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by DannieInkblotHanson



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Sun May 26, 2013 9:04 pm
StoneHeart wrote a review...



Hay Dannie! Black here for a Review Day Review!

Awesome piece you have here! Your wording was very nice, the way you structured the sentence's: Really dramatic! The theme was well portrayed and expertly written, with great overall coverage! Good work for sure on this piece! If you had any weaknesses they'd be in your grammar, I'm thinking. Yeah, in grammar and in formatting/ maybe flow as well.

Okay, so why do I say you might have a problem in your formatting/ flow? Well, simple: You say that this piece is a Lyrical, Romantic piece. Now I can deduce two things from this! A: You didn't know what 'Lyrical' meant and you used it anyway, or B: You did 'Lyrical' wrong. I'd probably safely assume the first option and be totally correct, but I'll try to give you a quick coverage on the second. If my first assumption was incorrect then feel free to contact me and I can give you MUCH more extensive coverage on how to make this piece 'Lyrical'!

Okay, so here are the basics of what 'Lyrical' means and what you'll have to do to get this piece to be that. So what exactly is a piece that is 'lyrical'? Well, it's pretty much exactly what the name says it is! It's a piece of lyrics. A song. Usually not a nonsense poem, but a SONG. With a meaning. To make this piece a song, or a lyrical piece, you're going to have to break it up into lines and stanza's, reform your sentences to conform with the new goal, and then make everything rhyme. Rhyming isn't essential to lyrics, but for a beginner it is VERY important. And not only to the beginner! To everyone.

Now, next I'm going to go into the possibility that my primary assumption was correct. If it was correct then I'd best sit down here and give you a few pointers on all the problems with your Grammar I could find. I advise you to be careful and be sure to generalize from what I say. Otherwise chances are that you'll keep making these mistakes!

Yes, I matched him with my best friend. Yes, I have never felt quite as strongly about anyone as I have with him. Yes, I am friendzoned forever and ever amen.

Okay, nice new work with 'friendzoned', but it should still be 'friend-zoned'. :) The number of 'Yes's you use in here would be accepted in a song, but in a piece like this . . . You need to cut them down. Also, you should but a comma in after 'ever' and before 'amen'.

I'll be silently by his side. Come hell or high water.

I think a comma instead of a period would be appropriate right here. :) Also, something general I'd like to add: Your story here, lyrics or not, is all one big paragraph. You have to divide it up. A lot! A whole lot.

Come Hell or High Water

I know it looks better this way, but it would really be more correct to de-capitalize the 'Hell','High', and 'Water'.

Anyway, I hope this helped you somehow! Good work! You really did a great, awesome job on this piece! Be sure to keep it up. Remember to keep writing too, if you keep at it, I guarantee that you'll get better. A lot better.


~Black~




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Sun May 26, 2013 5:09 am
manisha wrote a review...



Hi!

Happy Review Day!

I agree with niteowl, I too found it to be something of a personal entry. But that is fine, writing is writing as long as its good.

I like the title . It speaks for the story and the story speaks for it.

But I am the strongest girl I know

I really like this. Its my favorite phrase.

Its nice to read that you would are ready to channel the love for him in others ways and be his guardian angel. True best friends are each others' angels.

Just because he is my hero doesn't mean I can't be his.


I like this too.

Overall, I really liked it!

-manisha




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Sun May 26, 2013 4:41 am
Iggy wrote a review...



Hello there! My name is Iggy of Team Hot Sauce and I am here to review!

So, I love the beautiful use of words here. You get your point across clearly and you help paint some imagery for the readers. Good job on that.

One nitpick is how clustered this is, how cramped it is in one single paragraph. To me, this seem slike a song, and you need to space out the lyrics into verses with four sentences each. Be sure to use proper punctuation marks. That way, it is easier to read and we can get a clear concept of the song, and also find the rhyme sceme you have going.

Another nitpick is the second sentence. "Yes, I matched him with my best friend." What is this suppose to mean? I'm afraid I don't understand.

I think that's it. You did a nice job and I love the phrase "Come Hell or high water." ;)

Keep on writing!

~ Iggy.




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Sun May 26, 2013 4:37 am
Elinor wrote a review...



Hi there!

So. Unrequited love - it's an expierence that must happen to all of us at some point. As someone who's personally expierenced it, I know how painful it can be. When it's done well in fiction, it can be incredibly heartbreaking to take in. One of my favorite representations of unrequited love is the character of Eponine in Les Miserables. And it's done well for a variety of reasons. If you're unfamiliar with the story, I'll fill you in quickly - Eponine likes Marius. She has for a very long time. But she doesn't realize how much until Marius meets and falls in love with Cosette. She loves him enough to set up a meeting between the two. As hopeful as she was, she begins to realize that Marius never cared about her. Yet she still loves him, and sacrifices her life so that he can be with Cosette. Eponine knows that she cannot be with him, yet she will do anything to secure Marius's safety, even if it means her own life his forfeit. It is so, so very painful for her, but she continues on.

How does this relate to your story? Well, I don't like it because it comes across both as selfish and as immature. Firstly, when you realize that the person that you love not only does not love you, but they love somebody else, the pain is so great that you do not want to be around them for a while. There's a part of you that hopes, relishes and savors any sort of friendly affection that they might show you. But in your heart, you know that it is all false, that when you go home at night you are very alone, and you will always be. You don't think solely about you will affect their life and how lucky they are to have you. You hold on to whatever you can, because that's all you have. And your narrator seems too confident for a girl that's just had her heart broken.

Furthermore, this story should probably have some more detail. It's very general and basic. I don't know anything about who this girl is, who the other girl is, who the guy is. What is the situation? What makes it unique from the countless other times that this happens? What makes it real and not a shallow crush that will soon fade?

Consider this while you revise. Best of luck!




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Sun May 26, 2013 4:05 am
niteowl wrote a review...



Well hello again! Once again, I need to get this out of the greenroom, so let's see what we got! :)

I'm not really sure what you intended this to be, but it reads a bit too much like a teenage diary entry for my taste. There is an interesting situation presented though, and I think it has potential.

Just because he is my hero doesn't mean I can't be his.


I think this is the best part of the piece. The idea of the two people saving each other is interesting. It might be good to expand on specifics of when one "saved" the other.

I am going to come out of this affair alive.


Wait, is someone cheating on someone here? If not, use a different word, as that's what people assume if you say "affair" in a romance-related context.

Overall, there is a lot of telling about feelings. There are some good ideas here though, with the guardian angel concept. Keep writing! :)





"Beneath this mask, there is more than flesh. Beneath this mask, there is an idea, Mr. Creedy, and ideas are bulletproof."
— V for Vendetta