality.
- I don't think you need to put some of the phrases in bold but it's fine as is.
- "and and and and then I I I" Here, you can use hyphens: "and-and-and-and then I-I-I" It will show that the person saying it is stuttering.
I really like the end and the cliff hanger you left us with. I am interested as to how they got to wherever they're at XD
Keep writing!
Ok thank you I didn't know I had to use hyphens thank you