I Say I Love You

Okay. This was kind of a sad poem. No wait wrong words I meant to say, this was a sad poem period. LOL! I really liked it though. It was very meaningful.

I liked how you shared your feelings, and used expression. That's what people want. They want to know what happened, and what you are feeling. This has so much meaning, emotion, expression. It's just great!

Now, the flow of the poem seemed a little.... I don't know.... Let's say you could've made the flow better. Try breaking your poem into stanzas. Here is an example....

Instead of doing this...

[quote Now you apparently found another for me,

You want me to say “I love you,”

But I don’t know if that’s true,

I guess I’ll find out along the way,

But I won’t make it that far.

You force me to give her hugs

Give her everything she wants

But why should I listen to you?

After all, you did break my heart./quote]

You could do something like this...

[quote. Now you apparently found another for me,
You want me to say "I love you,"
But I don't know if that's true,
I guess I'll find out along the way

***

But I won't make it that far.
You force me to give her hugs
Give her everything she wants.
But why should I listen to you?
After all, you did break my heart./quote]

This helps the flow of the poem. Now I'm not trying to make you look stupid, and I'm not trying to be rude or harsh, I'm just trying to help, so please don't take this review personally. I really did like the poem, just keep in mind, I'm trying to help you, so that your writing will improve. Because I make mistakes, and no one is perfect, so therefore we can all improve.

Anyway as I was saying. Stanzas help the flow of the poem because it's easier to read. No you don't have to add the starts after each stanza, I just did that so you could see the stanza in-case it didn't show up right, in the quote box.

Now, I think that's about, because caliginous pointed out everything else... Lol, but that's okay.

Anyway, I really loved your poem, and I hope you keep writing them...

Keep up the good writing,
Love,
Dogs

~Ello, caliginous here~

Amazing poem! I love the way you describe all that has happened and how exactly you felt throughout, yet still keep it clear and easy to understand. With that said, I shall now dive into some improvements.

First of all, stanzas. Breaking up this poem would aid the flow of it, separating information to create organization. But considering this is your first poem, you may have tried to create stanzas but they didn't work. If this is the case, that's because YWS does weird things to poem spacing. It deletes double spaces, eliminating the spaces in between stanzas if all you did was tap "enter" twice. In order to create stanzas, you must press shift+enter after each line EXCEPT for the last line of each stanza. At the end of the last line of each stanza, only press enter. There are some forums and people you could ask if you want to learn more about this. But if this is not the case, you simply did not add stanzas, just ignore this chunk of the review and consider adding them.

"That’s if I get that far."
Maybe you should think about un-contracting(?) "that" and "is", then adding a comma and maybe even an "even". This way the line would read: "That is, if I even get that far". Just for the sake of a better description. And the next line, "Things have changed," please change that comma at the end to a period. It would have more power as a full sentence.

"We fight and cuss each other out,
I can’t stand it, but we do."
I have two different suggestions for these lines. The first one is making each line its own sentence to bring more meaning to them. The second is making the first line and part of the second line one sentence. This first sentence would read "We fight and cuss each other out, / I can't stand it." Then "But we do" would be its own sentence. This would really, truly bring much power to that second sentence. It would certainly stand out. I personally like the second choice more.

"The word are like knives"
Yes. I am pointing out a typo right now. "Word" should be "words". Sorry, I had to. And one more thing - please add a comma at the end of this line. It would make more sense.

"You’ve made me become an animal,"
Awkward phrasing. This line doesn't make the most sense. Perhaps change it to "You've turned me into an animal" or even "Because of you, I've become an animal". Oh, and get rid of the comma at the end of the line to improve the flow. It doesn't need to be there. And of course, the next two lines - please add periods at the end of each one.

"I can't escape this hell" Add a period.

"Now you apparently found another for me," Change that comma to a period.

"I guess I'll find out along the way," Switchin' that comma up with a period would allow for more strength and meaning.

"You force me to give her hugs
Give her everything she wants" Add commas at the end of each of these lines, please.

Overall, beautiful poem! Love it! And of course, man, I'm sorry this happened to you. Good luck with whatever's goin' on. I'm not one for motivational speeches, but if this is current, you're still with that girl and you wanna break up with her, I would recommend "JUST DO IT" by Shia LaBoeuff on YouTube. That video has gotten me through a lot of procrastination.

I hope I helped!
~caliginous