I like the banter between the characters, this does a good job of establishing setting and plot. If you were more sadistic you could reveal things more slowly, you would still have them hooked, it is strong narratively as an opening chapter, it does exactly what it needs to do, draw you.
Hair and eye colour is one of my pet peeves in characterisation, I have to say, particularly when jewels and precious metals/woods are involved. You aren't the first to use it, and there have been many great authors who have done so. Bram Stoker, despite his spontaneously computing all the Victorian ladies' elaborate undergarments, not only used it, but was forgetful about which he chose, so the characters' hair and eye colour kept changing. JM Barrie, of Peter Pan fame, wrote this hilarious short story whining about how, because of bodice-rippers, no one likes short guys like him any more, describing this railway car full of girls of various jewelled eyes etc etc etc. But you are better than them. You do have supporting description of body type and movement. Rather than deliberate asides on physical deacription, though, you could weave it in to the action a little tighter. So they have have blonde and red hair, maybe they are concerned about it because that is unuual in the town, and it makes Wake more self conscious, while his partner is strangely self assured. So the redhead is lanky, maybe they got ther village clothes in less than legal ways and so they fit badly on them. Ideally, to keep the tension and suspense you want to stay close to the natural train of thought, and people tend to ignore a lot of the familiar stuff, unless they have good reason. Your observations are sharp, you have all the skills you need to make it mindblowing, just keep focus.
My other generalization is you could use more sense imagery to support your descriptions, I can see this very clearly in my head, but scent and taste are actually stronger triggers, a reader can't help experiencing them. It would give the setting more body and grit, make us feel it.
The setting sun cast dying rays into the thin forest brush, making the ground dappled with light through which only shadows could pass, like eerie remnants of ghosts.
This is a very long opening sentence, a paragraph really. It is quite elaborate but beautifully phrased qnd with well thought out, coherent themes like dying to ghosts. The 's' alliteration is a nice touch, setting a long still mood without being heavy handed.
Through said forest silently strode a sullen, unnaturally flame-haired boy, and beside him a somewhat shorter blonde-haired boy, his partner. Their black cloaks billowed around their ankles with the wind.
I like the ankles, I like the height. Flame, now what colour is fire? It can be orange, white, blue, green, yellow, always changing. I am curious about what kind of flame is red. Do please count how many times you use hair colour and eye colour, and how often, trust your description and characterization they will do most of the work for you.
Looking forward to reading more, will be able to say more as I get a feel for your style throughout this. Very nice work, well done.
Points: 4987
Reviews: 163
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