They give you names and numbers--
just for you
but not unique.
They take comfort in your empirical structure.
If you don't fit into a category--well, that just can't be.
So they'll make one for you.
They'll cut you a hole to slide in.
They'll make a space on the list.
Over time they'll smooth your edges and polish you
Like other china, you'll rest with the set on a shelf
Until you've been on display
so long
you're forgotten
And an
Unmemorable, abandoned monument
To an
Unmemorable, unacknowledged existence.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,847 Reviews
YEAH, BREAK DOWN THE WALLS OF CONVENTION WITH INDIVIDUALISM!!!!!!
I loved the first stanze, by the way. The third one was awesome, too. On to the crit, I suppose. The fourth verse kind of stopped the flow of the poem. I can almost see that happening, but there needs to be some rhythm there. It flows really well until there, though. The ending is kind of hard to read. It was good in the beginning, but at the end it's like you whipped out a dictionary and decided to confuse us all. Other than that, though, I loved it. I get the poem, sometimes I feel the same way, though you put it so much more eloquently than I ever could have. Keep it up, and welcome to YWS!
~Corvin
First off, let me say Welcome to YWS! Just for the record, we ask our members to review at least two other pieces before posting one. This way, there is a balance of works getting posted and reviewed.
That said, let's move on to the poem. I enjoyed it, however your rhythm was kind of weird in places.
I'd make this one line because the rest of the lines in that stanza were longer. Plus I'd put a "that" between long and you're.
The last stanza really threw me. You go from short lines to really long, tongue-twister lines. Just try saying "Unmemorable unacknowledged existence" ten times fast! Maybe if you re-thunk the word choice and line breaks, this would look better.
This was good, but it could use a little re-structuring. Keep writing!
They give you names and numbers--
just for you,
but not unique. Perfect rhythm, I love this verse.
They take comfort in your empirical structure.
If you don't fit into a category--well, that just can't be.
So they'll make one for you. These lines don't really flow at all. It doesn't have a rhythm or structure. I like what it expresses, but it needs rhythm.
They'll cut you a hole to slide in.
They'll make a space on the list.
Over time they'll smooth your edges and polish you
Like other china, you'll rest with the set on a shelf
Until you've been on display
so long
you're forgotten. This verse too lacks rhythm. I like the imagery here a lot though.
And an
Unmemorable, abandoned monument
To an
Unmemorable, unacknowledged existence. I like this verse a lot too. The one thing I would change is the word unacknowledged. It's too long. You need something definitely no longer than 'abandoned' or it messes up the flow.
This was good, the thoughts were expressed in a unique way, and I liked what was expressed. The thing is, it has such an erratic form that I really don't know what to make of it. The lengths of the verses had no pattern. You need to find a way for everything to flow. That's the biggest issue with this. Otherwise, good job!
*adna*