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Young Writers Society


16+ Language

Burned Shirts and Shorter Skirts - Prologue

by Danteke


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

REVISED

Prologue – Headache

The night of the fifth of January made the perfect combination of bitter cold winds, and never ending torrents of snow, to make many citizens cower inside their warm houses, wrapped in their warm blankets and drinking their warm milk like innocent kittens. Shitty day. At least that’s what Katherine Sierd thought as she tried to wash away the taste of old coffee with a shot of cheap vodka. She had never been the fan of alcohol, but that fucked up day demanded to be drowned in the taste of it, and the effects.

Miss Sierd poured another shot and made its content rapidly disappear as she became aware of the subject the news had got to. Her house was dark, the only light was coming from the living room where the TV was on and from which the voice of Anika Valser described the case of a young female student who had gone missing recently. Her voice carried an overly enthusiastic tone as if that was the story of her life, the story that would mark her carrier and make her the best news reporter in the country, the story of the century. Katherine stared at the TV screen almost forgetting the headache that made her night a bit more annoying, and tried to decide whether to shut the TV off and implicitly shut Valser up, or continue listening.

17 year old Martha Tarav, was reported missing on 20th of December by her parents, as she failed to return their worried calls for several days. Her friends reported to have parted with her after a night out at 5 a.m. and told the investigators that they have not heard from her since. The police is investigating the case, but they have yet to release any relevant information on her possible whereabouts. Sources from inside the Force are calling this a kidnapping and fear the worst as no ransom call was made.

Martha Tarav is a student at the private Highschool “John Wasserker” and is…”

Katherine knew the Martha’s case all too well. A copy of her file rested opened on the table and she never every detail of it, she had memorized the girl's face, her life. Martha was the perfect picture of a nice, beautiful girl, with a promising life, good family, good friends and a pretty boyfriend. She had no record and the teachers at school were constantly telling the police how good she was and how they loved her.

Their perfect girl was missing and everybody was losing their minds over that fact. Including her. Especially her. As a detective she was used to rely on her instincts, on her feelings.Eventually, she'd even realized that she was good at it, at predicting things. She wasn't sure if that was a good thing in all of the cases. Cold shivers ran down her spine as she heard the house phone ringing next to her.

“Katherine Sierd,” she answered promptly.

“We found her. She’s dead. Get your ass on 24th Avenue, Sierd.” The voice of Karl Hanman, her partner, made her clench her teeth. She resented that guy and absolutely hated his macho personality, his simple way of thinking, the way he jumped for conclusions and settled with the most comfortable one. The feeling wasn't mutual, unfortunately.

She hang up the phone and let the news settle. The voice of the news cleric was ringing bland in the background. She poured another drink.

Fuck…


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Sun Aug 25, 2013 1:35 pm
OliveDreams wrote a review...



Hello Danteke! Here to review your piece of work on this marvelous day! I will review as I read to make a little more easier for both of us!

Here goes!

“The night of the fifth of January made the perfect combination of bitter cold winds, and never ending torrents of snow, to make many citizens cower inside their warm houses, wrapped in their warm blankets and drinking their warm milk like innocent kittens.” - AS much as I love your imagery within this opening sentence, the first thing I noticed was it's length! You need break it up so that it's easier to read.

“Her voice carried an overly enthusiastic tone as if that was the story of her life” - I love this line. I hate it when you hear newsreaders do this – as though it's something exciting!

“mark her carrier” - It's spelled 'career'

“The police is investigating the case” - The police ARE investigating the case.

“The feeling wasn't mutual, unfortunately.” - This is a fantastic hint at things to come! I love that you've already set up a relationship between two characters that we are going to find out about in later chapters.

I think this has so much potential and I'm already excited to read what's next. The only advice I have is to really check your spelling before you post. I find reading my work aloud helps me to hear the mistakes that I initially don't see.

Good luck! I look forward to seeing the next chapter!

Olive <3




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Wed Aug 21, 2013 2:13 pm
StoneHeart wrote a review...



Hey Danteke, Black here for your requested review (Sorry it's a bit late, but believe me, I've been later!).

Okay, so I'm going to say that for a first jump on this genre you did really well! I mean impressively well. I don't usually read mystery (preferring to stick to fantasy as is my wont), but I can tell you from the few mystery books I HAVE read that you did a really good job! The names, suggested story world, and overall style (even as short as this piece is) really drew me in deep! I look forward to reading more (and hope you alert me as to when you post the next chapter!).

Though I really did like a lot of the things about this piece, and really do encourage you to write more, you still have a few problems. I'm going to try not to give a lot of nitpicks on your grammar and such (seeing as such problems are easier to fix on your own), and will concentrate on some more abstract problems. This review will cover: A general solution to your grammar problem, a couple of thoughts of your plot, and a piece on your characters.

So before I start I'd like to note that this is the least prologuey prologue I've ever read. Beware of prologues, they're overused a lot! You could have this be an introduction maybe? Try it.

So! First for your character's. Obviously so far there are only four characters in this story, each of which will get a quick comment from me. First: The annoying sounding news reporter. Question: Have you ever heard a news reporter report a murder in a 'happy' tone . . . I don't think so. It's kind of against the big idea of the media (not appropriate), and not really something that anyone wanting to keep their job in good stead would do.

Second: Martha Tarav. So far she just seems to be a peripheral character, but I'll advise you to watch how 'perfect' you make character's like her. Third: Kat/ Kate/ Kathy/ Katherine's partner. It seems like if you're going to be working with someone for years you'd want to make sure they're fairly decent, friendly people that you can work with. If you can't work with them then I think you have a problem . . . you might want to watch your character logic here. Mess up and he'll turn out wrong.

And finally: Katherine Sierd herself! Personally I don't appreciate the amount of cussing you have her give off, but it's appropriate. I advise to keep an eye on it though. The fact that she's a detective tells me she's a strong character, with will power, and I will urge you to keep her as such in all areas of her life. I'll have more to say on her if you gimme a chance to review more chapters!

That done, it's time for a plot comment: I assume that this is going to be a fairly normal mystery story, with no super-weird, supernatural twists (as awesome as those are). Yes? If so, that's okay, but I'd like to tell you to be careful to stay original. It's easy to mess up and go cliche and boring. Really easy. Beware of taking ideas from other mystery stories, but keep an eye on them for plot detail! From what I know, mystery is a hard genre to write because the plots are always so complex. Remember to keep it nice and complicated! The more complicated the better for mysteries! (*Also, I think you'd do well to make this piece a bit bigger. It's presently pretty small for a novel chapter).

And now finally for your grammar! Yes, you do have a fairly serious grammar problem! So, what I'm going to do here is tell you your problem, prove you have the problem, and then find a general solution for it! How does that sound? Here goes!

Problem: You are using commma's in a miserable way, and writing too fast (not looking back at your work). Here are a few examples of your comma misuse, and some results of writing too fast!

.Eventually, she'd even realized that she was good at it, at predicting things. She wasn't sure if that was a good thing in all of the cases. Cold shivers ran down her spine as she heard the house phone ringing next to her.


Miss Sierd poured another shot and made its content rapidly disappear as she became aware of the subject the news had got to. Her house was dark, the only light was coming from the living room where the TV was on and from which the voice of Anika Valser described the case of a young female student who had gone missing recently.


I think you can see your mistakes yourself! Also, did I mention that you really seem awkward in your English? Something ELSE I might note is that the names these character's have names that make me think 'Russian'. If that's what you want then fine, but I'm just noting in on it! Anyway. There's your problem. You're misusing your punctuation, making sentences break off when they shouldn't, and not break when they should!

It's important to understand what particular pieces of punctuation do to a sentence; their effect. When you understand them (you can look it up -on YWS even- or ask around), you need to stay conscious of what you're saying. Read what you write aloud to yourself and proof-read for the punctuation accentuated effect that you want!

Was that comprehensible? (I have comprehensibility problems ><). If it wasn't then PM me (or if you just have a question) and I'll do what I can to help you! Actually, just PM me! Let me know what you thought about the review and if you have any ideas as to how I can get even better! If you want to you could even rate it for me (on a scale of one to twenty!). That would be just awesome! Sorry this review wasn't the best! I still hope it helped! Be sure to keep writing!

Re-cap:

I. Your character's and story world need a good bit of developing!

II. You need to look up a bit of information on the proper use of comma's!

III. You need to be careful not to bring this story down the wrong road . . . try to keep original and interesting.

There you go! Hope I helped! Good luck!


~Black~




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Fri Aug 16, 2013 2:02 am
ArcticMonkey wrote a review...



Salve Dan! Sorry it's taken me so long to get to this, but here I am :D

Ooh a detective novel, funny that because I was actually thinking earlier on today of a story idea of this genre. Anyways, I'll start off my review with the positives and the things I liked about this and I guess the plot/what happens in this chapter is pretty exciting. I like how you've thrown us right into the story rather than giving us a backstory to begin with which I've seen happen before- good choice ;).

Something that confused me though is why this is a prologue. It doesn't read like a prologue at all and I think should be the chapter 1 rather than the prologue. I mean, prologues often aren't actually needed and with this story I think just using this as a chapter one would be good- unless maybe if in the second chapter the time period completely changed or something.

Okay, because you are throwing us right into the action, the writing didn't really feel as urgent as I would've expected. By this I mean I didn't feel tense, or shocked at this piece of news even though it's something pretty huge! I suggest maybe just starting straight with the news report or some dialogue. Maybe even having more short sentences in this will make it feel more abrupt and create a bit more tension.

I think I'm about to totally contradict myself here, but just hear me out xD. See, you're started this chapter off with a description of the weather. A lot of people think it's bad to start off with this kind of description, but I myself must disagree. However maybe you could describe it a bit more using some more imagery. From what I'm gathering so far it seems to be a miserable day, and this is good to show because it creates foreshadowing so yeah, I'd love to see some more description of the weather/ surroundings!

Overall, this is a pretty good first chapter and it certainly leaves me wanting more. Next steps would be to add in some more descriptions, and speed up the action parts of this a bit by maybe shortening some off the sentences. I hope this review helped, feel free to PM me with any questions or if you'd like another review on anything.

Keep writing!
~ArcticMonkey x




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Thu Aug 15, 2013 12:57 pm
Caesar wrote a review...



Alright then, Louis here to review, as requested.

I don't like jaded detectives. Why must all detectives be jaded, swear, and drink cheap alcohol? For once I'd like to see a detective that likes their job. Oh well. At least this one is russian.

I don't understand why this is a prologue. It doesn't work. It would be a great first chapter, but why a prologue? A prologue should give us information we couldn't, for one reason or another, get from the other chapters. This information could easily be gleaned in, say, the first chapter. Fortunately, this can be easily remedied. Simply change the 'Prologue' part of this to 'Chapter One' ;)

The chapter, though, as a whole, is pretty good. Minimal grammatical mistakes (which I didn't really spot, though Shady has a trained eye), good syntax, and so forth. I don't really like the character (for the reasons mentioned above), but I think she's portrayed as a jaded detective should be portrayed. Also, a note for the future, if this murder case evolves into something grand that involves the government... the russian (or related) government aren't known for being friendly to small-time detectives, or any sort of investigation done into their system.

I also like the description you used at the beginning, however, it can get too run-on in places.

The night of the fifth of January made the perfect combination of bitter cold winds, and never ending torrents of snow, to make many citizens cower inside their warm houses, wrapped in their warm blankets and drinking their warm milk like innocent kittens.


There are quite a lot of commas here. Also, 'perfect' is usually not used in a negative way, so that kind of threw me off. Perhaps you could try something along these lines:

The night of the fifth of January was a combination of bitter cold winds and never ending torrents of snow. The citizens cowered inside their warm houses, wrapped their arms in warm blankets, and drank their warm milk. Just like innocent kittens.


The above isn't really perfect, but it gives you an idea of what I meant. Shorter sentences, more direct, closer to what a surly woman would think like during a cold, stormy night. I would also suggest you place Katherine's name at the beginning, so that it seems less passive, and more what Katherine's thinking.

Whichever way you put it, though, the storm does set the atmosphere for the chapter, and does give us an insight on Katherine's general attitude. I think you could continue this atmosphere by giving us a few key details on her room, something that would emphasize the kind of person she is.

Overall, this left a positive impression on me, even though I don't like the genre, or your character. That's no mean feat. Keep it up
~Ita




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Wed Aug 14, 2013 12:21 am
Shady wrote a review...



Hey Teke!

Shady here with a review for you this fine evening. c:

The night of the 5th of January had the perfect combination of bitter cold, and never ending snow, that made many citizens cower in their warm houses
~ I would suggest an edit. As it is now "...combination of bitter cold and never ending snow..." It reads that the snow was bitter cold and never ending, when it seems that you simply mean that it was bitter cold, and also that the snow never ended. So, I present- "The night of the fifth of January made the perfect combination of bitter cold winds, and never ending torrents of snow, to make many citizens cower inside their warm houses..."

At least that’s what Katherine Sierd thought as she tried to wash away the taste of old coffee with a shot of cheap vodka. She had never been the fan of alcohol, but that fucked up day demanded to be drowned in the taste of it, and the effects.
~ <3

Her house was dark, the only light was coming from the living room where the TV was on and from which the voice of Anika Valser described the case of a young female student who had gone missing recently, with an overly enthusiastic voice as if that was the story of her life, the story that would mark her carrier and make her the best news reporter in the country.
~ Slight run on.

Suggestion- "Her house was dark, the only light coming from the living room, where the TV was on and playing the overly enthusiastic voice of Anika Valser, who was describing the case of a missing student. She told the case of the young female who'd gone missing recently candidly, as if it was the story of her life. The story that would mark her carrier and secure her position as the best news reporter in the country."
~

As a detective she was used to rely on her instincts, on her feelings. Eventually, she'd even and slowly realized that she was good at it, at predicting things.

~

Okay! This is a good piece. Your pacing is very good, and your characterization is as well. I liked the imagery you used, and your choice of words (in most places ;)). You really set up a good scene, and introduced your character very well. I feel connected with your protagonist, and that's a hard thing to make your readers do, especially in the prologue. So, kudos to you.

Hope my review wasn't too harsh. You do have a good piece. I'm just a major Grammar Nazi, haha. c:

If you need any more help, or have any questions, don't hesitate to wall or PM me.

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




Shady says...


Oh, dude. You're a new member. I didn't realize that until just now. Welcome to YWS. c:

(And now I really hope that my review wasn't too harsh. :3 Most people on here are way nicer than me. I promise. <3)



Danteke says...


Thanks and I appreciate the review. Don't worry about being a Grammar Nazi :)). English is my second language thus I still have a lot to learn on that. I hope you'll stick around for the next part.



Shady says...


Certainly. c: Let me know when it's posted.



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Tue Aug 13, 2013 8:30 pm
Kevikur wrote a review...



Oh yes! A detective novel in the making! I'm into crime shows and stories, and really interested to see where you'll take us from here. Katherine seems like a real badass; I like the use of vulgar words here because it really sets a tone in this piece. She's agitated, drinking her troubles with cheap alcohol, and hating on life at the moment.

You've already thrown us into action in just the prologue. This case must be important or have some consequential meaning if you're giving it to us right off the bat. I'm already hooked to see how things play out.

You have a great writing style! You have short sentences and long sentences, all giving us a taste of this morbid setting. Extremely good.

There were some typos and I'll just point those out super quick.

"Katherine Seird," She answered promptly.

Here you don't need to capitalize she because it's not a proper noun.

"We found her. She's dead. Get your ass on 24th Avenue, Seird," the voice of Karl Hanmam, her partner made her clench her teeth.

You need a period after Seird and capitalize the. And maybe add another comma after partner so it reads 'The voice of Karl Hanmam, her partner, made her clench her teeth.'

Your descriptions are great and vivid; I was able to set the mood and scene in my head. Great sentence flow and structure, great descriptions, and great character. I'll like to get to know her and Karl more later in the story.

Great introduction into your story! Let me know when the first chapter is up so I can review it too!

-Kev




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Tue Aug 13, 2013 7:35 pm
Gardevite wrote a review...



Hello there :D, Hightop here to review your story.

Firstly, that is an interesting prologue. You introduced your character very well. One thing I would have liked to know is why she had such a bad day. For a prologue, I felt that I was already caught in the middle of a story.

Your descriptions were kind of off. I think you could benefit from the " show don't tell" rule. Try to describe why something is the way it is. It helps the reader picture what's going on.

other than that I liked your story :D

Signing off,
Hightop





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