Published October 18, 2010
He stood beside me as battles raged.
He made sure to let me out of the cage
That I was crowded in, no one to set me free.
He was the one with the key.
He stood beside me as I fell down.
He made sure that I wouldn’t drown
From the tears I cried in my misery;
Always telling me that I will have victory.
He told me of glories to come
And reminding me of things I have won.
He gave me a hope I forgot was there.
He gave me reason to believe life will be fair.
“Yes, it’s difficult now but it will get better.
Your time will come and life will measure
To all that you wish it to be;
And you will finally be completely free.”
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141,411 Literary Works • 674,390 Reviews
Hi DannielleLovesong,
This is my first time reviewing your work so I'll start with the bad stuff and end with dessert - if you get what I mean.
I felt something was missing from this. You kept talking about "him" without explaining who "he" was. It was like the last puzzle piece was missing.
Now onto the dessert. It flowed amazingly well and unlike some other people, I quite liked the rhyming scheme. It also didn't go on for too long, it was short enough to be really good. Well done!
Best wishes for future writing!
RedLeaf
Hello DannielleLovesong, I really liked your poem!! It was very heart filled and beautiful. I liked your emphasis on the darkness. I also liked how there is light and hope out there. It was almost like the "light at the end of a tunnel" concept. I enjoyed how you rhymed your words but next time maybe expand even more on the misery. On the darkness so we can clearly see how he is reaching out....
Great Poem
ShaddowSoldier
Hey there Danielle! I'm Kat and I'll be giving you a quick review, okay? ;D
Alright, so the biggest issue I found with this was how the ideas were tied together. I see that, for example, in the first stanza you have a lot of ideas going around that aren't developed. Like the battle. I can assume it wasn't an actual war battle, but I would still like to see more of this idea. Then comes the cage, and the key; you don't explain why she is in the cage. Then we move along to the second stanza. Drowning in tears is just a cliché image that it made me shiver. Falling down, victory, all that sounds pretty general to me. I have yet to find something very gripping and original about this poem. The third and fourth stanza tell me pretty much the same. So, my suggestion would be to try and make it more original, more poetic even. Put in some styles, mix up your vocabulary ;D
Also, the format of this was slightly annoying. The rhyming scheme actually tied you down with the meaning, emotion and logical sequence of this poem. Remember, rhyming isn't always necessary on a poem.
Have a good day!
- Kat
Over all:
Your rhyme is seeming kinda forced, don't let rhyme govern your poem, it's your's. Rhyme is a tool that isn't always needed. Try writing without it and see if you like that better.
And you should also try to go through the motions of this form of damnation / salvation. Hitting the points like how it was to be damned, then learning to be saved or whatever then continueing to actually being saved, or just even going back and forth between hope and hopeless, and then ending with hope like you have, or whatever.
It's like a number line in a sense, or a ruler.
It has the intergers / inch / centimeter measurements but those also break down to decmiles, fraction of an inch and millimeters.
It's the different levels and where on the spectrum that you want to cover. The general motions or just the transition between one or two of them. It is up for you to decide which will better serve your point.
You should also try to get more situations and real world relations between what is in this poem and the real world. Things for us to relate to and get an understand to your poem and message. More so than just saying this is what happens. Describe them or do not mention them because otherwise they're blank description which doesn't really tell us anything.
Good luck, keep writing.
PM me with any concerns;
Silented1.
I hate being mean, but sometimes I feel like I have to. Remember, this is only because I see room for improvement, and of course, it's only an opinion...
First off, I hate this rhyme scheme. It feels very very very very super extraordinarily forced. A poem doesn't have to rhyme - some of the best ones don't. Also, everything about it, from wording to theme, felt overworked and cliche. It's just my opinion that this poem, all in all, felt lifeless and dry. I read a lot of works similar. Is it horrible? No. It's just not out of the box.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver13