Elder - Chapter 1

by Dakota

Published February 13, 2013

E - Everyone

In Elder

PreviousNext

Chapter 1

The night air was still, allowing the howls of wolves to carry high into the sky and echo through the valley. It was the gathering of the Clan of Northern Shadows; a chance for the five packs to become one, until the moon slipped from the sky and allowed the sun to rise. Kianna, a beautiful, young, but shy and reclusive she-wolf, played half-heartedly with her cubs. They were a demanding trio, but Kianna didn't care; they were hers. Her mate Dakota, the Clan's Lead Hunter, stood beside her. He was a dark brown colour, and he had a large, bushy tail. Kianna stole a glance at him, but quickly turned away.

"What's the matter?" Dakota asked softly.

Sighing, Kianna looked at the wolves around her.

"I don't know. But, my brother. He left the Royal Pack, remember? I want to find him."

Dakota nodded. He had no family close to him, for his parents had died when he was young, but nearly all of Kianna's family were in their pack. Her brother had left to become Lord of the Draco Pack, and so Kianna had not seen him since. "Go then. He'll be around. Don't worry about the pups, I'll keep an eye on them."

Dakota told her. Relieved, Kianna thanked him, than slipped through the packs of wolves surrounding her.

~~~~

Dakota kept a wary eye on the pups. As the night progressed, rather than settling, they had grown even more troublesome. He was getting rather tired, and was relieved to see Kianna's sister, Kiera, pad up to him. She was a shining grey, which made it look as if thousands of stars shimmered in her pelt.

"Kianna told me you might want a break, so...here I am!" she called.

Tail wagging, Dakota greeted his mate's sister.

"Off you go! I'll keep an eye on the cubs." she told him.

Cautiously, Dakota studied the expression on her muzzle.

"OK, if you're sure..." Kiera cocked her head."I'm sure."

Yawning, Dakota trotted off, to find a quiet place for a rest. Kiera turned to the cubs.

"Right, my dears. Lie down and I'll tell you a story."

She hadn't noticed a black she-wolf creeping towards her.

"In the beginning, Lupus, the Great Star Wolf, created light, and darkness. He took the light from the pelt of his mate, Lupa." she began telling the pups.

"How interesting." hissed the black she-wolf.

Kiera reeled back in shock.

"Who are you?" she asked, shielding the pups behind her.

"Eclipse, a she-wolf of the Sirius Pack. I wish to help you care for the pups." the black she-wolf replied smoothly.

Kiera raised her muzzle haughtily. Her eyes flashed in anger. Behind her, the littlest pup started to whimper.

"Do let me help you. My mother taught me a wonderful way of settling pups down."

Kiera snarled. She distrusted this black she-wolf deeply.

"Never!"

Eclipse narrowed her eyes, feeling her claws spring from their pads. Ears shoved forward in dominance, she stepped forward.

"Then, it is clear we have a slight misunderstanding, I'm afraid."

Terrified, Kiera stepped back, until she felt the press of wolves behind her. Eyes glittering with malice, Eclipse pounced, her teeth aiming for Kiera's throat. Instantly, Kiera retaliated. The pups yelped in shock as the two she-wolves clashed in mid-air. Kiera clawed Eclipse's pelt, frantically trying to shake her foe off her back. She had underestimated Eclipse's strength, but Kiera had speed on her side. She pounced again, her hackles raised. This time, Kiera drew blood, but Eclipse aimed straight for Kiera's flank and tore part of the shimmering pelt away. Her muzzle drenched in blood, Eclipse turned towards the pups.

"Leave them alone!! screamed Kiera, bloodied and weak.

Eclipse snatched up the littlest pup in her jaws, then bounded away. Kiera slumped to the ground, unable to give chase. In front of her, the two remaining pups nuzzled her, desperately trying to revive her as she collapsed to the floor.

~~~~

Dakota rushed towards Kiera, having heard the cries of his pups. He broke through the crowds to find the she-wolf laying dazed in the dirt.

"Kiera!" he cried.

"Whatever happened?"

A whine escaped from her throat, and Dakota saw her eyes open in bloodshot slits.

"Your pup." she whispered quietly. "Your littlest pup. He's been stolen."

Dakota reared up in anger. Stealing a pup was a crime punishable by expulsion from the Clan, and, in the worst cases, death.

"Who?"

Kiera looked up at him, then at the encircling Clan members.

She closed her eyes again.

"I believe her name was...Eclipse."

Eclipse. The name thundered through Dakota like the hoof beats of the wild herds of migrating caribou. He had heard it before, in tales passed on to him by his Hunting pack. Also, some whispered that she was a Seer, and that she firmly believed the time of Lupus' downfall was near.

"That she-wolf from the Sirius pack?"

Kiera nodded, her mind full of her failed duty.

"I'm so sorry Dakota, this is all my fault." she said.

Although he did direct some of the blame at her, Dakota refused to believe her claims. She did, after all, try to keep the black she-wolf away. Pity filled his eyes as he surveyed her wounds. Somehow, Dakota felt he was the cause of this. After all, he had told Kianna that the pups would be safe with him, and yet, he had let Kiera take charge of them.

"Don't think that, Kiera, you did everything you could." he growled.

The she-wolf sighed, casting her eyes at the sky.

" But it wasn't enough though, was it? Don't flatter me."

Dakota started to walk away, but Kiera called him back. He turned, exasperated.

"You're going to find him, aren't you?" Kiera said, a tone of accusation in her voice.

"I'm coming with you."

Curling his lips back to reveal his white fangs, Dakota glowered at the she-wolf.

"You need to care for the pups. I don't want you looking for him, you've done enough damage already."

Overruled, Kiera started the submission rituals. It was customary for wolves to do this, but it was rare for a high-ranking wolf to do so.

"Dakota...please."Kiera pleaded.

"No! Just leave me be!" barked the Lead Hunter.

Kiera fell silent, and waved him away. Dakota gazed at her for a few moments, then fell upon the trail of the black she-wolf Eclipse.

~~~~

Kaine, brother of Kianna and Kiera, bounded next to Dakota, and the other Hunting Lieutenant, Ash. They were leading a pack on the search for Eclipse and the stolen pup, but the trail had fallen cold. It was clear the she-wolf knew how to disguise her tracks. Kaine's eyes were drawn to a tuft of black fur snagged on a bramble.

"Stop!" he cried.

The pack slowed to a halt. Dakota cocked his head, confused. Raising his muzzle, he snarled softly. Kaine pointed a paw at the fur.

"Fur from a black she-wolf's pelt. Although she is excellent at covering her scent and tracks, it is the turn of the seasons, and even she can't stop the Moulting of the Winter Pelt." he said.

Tentatively, Dakota sniffed the fur, his nostrils flaring wide. Around the Hunting pack, the wind slowly rose, it's direction was changing, and with it, came the scent of a she-wolf, mingled with that of another.

"Ah, she was running upwind to us." Ash whispered.

The wolves nodded, agreeing with their Lieutenant. They bowed their heads low to the ground and picked up the scent. Dakota raised himself to his full height.

"We shall run at full speed, for we do not wish to tire her. Under no circumstances must she be harmed either, as it may harm our chances of her cooperation."

Confused, Kaine shook his head.

"Why? She stole your pup! My sister's pup! She deserves to be punished."

Slowly, Dakota turned towards him. Nervous of their leader's wrath, the pack stepped away. Rage enveloped Dakota, but he brushed it away.

"I am your leader Kaine, do not judge my choices. She will not have the pup, but she will know where he is. Now, organise yourselves, and quickly!"

The pack hastened to do so. At once, Dakota took the lead, with Kaine and Ash at his side. Their paws beating rhythmically against the ground, the pack moved as one, all striving to chase the black she-wolf.

~~~~

Eclipse had made good progress. The pup, carried off safely in her jaws, was now hidden in her old whelping den. She, meanwhile, had run far from the Clan's territory border, and into that of the Pack of Elders. Happy with her victory, Eclipse knew she would be rewarded, but first, she had to escape the Hunting Pack. They were running at full speed, like a rushing river. At their head, was the pup's father, Dakota. Cursing, Eclipse broke into a strong, fluent stride. She knew Dakota, or Kaine for that matter, would not rest until she was grovelling at their feet. The howls of the pack were getting closer, reminding her that time was running out. Quickly bounding up a small ridge, Eclipse surveyed the valley below her. Somewhere, in one of the caves, was a sanctuary where she could rest, untroubled by the Hunting pack. Beneath her paw, the ground was wet and slick with mud. Eclipse lunged for the dry rocks of the ridge, but found that they moved and rolled away at her touch. Her situation was getting desperate. Eventually, she found a path that led to a small stream. Without thinking, she leapt down it, scrambling for flat ground and safety.

"Stop!" barked a voice angrily.

Eclipse froze, trembling. The wolf before her was a large, dusky grey and clearly a Warrior. She collapsed to the ground in submission.

"Eclipse, why are you here? You're supposed to be in the Clan of Northern Shadows right now." asked the Warrior accusingly.

Eclipse sighed bitterly, looking up at the Warrior.

"They are hunting me, Storm, because I stole a pup for our pack. Is that such a crime?"

Storm glanced at the ridge, conscious of the pack leader nearing the top.

"Not to our pack." he replied. "But to the Clans, yes."

Eclipse followed his gaze. "

Yes, I suppose so, but am I welcome here" she asked.

Storm inclined his head in thought.

"Yes. Welcome back to the Pack Of Elders."

~~~~

Kianna howled in sheer despair. The news of her stolen pup had only just reached her ears. All around her, she-wolves were offering words of sympathy, but Kianna didn't want to hear them.

"I just want to find my pup!" she wailed.

"There, there, my dear." said her old nurse, Morag."Dakota will find him."

"But, she stole him away! That Seer, she stole him!"

Morag stared at the floor.

"I curse her! By Lupa, by Lupus and by all the souls in the Spirit Cave, I curse her! I wish she was barren!" screamed Kianna, using every oath she could remember.

Oily tears leaked from Morag's eyes.

"Kianna," she trembled."You don't think that. No-one would wish a she-wolf to be barren. Not even you. This anger will pass."

The Beast inside Kianna roared, announcing it's hunger for blood.

"No! You're wrong, this will not pass. This will never pass! If Lupa wished me to lose my pups, she would never have let them be born! This is unnatural!"

The she-wolves around her backed away, fearing the words of calamity.

"Tonight, my friends, we shall howl for Lupa's Wrath to fall upon that she-wolf Eclipse! And we shall howl for Dakota's success!" Kianna announced.

Growling in agreement, the she-wolves raised their muzzles, singing the song of Lupa's Wrath, hoping and praying that it would strike Eclipse at her weakest.

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
florageis
Review
florageis wrote a review Review · Feb 16, 2013

It was a great start.You didn't make too many grammar mistakes. I did find some mistakes but nothing to shabby.I liked how you added a plot to the very beginning. It had me curious to know more. When Eclipse stole one of Kianas pups i had a feeling of empathy for the family and the pup. It was rather gripping how you added all the action in the beginning usually the beginning is more informative but you had both which was just the mixture to capture the reader. Great work.I will stand by to see what the other chapters have to offer.

User avatar
Shady
Review
Shady wrote a review Review · Feb 15, 2013

Hey, it's my Mentee!

Hi Mentee! :D

Dakota told her. Relieved, Kianna thanked him,


Dakota studied the her expression on her muzzle.


"OK, if you're sure..."
~ This part should be with the bit about Dakota studying Kiera's expression.

Yawning, Dakota trotted off, to find a quiet place for a rest.


"Eclipse, a she-wolf of the Sirius Pack.
~ I don't think a wolf would feel the need to specify that she was a girl.
~~~

Okay!

You've got an interesting start. This needs a bit of love, but it's definitely a good storyline. I love your names. Kianna, Kiera, Kaine, Dakota... I like them. Very nice.

If you need any more help, don't hesitate to ask.

Keep Writing!

~Shady 8)

User avatar
Cadi
Review
Cadi wrote a review Review · Feb 15, 2013

Hey there, Dakota!

Before I start, I'd like to say that you've got an interesting start here - I do wonder what's going on with this mysterious Eclipse, and how things are going to play out with hunting her down. However, there's a few things I'd like to suggest for improving this, so let's get to it.

Firstly, there's quite a lot going on here! There's nothing wrong with that - in fact, for an action-packed novel, you want there to be a lot going on. I'd suggest, though, taking a little more time to tell us about all of it. See, you've introduced us to Kianna, Dakota, their pups, Kiera and Eclipse as main characters, shown us a fight and a kidnapping, a hunting party, and Eclipse's flight and return to the Pack of Elders, and told us about several different packs and pack ranks. At the pace you've written this, that's a lot of stuff for your reader to keep track of at once. It might be an idea to slow down, take a little longer to introduce us to the characters and have the events play out. Perhaps, rather than telling us Kianna is playing with the pups in one line, give us a little bit of scene where you describe the game she's playing, or how they tumble around her, or something. In fact, a bit more attention given to the pups themselves would be really good - at the moment, we don't really get any idea of how they're acting.

Second - and this ties in a bit with slowing the pace down - I'd like to suggest a little work on your characters' reasons for doing things. There are a couple of places in this where I feel surprised by what your characters are doing, because they're saying things with no prior build-up to suggest they would be saying that. For example, near the beginning, Kianna goes from being proud about her pups to suddenly really wanting to see her brother (and when she says 'find him', does she know where he is? Because it sounds like she's about to embark on an epic quest to relocate a lost brother at the moment). Or, later on, Dakota is reassuring Kiera that she did all she could to defend the lost pup - and then angrily says she's done enough damage when she tries to help him hunt Eclipse. When characters do unexpected things like this, it jolts the reader out of the story with confusion, and you really want your readers to be immersed in the story as much as possible!

Finally, one more thing that caused me some confusion. When Eclipse attacks and kidnaps the pup, Kiera backs up "until she feels the press of wolves behind her", and when Dakota rushes in he has to "break through the crowds" to find her. This suggests there are a lot of wolves around who are friendly towards Kiera and Dakota. Why do none of these wolves do anything to help Kiera during the kidnap? It seems strange - if they're around and do nothing, why do they do nothing? And if they're not around, what is the "press of wolves" behind Kiera, and how did they all beat Dakota to the 'scene of the crime'?
Other than that, I don't think I've anything to say. Please feel free to message me if you've got any questions about what I've said, or if you'd like me to do a spelling and grammar check on this, or if you'd just like to chat! Otherwise, happy writing!

Cadi x

User avatar
Panikos
Review
Panikos wrote a review Review · Feb 15, 2013

Hello, Dakota. How about a review?

Firstly, I think this is generally a great start to the story. It's got drama, a mix of characters, and has set up a world that I would love to know more about. I don't generally read this kind of genre, but you've done it well from what I've seen. Your grammar and spelling is great, and it read pretty smoothly, so all in all I think you've done a good job.

However, my only real problem with the piece is the pacing of it. Granted, you need drama to draw a reader in, but you don't want to overdo it, and you need to savour each event. I felt it just moved on from one scene to another just a tad too quickly - you could've spent more time between Kiera taking over the pup-sitting and Eclipse sneaking into the cave, because that bit in particular feels a bit too rushed. I want a bit of character development just to add more depth to the story. You could give a bit of back story to Kiera and Dakota, just so that the reader feels like they know them a bit more - at the moment it's pretty difficult to separate one character from another, save for Eclipse, who I do like (I always prefer the evil ones).

Also, description. There were no real descriptive paragraphs in the story, and given that this is such an other-worldly place I feel that they're needed in order to capture the scenery and draw us in. You don't have to put loads in; just one or two concise paragraphs about the cave and surroundings and you're done. It'll add something, trust me.

Nevertheless, this is still a great piece, and there wasn't a point at which I thought I wanted to stop reading. I like your light writing style, and the way it isn't too heavy with metaphors or adjectives - you know when and where to be descriptive, and that's very refreshing after reading so many lyrical pieces recently.

Anyway, I hope this review helped somewhat. PM me if you have any questions, I'll be glad to help.
Keep writing! :)

~Dark



The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma.
— Patrick Star