Meanwhile, Caz was having problems of her own. She'd nipped out to the supermarket to buy some bread, but found it completely empty.
She frowned. The supermarket was never closed. What was going on?
"I see you, Caroline Richardson...."
Caz jumped about three feet in the air. "Er, hello?" she whispered.
There was the sound of eerie laughter. With shaking fingers, Caz pulled out her smartphone and texted Danni and Alex. What was going on? She tried to summon her lightning powers, but they wouldn't work.
Shoot. Danni had warned her about this - when she got scared or angry, it messed up her magic. She pulled out her phone to ring Danni. "Damn it," she muttered, shaking the phone. "No, no, no, don't die on me now!" She growled in frustration and shoved the phone back into her pocket. She really should have remembered to charge it.
There was a loud neigh from behind her.
Caz spun around. A horse? In the middle of London?
No, not a horse. Tucked up against its flank were two, shining white wings.
It must be a pegasus.
Caz's uncle owned a farm in Worcester, and she'd spent many happy hours riding the horses there. She carefully reached out a hand. "Come on, boy," she whispered. "It's OK."
The pegasus whickered and slowly moved towards her. It nuzzled her hand.
Caz grinned. "Where did you come from?"
There was a shout. The pegasus's head snapped up.
Danni and Alex came charging round the corner. Well, Danni charged. Alex levitated.
"CAZ!" Danni yelled. "Where were you? I was looking for you! There was this massive wolf thing, but Alex turned up and we killed it, but there are two more now and THEY'RE FOLLOWING US!"
"What? Where's Marcia?"
"I don't know." Danni snapped her fingers and a long, glowing sword appeared. "Just - wait, is that a Pegasus?"
"Yep." Caz tried again to summon her powers. "I don't know where he came from." There was a fizzing noise, and her fingers crackled with electricity. "YES!"
There was a roar and the two wolves lumbered round the corner, glaring menacingly.
Marcia chose that moment to reappear. "I couldn't find her - wait, what's going on?"
"JUST FIGHT THEM!" Alex yelled at her. "Caz, you and Danni tackle the one on the left. We'll take the one on the right."
"Got it." Danni set her free hand on fire and launched herself at the beast, Caz not far behind.
The wolf roared and slashed at Caz. Danni yelled and hacked at its paw. It helped and swiped at her, pinning her down. Caz screamed and launched a volley of lightning at it. It howled in pain and released Danni, fur smoking. Its leg was bleeding where Danni had cut it.
It backed away. “We are not done with you yet, Daniella Claire Chase,” it growled.
Danni jumped. It could talk - and it knew her name.
There was a puff of smoke, and the beast vanished. The one Marcia and Alex had been fighting had gone too.
Alex looked pale. “What the heck were those?”
Caz glances over to the anxious Pegasus. “And what do we do with him?”
Danni nodded. “And.... why did they want us?”
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139,556 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Hey, Danni! Good to see you again
Hmm... this isn’t my favorite chapter either.So I guess that this is a series about you, your alternate personalities, and what I believe is your boyfriend...? I don’t really remember much about your personal life (I generally don’t know about people’s personal lives. I block it out of my mind so I won’t seem like a stalker). And, while I do think that this is a good idea, I remember being super uncomfortable with the following-Flumadiddle-and-Thomas-Sanders-with-the-alternate-personalities-thing, even if I did play along. I just want you to keep that in mind while reading.
I also didn’t read the other chapters (I don’t think, though I’ve read so many things on here it kind of blurred together), so I’m not sure what’s going on in this chapter, but I’ll try my best: basically, Danni (a demigod of some Norse god(dess) and related to Magnus Chase [though if Chase is your real last name and that’s your real name you should change that, since it’s dangerous]), Marcia (her alternate come to life, from what I remember from everyone’s alternate phases), Caz (sister? Irl, anyways), and Alex (boyfriend~~ ooooo! **wiggles eyebrows**) are on an adventure together and stuffs when some wolves attack them (My Magnus Chase senses are tingling) and Caz discovers a pegasus. This chapter moves very very fast and is, therefore, confusing.
I would slow it down. Have Caz in the market for a whole chapter, and then switch points of view for the next chapter to give your readers a fabulous fight scene with Alex and Danni (also, during the fight scene with your chapter, you were just going through motions. What did Caz feel? What did it feel like when Danni was pinned down? Do Caz’s fingers tingle? What happened to the environment? Huh? What? I just think that you have so much potential in the fight scene and that, without description, you wasted it.
Also, you brought on the pegasis too fast, I think. Save the pegasis thing for a later chapter.
Spoiler
Yes. You have eyes, don’t you?
Alright, I’m done. I could say more, but I’m in class and don’t feel like oofing my way through this in class and I don’t want to overwhelm you even more haha
So baiiii
Chase isn%u2019t my real name (unfortunately)
Thanks! I%u2019m probably going to rewrite this
Hi!
Try to avoid using full caps to express emphasis. It looks messy/ not professional and it's much more effective if you can convey this level of terror/ worry by describing how the characters act or using tone in your dialogue.Specifics
1. The first line is a little confusing, at first I thought the supermarket was empty like there was no produce there or someone had taken all the bread. Maybe you need to make it clearer that it's empty of people.
2. Where does the speaker's voice come from? Does Caz try to look for where they are? We generally feel better when we can see the thing which has spooked us (unless it also looks super spooky) so it's a natural reaction to look around for the source. I think adding more description like that would help us picture this better.
3.
For example, you could write:
"THEY'RE FOLLOWING US!"
Or
"Quick - run! they're following!"
The second of these shows the desperation and emphasis through tone/ words instead and is more professional.
4. How does Caz feel about the wolves? Are they scary? Is she almost afraid enough to lose control of her magic again? these ltitle details can help us understand and relate to the character and the more they struggle, the more we'll want to cheer them on!
5.
6. Careful not to change tense!
Overall
It's good to see the group back together, though I think you could have had Caz struggle for a little longer at the beginning and I'd like to see her think more about the voice she heard. Does she wonder if it was one of the wolves? Was it familiar to her? Is she still afraid that person is lurking around? It seems to get lost once the others catch up so be careful not to drop plot points too quickly.
The chapter is also very light on description - don't forget to describe the location and to add in objects during fight scenes so we get a sense of space. This can involve characters dodging around objects, such as a bench in a park or a car in a street to remind us where they are. Even just describing what the ground is like when they fall is very good to help us feel absorbed in your scene.
This is a nice continuation though and I'll look forward to seeing what happens next!
~Heather
Thanks! This helps
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