Young Writers Society

Thome---what a great name, Thome, Thome, Thome… (sorry, it’s late)

First of all, this is good. I love the “flowing description.”

Two things bugged me---the sweat on his arm (I don’t know where you’re from, but my arms don’t exactly sweat like that… my armpits sweat, and my back, but not my arms) and the green ice cream part. It does not seem to me like this would be the sort of world where ice cream can be conveniently used as a metaphor… not to mention that marshes aren’t exactly evocative of “green ice cream,” in my opinion anyways.

Those are just minor though, the biggest problem that I had with this is that it is so short! Short stories are, by nature, short… but I’ve read some that could have been considered a short novel. That being said, I think you should expand on this. Right now, it reads more like lyrical poetry than a narrative… I would suggest adding some conflict in there, that’s what makes a story a story after all. I was also disappointed with the ending: it fell flat. There is a surreal element here, you could do so much more. I was hoping for a more haunting end, something that would be memorable and encapsulating of the piece as a whole.

This piece could be excellent, it just needs… more. As is, it’s missing. Like an old over-turned canoe lying outcast on the shore of a marsh.

-ED

Him this is very interesting. I like the way you wrote this little story here. Very nice I must say. I see no flaws, which is great of corse! Also I have no concerns here, which is also great. Keep up the great work!

This is really good. I have one thing though.

It is: Small droplets of sweat trickled down his arms and he breathed in low, hoarse manner.

I think it should be: Small droplets of sweat trickled down his arms and he breathed in a low, hoarse manner.

Other then that its really good, almost sad. It gives me a feeling of sadness in it.

Other then that I really liked it! It was neat and cool.

Thanks,
pegasusgirl2