E - Everyone Violence

My 6th Grade Story...

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This day, the day of the “Hunger Games,”began as an ordinary day, watching a movie with my friends and some really awesome football players and singers/electronic musicians but in the middle of the movie… I was watching The Hunger Games with my friends Riley, Casey, Luke, Jonathan, Dylan, Diego, Payden, Timothy, and some really awesome football players and singers/electronic musicians, Victor Cruz, Tony Romo, Ben Roethlisberger, Wes Welker, RG3, Peyton Manning, Tim Tebow, Peter, Miley Cyrus, Justin Bieber, Harry Styles, Taylor Swift, Ariana Grande, Skrillex,Deadmau5 and me, Daniel. They were about to fight when we saw electricity coming out of the TV. We all got sucked in and were in The Hunger Games. We were about to fight. The prize was $1,000,000 and a rare chocolate pretzel.

We were all scared but they started the countdown. 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1,0, We all ran to get weapons. Before it started Luke, Riley, and I all mouthed that we need to have an alliance, and that we would meet in the woods. I grabbed a backpack,Luke grabbed a thick long sword, Riley grabbed two bows and arrows. We headed to the woods. When I was heading to the woods I saw Miley Cyrus stab Wes Welker and he disappeared “That must mean there’s no blood” I said. Riley said “He saw Tim Tebow stab Jonathan.” As Luke, Riley and I start walking down a hill we met up with Skrillex. We were scared because we thought he was going to end our lives but he said “I want to join your group.” So Luke, Riley, and I started whispering, Should we trust him, I said “I don’t think we should trust him,”Riley said, “Yes I can definitely trust him,”Luke said “Yes we can trust him,” So I said “alright, majority rules,”So we went up to Skrillex and said, “You can join.” Skrillex was so excited!

We then began our journey to hunt down the rest of the tributes. We found Miley Cyrus we tried to capture her but she came in with a wrecking ball so we chose to flee instead of finishing her off. We then heard someone near us, it was Diego I hurried to take the knife out of Luke’s hand and I sneaked behind him and stabbed him in the back then he disappeared. We then went on even further and at midnight we were about to find a place to camp out but we heard somebody in the distance. It was Justin Bieber and Harry, we moved in to kill them but Harry saw us coming, so right when Justin bieber lost his head (literally) by the hand of Luke’s sword, Harry ran, he got about a half of a mile before Skrillex finally dived and caught him. As Skrillex sat on top of him pinning him down while pointing his knife at him. Harry said something about an alliance between him, Justin Bieber, Tony Romo, Miley Cyrus, Deadmau5, Timothy, and Peyton and that they were all coming after us. After Skrillex heard this he killed Harry and we went on to find a place to camp for the night. Once we found a place, Riley and I fell asleep while Luke and Skrillex stayed watch until it was our turn.

After about four hours they woke me and Riley up.It was our turn to watch.When I was on duty I was slowly falling asleep when I saw someone pointing at me. It was Timothy and his alliance. I then woke everybody up and told them. We then gathered everything up as fast as we could. We ran as fast as possible. I almost fainted because I was carrying the heaviest bag with food, drinks, weapons, and other supplies in it. We ran until we couldn’t see them. Then I heard something shaking in the woods it was Timothy and his alliance! They had us surrounded.

As us four stood in a circle, it all seemed hopeless. And just when you think things can’t get any worse. Skrillex turns on Riley and cuts off his foot with his knife. As Skrillex Joined Timothy’s surrounding circle Luke and I began to put down our weapons and surrender.Then all of a sudden RG3, Ben Roethlisberger, Casey, and Dylan came out of nowhere and started attacking Timothy’s alliance.

While Skrillex and Peyton were caught off guard and killed within seconds. Miley, Tony, and Timothy made it out while killing Casey in the process and leaving Dylan with a deep cut on his forearm. Once we patched up Dylan and Riley we asked RG3 and Ben to join our alliance “Yes we really need to destroy that alliance.” said RG3.

We all went into the woods and spent the night there. We all were really tired, Ben and RG3 were watching for Timothy’s alliance then they woke up Riley and I. It was our turn to watch, I volunteered to do it myself because Riley was still in major pain. I then sat on a tree stump, watching.

As I sat on the stump I felt my eyelids slowly getting heavier. They then fell down. I shook my head trying to stay awake. I then whispered to myself “Stay awake,Stay awake,” I then fell asleep.

I woke up with not a care in the world I saw my alliance surrounding me looking mad.“You fell asleep, You could of had us killed.” said Luke. I looked at my watch on my right wrist.

It was 5:00 o’clock in the morning. I was so tired. I was so tired I almost fell asleep again until I thought I saw someone, so I whispered to everyone,” I see someone but I can’t see who it is,” I looked in the direction then looked at everyone being careful not to alarm the unknown person. I kept on looking at him/her to see if he/she saw us. I looked at the person then at my alliance.

I kept on repeating it so my alliance knew where to look. I finally nodded my head which is a signal that means go all of us but Riley, Dylan,and RG3 stayed because Riley and Dylan were injured and RG3 needed to stay to protect them. Since Luke and I were a bit faster than Ben we ran ahead. We figured out it was Deadmau5. Luke was just about to get them then he tripped.

I was going so fast I couldn’t get a fast stop, I decided to leave him behind because I knew that Ben would help him. I leaped off a tall rock and stabbed Deadmau5 in the back, he quickly disappeared. I rushed back to the camp. I found my way back to the camp and saw that Luke had a cut on his leg I said” Hey it’s better than breaking something,” Luke said“ Did you get him?” I said”Yes one less man to worry about, come on let’s patch you up and get you to take a nap.” I then saw someone with long blonde hair. I went up carefully with a knife slowly and steady and I asked

“Do you want to join our alliance?”

Taylor said in a scared voice “Yes” Then I heard something in the bushes. It was Tim Tebow I asked him if he would like to join our alliance

He also said “Yes” I came back to camp but all of a sudden Tim Tebow went and cut Dylan’s foot off, I quickly grabbed a knife and stabbed his chest he then disappeared. Taylor Swift said “I knew he was trouble when he walked in.” I then patched up Dylan and made him take a nap. I went to sleep but before I went to bed I heard 11 shots. They sounded like cannons. I realized that they were gonna show who lost. I saw a picture of everyone that has lost.

I was surprised because I saw Casey up there and I knew he was a really good fighter and also a future firefighter. I then went to bed. Before I fell asleep I was thinking. I was thinking about where everyone went because they didn’t die, they just disappeared.

I thought maybe it was a dream I asked Luke who was next to me “Can you pinch me?” He pinched me and it felt like fire against my skin. I said loudly “Ouch,” He said “ You asked.” I then thought some more. I was so tired I felt my eyelids getting heavier. I fell asleep.

I woke up to the sound of popping. I slowly went outside and saw that Ben Roethlisberger was making toast and sausage. I asked “What’s that popping?” He said “The sausages,” I calmed down. I asked “Where did you get that?” He said “It was in Tim Tebow’s backpack.” No one was hungry except Ben he ate 7 sausages and then went out to find berries. I was waiting for Ben to finish picking berries. An hour past, two hours. Then I got worried and started looking for him.

I finally found him, then he disappeared, right before he disappeared I saw his face with no berry stains. I then figured out it was the sausages. I ran back to camp and saw Luke about to eat the sausage.

I yelled “NO THEY ARE POISONOUS!” He hurried to throw the sausage on the ground.“ Ben is dead!” We carried all our stuff and I noticed that Taylor was gone I asked Luke

“Where’s Taylor,” he said “I don’t know.” I heard screaming. I ran towards the screaming and saw that Peyton Manning with a knife against Taylor. I saw her and in that split second she disappeared. I ran up but tripped and Peyton’s sword got a centimeter away from me because I rolled away. He had me down with his knees pinning my arms down. I was so scared wondering where am I going to go. I closed my eye and got ready for a pain but then I waited then I heard a voice.

“Daniel? Are you ok?” I got up and said “Yeah I’m ok.” I looked up and Peyton Manning wasn’t there. I saw Luke, he had a machete in his hand.

I said “Cool sword” I was scared that someone else heard the scream so I kept on looking back to see. I thought I saw someone but all i saw was a bush then I saw a squirrel with something in its hands. I thought it was a acorn but it was too big for an acorn. I took a closer look and I saw that it was a grenade, without a pin. I dove to tackle Luke into the bushes and we landed on the ground then I said “Hold your ears” He said “Why” then he held them, then I also said, “Now hold them really,” Then a huge explosion interrupted me. BOOM! I saw a piece of the medal coming towards Luke. I dove and made the piece of metal hit me instead of Luke. When the explosion was done Luke saw what I had done for him and saw that I had a piece of metal in my left shoulder. He picked me up and carried me back to the tent. He layed me down and took the piece of metal out of me. When I was sleeping I had a dream that Luke then the rest of us disappear by Timothy’s alliance. Then I saw myself back at home with everyone else that had disappeared.

After I saw that I woke up quickly and started searching for Luke and the rest of us. I found Luke and Riley, but not Dylan. Then I heard Dylan yell “HELP!” Luke ran towards the yell and saw Victor Cruz with his arms around Dylan’s neck he snapped his neck then Dylan disappeared. Luke realized that we didn’t have any weapons, then we saw a sword next to Victor. Victor looked where we were looking and saw that a sword was next to him. He picked it up and started to run towards us. Luke ran away and i said “ Where are you going?” Before he could answer me I looked right and there was Victor Cruz with a sword running after me. Since I am a wide receiver I dodged him. I was just about to dodge again when I heard my name it was Luke calling. I looked at Luke and he said “Watch out.” I looked at where Victor Cruz was, and he was coming after me. His sword almost got me but I barely dodged him. I was looking for Luke when Victor tackled me. Victor had my arms down. I knew that Luke was coming but I saw him and he didn’t see me pinned down. I turned on my side so I was pinning him but he did the same thing. We kept on rolling until I grabbed his sword and stabbed him. He disappeared. Luke ran over to where I was and said “Are you ok?” I said “Yes.” I thought for a second and then I thought about Riley. I ran back to camp and saw that Riley was getting attacked and disappeared. It was Peter. I snuck behind him but he heard me. I dodged his knife. I felt like Matrix dodging everything. I stabbed him and he disappeared. I told Luke to come over here but he didn’t. Luke screamed “Daniel!” I ran towards him and he said that he saw Timothy, Miley, Ariana, Tony Romo, and RG3. “I thought RG3 was on our side.” I said. He said “I hear someone.” I held my sword even tighter, trying not to be scared. Timothy’s alliance jumped out and surrounded us. I was so scared I swung my sword and hit Ariana, she disappeared. Luke thought I started fighting so he swung at Miley but missed and hit RG3, he disappeared. It was three against two even though we didn’t have a good chance we had a better one since Ariana and RG3 disappeared. Luke swung at Tony and he swung his sword at Luke’s sword. Since Luke was stronger than Tony he turned Tony’s sword around and it flew away. Luke stabbed Tony and he disappeared. Luke went after Timothy and I went for Miley. Timothy stabbed Luke and Luke disappeared. Miley came in with a wrecking ball but she gave it to Timothy. Timothy tried to use it but I dove and he hit Miley instead of me. She disappeared. The wrecking ball got stuck in a tree and Timothy had to jump off of it. While he was getting ready to jump I grabbed a sword and stabbed him in the chest. He disappeared and I was transported to the maker of the game and he gave me $1,000,000 and a rare chocolate pretzel. Everyone was still alive and I used the money to buy a mansion and a ferrari. I lived happy for almost the rest of my life...The End

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
Raindeer
Review

Hey, there! Rain here for a short review >3<

I really liked this story. It was a nice twist on the whole Hunger Games thing, haha. Very gruesome stuff indeed. o.o The ending was a bit abrupt - maybe foreshadow or slowly glide into it instead of just quickly saying everyone survived etc?

The first thing that immediately threw me off when reading this was the amount of people in your story you were introducing at a time. Like, hey, I cannot keep track of that many people at once. Slow it down. Start by introducing the bigger, more main characters. Give them more background story. Then, ease in to the lesser characters and don't give as much background story. If they're not important at all, hey, don't give them a name, even!

The second thing that made me do a double take was the lack of page breaks. It's really hard to read huge paragraphs like you have here, and proper writing ettiquette is not this. When someone speaks, enter. When the matter/topic is changing, enter.

ENTER ENTER ENTER!

Also, punctuation. Be sure to put a period at the end of your sentence. Proper punctuation when writing dialogue. If you need more explanation, head on over to this link right here >> https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/section/1/6/ There are plenty of other websites that are helpful, but this one will do the trick!!

I think that's it for my review. It was a lovely story and I hope to see more from you on YWS in the future! Keep writing,

~ EternalRain

User avatar
CarolineHart
Review

For a sixth grader, this is actually pretty good. It's pretty long for that age, too. Your dedication to writing shows!

So, I think that if you wanted to go back and improve your story now, most of your technical issues came in the form on capitalization where it wasn't needed, and commas. Feel free to PM me, and I can help you find them all. Also, when a new character begins to speak, you need to differentiate that by creating a new paragraph. That would solve the issue of having a huge block of text, and will be more appealing to the readers. There were a few more slight issues, but nothing that I haven't seen people my own age do plenty of times as well. So overall, considering your grade level at the time, it's solid.

Now, onto style. I think that, for a story like this, you should aim for showing rather than telling. Use your senses to describe the grenade going off. Did you feel the ground shake? Did you smell smoke? Those little details will draw a reader in more.

Over all though, solid piece for the age. Feel free to PM me if you ever have any questions, or if you would like a second set of eyes before posting. You've definitely got great potential. Keep writing!

Hello! Waffle here for a short review.

This sure does have its flaws, but for 6th grade it's good. I am around the age of a 6th grader right now, and I realize that both of us (referring to your 6th grade self) have some work to do in our writing. This is long, and at times got pretty boring. I am not into the whole Hunger Games thing, but this was an interesting twist on it.

I am sure you have improved since, and I hope you will continue to write. Happy writing!

Waffle~



they say money can't buy happiness, but what they don't realize is that money *can* buy novelty socks.
— blueca