The day I first met you is possibly the only day I would want to revisit and relive. That day was one of the best days of my life. I had been in a dark time, but that’s another story. This is the story of when I met you.
That day started out very dark, my best friend had just been snatched away from me. Walking down that congested hallway to class was when you appeared, a light in a world of darkness. Colors started taking the place of grays, black and white. I never looked you in the eye, but I could feel yours on me. At first I thought you were thinking the same thing everyone else did, “She’s a freak, strange, she doesn’t belong, an Outcast. “But something told me I was wrong. You sat two seats behind me and drew your first day there in class. Every once in a while I would look over my shoulder and could see your eyes looking at me. Just then the bell rang; you shot up the row as if a demon was after you. Before I stood to leave I noticed a slip of paper on my desk. My heart fluttered like a caged sparrow. That is what made me smile for the first time in a long time.
That note is one of many things that makes me want to relive that day The knowing that I wasn’t the only one alone in that dreary school. That is what would make me want to relive that day. The day my heart fluttered like a caged sparrow set free for the first time. That's the day I first met you.
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seriously, u reminded me my school days. when i first tym met with a girl. she always sits before my seat. she was beautiful and charming. and if i guess u are also a charming personalitiy. this stuff is beautifully written.
i liked it from the beginning to the last.
keep writin' and grt love u!
"My heart fluttered like a caged sparrow" Is such a stunning statement . I feel as though you could have added more images similar to that one.
I really acknowledge the fact that you ended your article with the same message as with what you started with which ties the article together nicely .
I would also would like to add that more in detail explanations could have been added to the events that occurred in your story to grab interest .
other than the above things I have pointed out ,. Your article was good .
Hey Danceingtreeelf!
This is, as you said in the description, very short. That's an advantage because if makes each individual sentence more important than in a novel, but it does also mean that you need to focus and make them powerful ones.
I think this short is best when you go for the interesting similes and unusual imagery. The "heart like a caged sparrow" isn't ground-breaking, but it's definitely good at getting across your meaning using only a few words. This is the sort of thing I'd like to see you improve and grow.
How about extending the caged bird image so that it runs through the whole story? You could have the main character "perched" on the edge of her seat. She could imagine being nestled in this guy's arms. As soon as you find a way to tie up the little pieces of the story then you'll find it feels more cohesive and engaging.
Apart from this the story is a bit of a straight line. While it may be based on a real life event, perhaps there's room to be creative and make it more dramatic. The only real conflict / barrier to the story's progress is that the main character doubts herself. Can you make a bit more of this or bring in a different conflict? Of course, this is quite a short piece and conflicts and resolution are more appropriate for longer pieces, but maybe increasing the tension a bit further might make the ending more rewarding?
I'll leave those ideas for you to think about and explore. If you redraft this then I'd like to hear about it so I can take a second look. Other than that, happy writing and enjoy the site!
Thank you but this was one of my shorter and less explained pieces.It was written like this for you to use imagination and to feel the words, but thank you for reading it.