"This is awesome," said Caz, staring open-mouthed at Marcia.
Danni had texted her friends to confirm the spell had worked, and they'd rushed over immediately.
"Where are you going to keep her?" Alex asked, sitting on Danni's bed next to her.
"Keep me? I'm not a zoo animal!" Marcia snapped.
"I was thinking the basement," Danni replied, ignoring Marcia.
"The basement?" Marcia said incredulously.
"Nobody ever goes down there except for us," Caz explained. "It's like our den. And even if someone does go there, you can make yourself invisible, right?"
Marcia nodded. "It's a good plan, I suppose."
"I still feel bad about not telling Nicola," Alex sighed.
"We can't," Caz said glumly. "I'd love to, but she's human. Anyway, her dad's a journalist. If it got out we could do magic, they'd take us away and experiment on us."
"Yeah. Shame." Alex grinned suddenly. "Hey, Dan, what do you think would happen if I told Casey about this?"
Danni burst out laughing. "She'd run over here and demand to be taught magic."
"She's wanted to be a witch ever since she was seven," Alex smiled. "Oh well, she wouldn't believe me anyway. And neither would Nicola."
"Kids! Dinner!" Katie yelled up the stairs.
Danni smiled apologetically to Marcia. "Sorry, Marcia. You'll have to stay up here. We'll come back for you. Guys, come on!"
As they walked out, Alex told them a joke and everyone burst out laughing.
Marcia stared after them with contempt. Mortals. They snatched her from her home, her family, and then treated it like a game. They had no idea of what she was capable of. She smiled suddenly as she thought of something. Tarantula wouldn't stand for this. She'd come looking for her sister. And when she found her, they would wreak their wrath on the girl who stole her away.
- Another short chapter! So sorry, guys. I will do better, promise. Just wanted to get this done. Sorry! :(
End of chapter
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139,536 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
AnimalQueen here!
So glad to see the next chapter up! It's a good one, too. I only have a few problems with it. The first is that I wish you had put in more imagery details. I'd really like more description on the room everyone was in.
The second is the second sentence. No grammar or spelling issues, but I think it would sound better if you said:
'When Danni texted her friends to tell them the spell worked, they came over right away.'
Instead of:
'Danni had texted her friends to confirm the spell worked, and they'd rushed over immediately.'
And lastly, if the ether is a magical dimension, I imagine it to be more different than I can imagine, so would they have zoos? If they don't, couldn't Marcia have known about them.
Other then those three things, it was a good chapter. Suspenseful. I like the mention of a sister, and I'm going to read the next chapter right away!
AnimalQueen out!
Thanks!
You're welcome!
Hi, I thought I'd take a look at this one first
I think this needs to be expanded/ more convincing. If I was Marcia, I'd be wondering what that meant, whether I'd get brought food or have to fend for myself. She has all the power and I think at this point if I was her I'd be demanding bigger answers.Specifics
1. I'd normally suggest starting a chapter with some description to set the scene and tell us where we are/ remind us of where we left off. Dialogue makes a good start when it's really quick and snappy or shocking but I think as a general rule, description draws the reader in more.
2. The flow of conversation is really smooth so good job there! I love Marcia's indignation about the basement and I hope that kind of small stream of conflict continues. It's good to see little hints that she has her own agenda.
3.
Overall
Yes, it's a little short! There are some fun ideas starting to be introduced here but I think it can be tightened up. I think the point of view switch to Marcia at the end is a little off. I'd suggest either having the chapter from her perspective to really show the contempt she feels or keeping it as a neutral view point and then showing us more of her contempt through the dialogue. I think it's really key that we understand just how much trouble Danni is in so we can feel that building conflict.
That's all I have for now but I'll check out more chapters soon!
~Heather
Hi, Danni88 and @CarolineGlitter. Kanome here with a review.
NITPICKS:
The only thing I just want to nitpick is that the chapter was short. I wish there was more to read, but it's okay.
IMPROVEMENT:
Make your chapters a little longer along the way. Also, make sure you provide a little detail on your characters appearance and the setting. I know the setting was in a bedroom, but add a little imagery to it?
OVERALL:
This was a great read. At the end, it created curosity for the reader, meaning like, what's going to happen next? I don't know if you porsted chapter two yet, if you did, I shall read that one also because this is very interesting. I love the character Marcia so far. Makes me wonder what kind of person she is and what she's capable of throughout the story. Well, keep up the great work. Can't wait to read more! Keep writing!
Thanks!
Chapter 1 out!! Sorry it's a bit short. I tag @Rydia, @izanami (I remembered XD), @Lake and @Flumadiddle
Again! I never got a notif for this! I have no idea why! im sorry!
That's so weird!