Two things are in a box
Humanity on the whole
And a camera
A simple camera
Picture your standard polaroid and there’s your camera
What’s the subject of this experiment
Are we the controlled or the variable
Well we’ll never know
The experiment begins too soon to show
The camera clicks once twice thrice
Delves deep into humanity’s soul
Pictures deftly through humanity’s ardor
Snapshots into humanity’s essence
Or presence probably presence
As our essence doesn’t go for much
We’re beautiful balls of fire
Dreadful kaleidoscopes of pain and passion
Putrid with power sacred with soliloquy
Dense with drama left with laughter’s loveliness lying lazily
Down the way of the weeping the weak the wasted by wickedness
Begging for a change
We’re tired
Can’t you see it
Eaten by hopes crushed too young and told to grow up
As infants we lie smothered in the dust of the older generations
Told the same things by their older generations
They too told the same things by their older generations
Again told the same things by tHE OLDER GENERATIONS
It’s a vicious cycle
Never ending never satisfied never amounting to anything
Full of hurt of loss of unfulfillment
Anxious every other step till we hit the grave
What we don’t measure up to we inflict upon our children
And expect them to carry the weight of our debts and desires
Tell them to grow up another minute sooner
How long
How long will it take before you and me watch him and her
Barely owning a first breath but already holding a briefcase
Full of shattered ambitions
Cursed to die slowly over a handful of torturous decades
Just waiting out the years till they can stop screaming internally
Till they can stop bleeding internally
Till they can stop counting every step every decision every moment internally
Till everything stops externally
This is where we’re headed
Somewhere superficially pleasant
But underneath millenia’s worth of rotten to the core
It’s overused over-trite over-finished
We’re overused over-trite over-finished
It’s nobody’s fault you know
I said it’s nobody’s fault you know
Well not entirely
History repeats itself
Are we clones or mere copies
We don’t want to be like the older we’s
Choking on their words and deeds
We look up to the stars for a reason you know
Longing for better
Longing for something new
Longing for a difference
A markéd difference
This is a call to difference
A difference I want to see
A difference I want to feel
A difference I want to hear to smell to taste
A difference I want to make
But not the difference
No not that kind of difference
No, not the difference I want to make alone.
.....
this was originally written in english 111 as a rap verse by someone who can't rap and sort of turned into beat poetry by someone who doesn't really write poetry so idk it's some form of beat poetic rant you decide :D
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139,481 Literary Works • 672,576 Reviews
Heyo, I thought I'd stop by to give you a review! C:
So I definitely relate to the whole sort of... bagage that gets past down through generations- or rather, expectations that get passed down. I think parents just want us to do better, and not make the same mistakes they made, and do the things they regret not doing.
I felt like here, after all the sort of abstracty, poetic ways of saying it, it felt a little abrupt to come right out and say exactly what the poem was about- within the poem. At the same time, I was thankful for it because it reminded me what the poem was about. But I think there shouldn't have to be a need to out-right say it like that- we should be getting what it's about based on the other information in the poem that more alludes to it, if that makes sense?
The other thing I noticed with this piece, was that I found the flow a bit choppy? Like I found myself stalling on lines, and then jerking forward, and then stalling again, etc! I mean, we all do it- flow can be hard to get right. But it's really important because that's what keeps people reading your poem; one word leads into the next, one line leads to the next, all the way to the end. But when the flow is off, it breaks up the reading, and it's easier for someone to stop reading. It's the same with art- you need the right elements to guide the viewer's eye around the piece, so that they'll actually stay looking at it for awhile. C: so a way to figure out if the flow of a piece is off, is simply by reading it out loud to yourself! You'd be surprised what you can discover by doing that.
I think a reason why the flow could be off, is perhaps because the poem is being pulled in two directions. As you mentioned, this is part rap, part poem- and I definitely could tell this had something like that going on from reading it. I think it needs a little more direction- and part of that might be picking one format or another! c:
In any case, I thought this was very thought provoking- which is definitely what I look for in a poem (or rap!), so kudos! C: keep it up!
-Holysocks
Thanks so much for the review! I do see what you mean by the abruptness of the quote. It wasn't exactly written in order, but that could probably have been placed higher up at the very least or like you said, omitted. I'll keep that in mind!
As for the flow, it was for the most part intentionally written choppy and uneven. There are definitely some areas where it could have been smoothed down but for the most part it was supposed to sound glitchy and interrupted to give off more of an emotional charge.
Again I'm glad you thought it worked and thank you!
henlo, this is jade back with another review.
this is actually the first review ive done in many months so bare with me, heh.
oh my goodness this is amazing. i dont know if you wrote this or somebody else did and you posted it but cudos. I actually loved some of the repetition because it made your point on history repeating itself. it shows lots of character and realistic ideas.
some of it didnt make sense to me but im also just confused in general but i did see what was happening.
i loved the ending when you repeated the words 'a difference i want'. it made it easier to imprint into our minds that we need to change and make a difference or else we will just repeating over, and over.
this poem had a few interruptions in the flow but it did help with the idea of humanity.
thank you for sharing this and i am looking forward to more of your work.
Thank you!! I did write it haha. Just a question, what part didn't make sense to you? I struggle with clarification occasionally and I would really like to know so I can work on it.
The interruptions were there on purpose to sort of idealize the brokenness of nature if that makes any sense. Like glitches in thought XD
Thanks so much for the kind comment!
I was actually really confused about the beginning and how it takes part in the piece. Could you kind of clue me in?
Oh sure! It's supposed to be representing the inside-the-box situation humanity has trapped itself in. This is put to test (or blind experiment) by the camera, which proves the problem by taking metaphorical moments in time (pictures), which is kinda talked about in the rest of the poem. I could have connected it better or just written it better so sorry for the confusion %uD83D%uDE02 I didn't really write it straight line by line so it's a bit woozy
That's alright!! I still thought it was really good.
'What we don’t measure up to we inflict upon our children
I like it.
And expect them to carry the weight of our debts and desires"
I can so relate.
Beautiful poem, by the way; I'll probably leave a review this sunday. Just wanted to say that these are some very beautiful lines.
Thank you so much!!! I'll be looking forward to it haha <3