Young Writers Society

One more before bed!

Specifics

1. When you're writing a short story, it's even more important to set the scene than in a novel as you have to engage the reader even quicker than normal. So maybe add a few sentences at the beginning describing the location/ scene.

Overall

There's not much to critique here and this is a cute short but there's no actual conflict to it so it's not the most interesting read. It's nice to see the characters play about a bit but as a standalone piece, it's missing the sense of danger or wonder that would bring it alive. I think one way you could add some conflict would be through Maia's internal thoughts - she's having fun now but is she concerned about upcoming events or still worried about a recent fight? If you could imprint over this a sense that the full will inevitably have to end then that would create a nice contrast between the carefree present and the darkening past/ future.

I think some more description of the girls and their surroundings would also help and focus on keeping it sensory - how does the air smell around the pool? Is it a sort of marshy area or more like a hot spring/ oasis? What are the girls' next plans? Are they killing time while they plot on offensive? What's the most pressing matter for them right now?

I think it's difficult to write shorts like these which use characters from established stories which you're working on because you've got used to writing in such a way that you expect the reader to already know the characters and understand their world. In a short like this unfortunately you have to work harder because you have to write as if the reader were coming to those characters for the first time. It may help you to read author's side story collections, like Cassandra Clare has two collections which focus on small short stories about the characters that also work as standalone and she does a great job at re-introducing the characters for anyone who hasn't read her main books while not making it dull for those who have.

See you again soon!

~Heather

Hey Danni!

I'm Elinor, and I'm just dropping by to review your work today. What I liked about this story is that it was simple, feel good, and it followed the prompt well. It definitely brought me back to a simpler time in my own life and the days I would spend camping and swimming. I also liked how the bond between Eve and Maia was portrayed; I could definitely tell that they were close!

Where I'm struggling with your story right now is there isn't any conflict. The two girls go to the lake, swim for a little bit, tease each other, and then they go back. Every story should have some conflict, because that's what makes them interesting, otherwise it's just the boring bits of life we already experience. I see a couple places where you could expand on this if you so desire, but nothing ever comes to fruition. When Eve says at the end that their day was "just like the old days", it made me wonder about why they haven't been able to have a day like this in a while.

I was also a little confused as to the time and place of the story, and who exactly these girls are. They're princesses, but they also save the world, and you mention the River Styx of Greek Mythology too. But you also refer to go karts. Are the girls two ordinary girls who were playing make believe? I wasn't sure.

Just some questions to consider both for this piece and in the future. I enjoyed reading it! Good luck, and please feel free to let me know if you have any questions.

All the best,
Elinor

Hello, shaniac here to review your piece!

I like this short story. It's full of humor and the two characters that you presented are full of life. It's a nice little read (and it reminds me that I have to write my story still ). I do think at the beginning of this short story, there should be a small background with the two because you promptly just put two characters into the short story without much explanation until the very end. With putting it in the beginning, it can make the story run smoother and maybe even add a small bit of description to the characters, as that too can help make it run smoother.

There is a lot of dialogue in here, which is usually fine. But I would try to add some plot in this story to actually make it work. With plot, you can build up the character's personality and set the stage for what can happen next. I can kind of see more of this short story in terms of the two sisters going on an adventure together because you mention that they are princesses that save the world.

Honestly, she thinks she looks hot but she looks like she's in the throes of death.

@Rydia @AlexTheGreat @UtterlyBonkers @KatieC @CarolineGlitter