Published February 6, 2010
Dairy Entry # 14: Crying Night
I see him running again. Charging down my street, through the haunting darkness above him. His grey hoodie is pulled over his head hiding his features from the outside world. The screams that had come from his house had been horrifying, I didn't know what to think when I was woken by the blood curdling screams coming from the Fosters basement.
No one other than me seems to hear them, maybe my parents and the rest if the street just turn a blind eye to what is happening. Mum always say’s not to get involved with other peoples business. Dad tells me that nothing is happening and it is all in my head, a teenage imaginative story! I know something is happening though, I know that they are doing something to their son that is definitely bad. Maybe my parents don’t see that because Mr and Mrs Foster are what keep this street from falling to the ground.
Their money is the only thing that seems to keep the electricity passing through those low over head hanging electrical wires.
I can hear his soft cries as he crawls under the fence of Mrs. Pullman’s garden, leading towards the dark shrub outside. Walking back I peak my head outside my rustic brown door. The dark unlit hallway greets me with an eerie silence. The shadows of my imagination play within the corners of the hall, dancing in vivid rhythms of a human form. I can hear my Dad's breathing machine coming from his bedroom just next to mine. My mother snores softly next to him though it is hardly heard.
Should I go after him, or shouldn't I. Those same words have been passing through my head the past two weeks. When ever I see him running from his house and towards the shrub behind Mrs. Pullman’s fence I know that I should go after him. I grab at my dark green coat lying over my desk chair and begin to walk towards the stairs, stopping at the top as I usually do. Fear is what stops me from running to him, fear is what stops me from doing anything…I am such a coward!
"Ashwell, stop being such a wimp and go down these stairs" I tell myself through gritted teeth focusing on the stair in front of me. The red linen that’s wraps around it shines in the moonlight coming form the window to the left side of me.
Closing my eyes I push myself down the stairs towards the front door. Placing my hand on the knob I scrunch my nose up again. This is the fatherest I have gone in disobeying my mothers and fathers strict rules not to play outside in the dark. Turning the door knob, I hear the door click unlocked. The cold air that pushes at me as I let the door swing back stings at my face with a violent icy touch.
Taking a step on to the wooden porch I stair at the grass around me, the moonlight hits the individual blades making them light up in the eerie darkness. The street light just outside my gate flickers ominously, taking in a deep breath I step back in the house and close the door.
“It’s probably for the best anyway” I whisper to myself turning away from the door. I clench my fists as I take a step towards the stairs. His cries echo in my ears, daring me outside. Biting into my lip, I let the door fly open and I step outside closing it quickly behind me.
The sound of an owl in one of mum’s peach trees make me jump towards the door my hand sealing around the knob nervously.
“Stop being such a bay, go and help him!” I hiss to myself. Pushing myself back I begin to walk towards the street slowly my feet padding across the tiled pavement. Stopping at the white picket fence I try not to turn and run back inside the warmth hearth of my house.
Pulling the rusted latch back, I bite into my lip fearfully as the sound of the hinges screeching back in resistance. Stepping out into the street a gust of wind hits me full in the face, turning I look up at my Mothers and Fathers window. Hoping in blind luck they would yell for me to come back inside. Sighing as I realise they down I wrap my hands around my body and begin to run down the moon lit street, ignoring the voice in my head telling me to stop and turn back. Jumping over a hedge, my foot caught in a bramble sending me sprawling across the pavement floor. I close my eyes slowly staring under my arm back up towards my room room. Closing my eyes I push myself resistantly of the floor and begin to walk towards the iron meshed gate, in Mrs. Pullman’s backyard. Getting on my knees I see the hole he used to climb under, the small Christmas gnome next to me shines his black eyes back me. Pushing the gate upwards, I crawl through the mud the slime and algae rub up against my pyjamas making the hairs on my chest stand on end at the coolness. The wire scrapes into my back as I push myself fully through, letting the gate fall back in place. The bush thickens around me; I can hear the soft sound of a stream just ahead of me. Pushing myself to my feet I begin to lumber towards the stream, ignoring the urge to throw myself away from here. The sound of birds whistling through the night sky gives me the creeps. I stare up into the stars splattered sky and spot a shadow swooping down towards me. Rushing forward I glance around cautiously looking for an axe wielding maniac to jump out.
“There is no axe wielding maniacs here” I began to chant as my toes stubbed stones and dirty clumps of sand. I can hear him now, his sobs echoing through the rushing of water. Picking my way through the trees I stand behind him staring at the water cloaked in the moons light. The feeling of relief to see him made my heart jolt, I wasn’t alone in the darkness anymore!
I sit down next to him staring at my hands. “Why are you crying?” I ask quickly tyring to invite myself. He jumps around staring at me as if I were a ghost.
“What are you doing here!” he spits his voice coaxed with sobs and raw fear.
“I saw you crying, is something wrong” I look up into the moon, the small crevices etched into it make me frown.
“No” he began to wipe at his tears “Nothing is wrong, I am not crying. You shouldn’t even be here! Leave me alone!”
I didn’t move I only sat determinedly on the ground “You have been crying and running to here for the past two weeks, I’ve seen you do it” I turn my glance on him “something is wrong!” I can’t see his face through the hoodie, but if I could bet it would be stained red.
“I’m Ashwell” I said blinking at him, tyring my best at a smile. He looked away from me, pushing himself to his feet.
“I don’t care” Kicking a stone he ran off into the shrubs. I stood up fear coiling around my heart, what was I doing here. What did I suspect he would spill his beans; I shouldn’t even be out at night.
“Hey wait!’ I scream towards his receding figure.
“I said leave me alone!” His voice dies away as the night begins to wake.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,413 Literary Works • 674,393 Reviews
Hey, Dreamy here, and welcome to YWS! As you can probably see from all those other lengthy reviews, this needs a lot of work. I don't mean to be harsh, but this wasn't very good writing, grammatically speaking. However, in terms of the story itself, this shows a lot of promise! You have a very interesting plot going here, make sure to continue it. However-- don't let it get cliche. How about you add in a twist, because right now it looks like Ashwell and the boy are going to fall for each other. I mean, that's cute, but super-predictable. So yup. Do some major rewriting, and maybe touch up your plot a bit. Nice job overall! Keep writing!
--Dreamy
Hello! The previous two reviewers pretty much covered every grammatical issue I could point out, so proofread through this and you might want to check out this tutorial on Dialogue Punctuation, and this tutorial on semi-colons. As a general rule, you can also read a story aloud to yourself to figure out where to put commas and such. Whenever you take a slight pause, just insert a comma, otherwise it ruins the flow of your piece.
In these three quotes, your character is talking to himself. After the first one, we understand that, and we know for sure they can't be talking to anyone else, because there's no one around! That makes the other two "to myself"s unnecessary.
a) Massive paragraph! Separate it, or cut some of this information.
b) You have a stylistic issue here. In almost every sentence of this paragraph, you start with an "-ing" word. In prose, it's so important to vary your sentence structure. I put all your "-ing" sentence beginnings in bold, so you can see how repetitive that is. Work on rephrasing things so that the paragraph flows more smoothly.
You have a good start. The biggest things you need to fix are the mechanics of your writing: basically, grammar, punctuation, sentence structure, etc. That's good, because those (well, maybe not sentence structure) are the easiest things to fix. The best advice I can give to really get a hang of grammar is to read. Just find a book you enjoy and pay attention to how the author writes, and what kinds of sentences they use, and where they put commas. That's how I learned.
For editing purposes, go ahead and take a look at the corrections of the other two reviewers and check out those links I gave you. Making sure the grammar of your story is up to par will make the story itself infinitely more readable and more enjoyable.
Thanks, keep writing, and PM me for anything!
~Evi
Hello and welcome to YWS!
. now on to your review:
Im happy to be among your first reviewers, and would like to encourage you to review as many works as you can
I think these two sentences should be switched. The first sentence of your first chapter is suppose to grab the reader's attention and make them want more, carve more. Also maybe they should be combined because the second sentence is not a sentence yet a fragment so maybe change it up like this: Charging down my street through the haunting darkness above him, I see him running again.
this is a little confusing to read I suggest rewording: The screams that came from his house had been horrifying; I didn't know what to think when I was woken by the blood curdling screams coming from the Foster's basement.
If you don't re-word it like suggested the comma after horrifying needs to be a semi-colon and an apostrophe needs to be before the last s in fosters.
A comma after no one and me. A semi-colon instead of a comma. Also in the second part of this sentence you change tenses In the beginning it was in past tense now it's in present tense. this confuses the reader I won't correct it through the rest of your chapter just choose which tense you would like it to be
Semi-colon instead of a comma. A comma is used to combined a fragment and a full sentence. A full sentence has both a subject and a verb. A semi-colon combines to full sentences each with their own verbs and subjects.
Keep needs to be keeps
good description.
This is such a quick transition from talking about how his parents to telling us how you hear him in that night. give the readers some time to swallow the information being given to them. Maybe by starting another paragraph and so on. Or by telling us like snapping out of your daydream or something along those lines. Just a suggestion though
A comma after back is needed.
A comma after dark because both dark and unlit are describing the hallway. Awesome personification
Lovely description, maybe my favorite sentence of this whole chapter!
A comma after him.
You are asking a question so instead of putting a period put a question mark at the end.
A semi-colon not a comma. Also after the three periods put a space before putting the I
A period after stairs.
that's needs to be just that. And a comma after it.
A comma after eyes is needed.
A comma after knob.
Im pretty sure fatherest is spelled wrong, so I advise checking a dictionary
No need for the at.A comma after violent because both violent and icy are describing the cold air.
A comma after porch and the comma you put after me should be a semi-colon. Also stair should be stare.
A comma after light and after gate is needed. A semi colon instead of a comma after ominously also a comma after breath.
A period after anyway.
My personal opinion, i don't think the second part of this sentence makes much sense maybe change it to daring me to go outside.
A comma after open is needed because you can also combine to full sentences by using a conjunction like, but,and,or with a comma.
A comma after owl and trees.
Is bay suppose to be baby?
A comma after back. A semi-colon after street and change padding to pad.
A comma after fence is needed.
A comma after street. A semi colon istead of a comma after face and a comma after turning. Also a apostrophe after the r is mother and father to show possesion of the window.
this is a fragment maybe try to combine it with the sentence above or below it.
A comma after sighing then the as isn't needed. Plus that part doesn't make any sense I realize they down?? What does that mean? Also after down there should be a semi colon.
I know I said I wouldn't tell you when you change tenses but most of this is in the present tense so I suggest just changing this sentense around to make it present tense.
A comma after eyes and slowly.
In the sentence before this you already state that you have closed your eyes so maybe you are opening them now. A comma after eyes. of needs to be off. and no comma after gate.
A comma after knees. A semi colon instead of a comma after under.
A semi colon after mud. the needs to be before algae. Also I had the intention that the narrator was a girl if so, does she really have hair on her chest??? A comma after pyjamas.
A comma after feet is needed. I don't think throw is the right word to use here.
Why does it give them the creeps? Give a little more description please.
Stars should be just star.
A comma after forward is needed. A comma after around and cautiously.
Make maniacs to just maniac and a period after here. Began should be begin if you will put all this into the present tense. Change stubbed into stubb and a comma after chant.
A comma after trees.
A semi colon instead of a comma after jolt.
A comma after him.
A comma after quickly and what are you inviting yourself to?
A period after wrong.
A period after no. a comma after tears. A semi colon after wrong.
A semi colon after move and the only doesn't need to be there. A comma after ground. A period after it. A comma after him.
A comma after ashwell and after said. Trying is spelled wrong. Also this is an awkward place for this person to introduce themselves to the kid. maybe have the kid ask them who they are.
This a very realistic reaction
A comma after up. And end this sentence with a question mark instead of a period because you are asking a question.
A comma after suspect.
Make the second qoutation mark. Probably just a typo
A comma after away.
Overall I really liked this piece; the grammatical errors and changing of tenses distract away from the plot and the awesome storying your telling, but other than that I thought it was really good. Also, I think that during some it you had amazing descritpion than at other times you lacked very important description. Try to work on showing your audience instead of just telling them. Which sentence would you rather read:
it was cold outside.- Telling
The frost nipped at the tips of her fingers causing a numbing feeling to grow up her hand.- Showing.
This was a really good read other than those mistakes and I would love it if you would PM me when you have put up more so I can read more.
thanks, and Have a good day,
Tiffany
Hey! This story definitely has promise. You did a great job with the first few sentences; they suck you into the story, and make you very curious about what is going on. Most of the problems I found were punctuation problems, spelling problems, etc. I will point out the main ones and reoccurring ones.
Should be 'stare'.Corrections:
Should be 'linen that wraps around it.' You have multiple minor mistakes like this one.
You don't need that 'at'.
It would read better as two separate sentences: 'The street light just outside my gate flickers ominously. Taking in a deep breath, I step back in the house and close the door.'
Since you have 'my', you shouldn't capitalize 'mother' and 'father'. You also need an apostrophe. Sentence would read better like this: 'Stepping out into the street, a gust of wind hits me full in the face. Turning, I look up at my mother and father's window.'
You wrote this as one incomplete sentence.
You probably meant 'down' to be something else. Needs more commas. 'Moon lit' should be 'moonlit'.
Missing 'at', you also used 'me' twice.
She is 'slowly staring'? Or is closing her eyes slowly? Neither makes sense. You can add more commas. There is also one more mistake, but it's too obvious.
Misspelled word. What does it mean, 'trying to invite myself'?
Needs a question mark instead of an explanation point. You have done this more than once.
Doesn't make sense: 'the small crevices etched into it make me frown'. Need to explain more.
Would read better as two sentences. Question mark should be at the end.
I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter and finding out what happens next! Keep on writing-
Kaedee