Heyo, I thought I'd stop by to give you a review! C:
So I definitely relate to the whole sort of... bagage that gets past down through generations- or rather, expectations that get passed down. I think parents just want us to do better, and not make the same mistakes they made, and do the things they regret not doing.
What we don’t measure up to we inflict upon our children
And expect them to carry the weight of our debts and desires
I felt like here, after all the sort of abstracty, poetic ways of saying it, it felt a little abrupt to come right out and say exactly what the poem was about- within the poem. At the same time, I was thankful for it because it reminded me what the poem was about. But I think there shouldn't have to be a need to out-right say it like that- we should be getting what it's about based on the other information in the poem that more alludes to it, if that makes sense?
The other thing I noticed with this piece, was that I found the flow a bit choppy? Like I found myself stalling on lines, and then jerking forward, and then stalling again, etc! I mean, we all do it- flow can be hard to get right. But it's really important because that's what keeps people reading your poem; one word leads into the next, one line leads to the next, all the way to the end. But when the flow is off, it breaks up the reading, and it's easier for someone to stop reading. It's the same with art- you need the right elements to guide the viewer's eye around the piece, so that they'll actually stay looking at it for awhile. C: so a way to figure out if the flow of a piece is off, is simply by reading it out loud to yourself! You'd be surprised what you can discover by doing that.
I think a reason why the flow could be off, is perhaps because the poem is being pulled in two directions. As you mentioned, this is part rap, part poem- and I definitely could tell this had something like that going on from reading it. I think it needs a little more direction- and part of that might be picking one format or another! c:
In any case, I thought this was very thought provoking- which is definitely what I look for in a poem (or rap!), so kudos! C: keep it up!
-Holysocks
Points: 0
Reviews: 494
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