Thunderstorm

Daisydreams,

I really love this poem, definitely in love. I read it yesterday and was being a bit nitpicky and denied myself all of its wonders and enjoyment that it handed forth. I read it again and it's just stunning. Beautiful.

I guess my only problem with it is "With your voice, like deep rolling thunder". I love this line, but I really don't like the repetition with thunder. And I think I was so hung up on that last time I read this. I think you could compare it to another element of a thunderstorm, like rain or hail. That's honestly it.

These are my favourite lines:

"Your eyes struck through me like lightning,

Your thunder reverberated through my bones.

I fell in love,

With your hair the color of storm clouds

And your eyes that leave a hurricane ripping through me."


Gosh, they just go so damn well together, I'm almost jealous of your talent. But I am still wholehearted happy for you, and you must love this poem too, amazing job with it. It will be in my favourites.

Keep expressing.

-Percybeth

Hello!
I definitely loved this poem it is very nice and you give the reader a great description with some sensory details and I loved the similes and metaphors. I only just had one little nit picky thing that I wasn't particularly fond of in this sentence
"And, especially, your smile that fills me with wonder,"

I felt that the comma should not have been there since the "and" was but it isn't incorrect and you can always keep it there for dramatic effect. Other than that the poem was great and you should definitely keep writing!

~~karina

Thewriter13 here for a review!
First off, welcome to YWS! You're gonna love it here.
This poem was very well written and I appreciate the word choice and the imagery you've created. I must say the metaphors are great as well!
A few things about the rhythm if the poem:
Some of the commas in this poem seem odd as to where you placed them.
For example:
"And, especially, your smile that fills me with wonder,
Like watching lightning spread across the sky." I don't think you need those commas there. It breaks up the rhythm and the pace the rest of the poem was going. If you want to you could take the commas out. Also, if you saying "I fell in love" with the person's hair, etc. you should take out the comma after "I fell in love"
If you are merely stating "I fell in love" you might want to add a period after a statement for a full stop. That makes the statement even more powerful
Great poem!
Keep writing

Greetings Daisydreams!
Firstly I would like to welcome you to YWS. I hope you'll enjoy every moment you're here.
Anywaaay, back to the poem.
I usually start with grammar and vocabulary, but there isn't much I can comment on. Both are satisfactory (or that's my opinion).
I think the free verse style of this poem is fitting, especially considering that it is a love poem.
The way you isolate the lines "I fell in love" and "Remind me of you" puts emphasis on them, and because they are so important in this poem, it works quite well.
All in all this is a satisfactory poem to start my day with. Therefore I am rating it a 8.0 out of ten. A truly remarkable achievement for your first piece!
Sincerely,
The Wandering Wizard
P.S. I noted that you signed the poem with another name than your username. That was just very curious to me.