Published January 29, 2011
A little girl sat alone on the swing, her mom too busy to push her. So instead she swayed lightly her feet just grazing the ground. As she swayed she looked around the rest of the park, where the other moms and dads played with their kids, while her mom stood at the edge of the park talking away into her phone.
Suddenly she felt a light push on her back, she went a little higher. Another push sent her into the air. She giggled, and turned around expecting to se the face of her mom, but she didn't. Instead pushing her was a boy, he was her age. His hair was sandy brown, his brown eyes shone with excitement.
She giggled again turning around she felt another push on her back, sending her even higher into the air. After around five minutes she decided she wanted to meet the little boy, lightly she jumped off the swing and landed lightly on her feet. She turned around still smiling, facing the boy.
He smiled back, "Do you wanna play super heroes?" He asked.
"What's a hero?" The little girl asked shyly.
"A hero's a guy who always saves people who need help." He explained excitetly.
"Oh, OK, I'll play." she said beaming.
He smiled and hesitated, taking her small hand in his he looked into her blue eyes and said, "I wantto be your hero."
- - - - - - - - - - - -
They played all day, she learned his name was Ty Hasbrook, and that his favorite color was blue. He learned her name was Madison Mc Lowley.
By the time Madison's mom dragged her away from the park, and most importantly, Ty, tears were streaming down her face.
He had promised to be he hero, and he was. He always picked he up when she fell, even if he would get hurt in the process. He was her hero, that is until high school came around. . .
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140,900 Literary Works • 673,706 Reviews
You used lightly twice here.
It would be better if you split this into 2 sentences.
McLowley should be one word.
The purple part is what I'm talking about: It's a little bit awkward here... I don't know why. It just is. Try saying it out loud then trying to fix it.
Nice piece you've got here! I like it, it's sweet, well written, and has good emotion. Nice job!
Keep writing,
Alzora
Good job. I liked the idea, and I liked the way you comunicated it. There's not really anything I can say that others haven't commented on. It did seem rushed, and it could use more detail. This would be a fun topic to go farther with, and elaborate on. It would be interesting to hear what happened in highschool in detail. The conflict would be an interesting read if you chose to continue with this.
Keep on writing. You did a great job.
Hey!
I don't really have anything constructive to point out as Ilovebubbles123 has done an awesome job on that already.
I just wanted to say that I liked this. It was cute and fun!
I agree that you need to proof read a little more before posting, but it's not the end of the world. It'll just make your work easier to read once you post it on here
This part seemed a little rushed. One minute she's enjoying being pushed on the swing and then it's five minutes later and she's decided she wants to get to know this little boy. That's fair enough, but I'd suggest adding in some description between the two sentences I've quoted above.
E.g. - 'She giggled again turning around she felt another push on her back, sending her even higher into the air. She could feel a breeze on her face and the cool of the metal on her skin from where she was gripping the chain of the swing in her palm. After around five minutes she decided she wanted to meet the little boy, lightly she jumped off the swing and landed lightly on her feet. She turned around still smiling, facing the boy.'
The bold above is just a suggestion, but I think a little description would benefit your story. You don't have to describe the breeze or the feel of the swing though. You could say how she's feeling - happy? Excited? Etc.
I like the cliffhanger style ending. It really makes me want to read on
I hope this review is helpful. Thanks for the read!
xDudettex
Hi there, Lavvi in to review.
You have a nice start here, and I'd say this is more like a prologue than a first chapter.
There are some parts where somes commas are missing, like:
I'm not going to go through the whole thing and point out all the missing places because you can do that yourself by reading this aloud, or having someone else read it. I'm just making you aware
Dialogue:
In both these quotations, you need a comma between your end word ("help" and "play") and your closing quotation. *Also there's a spelling error in your first line: "excitetly" to "excitedly".
I thought this was a cute start to what could potentially could be a good romance novel, but you need more description. I really felt like you were rushing the whole thing. Perhaps you should give us a write-up of what Madison looked like, expand your characters. Right now, they feel like 'flat' characters--few traits. It's obvious they're going to be the protagonists of the story, so casually teach us about them, but don't overload us with information. Give us needed basics.
The end, I thought, was especially rushed. Perhaps give us a paragraph or two telling us how Ty and Madison played at the park together. Tag? Hide-and-seek maybe? *No ellipsis needed at the very end of your piece.
So, give us more detail. It'll appeal the reader more
A nice start, as I mentioned before. I'm looking forward to more of this.
Lavvi
really good, i won't go indepth because ilovebubbles already did but I want MORE, there just isn't enough for me, what happened at high school? Other than that, very impressive
keep up he writing ;P
- Tinkem
I like this story! It's short and simple and sweet! My critiques:
1) The kids' dialogue seems forced and a little too grown-up for my taste. How old are they? By the way you made them sound, I would guess ten or eleven, but I imagined them more five or six-ish. Their actions also seem a little unreal in some parts, like when she first discovers who's pushing her. Maybe it's just me, though.
2) Check your spelling and grammar. You had a lot of small mistakes, and after a while, those really turn off readers.
3) The info drop at the end left me unsatisfied. I want details! When did she fall? Why was he hurt? What did they do together? Just saying that he was her hero doesn't really satisfy the reader... but I do want to know why he stopped around high school.
Write more, please! I love this storyline and these characters!
Taylor