Published June 3, 2013
Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
I woke with sun streaming in my eyes. How long had I been out for and why did my hands burn and sting so badly? “Come on Yuki, wake up please you’ve scared us enough … Oh God please wake up!” Tess’s voice was now filled with tears and pain. Why does he sound that way? My voice sounds like a machine in need of a ton of oil, “I’m ok, but what happened and why do I hurt so badly?” I ask this as I sit up and look down at myself. My arms, from palm to elbow, are wrapped in thick bandages. Faulk is the one who answered, ”Well when you fainted black smoke surrounded Tess and you and when it cleared all your skin that wasn’t covered by cloth ,besides your fingers and faces, were covered in burns and cuts.” ‘I wanted to know why I had blacked out. What was up with this school, and why did I feel it was because of me meeting that boy Tess?’
I had just been pulled to my feet when I heard more screaming. (>.> so much damn screaming) ‘What was happening at this school? ’ This thought ran through my head as I was yanked up and forward. ”Quick! We have to run, “a small girl screamed and kept pulling me. “Come we have to get inside before the drones get us!” The girl who pulled me was much smaller than me yet so strong, we were almost to the door when a drone, a big and kind of flat bot, dropped between me and that damn door.
*IN ANOTHER WORLD*
I awoke, (again why the hell do I keep waking up, I must have some problem) only this time I seemed to be floating in a strange liquid yet, like in space at the same time. No gravity.
“Well look who’s finally waking up.” the woman’s voice was light and airy, but her image was unknown for I couldn’t see her through the stuff that cradled me in its arms. She was speaking again. ”Let’s get you out of the healing / Specimen tank.”
O.O I’m in a what!!!
“QUICK! Sedate her! She’s going to hurt herself thrashing about in the tank like that DON! MARK!” the doctor yelled. They did as she said and moments later my arms and legs became too heavy to lift or move.
Darkness surrounded me, then cool air incased my bruised and battered body. What had they done to me and why did I feel as if I had been run over by two city busses then sat on by a rhino?
My arms and legs are strapped down and I’m set on a bed with bone white sheets that slowly tinted grey from the liquid that rolled from my skin. “Where am I and who are you?” the words burst from my lips before I could stop them, my voice sounded too high to clear. The woman was the first to speak. “You are in Roxland, the land of your birth. You are the next in line for the thrown.” Her word rung in my ears, but I said nothing I only laid there looking as if I would suddenly heave my last breath.
After an hour or so I began to move and try to work my bonds off my wrists. Two men in glittering blue coats walked into the room that was my cell. Before I could think words began to spill from my mouth at a speed I never knew I could speak. “Why am I here? My parents are both at work! My fathers a lawyer and my mother is a writer.” I pause and take a deep breath then continue. “I’m just a normal kid, nothing special. You have the wrong girl.” I force myself to stop and close my eyes, taking another deep breath to calm my racing mind. ‘I know this might just be one of those nightmares I have every once in a while. If I pinch myself I should wake up I always do in a dream like this.’ This was my thought until I could feel the pain of my pinch and cried out. “No! This can’t be real! It can’t be!” I screamed and thrashed about till I had tired myself out to the point of passing out. I could do nothing more than lay there and wish I was home.
*With Tess*
‘Where is she? She was just here, I saw her!’ These thoughts ran through my head as I search for Yuki. “It’s no use Tess, she’s not here. She’s gone like Marley.” The girl beside me said. “No! I will find her, Nigeri! I can still feel her.” I started down the hallway again only this time I did not see the school I saw another world. Nigeri stood there, taken aback at my tone. I had never once in her life raised my voice at her like he just had. She ground her teeth and yelled at my receding form,” Fine, find that stupid girl by yourself if she’s so important!” she then stomped away in the opposite direction. ‘Why do girls have to be so temperamental? I mean come on. If only she understood that Yuki was my pissing piece, my light.’ The thought of my light being found made me stop and think; where could she be? I could still feel the feel of her lips on mine. So soft and warm unlike the other girls I had ever kissed. “Where are you beautiful? Please be safe and out of harm’s way.” With that said I turned my face to the sky and let the warm wind carry my message to where ever she was.
The wind cannot be touched, tasted, seen or caught; but it can bring answers to the one it is meant for.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,288 Literary Works • 674,333 Reviews
Wow, another excellent chapter. This still left me with a ton of questions, just like the last chapter. Although you answered my previous question, now I am stuck wondering, much like our main character, what the heck has just happened? But this is a good confusion because it makes me want to read more. You have successfully left suspense throughout the ending of your chapters.
Now, again, grammar and English errors, but still simple fixes. My main comment about this piece is that you use emote faces like O.O and >.> These are no-no's. You don't use these when writing novels, so get them out. I know you are trying to express emotions when you do this, but instead, use words. Take us into her mind and express those feelings through your words. Describe her surroundings, tell us how she feels, what she is thinking. This is how you will gain the readers attention, but not through the faces you have in here.
Another point, you have some places where you write the character's thoughts in parentheses. This is also a no-no. Instead, if you are writing her thoughts, then either italicize them or simply write them. Depending on the point of view, the style of writing these thoughts changes. But writing them in parentheses is not the answer.
Overall, another wonderful chapter to this story. I am dying to read more, so definitely write some more for us. Good job, keep going!
Hi! Just a quick review...
I was extremely confused reading this. I read chapter one, and then this one... but I still am not quite sure who all these people are, and whats going on. The action happens a little quickly, and the scenes are not described to the extent that I can understand the jump from place to place etc. Also, who are these people exactly? If there relationships were talked about a bit more in detail, like who is friends with who, who has a crush on who etc. that would really help.
There were some grammar mistakes, but I'm hoping that this will be revised, so I won't point them out... if you do fix some of the confusion stuff, let me know, I'd be glad to go through and edit it! I like this idea you've got, and the whole next in line to the throne thing got me intrigued. I hope that I don't sound too much like a jerk here haha, I really did like it, but it needs some work. :/
Let me know if you've got questions!
~*Hope
Hullo!
Yes, I did read Chapter One before this, and now I'm here to review Chapter Two!
First, the plot, setting and characters are pretty original and that's good. But they could be made even better by taking some time to add a little more description about the events taking place and the people involved in them. The reader will be able to get a better image that way. ^_^ I think you've got the hang of expressing your characters' emotions and using exaggeration, so good job with that. There were several occasions where the time tense was switched between present and past tense, and also a confusion (though understandable if read a few times over) with the narrator's point of view. It started out as first-person (I, me, my) then switched to third-person (he, she, it) and back to first. Something like that.
Well I believe this story really has potential, and through effort, creativity, much reviewing, and your own imagination it can become even more enjoyable and interesting (and correctly written) than it is now. I hope it wasn't too critical, ahaha...
Great job so far, keep writing! :3
Thank you for pointing that out.I never would have noticed that I have changed POV.
This is great!