z

Young Writers Society



Untitled-Chapter 1

by DancingRain


Alright. I'm posting my first story on here. It's untitled right now so any title suggestions would be great. So what does everyone think?

**Sidhe is almost like an elf but sidhe is found in Irish Mythology.**

I just wanted to include this so that everyone knows what it is. Thanks for pointing that out to me Myth.

Chapter 1

The crunching of leaves broke the silence in the forest. The hooded figure moved swiftly with a bag swinging at the side. Suddenly they came to a spot and looked around. Seeing nobody was there yet the person took a seat by a large boulder. Sensing movement the figure turned to see a man approaching.

“You’re late.” Said the angry voice of a woman.

“I had a hard time getting away.” The man responded coolly.

“Whatever. You’re here now so what news do you bring me?” the woman asked bluntly.

“Not good news. He plans to abduct you. It will happen by the end of the week. I want you to stay out of harms way.”

“You want me to hide like a coward while my people fight to protect me?” she demanded angrily.

“Yes. I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

“I will not hide. In fact I will probably be abducted but I will can find a way to use that to my advantage.” “How will you do that?” he asked skeptically.

“I do not know yet. I will meet with my followers.” She said standing up.

“You do that. I better get back before anyone notices I’m gone.” He said pulling her into his arms.

She stiffened in his arms and pulled away. “Go. I do not want you harmed because of me.” She said softly.

He gave her one last look before turning away. She watched as he walked down the road. She whispered softly into the night. “Be safe my love.” She stood there for a few minutes before realizing she still had so much to do. She had to get home quickly so she closed her eyes and wings sprouted from her back. She got smaller and turned into a hawk. She glided swiftly through the air. Within minutes she spotted her village below her and landed on the ground. Where the hawk had landed a sidhe girl was in its place. She was tall and beautiful with jet-black hair and almond shaped forest green eyes. She was still young being only about twenty years old. She walked quietly through the village until she reached a house. She knocked on the door twice and received three knocks back. The door opened and she came face to face with Karina’s relieved face. “Lady Alana. You have come back safely.”

“Of course I did. I do not have long since I have to get back to bed before I am missed. We need to have a meeting tomorrow. Can you tell everyone?” Alana said urgently.

“Yes. I will inform everyone in the morning.”

“Thank you Karina. Come and see me tomorrow?” Alana asked.

“I will. Get some sleep.” Karina ordered sweetly.

“I will. Good night Karina.” Alana said.

Karina nodded and went back to her room. Alana left Karina’s house and walked to the palace. It was about five miles from Karina’s house so she walked quickly. She passed house after house quietly. The houses were dark seeing as many were asleep this time of night. She finally reached the back of the castle walls and looked around. Seeing the guards sitting against the wall talking to each other she took a rope out of her bag. Tying the end in a knot she threw it around a branch of the tree that was there. She pulled it tight and started to climb the rope. Reaching the top of the branch she jumped to the wall and almost missed the ledge. Pulling herself up she swung her leg around and dropped to the other side. She snuck around and went in through the kitchen door since no one was in there at night. After a year of sneaking in she finally knew all the best ways to get in without being noticed. She ran up the stairs to her bedroom and entered. She quickly changed into her nightclothes and crawled into bed under her green blankets. She yawned and thought back to the day she had met Fox.

She had been walking through the forest anxious to get home. She kept glancing behind her to make sure the soldiers weren’t following her. Seeing something behind her but not sure what since it was far away she saw a large boulder and hid behind it. She stayed perfectly still and saw a soldier walking in her direction. She observed him and tried not to make a noise that would alert him to her presence. She felt a tickling sensation in her nose and realized she had to sneeze. She let out a loud sneeze and watched with dread as the man approached the boulder. She gasped as he pulled her to her feet and she looked at his face. He had jet-black hair that matched her own. The one thing that grabbed her attention was his eyes. They were a beautiful hazel color and she thought him to be the most handsome man she had ever seen. She tore her eyes away from his face and stared determinedly at the ground. She felt a blush creep up to her face and she bit her lip. “I have to go. I just wanted to make sure none of the other soldiers bothered you.” He had said softly.

She had been so surprised to hear him say that she had looked up with confusion evident on her face. “Excuse me?” she asked confused.

“The other soldiers wanted to come after you but I came instead. Make haste and hurry home.” He explained.

“Thank you. What is your name?” she asked.

“Your welcome. My names’ Fox.”

“My name’s Alana. Someday I will repay you for your good deed.” She said softly.

“Meet me here tomorrow.” Fox said.

“I will around midnight. Goodbye Fox.”

Alana shook her head to clear her thoughts. They had met a year ago. She had been to town doing some shopping. Since then she hadn’t risked going back and encouraged her people not to go. Not many listened to her since she was young. They didn’t think she knew what she was talking about. Yawning again she pulled her blanket up to her chin and fell asleep.

Fox returned to town just as Alana was falling asleep. It had taken longer to get home tonight because he was stopped by some of the other soldiers. Thankfully they had bought his story he was just taking a walk. He opened the door to his house and stepped inside. It was a fairly good-sized house. It had an empty feeling to it since he lived alone. He sighed and walked to his bedroom. He pulled the blanket over his head, falling asleep quickly. The next morning Fox woke up to a loud knocking on his door. He groaned and got out of bed. He opened the door and said, “What do you want?” very grumpily.

Lord Drake glared at him. “Watch your tone, Captain.” Drake sneered.

Fox looked at him. “Sorry sir, what do you need?” Fox asked.

“I came to ask where you were so late last night. Someone informed me you were coming back into town about one in the morning.” Drake said.

“Well, sir as I told the others I was taking a walk. And since I was off duty I don’t see why it’s anyone’s damn business.”

Drake smiled as Fox’s answer. “Good answer. I’ll see you later.”

Fox nodded and sighed with relief as he shut the door. Realizing he wouldn’t be able to sleep now he got dressed. He went to the merchant’s house that he had hired to make a ring. The merchant answered the door. “Fox, how nice to see you. You’ve come for the ring?” the merchant asked as he led Fox to the sitting room. “Yes, is it finished?” Fox asked sitting down.

“Of course. You sit here and I’ll go get it.” The merchant said scurrying out of the room. He returned minutes later with a small wooden box. He took the ring out and examined it. It was silver with butterflies engraved on it. He smiled and put it back in the box. “You did very well.” Fox complimented.

“Thank you. Come to me if you need anything else made.” The merchant said.

“I will.” Fox said getting up and leaving. Fox pocketed the box and went home. Inside he sat remembering their first arranged meeting.

Fox had gone back to the boulder that he had met Alana. He didn’t really expect her to show up. He sat down by the boulder and waited. He had been waiting for what had seemed like hours when he saw a cloaked figure approach. He stood up and reached for a dagger he always kept with him.

“Fox, it’s me Alana.” She spoke softly.

He relaxed his hand and replied. “I didn’t think you were coming.”

Well, I did. Why did you ask me to come here?” Alana asked sitting down near the boulder.

“To learn more about your people.” He answered sitting down next to her. They had sat for hours just talking before they both rushed back to their homes. They had made an agreement to meet again.

Fox heard more knocking at his door. He opened it up and inwardly groaned.

Alana got out of bed and looked around her room. She saw a quill and parchment lying on her desk. She wrote a quick note to Fox and folded it up. She left it lying on her desk. She trudged to the other side of the room to get dresses. She put on a simple blue dress and pulled her hair back into a bun. There was a knock on the bedroom door. “Come in.” she said. The door opened and her most loyal follower came in. “Lady Alana, your father wishes to see you in his study.” Serena said quietly.

“Very well. Has Karina talked to you?” Alana asked picking up the letter off the desk.

“Yes, she has. See you tonight at the usual place.” Serena replied.

“Could I ask you to do me a favor?”

“Of course Miss.”

“Can you deliver this letter to Fox?” Alana asked.

“Yes. You never have to ask.” Serena said.

“Thank you as always.” Alana said handing over the letter.

Serena nodded. “I shall be going now. Hurry to your father.” Serena said.

Alana watched as Serena left. She sighed and walked up the stairs to her father’s study and knocked on the door. “Come in.” Hawk said. She opened the door and went inside. “Morning father.” She said taking a seat on the floor next to him.

“Morning Lana.” Hawk said kissing the top of her head.

“Oh great. He’s got something to tell me. That’s the only time he calls me Lana.” Alana thought.

“Lana, you are coming of age to be married. I have been looking for a proper choice for a while now and I have finally found one.” Hawk said. Alana kept her face stoic as she answered.

“Who would that be?” Alana asked.

“The bravest warrior in the village. Osin.” Hawk said proudly.

Alana nodded. “May I go now father?” Alana asked.

“Yes. Dress for dinner accordingly for Osin is coming.” Hawk said.

Alana nodded her head and exited the study. She retreated to her room and sat on her bed reliving all the memories she had shared with Fox over the past year. Tears began to fall silently down her face. They fell down freely until there was another knock on her door. She quickly wiped away the tears. “Who is it?” she called through the door.

“It’s Serena.”

Alana got up and opened the door. She pulled Serena in and slammed the door shut again. Serena raised her eyebrows but didn’t say anything. Alana paced around the room thinking quickly. She abruptly stopped and turned to Serena. “Did you deliver the letter as I asked?”

“Yes, I did. What’s wrong Alana?” Serena questioned taking a seat on Alana’s bed. Alana took a seat next to her. “My father wanted me to know that I’m getting married.” Alana explained.

“Really? To who?” Serena asked excitedly.

Alana stared at her. “Osin.” She answered finally.

Serena looked absolutely excited to hear this. “That’s great. Why is that a problem for you?”

“Never mind. I’ll tell you tonight. I want some time to think before dinner. Thanks Serena.” Alana said.

Serena left the room and Alana took a book out of a drawer on her bedside table. She began to read, dreading dinner.

Fox got back from the meeting very tired. He went to his room and found a letter on his desk. He picked it up seeing it was from Alana.

Fox,

Thanks for warning me about the plans Drake has for me. I’m going to let myself be abducted. Promise me that under no circumstances that you will get involved. If you can get away tonight meet me. Same time, same place. If not I’ll see you another time.

Alana

He read over the note twice more and frowned. How could she do something as reckless as that? He sighed in defeat. He knew it would be pointless to try and talk her out of it. He would do as she asked, even if he didn’t want to. He crumpled up the note and threw it in the fireplace. Seeing it burn he turned around and left his house. He walked down the street to the local pub.


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Sat Sep 16, 2006 1:08 am
DancingRain says...



Done with half of the rewriting of this critique.

Does he at least look hot?


I'm a little biased about him being hot because I based his description off my boyfriend. :oops:




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Thu Sep 14, 2006 11:08 pm
Snoink says...



Eep! Well, I think Nate's playing around with the database, but the symbols actually mean something, honest. Maybe in a couple of hours, it'll look like something more legible. ^_^




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Thu Sep 14, 2006 10:39 pm
DancingRain says...



Hehe thanks Snoink. I'm making the changes and once I get them all done I'll repost it. It's a bit hard to read all of the critiqe because of little symbols that are blocking some of the critique. Very thorough! :D




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Thu Sep 14, 2006 5:38 am
Snoink wrote a review...



Yay! And this is where I get to say, “OMG, YOU USED THE NAME KARINA!” In that spelling. Which is obviously the coolest name in existence due to the fact that it is my name, which makes the story obviously rise in the awesomeness factor…

But enough about that!

Here’s the critique. Hopefully, by the time it’s done, you won’t want to eat my entrails or anything nasty like that, but who knows? :D Enjoy it, in any case!

The crunching of leaves broke the silence in the forest.


Perhaps I’m weird or something, but unless the first sentence involves the character in some form or another, I don’t get hooked. I mean, it’s sort of like, “It was a dark and stormy night.” So yeah… there’s crunching of leaves, but why should I care?

It’s probably just me though… I am notoriously picky on what I read, LOL.

The hooded figure moved swiftly with a bag swinging at their side.


Hehehe! This isn’t quite grammatically correct. That is, you have the hooded figure, one person, and then a bag swinging at their side, which implies more than one person. You don’t have to give away the gender quite yet. Instead, you can say, “The hooded figure moved swiftly with a bag swinging at its side.”

Suddenly they came to a spot and looked around.


They? I thought you only said there was one person hanging around…

You might want to use another word. It, perhaps? Since you haven’t specified a gender or even a species, it’s a little trickier to describe it. All we know is it is a figure that can be hooded. If I were writing this, I would probably skip out on the hooded figure thing and start with another scene. Maybe someone putting on the cloak? Something like that.

Seeing nobody was there yet the person took a seat by a large boulder.


Okay, this is just a little nitpicky thing, but there’s a missing comma. So it should be:

Seeing nobody was there yet, the person took a seat by a large boulder.

And I would probably get rid of “yet” just because it looks weird.

Sensing movement the figure turned to see a man approaching.


This is your second sentence with a “ing” verb and your third sentence that starts with an ess sound. So you might want to change the first word.

“Your late.” Said the angry voice of a woman.


The grammar is slightly off. First of all, it’s “you’re” but I think you might have fixed that already. ;) The second thing is that the sentence doesn’t end with the dialogue, believe it or not! It ends with the “said” stuff. So you would actually write:

“You’re late,” said the angry voice of a woman.

So when you look at your favorite books, you’ll see this pattern throughout. ^_^

“I had a hard time getting away.” The man responded cooly.


And the same goes for here too! So it would be:

“I had a hard time getting away,” the man responded coolly.

“Whatever. You’re here now so what news do you bring me?” the woman asked bluntly.


Aha! This was written correctly and has beautiful grammar! *huggles*

…and yet I’m going to comment on it. How sucky is that? :P

You use way too much adverbs though. An adverb is something with –ly at the end. When you describe dialogue, you don’t want to just describe how they say it with an adverb. You want to create a visual picture of what the character is doing when she’s saying it. Is she fiddling with a strand of hair? Is her face calm and unmovable? Describe!

“Not good news. He plans to abduct you. It will happen by the end of the week. I want you to stay out of harms way.” He said.


Yeah… the grammar thingy I addressed above applies here as well. But! This is powerful dialogue, and as such, we need sweet details! What is he doing? Is he nervous about telling her this? Apologetic? What is he doing to betray these emotions? Maybe he’s shuffling around. Or maybe he’s staring at her face. I don’t know, but you have to describe here! It’s much to dramatic for you not to. :)

“You want me to hide like a coward while my people fight to protect me?” she demanded angrily.


More description of her facial features, body posture, and everything else would be wonderful here. This is dramatic dialogue. Now you just have to support it. :)

“Yes. I don’t want anything to happen to you.” He said.


Why doesn’t he want anything to happen to her? Is he being tender? We need to see what he looks like in our mind! You must describe this dramatic situation! :D

“I will not hide. In fact I will probably be abducted but I will can find a way to use that to my advantage.” She said with a smirk.


What she says is a little cumbersome. It sounds weird when it’s said out loud. An “I’ll think of something” would probably be better, in this case. Simple, but dialogue is usually simple in real life, and you are imitating reality.

“How will you do that?” he asked skeptically.


Must… have… descriptions… *flails*

Does he at least look hot?

“I do not know yet. I will meet with my followers.” She said standing up.


She has a very… um… pompous tone to her speech. Is this intentional?

“You do that. I better get back before anyone notices I’m gone.” He said pulling her into his arms.


Oh… you GOTTA be more romantic than that. It’s not just him randomly hugging her. He is pulling her into his arms. How? Does he hold her wrists, ever so slightly, and draw her in, his hand creeping up her spine? Be dramatic! This is a dramatic scene, and as such, you can be creative. :)

She stiffened in his arms and pulled away. “Go. I do not want you harmed because of me.” She said softly.


Is she pulling away because she is uncomfortable with him there or is she pulling away because she genuinely cares for him? See? His descriptions would have answered this question. You need to describe. You have fantastic dialogue and not much supporting it. :P

He gave her one last look before turning away. She watched as he walked down the road. She whispered softly into the night. “Be safe my love.” She stood there for a few minutes before realizing she still had so much to do. She had to get home quickly so she closed her eyes and turned into a hawk. She glided swiftly through the air. Within minutes she spotted her village below her and landed on the ground. Where the hawk had landed a sidhe girl was in its place. She was tall and beautiful with jet-black hair and almond shaped forest green eyes. She was still young being only about twenty years old. She walked quietly through the village until she reached a house. She knocked on the door twice and received three knocks back. The door opened and she came face to face with Karina. “Lady Alana. You have come back safely.” Karina said with relief.


Eeep! This is way too long! The paragraph that is. You basically have four paragraphs basically. Her saying goodbye, her turning into a hawk, her physical description, and then her walking through the streets. Lots of stuff crammed into one single paragraph! So separate it. And the transformation of her turning into a hawk is kind of not as dramatic as it could be. And since I love dramatic stuff, I’ll poke you with a pencil. Or something. :)

“Of course I did. I do not have long since I have to get back to bed before I am missed. We need to have a meeting tomorrow. Can you tell everyone?” Alana said urgently.


Grr… I don’t like the way she talks. She just sounds so grating… I don’t like her. Why doesn’t she ever say the word “don’t”? It’s unnatural!

“Yes. I will inform everyone in the morning.”


Why should Alana trust her? Is there something about Karina’s demeanor that makes Alana at ease? What is their relationship with each other?

“Thank you Karina. Come and see me tomorrow?” Alana asked.
“I will. Get some sleep.” Karina ordered sweetly.
“I will. Good night Karina.” Alana said.


It’s good dialogue and you need to expand on it! What are they doing? Describe! :D

Karina nodded and went back to her room. Alana left Karina’s house and walked to the palace. She snuck in the back way and hurried to her room. She quickly changed into her nightclothes and crawled into bed under her green blankets. She yawned and thought back to the day she had met Fox.


I don’t know… the transition seems kind of awkward. The verb forms are so similar to each other that it sounds monotonous. She did this… she did that… it might be nice to see something like, oh I don’t know:

Karina nodded and went back to her room. Alana paused before leaving Karina’s house, going back into the night. She snuck into the palace using the back way and hurried to her room. In a minute, she had changed into her nightclothes and crawled into bed under thick green blankets. She yawned, her eyelids closing, but she couldn’t sleep. A gentle hissing from the heater reminded her of wind wafting through the trees. She smiled and thought back to the day she had met Fox.

That has more description and though it’s longer, it gives you a clearer idea of what happens. The verb forms have been altered so they’re more interesting to read. Instead of “she did this” there’s plenty of other of things happening, giving the illusion of movement. Also, I changed some of the descriptions. Instead of using the word “quickly” I changed it to “in a minute” which is more precise and gives us a better mental image. Her blankets have been changed to thick blankets, since we can already guess that the blankets are hers since they are in her room.

Plus, she’s not just suddenly thinking of Fox. There’s a reason why she thinks of Fox, and that’s important. People don’t just have random thoughts and usually something reminds them of something else, especially if it’s a story like this.

She had been walking through the forest anxious to get home. She kept glancing behind her to make sure the soldiers weren’t following her. Seeing something behind her but not sure what since it was far away she saw a large boulder and hid behind it. She stayed perfectly still and saw a soldier walking in her direction. She observed him and tried not to make a noise that would alert him to her presence. She felt a tickling sensation in her nose and realized she had to sneeze. She let out a loud sneeze and watched with dread as the man approached the boulder. She gasped as he pulled her to her feet and she at his face. He had jet-black hair that matched her own. The one thing that grabbed her attention was his eyes. They were a beautiful hazel color and she thought him to be the most handsome man she had ever seen. She tore her eyes away from his face and stared determinedly at the ground. She felt a blush creep up to her face and she bit her lip. “I have to go. I just wanted to make sure none of the other soldiers bothered you.” He had said softly. She had been so surprised to hear him say that she had looked up with confusion evident on her face. “Excuse me?” she asked confused.
“The other soldiers wanted to come after you but I came instead. Make haste and hurry home.” He explained.
“Thank you. What is your name?” she asked.
“Your welcome. My names’ Fox.”
“My name’s Alana. Someday I will repay you for your good deed.” She said softly.
“Meet me here tomorrow.” Fox said.
“I will around midnight. Goodbye Fox.”


This is a little out of place. I don’t think you need a whole flashback about how she met Fox. The important thing is that he helped her out when she needed it and she likes him, partly because he’s handsome and partly because he’s helpful. The combination? Yay-ness! But you don’t have to devote an entire flashback scene! A narrative, in this case, would be nice.

So basically she remembers him in the now. It’s not a flashback, but she remembers what he did and why she liked him. Like…

He was the most amazing man she had ever seen. Handsome, brave… and who could forget the first time he helped her? She was being pursued by soldiers and had hidden in the boulders, trying not to make a sound. One of the soldiers, the most handsome one, was near her, and, though she had tried not to, her nose tickled and she sneezed. It was with dread when he came over to her. But instead of arresting her, he spoke to her calmly and…

I don’t know. That’s actually pretty crappy. But that’s the general idea. So play with it a little more and see what you could come up with.

Alana shook her head to clear her thoughts.


And that is why flashbacks are evil. The transitioning between scenes is tricky to do. That’s why we love narratives.

They had met a year ago. She had been to town doing some shopping. Since then she hadn’t risked going back and encouraged her people not to go. Not many listened to her since she was young. They didn’t think she knew what she was talking about. Yawning again she pulled her blanket up to her chin and fell asleep.


Er… then why is she in a leadership position if nobody will listen to her? A leader is only a leader if people follow him. Or her, in this case. ;)

EEP! Six pages already! I think I’ll post this and then do the rest later, okay? ^_^




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Fri Sep 08, 2006 9:00 am
Myth says...



You're welcome. If you re-post be sure to let me know. :D




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Thu Sep 07, 2006 8:30 pm
DancingRain says...



Thanks. I'm making the changes even if it's a little slowly. Thanks for the thorough critique it helped me spot some of the small mistakes I made. Like Cooly and Coolly. And it's helping alot to learn what I'm doing wrong. :)




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Thu Sep 07, 2006 11:12 am
Myth wrote a review...



“Your late.” Said the angry voice of a woman.


You’re late.

“I had a hard time getting away.” The man responded cooly.


I think you meant ‘coolly’.

“Whatever. You’re here now so what news do you bring me?” the woman asked bluntly.

“Not good news. He plans to abduct you. It will happen by the end of the week. I want you to stay out of harms way.” He said.

“You want me to hide like a coward while my people fight to protect me?” she demanded angrily.

“Yes. I don’t want anything to happen to you.” He said.


The woman seems to have emotions with her word but the man just says things. Give him a little more action. Is he merely sitting there or is worrying creeping up to him?

“I will not hide. In fact I will probably be abducted but I will can find a way to use that to my advantage.” She said with a smirk.


... will can ... Which one are you going to use?

She glided swiftly through the air. Within minutes she spotted her village below her and landed on the ground. Where the hawk had landed a sidhe girl was in its place. She was tall and beautiful with jet-black hair and almond shaped forest green eyes. She was still young being only about twenty years old.


You introduced a ‘sidhe’ girl. That’s a kind of mythical creature right? Maybe you can add that information in or readers may not know what it is.

Karina nodded and went back to her room. Alana left Karina’s house and walked to the palace. She snuck in the back way and hurried to her room. She quickly changed into her nightclothes and crawled into bed under her green blankets. She yawned and thought back to the day she had met Fox.


Describe the journey to the palace. It’s not exactly close to Karina’s house is it? And how does she get into the palace, not just the back way as I am sure there would be security and high walls.

She let out a loud sneeze and watched with dread as the man approached the boulder. She gasped as he pulled her to her feet and she at his face. He had jet-black hair that matched her own. The one thing that grabbed her attention was his eyes. They were a beautiful hazel color and she thought him to be the most handsome man she had ever seen. She tore her eyes away from his face and stared determinedly at the ground. She felt a blush creep up to her face and she bit her lip. “I have to go. I just wanted to make sure none of the other soldiers bothered you.” He had said softly. She had been so surprised to hear him say that she had looked up with confusion evident on her face. “Excuse me?” she asked confused.


Split the paragraph when different characters speak.

“Of course. You sit here and I’ll go get it.” The merchant said scurrying out of the room. He returned minutes later with a small wooden box. He took the ring out and examined it. The ring was silver with butterflies engraved on it. He smiled and put it back in the box. “You did very well.” Fox complimented.


Repetition of ‘the ring’.

Fox had gone back to the boulder that he had met Alana. He didn’t really expect her to show up. He sat down by the boulder and waited. He had been waiting for what had seemed like hours when he saw a cloaked figure approach. He stood up and reached for a dagger he always kept with him. “Fox, it’s me Alana.” She spoke softly. He relaxed his hand and replied. “I didn’t think you were coming.”
”Well, I did. Why did you ask me to come here?” Alana asked sitting down near the boulder. “To learn more about your people.” He answered sitting down next to her. They had sat for hours just talking before they both rushed back to their homes. They had made an agreement to meet again.


Again your dialogues run into each other and it is difficult to understand who says what.

Fox,
Thanks for warning me about the plans Drake has for me. I’m going to let myself be abducted. Promise me that under no circumstances that you will get involved. If you can get away tonight meet me. Same time, same place. If not I’ll see you another time.
Alana


Use italics for the letter.

This can be improved when changes are made.

So far the conversations aren't really interesting me, they are a bit bland. The characters show no emotions towards each other, by having personal feelings in italics the reader can get to know a little more about them and what thoughts are in their minds.

I am confused to why soldiers keep looking for Alana and no explanation is given (if I've missed it, I apologise).

So far I'm liking Alana for wanting to get abducted than marry someone she does not know/despises(?)




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Wed Sep 06, 2006 11:40 pm
DancingRain says...



Thanks. I'm going to make the changes. I'm not the best with grammar and when I read ‘The hooded figure moved swiftly with a bag swinging at their side' so it sounded a little funny to me. As soon as I figure out a way to say it correctly I'll change that too. This is really going to help me. :)




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Wed Sep 06, 2006 10:42 pm
Sureal wrote a review...



An interesting start to your story :), this certainly has some potential, and I like the setting.

You have a problem with the formatting - I assume you used indents whilst writing this? They don’t show up on this site, so you have to put spaces in-between each paragraph (like this message). You could either do this manually, or if you’re lazy (like me ;)) and using Word, then press ctrl+f, select ‘replace’ and write ^p in the box that says ‘find what’ and ^p^p in the box that says ‘replace with’, and hit ‘replace all’.


Now, onto the actual critique :). I’m not the best person at critiquing on this site, and what follows is only really my opinions:


‘The hooded figure moved swiftly with a bag swinging at their side.’
- Technically grammatically incorrect, as ‘their’ applies to a group of people, not to a person of unknown gender.

In the first conversation, I’d removed all the ‘he said’ ‘she smirked’ (etc) tags. You only need them for the first two lines, and after that we can tell who’s saying what. Only add them in it adds to the dialog in some way (eg. Telling us that the person screams), otherwise it just bogs down the conversation. The same applies to later conversations.

‘She had to get home quickly so she closed her eyes and turned into a hawk.’
- Ooh, hawk transformation :). I’d say you could probably put a little more detail in this (eg. Describe the transformation).

‘The door opened and she came face to face with Karina. “Lady Alana. You have come back safely.” Karina said with relief.’
- The ‘Karain said with relief’ part isn’t really needed. If you wish to show Karina’s relief, than perhaps it’d be better to add that into the earlier part (‘she came face to face with Karina’).

‘She gasped as he pulled her to her feet and she at his face.’
- I think there’s a word missing from here.

‘Alana nodded her head and exited the study. She retreated to her room and sat on her bed reliving all the memories she had shared with Fox over the past year. Tears began to fall silently down her face. They fell down her face freely until there was another knock on her door. She quickly wiped the tears from her face. “Who is it?” she called through the door.’
- Repetition of the word ‘face’.

‘“It’s Serena.” Serena said through the door.’
- ‘Serena said through the door’ isn’t needed.


Keep on writing :).





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