Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
Light filtered through the trees in delicate, golden strands. A deer stared curiously through the ever-thickening shrubbery, the light of the dying sun drawing wonderful spots on its back. The forest was without any sounds, but not in the way of when there was a prowling predator nearby. No, the entire wood silenced itself, observing the strange person who had wandered into its depths. A light, playful breeze stroked the top of the trees, rustling the leaves and branches affectionately.
Dirt and grass crunched softly under her feet as she cautiously explored this alien new land. “Where…?” she whispered apprehensively to herself. The grass and bushes seemed eager to answer. They stirred with the gentle wind that seemed to come from nowhere at all. It was such a peaceful scenery. But it didn’t matter. She crossed over the wall. She crossed from her world into theirs. The world from which no human had ever returned. And on what basis? A stupid, insipid dare from a village boy? It was truly not a fair reason to be lost in the world of the fae.
“Rita, I bet even you can’t scale that wall.” Jared had challenged. He was a scrawny, ratty boy, whose nose never seemed to stop running. His hair was always in disarray, and his knuckles always bruised. “Greatest climber in all the village? Ha!” he sniffed and wiped his dirt-smudged nose with his hand, leaving a streak of dust running across the top of his lips like an ill formed mustache. “I’ll bet you it’s just a load of bull.” He grinned cheekily, showing off his crooked teeth.
“Rita, don’t listen to him. Remember what the elders said about that wall? There are….things. Dangerous things on the other side of that wall. No one has ever come back from it.” Begged Alice in her gentle, musical voice. Her large, dark eyes seemed to water.
Rita ruffled Alice’s gold, feathery hair affectionately. “Thanks for looking out for me, but this is a challenge I can’t back down from.” She crouched down and looked the younger girl in the eyes. “You know how much I love a climb, don’t you?”
Alice blinked and rubbed her eyes, wiping away all traces of tears. “Yeah. But you’ll get hurt…Alice doesn’t want that.” She reached into the folds of her simple dress and pulled out a dull-looking stone. “Alice’s papa gave this to Alice before he went behind that wall. He says its special. It’ll protect you from bites and stings.” She gingerly handed it to Rita. “Just in case there are spiders on the wall. Take it and promise Alice that you’ll be safe?”
The stone was warm, but a little rough on the surface. Rita tucked it into her pocket. “Yeah. Definitely. I promise I’ll come back down too. Maybe I’ll even bring you something nice. Like a pretty bow or something. I know that you love ribbons and bows.” She winked at Alice.
The little girl giggled. “You’re just climbing it! You’re not going to go behind it! Where will you find a ribbon on a wall?”
Rita smiled and picked Alice up. "I'll get you the prettiest ribbon someday!" She shouted. She spun the young girl around and around, when finally, both of them collapsed in a messy heap.
Alice giggled as Rita kissed her nose. "That tickles!"
Jared, on the other hand, gagged. “Alright, alright. Are you gonna climb that damn wall or what, Rita?” He demanded. He wiped his nose again.
Rita glared at Jared but didn’t say anything. She jogged to the cracking wall. It was ridiculously tall, no doubt. Years of neglect left the wall to the mercy of the creeping ivy and the merciless weather. A rusting metal sign was nailed to it. “Cross not the wall, lest you be faced with the Fae.” Said the plate in fading letters. Rita paid no heed to the warning, however. “Hup!” She said as she grabbed the nearest ledge. The weak cement crumbled under her weight, leaving to stumble and land on her bottom.
Jared laughed and Alice ran over with tears in her eyes and started to fuss over Rita. “Are you hurt?! You promised Alice you wouldn’t be hurt!”
“Relax Alice, I’m not hurt at all. Just a little fall, nothing bad.” Rita stood up and dusted herself off. She patted Alice on the head and grabbed the edge of a large crack. Slowly but surely, she made her way up the wall, with Jared sneering, waiting for her to lose her footing and fall, and Alice watching, entranced, with her large, dark eyes.
The afternoon sun started to grow orange as it began to set. Rita's muscles screamed with each movement, but finally, she took a deep breath and hoisted herself to the summit of the wall after a climb that seemed to take forever. Jared’s face was a face of pure disbelief, and Alice’s face of raw, unadulterated admiration.
“I can’t believe she actually climbed it….” Jared’s voice seemed so distant.
“Rita did it!!” Alice cheered. “She did it, she did it…”
“Heh. I did it didn’t I? Eat your words Jared! And pay up my 5 coins!” Rita shouted triumphantly. She prepared herself to climb back down, but all of a sudden, the vine she was holding onto for support snapped and she was sent tumbling down the wall. On the other side.
The last thing she heard was Jared’s panicked screams and Alice wailing her name.
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125,041 Literary Works • 672,928 Reviews
Hey, this is really interesting and cool.
Grammatical Etc. errors:
I feel like this sentence would be just fine and even flow better is you took out a.
Here I think that you should add a between was and scrawny.
Here I think you should add an between like and ill.
Plot: This is a great start, you pull readers in with your descriptions at the beginning and then you go back and explain it, in a simple and uncomplicated way.
Descriptions: AMAZING! Truly this is extremely well done. You add them in skillfully while also giving us a complete picture.
Characters: So here we learn a little about the main character. She is a daredevil and loves to climb. We also learn about someone I think she really cares about (Alice).
Overall this was truly amazingly well written!
Good Luck and Keep Writing
Sláinte -Junel
P.S. Please PM me when you put the next chapter out. I would love to continue reading and reviewing your work.
Thanks for point out the errors! I made edits to them! Also thanks for reading the story. I am already working on the next chapter, so be sure to look forward to it!
Hello! I would like to start off my review by saying that I really liked this story. It has kept my interest through and through, most definitely, though I believe I should point out some things that bothered me, personally. Please bare with me; I'm on allergy medication that affects my focus because it makes me drowsy.
Let's go from the top down, shall we?
Now, the very first paragraph is fine. It's structured well and caught my interest almost instantaneously. However, the way you wrote some parts of it bothered me a little. For example, when I read the section toward the top when you were describing how she was reacting to being in this new world, I had a hard time imagining it because when you said that it was peaceful, I wasn't sure how to imagine it, despite how you described it in the first paragraph. It just didn't help me imagine it very well; Perhaps it would benefit to take out the part where you simply said it was peaceful and simply describe how it was peaceful without actually saying that it was.
The part in which Jared was interacting with Rita was okay, but I feel as though it would be better to not describe Jared all at once - my suggestion would be that as you describe his and Rita's interaction, you offer little pieces of information.
The part in which Alice and Rita are interacting is good. However, I would suggest describing the stone more, rather than just say it was dull-looking. Perhaps you could describe it using dull colors such as grey, or the like.
But what Rita says after that is a little strange to me, because of the punctuation; “Yeah. Definitely. I promise I’ll come back down too. Maybe I’ll even bring you something nice. Like a pretty bow or something. I know that you love ribbons and bows.”
The periods make it sound like she's abruptly stopping between each thing she says. I would suggest adding commas in some places, instead. The way I would have written it is; "Yeah, definitely. I promise I'll come back down, too. Maybe I'll even bring you something nice, like a pretty bow or something. I know how much you love ribbons and bows,"
That's just me, however. I apologize if I sound condescending.
Anyway - continuing on, I noticed that the next thing Rita says sounds a little off to me, as well. That being; "Ahhhh I'll get you the prettiest ribbon someday!"
It may be better to say that she sighed happily as she picked Alice up, before she says this. It just seems better that way.
In the next bit, I feel as though her interaction with Jared was a bit flat. When Jared demanded that she climb the wall, it felt almost as though Rita should've glared at him and told him to F off or something. I would also suggest describing the wall as something other than 'it was tall, no doubt'. Perhaps you could say, "The wall stretched to the sky like the glorious mountains to the east' or something.
As for the part where Rita goes, "Hup!" I feel as though it's a little...unnecessary. Perhaps you could describe it as; "She grunted as she grabbed a ledge in her attempt at climbing the stone giant." Though again, this is only my opinion.
As for describing Jared's reaction, perhaps you could describe it as 'His face morphed from that of confidence in Rita's failure to that of disbelief as her success' or something of the sort.
In describing how they speak, perhaps you could describe Jared as; "Jared's voice dimmed to a distant whisper" to better express his disbelief.
Otherwise, your writing was very good and I can see very much potential in you. Keep up the good work!
As an extra note - I'm sorry if this seemed overly critical. I didn't mean it that way, I'm simply a bit of a nitpicker. Either take my advice or don't; I just hoped it helped a little.
May the Maker be with you, Dear, and I hope you have very much success with your writing.
Thank you for your review! I've only started to write recently, and I wrote this story without any real planning; I literally wrote this off the top of my head while listening to some guitar music so I probably did miss out a lot of things that could potentially be better! Nevertheless, thank you very much for your review, it helped immensely and I will take your criticisms into account when working on my next chapter. Once again, thank you very much! It was very detailed and this helped a lot.