Hay Dannie! Black here for a Review Day Review!
Awesome piece you have here! Your wording was very nice, the way you structured the sentence's: Really dramatic! The theme was well portrayed and expertly written, with great overall coverage! Good work for sure on this piece! If you had any weaknesses they'd be in your grammar, I'm thinking. Yeah, in grammar and in formatting/ maybe flow as well.
Okay, so why do I say you might have a problem in your formatting/ flow? Well, simple: You say that this piece is a Lyrical, Romantic piece. Now I can deduce two things from this! A: You didn't know what 'Lyrical' meant and you used it anyway, or B: You did 'Lyrical' wrong. I'd probably safely assume the first option and be totally correct, but I'll try to give you a quick coverage on the second. If my first assumption was incorrect then feel free to contact me and I can give you MUCH more extensive coverage on how to make this piece 'Lyrical'!
Okay, so here are the basics of what 'Lyrical' means and what you'll have to do to get this piece to be that. So what exactly is a piece that is 'lyrical'? Well, it's pretty much exactly what the name says it is! It's a piece of lyrics. A song. Usually not a nonsense poem, but a SONG. With a meaning. To make this piece a song, or a lyrical piece, you're going to have to break it up into lines and stanza's, reform your sentences to conform with the new goal, and then make everything rhyme. Rhyming isn't essential to lyrics, but for a beginner it is VERY important. And not only to the beginner! To everyone.
Now, next I'm going to go into the possibility that my primary assumption was correct. If it was correct then I'd best sit down here and give you a few pointers on all the problems with your Grammar I could find. I advise you to be careful and be sure to generalize from what I say. Otherwise chances are that you'll keep making these mistakes!
Yes, I matched him with my best friend. Yes, I have never felt quite as strongly about anyone as I have with him. Yes, I am friendzoned forever and ever amen.
Okay, nice new work with 'friendzoned', but it should still be 'friend-zoned'. The number of 'Yes's you use in here would be accepted in a song, but in a piece like this . . . You need to cut them down. Also, you should but a comma in after 'ever' and before 'amen'.
I'll be silently by his side. Come hell or high water.
I think a comma instead of a period would be appropriate right here. Also, something general I'd like to add: Your story here, lyrics or not, is all one big paragraph. You have to divide it up. A lot! A whole lot.
Come Hell or High Water
I know it looks better this way, but it would really be more correct to de-capitalize the 'Hell','High', and 'Water'.
Anyway, I hope this helped you somehow! Good work! You really did a great, awesome job on this piece! Be sure to keep it up. Remember to keep writing too, if you keep at it, I guarantee that you'll get better. A lot better.
~Black~
Points: 11152
Reviews: 303
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