Hiya thar! Black here for a review.
First off, impressive piece you have here. Well written, emotional, interesting, with a good, good, good theme! You have a great style (A lot like mine)! Your theme: Fighting death is useless because it's always gonna come, was GREAT and well written! Your only weak spots are in Grammar and pacing.
But don't be discouraged, you really did good overall! The theme was especially nice. The plot and way you wrote it were both good as well.
So I'll just combine my comments on your grammar and plot into this:
I'll be doing a bit more nit-picking here than I usually do, but hey! We all have our all-out days! So, your general problem is in grammar misuse (Misuse of sentence structure and wording mainly). You also have a bit of a problem in that this is somewhere between a fable (it would make a great fable) and a story (that would be the pacing problems kicking in).
So general grammar mistakes first!
Everything was asleep except for Old Man Monkey, whom sat in his bed while staring with empty eyes at the equally empty white wall of his bedroom.
Besides the fact that quite generally speaking walls aren't really empty, you misused 'whom'. It's a monkey (Thinking being really) sitting here, you're using the wrong tense. Use 'who' instead.
Sweat trickled down his colorless, wrinkled forehead and his mouth hung open like a broken door, and produced the same creaking sound as well
Oooookay, your problem right here is really quite simple: You misused your 'and's's in the last sentence. Look at this . . . read it out loud to yourself. Does it sound wrong? I'd use something more along the lines of 'Sweat trickled down his colorless, wrinkled forehead. (Period instead of comma here helps with going along with your style) His mouth hung open like a broken door, creaking softly' . . . Technically speaking a broken door won't make any noise . . . Not by itself.
A lack of sleep had had an ill effect on the brain of Old Man Monkey, (who one should note has always been called this, even in youth) but recently it had begun to grow worse
Okay, remember here, a sentence in a parenthesis is like a whole separate sentence . . . separate from everything else! Remember that! Here, let me re-write the in parenthesis part for you (Properly) '(who, one should note, had always been called this, ever since his youth)'. Better? I hope so!
“I'm alive, I'm alive!” Shouted Old Man Monkey excitedly.
Okay, two problems I want to point out at this point. First off, you need to use a small 'S' on 'shouted', and second off, this is the spot where this starts to sound more like some kind of extended fable and less like some kind of really formal short-story.
Now really, I'm thinking that a 'fable' ranking would really fit this story better than anything else. Due to the centralized theme, the idea, and your style in writing it! . . .
Of course it may already be and I'm just making a fool of myself.
Anyway, I think that's it for this short review! I'll just give you a final high-five for an awesome fable and move out!
One last thing - Keep writing. (Remember: A writer advances through practice, you won't get anywhere without it - I wanna see a grammar-mistake-less fable from you one day
~Black~
Points: 11152
Reviews: 303
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