Make-Believe Ch.2

by DaiJia

Published July 24, 2016

16+ Language Violence

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

Rita knew that she accomplished many things in life. Getting to the roof of her house without a ladder or a rope? Check. Swinging her way to the top of the water tower without breaking a sweat? Double Check. Scaling the town hall for the umpteenth time and pissing off the Chief Elder? Been there, done that. But falling off an eon-old barrier that separated the human world and the Fae’s world? That was new.

“I crossed over…” Rita muttered to herself in disbelief. “I…” she turned around, hoping dearly that there would be a wall behind her, a wall she can climb back over. Nothing but forest. “Well, I kind of expected that.” She said dejectedly. She stuck her hands in her pocket and took out Alice’s stone. It was warmer than she had remembered, a comforting, plain, gray stone that reminded her of home. “The stone her dad gave her before he went over, huh. Ironic.” She looked up at the trees. “Sorry Alice. I broke my promise and I took your prized stone with me.” Rita glanced at the forest around her. “I do have a better chance of finding a ribbon, though.”

The light of the sun was fading by the minute, and since she was in a forest that wasn’t even a normal, “human” forest, she needed to find shelter, fast. God knows what lives in this place. She clutched Alice’s stone tightly in her hand and started to walk. Her legs were already tired from climbing the sky-scraping wall that led her to be over here, so after a while of trudging through the thick forest, she sat down at the foot of a tree and decided to rest for a bit before continuing. “Just a bit…” she whispered to herself. “I’ll close my eyes for just a bit.” Rita fell asleep faster than she had fallen off the wall.

She woke up with a start, confused as to why she wasn’t staring at the wooden ceiling of her room like she normally would, had she woken up at home. She felt the rock in her palm, the tree at her back, and almost instantly, the day’s events caught up to her. “Oh no.” She jumped up, dusted loose leaves off her pants and looked about. The forest was quiet as always, but it was nearly pitch black. Rita could barely make out the looming shadows of the trees and plants. She was scared, but she calmed a little when she felt the stone in her hand pulse with an unusual heat. ‘

Wait, pulsing with heat?’ She wondered. Upon taking a closer look, the little charm Alice had given her was glowing. It wasn’t very bright, but rather, it was like the dimming lights of a dying firefly.

Rita rubbed her eyes to make sure she wasn’t hallucinating. She shook her head and ran her fingers through her messy, short hair, ridding herself of any remaining shreds of sleep. She looked at the stone again. It was still glowing. “Well whaddya know.” She said, her voice tinged with curiosity. “Alice gave me a magic charm.” The climber held the warm stone to her cheek in a sentimental gesture. “I really do owe you the prettiest ribbon in the world, don’t I Alice.” She sighed.

Her silent musings were brought to an abrupt halt, however, as she heard voices coming closer. The language they spoke was not like any Rita had heard of; with strange syllables and sounds she was sure she could never pronounce. The voices themselves, however, were distinctly men. They bickered amongst themselves, with the occasional person saying something that sounded like they were hushing the others. As they neared, the cling and clang of metal tools was there along with the strange conversations.

Rita didn’t know if she should call out to them or not, but her dilemma was quickly ended when she noticed eight glowing lights peeking out from behind the bushes. They were several feet off the ground, and they were each roughly half the size of Rita’s hand. She inched a bit closer, thinking that they might be strange, mystic fruit. Too late, did she realize that those “fruits” were eyes.

A huge scorpion lunged out from the trees with a hiss that seemed to vibrate through Rita’s skull. It was musical in a way, but it caused Rita’s head to spin. She screamed and shut her eyes tight. The scorpion bore down on her, sickly red venom dripping from its tail, but at the last moment, something stopped it.

Rita opened her eyes slowly. A large, bearded man in thick leather armor stood over her, holding off the huge stinger with what seemed to be an oversized shovel. Another person shouted something else urgently and two pairs of armor-clad arms helped Rita to her feet and lead her away from the battle. One of the tall warriors kneeled down as to look Rita in the eyes and babbled something in their language. Rita looked at him, confused and made a motion that she hoped they would understand as “I don’t speak/understand your language.” The man looked at the others and said something in his gruff voice. A rag doll was brought to Rita.

It was worn down, with a simple face drawn crudely onto its head by charcoal or some other black substance. The cloth from which it was made was rough, almost like sackcloth. She accepted the doll and held it gingerly. “Uh…I…um…I’m 17, so I don’t think I need a comfort doll.” She said awkwardly.

The two men tending to her laughed. One of them took out a similar doll and said, “We know that you are too old for a doll!”

“Huh?” Rita shook her head. She could suddenly understand them! “I can…Do you understand what I’m saying?”

The warrior holding the other doll said, “Of course I can! The doll you are holding is a transmitter of languages. Any two people or even animals holding one can instantly understand what the other is saying!” He held up his doll to the lantern and shook it lightly, as if to emphasize what he was saying. “You do not seem to be from around here. Your clothes are unlike any that I’ve seen before.” He paused, as it to think, and then he suddenly said with realization, “Perhaps you are from the other side. Once we are done here, we will explain everything. Stay here for now.”

He and his companion stood up and unsheathed their weapons. The warrior was about to give Rita a heavy-looking dagger, but his eyes caught sight of the little stone Rita was holding. His eyes widened and he put the dagger back into his belt. Rita looked alarmed. Were they going to leaver her unarmed? What if another scorpion shows up?! The warrior chuckled at Rita’s distressed expression and said, “With that charm in your hand, you will be safer from the scorpion than you would be if you had the knife.”

Comments & reviews · 2
ChocolateCello wrote a review Review · Jul 31, 2016

'Ello, it's Cello!

I have not read the first chapter of this story so I'll have to focus on general things during this review oppose to character and plot development.

Let's start by focusing on your dialogue. I have a few things to day here. I noticed that you don't quite seem to have down the punctuation rules that go along with dialogue (which is more than okay- I couldn't manage to pick them up until just recently). Let's take a look at two of the rules you seemed to be missing the most.
-Do not end a quote with a period if it's followed by a dialogue tag. (A dialogue tag is 'she said', 'he asked', etc.)
-Do not end a dialogue tag with a period if you plan on continuing dialogue from the character speaking.

“Well whaddya know.” She said, her voice tinged with curiosity. “Alice gave me a magic charm.”

Here's a good example of a place that could use some improvement. This whole thing is a sentence. It shouldn't be stopped by periods until it is truly over. Exchange the unneeded periods with commas (after 'know' and 'curiosity')
Now, just for clarification (so you can use this knowledge in other places and in other stories) You're allowed to have periods in your quotes, they just can't be in the end if you're following the quote with a dialogue tag.
Ex: "I just don't know what to do. I'm scared," she whispered."
Keep in mind, this rule isn't saying 'only end quotes with commas if followed by a dialogue tag', it's just saying not to use periods. You're more than welcome to use question marks or exclamation points.
I'd also like to take a moment and just look at your general usage of dialogue. You have your character talk to herself a lot, especially in the beginning of this chapter, and while this is fine, it's rather unneeded. Now again, I haven't read the previous chapter, so if having the character talk to herself is important to her development and I'm just uninformed, I apologize. The point is that a lot of the dialogue would simply go better as writing.
It was warmer than she had remembered, a comforting, plain, gray stone that reminded her of home. “The stone her dad gave her before he went over, huh. Ironic.”

The dialogue here, for example, would work just fine without the quotes. Make it internal. It works well and adds more to to the tone of the story.

I'm going to make a quick note on emotion in the story too. Add it wherever you can. Readers use emotion to relate to your characters, so it's hard to have too much of it. Make it detailed too. How did Rita feel when she entered the new realm? How did this make her physically feel? Was she shaking? Did her stomach hurt? Why is this emotion occurring? Answering questions like this can really help character development and it gives strengthens the tone of the book. A horror story would be no good if it never talked about the fear the MC was feeling and a romance story would be bland if it never talked about the emotions of the speaker. Emotions are key.

You have some room for improvement, but who doesn't. ;) It's a great start. Keep up the good work.
-ChocolateCello

User avatar
Junel
Review
Junel wrote a review Review · Jul 25, 2016

Hey, I'm loving this story!

Grammatical Etc. errors:
There was nothing that I saw, so great job.

Characters: We continue to learn about Rita and how she reacts to her situation. We also meet a few new character who seem quite interesting.

Plot: This seems to be headed in a good direction that you have planned out and isn't random. You are also making sure it has a good pace.

Descriptions: So you did describe her surroundings in the previous chapter, but here there isn't much. Otherwise great job with describing everything.

Overall this is an entertaining and well written chapter.

Good Luck and Keep Writing

Sláinte -Junel



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