Done with half of the rewriting of this critique.
Does he at least look hot?
I'm a little biased about him being hot because I based his description off my boyfriend.
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Alright. I'm posting my first story on here. It's untitled right now so any title suggestions would be great. So what does everyone think?
**Sidhe is almost like an elf but sidhe is found in Irish Mythology.**
I just wanted to include this so that everyone knows what it is. Thanks for pointing that out to me Myth.
Chapter 1
The crunching of leaves broke the silence in the forest. The hooded figure moved swiftly with a bag swinging at the side. Suddenly they came to a spot and looked around. Seeing nobody was there yet the person took a seat by a large boulder. Sensing movement the figure turned to see a man approaching.
“You’re late.” Said the angry voice of a woman.
“I had a hard time getting away.” The man responded coolly.
“Whatever. You’re here now so what news do you bring me?” the woman asked bluntly.
“Not good news. He plans to abduct you. It will happen by the end of the week. I want you to stay out of harms way.”
“You want me to hide like a coward while my people fight to protect me?” she demanded angrily.
“Yes. I don’t want anything to happen to you.”
“I will not hide. In fact I will probably be abducted but I will can find a way to use that to my advantage.” “How will you do that?” he asked skeptically.
“I do not know yet. I will meet with my followers.” She said standing up.
“You do that. I better get back before anyone notices I’m gone.” He said pulling her into his arms.
She stiffened in his arms and pulled away. “Go. I do not want you harmed because of me.” She said softly.
He gave her one last look before turning away. She watched as he walked down the road. She whispered softly into the night. “Be safe my love.” She stood there for a few minutes before realizing she still had so much to do. She had to get home quickly so she closed her eyes and wings sprouted from her back. She got smaller and turned into a hawk. She glided swiftly through the air. Within minutes she spotted her village below her and landed on the ground. Where the hawk had landed a sidhe girl was in its place. She was tall and beautiful with jet-black hair and almond shaped forest green eyes. She was still young being only about twenty years old. She walked quietly through the village until she reached a house. She knocked on the door twice and received three knocks back. The door opened and she came face to face with Karina’s relieved face. “Lady Alana. You have come back safely.”
“Of course I did. I do not have long since I have to get back to bed before I am missed. We need to have a meeting tomorrow. Can you tell everyone?” Alana said urgently.
“Yes. I will inform everyone in the morning.”
“Thank you Karina. Come and see me tomorrow?” Alana asked.
“I will. Get some sleep.” Karina ordered sweetly.
“I will. Good night Karina.” Alana said.
Karina nodded and went back to her room. Alana left Karina’s house and walked to the palace. It was about five miles from Karina’s house so she walked quickly. She passed house after house quietly. The houses were dark seeing as many were asleep this time of night. She finally reached the back of the castle walls and looked around. Seeing the guards sitting against the wall talking to each other she took a rope out of her bag. Tying the end in a knot she threw it around a branch of the tree that was there. She pulled it tight and started to climb the rope. Reaching the top of the branch she jumped to the wall and almost missed the ledge. Pulling herself up she swung her leg around and dropped to the other side. She snuck around and went in through the kitchen door since no one was in there at night. After a year of sneaking in she finally knew all the best ways to get in without being noticed. She ran up the stairs to her bedroom and entered. She quickly changed into her nightclothes and crawled into bed under her green blankets. She yawned and thought back to the day she had met Fox.
She had been walking through the forest anxious to get home. She kept glancing behind her to make sure the soldiers weren’t following her. Seeing something behind her but not sure what since it was far away she saw a large boulder and hid behind it. She stayed perfectly still and saw a soldier walking in her direction. She observed him and tried not to make a noise that would alert him to her presence. She felt a tickling sensation in her nose and realized she had to sneeze. She let out a loud sneeze and watched with dread as the man approached the boulder. She gasped as he pulled her to her feet and she looked at his face. He had jet-black hair that matched her own. The one thing that grabbed her attention was his eyes. They were a beautiful hazel color and she thought him to be the most handsome man she had ever seen. She tore her eyes away from his face and stared determinedly at the ground. She felt a blush creep up to her face and she bit her lip. “I have to go. I just wanted to make sure none of the other soldiers bothered you.” He had said softly.
She had been so surprised to hear him say that she had looked up with confusion evident on her face. “Excuse me?” she asked confused.
“The other soldiers wanted to come after you but I came instead. Make haste and hurry home.” He explained.
“Thank you. What is your name?” she asked.
“Your welcome. My names’ Fox.”
“My name’s Alana. Someday I will repay you for your good deed.” She said softly.
“Meet me here tomorrow.” Fox said.
“I will around midnight. Goodbye Fox.”
Alana shook her head to clear her thoughts. They had met a year ago. She had been to town doing some shopping. Since then she hadn’t risked going back and encouraged her people not to go. Not many listened to her since she was young. They didn’t think she knew what she was talking about. Yawning again she pulled her blanket up to her chin and fell asleep.
Fox returned to town just as Alana was falling asleep. It had taken longer to get home tonight because he was stopped by some of the other soldiers. Thankfully they had bought his story he was just taking a walk. He opened the door to his house and stepped inside. It was a fairly good-sized house. It had an empty feeling to it since he lived alone. He sighed and walked to his bedroom. He pulled the blanket over his head, falling asleep quickly. The next morning Fox woke up to a loud knocking on his door. He groaned and got out of bed. He opened the door and said, “What do you want?” very grumpily.
Lord Drake glared at him. “Watch your tone, Captain.” Drake sneered.
Fox looked at him. “Sorry sir, what do you need?” Fox asked.
“I came to ask where you were so late last night. Someone informed me you were coming back into town about one in the morning.” Drake said.
“Well, sir as I told the others I was taking a walk. And since I was off duty I don’t see why it’s anyone’s damn business.”
Drake smiled as Fox’s answer. “Good answer. I’ll see you later.”
Fox nodded and sighed with relief as he shut the door. Realizing he wouldn’t be able to sleep now he got dressed. He went to the merchant’s house that he had hired to make a ring. The merchant answered the door. “Fox, how nice to see you. You’ve come for the ring?” the merchant asked as he led Fox to the sitting room. “Yes, is it finished?” Fox asked sitting down.
“Of course. You sit here and I’ll go get it.” The merchant said scurrying out of the room. He returned minutes later with a small wooden box. He took the ring out and examined it. It was silver with butterflies engraved on it. He smiled and put it back in the box. “You did very well.” Fox complimented.
“Thank you. Come to me if you need anything else made.” The merchant said.
“I will.” Fox said getting up and leaving. Fox pocketed the box and went home. Inside he sat remembering their first arranged meeting.
Fox had gone back to the boulder that he had met Alana. He didn’t really expect her to show up. He sat down by the boulder and waited. He had been waiting for what had seemed like hours when he saw a cloaked figure approach. He stood up and reached for a dagger he always kept with him.
“Fox, it’s me Alana.” She spoke softly.
He relaxed his hand and replied. “I didn’t think you were coming.”
Well, I did. Why did you ask me to come here?” Alana asked sitting down near the boulder.
“To learn more about your people.” He answered sitting down next to her. They had sat for hours just talking before they both rushed back to their homes. They had made an agreement to meet again.
Fox heard more knocking at his door. He opened it up and inwardly groaned.
Alana got out of bed and looked around her room. She saw a quill and parchment lying on her desk. She wrote a quick note to Fox and folded it up. She left it lying on her desk. She trudged to the other side of the room to get dresses. She put on a simple blue dress and pulled her hair back into a bun. There was a knock on the bedroom door. “Come in.” she said. The door opened and her most loyal follower came in. “Lady Alana, your father wishes to see you in his study.” Serena said quietly.
“Very well. Has Karina talked to you?” Alana asked picking up the letter off the desk.
“Yes, she has. See you tonight at the usual place.” Serena replied.
“Could I ask you to do me a favor?”
“Of course Miss.”
“Can you deliver this letter to Fox?” Alana asked.
“Yes. You never have to ask.” Serena said.
“Thank you as always.” Alana said handing over the letter.
Serena nodded. “I shall be going now. Hurry to your father.” Serena said.
Alana watched as Serena left. She sighed and walked up the stairs to her father’s study and knocked on the door. “Come in.” Hawk said. She opened the door and went inside. “Morning father.” She said taking a seat on the floor next to him.
“Morning Lana.” Hawk said kissing the top of her head.
“Oh great. He’s got something to tell me. That’s the only time he calls me Lana.” Alana thought.
“Lana, you are coming of age to be married. I have been looking for a proper choice for a while now and I have finally found one.” Hawk said. Alana kept her face stoic as she answered.
“Who would that be?” Alana asked.
“The bravest warrior in the village. Osin.” Hawk said proudly.
Alana nodded. “May I go now father?” Alana asked.
“Yes. Dress for dinner accordingly for Osin is coming.” Hawk said.
Alana nodded her head and exited the study. She retreated to her room and sat on her bed reliving all the memories she had shared with Fox over the past year. Tears began to fall silently down her face. They fell down freely until there was another knock on her door. She quickly wiped away the tears. “Who is it?” she called through the door.
“It’s Serena.”
Alana got up and opened the door. She pulled Serena in and slammed the door shut again. Serena raised her eyebrows but didn’t say anything. Alana paced around the room thinking quickly. She abruptly stopped and turned to Serena. “Did you deliver the letter as I asked?”
“Yes, I did. What’s wrong Alana?” Serena questioned taking a seat on Alana’s bed. Alana took a seat next to her. “My father wanted me to know that I’m getting married.” Alana explained.
“Really? To who?” Serena asked excitedly.
Alana stared at her. “Osin.” She answered finally.
Serena looked absolutely excited to hear this. “That’s great. Why is that a problem for you?”
“Never mind. I’ll tell you tonight. I want some time to think before dinner. Thanks Serena.” Alana said.
Serena left the room and Alana took a book out of a drawer on her bedside table. She began to read, dreading dinner.
Fox got back from the meeting very tired. He went to his room and found a letter on his desk. He picked it up seeing it was from Alana.
Fox,
Thanks for warning me about the plans Drake has for me. I’m going to let myself be abducted. Promise me that under no circumstances that you will get involved. If you can get away tonight meet me. Same time, same place. If not I’ll see you another time.
Alana
He read over the note twice more and frowned. How could she do something as reckless as that? He sighed in defeat. He knew it would be pointless to try and talk her out of it. He would do as she asked, even if he didn’t want to. He crumpled up the note and threw it in the fireplace. Seeing it burn he turned around and left his house. He walked down the street to the local pub.
Done with half of the rewriting of this critique.
Does he at least look hot?
Eep! Well, I think Nate's playing around with the database, but the symbols actually mean something, honest. Maybe in a couple of hours, it'll look like something more legible. ^_^
Hehe thanks Snoink. I'm making the changes and once I get them all done I'll repost it. It's a bit hard to read all of the critiqe because of little symbols that are blocking some of the critique. Very thorough!
Yay! And this is where I get to say, “OMG, YOU USED THE NAME KARINA!” In that spelling. Which is obviously the coolest name in existence due to the fact that it is my name, which makes the story obviously rise in the awesomeness factor…
But enough about that!
Here’s the critique. Hopefully, by the time it’s done, you won’t want to eat my entrails or anything nasty like that, but who knows? Enjoy it, in any case!
The crunching of leaves broke the silence in the forest.
The hooded figure moved swiftly with a bag swinging at their side.
Suddenly they came to a spot and looked around.
Seeing nobody was there yet the person took a seat by a large boulder.
Sensing movement the figure turned to see a man approaching.
“Your late.” Said the angry voice of a woman.
“I had a hard time getting away.” The man responded cooly.
“Whatever. You’re here now so what news do you bring me?” the woman asked bluntly.
“Not good news. He plans to abduct you. It will happen by the end of the week. I want you to stay out of harms way.” He said.
“You want me to hide like a coward while my people fight to protect me?” she demanded angrily.
“Yes. I don’t want anything to happen to you.” He said.
“I will not hide. In fact I will probably be abducted but I will can find a way to use that to my advantage.” She said with a smirk.
“How will you do that?” he asked skeptically.
“I do not know yet. I will meet with my followers.” She said standing up.
“You do that. I better get back before anyone notices I’m gone.” He said pulling her into his arms.
She stiffened in his arms and pulled away. “Go. I do not want you harmed because of me.” She said softly.
He gave her one last look before turning away. She watched as he walked down the road. She whispered softly into the night. “Be safe my love.” She stood there for a few minutes before realizing she still had so much to do. She had to get home quickly so she closed her eyes and turned into a hawk. She glided swiftly through the air. Within minutes she spotted her village below her and landed on the ground. Where the hawk had landed a sidhe girl was in its place. She was tall and beautiful with jet-black hair and almond shaped forest green eyes. She was still young being only about twenty years old. She walked quietly through the village until she reached a house. She knocked on the door twice and received three knocks back. The door opened and she came face to face with Karina. “Lady Alana. You have come back safely.” Karina said with relief.
“Of course I did. I do not have long since I have to get back to bed before I am missed. We need to have a meeting tomorrow. Can you tell everyone?” Alana said urgently.
“Yes. I will inform everyone in the morning.”
“Thank you Karina. Come and see me tomorrow?” Alana asked.
“I will. Get some sleep.” Karina ordered sweetly.
“I will. Good night Karina.” Alana said.
Karina nodded and went back to her room. Alana left Karina’s house and walked to the palace. She snuck in the back way and hurried to her room. She quickly changed into her nightclothes and crawled into bed under her green blankets. She yawned and thought back to the day she had met Fox.
She had been walking through the forest anxious to get home. She kept glancing behind her to make sure the soldiers weren’t following her. Seeing something behind her but not sure what since it was far away she saw a large boulder and hid behind it. She stayed perfectly still and saw a soldier walking in her direction. She observed him and tried not to make a noise that would alert him to her presence. She felt a tickling sensation in her nose and realized she had to sneeze. She let out a loud sneeze and watched with dread as the man approached the boulder. She gasped as he pulled her to her feet and she at his face. He had jet-black hair that matched her own. The one thing that grabbed her attention was his eyes. They were a beautiful hazel color and she thought him to be the most handsome man she had ever seen. She tore her eyes away from his face and stared determinedly at the ground. She felt a blush creep up to her face and she bit her lip. “I have to go. I just wanted to make sure none of the other soldiers bothered you.” He had said softly. She had been so surprised to hear him say that she had looked up with confusion evident on her face. “Excuse me?” she asked confused.
“The other soldiers wanted to come after you but I came instead. Make haste and hurry home.” He explained.
“Thank you. What is your name?” she asked.
“Your welcome. My names’ Fox.”
“My name’s Alana. Someday I will repay you for your good deed.” She said softly.
“Meet me here tomorrow.” Fox said.
“I will around midnight. Goodbye Fox.”
Alana shook her head to clear her thoughts.
They had met a year ago. She had been to town doing some shopping. Since then she hadn’t risked going back and encouraged her people not to go. Not many listened to her since she was young. They didn’t think she knew what she was talking about. Yawning again she pulled her blanket up to her chin and fell asleep.
Thanks. I'm making the changes even if it's a little slowly. Thanks for the thorough critique it helped me spot some of the small mistakes I made. Like Cooly and Coolly. And it's helping alot to learn what I'm doing wrong.
“Your late.” Said the angry voice of a woman.
“I had a hard time getting away.” The man responded cooly.
“Whatever. You’re here now so what news do you bring me?” the woman asked bluntly.
“Not good news. He plans to abduct you. It will happen by the end of the week. I want you to stay out of harms way.” He said.
“You want me to hide like a coward while my people fight to protect me?” she demanded angrily.
“Yes. I don’t want anything to happen to you.” He said.
“I will not hide. In fact I will probably be abducted but I will can find a way to use that to my advantage.” She said with a smirk.
She glided swiftly through the air. Within minutes she spotted her village below her and landed on the ground. Where the hawk had landed a sidhe girl was in its place. She was tall and beautiful with jet-black hair and almond shaped forest green eyes. She was still young being only about twenty years old.
Karina nodded and went back to her room. Alana left Karina’s house and walked to the palace. She snuck in the back way and hurried to her room. She quickly changed into her nightclothes and crawled into bed under her green blankets. She yawned and thought back to the day she had met Fox.
She let out a loud sneeze and watched with dread as the man approached the boulder. She gasped as he pulled her to her feet and she at his face. He had jet-black hair that matched her own. The one thing that grabbed her attention was his eyes. They were a beautiful hazel color and she thought him to be the most handsome man she had ever seen. She tore her eyes away from his face and stared determinedly at the ground. She felt a blush creep up to her face and she bit her lip. “I have to go. I just wanted to make sure none of the other soldiers bothered you.” He had said softly. She had been so surprised to hear him say that she had looked up with confusion evident on her face. “Excuse me?” she asked confused.
“Of course. You sit here and I’ll go get it.” The merchant said scurrying out of the room. He returned minutes later with a small wooden box. He took the ring out and examined it. The ring was silver with butterflies engraved on it. He smiled and put it back in the box. “You did very well.” Fox complimented.
Fox had gone back to the boulder that he had met Alana. He didn’t really expect her to show up. He sat down by the boulder and waited. He had been waiting for what had seemed like hours when he saw a cloaked figure approach. He stood up and reached for a dagger he always kept with him. “Fox, it’s me Alana.” She spoke softly. He relaxed his hand and replied. “I didn’t think you were coming.”
”Well, I did. Why did you ask me to come here?” Alana asked sitting down near the boulder. “To learn more about your people.” He answered sitting down next to her. They had sat for hours just talking before they both rushed back to their homes. They had made an agreement to meet again.
Fox,
Thanks for warning me about the plans Drake has for me. I’m going to let myself be abducted. Promise me that under no circumstances that you will get involved. If you can get away tonight meet me. Same time, same place. If not I’ll see you another time.
Alana
Thanks. I'm going to make the changes. I'm not the best with grammar and when I read ‘The hooded figure moved swiftly with a bag swinging at their side' so it sounded a little funny to me. As soon as I figure out a way to say it correctly I'll change that too. This is really going to help me.
An interesting start to your story , this certainly has some potential, and I like the setting.
You have a problem with the formatting - I assume you used indents whilst writing this? They don’t show up on this site, so you have to put spaces in-between each paragraph (like this message). You could either do this manually, or if you’re lazy (like me ) and using Word, then press ctrl+f, select ‘replace’ and write ^p in the box that says ‘find what’ and ^p^p in the box that says ‘replace with’, and hit ‘replace all’.
Now, onto the actual critique . I’m not the best person at critiquing on this site, and what follows is only really my opinions:
‘The hooded figure moved swiftly with a bag swinging at their side.’
- Technically grammatically incorrect, as ‘their’ applies to a group of people, not to a person of unknown gender.
In the first conversation, I’d removed all the ‘he said’ ‘she smirked’ (etc) tags. You only need them for the first two lines, and after that we can tell who’s saying what. Only add them in it adds to the dialog in some way (eg. Telling us that the person screams), otherwise it just bogs down the conversation. The same applies to later conversations.
‘She had to get home quickly so she closed her eyes and turned into a hawk.’
- Ooh, hawk transformation . I’d say you could probably put a little more detail in this (eg. Describe the transformation).
‘The door opened and she came face to face with Karina. “Lady Alana. You have come back safely.” Karina said with relief.’
- The ‘Karain said with relief’ part isn’t really needed. If you wish to show Karina’s relief, than perhaps it’d be better to add that into the earlier part (‘she came face to face with Karina’).
‘She gasped as he pulled her to her feet and she at his face.’
- I think there’s a word missing from here.
‘Alana nodded her head and exited the study. She retreated to her room and sat on her bed reliving all the memories she had shared with Fox over the past year. Tears began to fall silently down her face. They fell down her face freely until there was another knock on her door. She quickly wiped the tears from her face. “Who is it?” she called through the door.’
- Repetition of the word ‘face’.
‘“It’s Serena.” Serena said through the door.’
- ‘Serena said through the door’ isn’t needed.
Keep on writing .
Points: 890
Reviews: 9
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