z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Old Man Monkey

by Dachmusen


It was early and the world outside was still gray and dim. Everything was asleep except for Old Man Monkey, whom sat in his bed while staring with empty eyes at the equally empty white wall of his bedroom. Old Man Monkey blinked once or twice and then took in a slow, revitalizing breath. Sweat trickled down his colorless, wrinkled forehead and his mouth hung open like a broken door, and produced the same creaking sound as well. 'I'm still alive' he thought to himself. He began to feel his body with his hands, making sure for certain that he was alive. He smiled once he was certain of his living state.

You see, Old Man Monkey had a crippling fear of death. He woke up in sweats every morning of every day uncertain of whether he was alive or dead. He slept very little because of this crippling phobia; he was always worried that he would die in his sleep. A lack of sleep had had an ill effect on the brain of Old Man Monkey, (who one should note has always been called this, even in youth) but recently it had begun to grow worse. His condition was worsening. In his attempt to fight off death by never closing his eyes, Old Man Monkey was killing himself.

And here he sat in his bed on a lonely, gray morning in amazement at his survival.

“I'm alive, I'm alive!” Shouted Old Man Monkey excitedly. His fur was warm and soothing, and the old monkey grew comfort from it's feeling. His heart beat quickly, pulsating in a frantic and erratic manner. “I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm ali-” his voice shifted from a soothing old tone to a hoarse croak. Old Man Monkey sat for a moment like a statue with his hands outstretched to the ceiling, his eyes wide and bloodshot, as if mesmerized by the appearance of God.

Perhaps he had saw God.

Without a single sound Old Man Monkey's corpse slumped back onto his pillow and bed sheets. His eyes were still wide, a trickling stream of bright crimson blood flowing out of them. You could see the surprise on the old monkey's face. You could call it ironic, or poetic or symbolic but it wasn't. Outside, the wind blew and the sun rose.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
303 Reviews


Points: 11152
Reviews: 303

Donate
Mon May 20, 2013 6:48 pm
View Likes
StoneHeart wrote a review...



Hiya thar! Black here for a review.

First off, impressive piece you have here. Well written, emotional, interesting, with a good, good, good theme! You have a great style (A lot like mine)! Your theme: Fighting death is useless because it's always gonna come, was GREAT and well written! Your only weak spots are in Grammar and pacing.

But don't be discouraged, you really did good overall! The theme was especially nice. The plot and way you wrote it were both good as well.

So I'll just combine my comments on your grammar and plot into this:

I'll be doing a bit more nit-picking here than I usually do, but hey! We all have our all-out days! So, your general problem is in grammar misuse (Misuse of sentence structure and wording mainly). You also have a bit of a problem in that this is somewhere between a fable (it would make a great fable) and a story (that would be the pacing problems kicking in).

So general grammar mistakes first!

Everything was asleep except for Old Man Monkey, whom sat in his bed while staring with empty eyes at the equally empty white wall of his bedroom.


Besides the fact that quite generally speaking walls aren't really empty, you misused 'whom'. It's a monkey (Thinking being really) sitting here, you're using the wrong tense. Use 'who' instead.

Sweat trickled down his colorless, wrinkled forehead and his mouth hung open like a broken door, and produced the same creaking sound as well


Oooookay, your problem right here is really quite simple: You misused your 'and's's in the last sentence. Look at this . . . read it out loud to yourself. Does it sound wrong? I'd use something more along the lines of 'Sweat trickled down his colorless, wrinkled forehead. (Period instead of comma here helps with going along with your style) His mouth hung open like a broken door, creaking softly' . . . Technically speaking a broken door won't make any noise . . . Not by itself.

A lack of sleep had had an ill effect on the brain of Old Man Monkey, (who one should note has always been called this, even in youth) but recently it had begun to grow worse


Okay, remember here, a sentence in a parenthesis is like a whole separate sentence . . . separate from everything else! Remember that! Here, let me re-write the in parenthesis part for you (Properly) '(who, one should note, had always been called this, ever since his youth)'. Better? I hope so!

“I'm alive, I'm alive!” Shouted Old Man Monkey excitedly.


Okay, two problems I want to point out at this point. First off, you need to use a small 'S' on 'shouted', and second off, this is the spot where this starts to sound more like some kind of extended fable and less like some kind of really formal short-story.

Now really, I'm thinking that a 'fable' ranking would really fit this story better than anything else. Due to the centralized theme, the idea, and your style in writing it! . . .

Of course it may already be and I'm just making a fool of myself.

Anyway, I think that's it for this short review! I'll just give you a final high-five for an awesome fable and move out!

One last thing - Keep writing. (Remember: A writer advances through practice, you won't get anywhere without it - I wanna see a grammar-mistake-less fable from you one day ;)


~Black~




Dachmusen says...


I've never been so stellar with grammar. Thank you for reading and I'll be sure to consider your advice.



User avatar
72 Reviews


Points: 2047
Reviews: 72

Donate
Mon May 20, 2013 12:47 pm
View Likes
GrapeNerd wrote a review...



Hello, this is a review if you haven't figured it out yet. :P

For starters, this was very good, I did not detect any errors. Though, I do think you should add in a bit more detail, but it's fine the way it is. I have a question, is Old Man Monkey a real monkey or is it just his name? Second, I love the way you kind of made the world outside dim and gray when he was alive, and bright and happy when he died. I find it quite amazing how you wrote this. How his fear soon took over his life. Keep writing! This is amazing!
Welcome to YWS
GrapeNerd




Dachmusen says...


I suppose he's a real monkey man ha. Thank you for reading friend.




There has never been a sadness not cured by breakfast food.
— Ron, Parks & Rec