(I have been working on this for a while, there's a lot more but I just wanted to get a reading before I keep going. Please, tell me your thoughts!)
Elrand was standing in an alley concealed in shadows awaiting his contact. Elrand was about twenty years old, stood about 6’3 and was somewhat thin. He had brown hair that hung over his murky brown eyes like a curtain. Elrand was half human and half elf and physically there was nothing significant about his appearance. To humankind he was completely normal but to elves he was feared; they could sense the evil and darkness that was within him. The feeling left an impression on them that marked him immediately. He was Elrand Reatori, “The Runaway,” and “The One Who Should Not Be.” To most people he was nothing but a rumor or a ghost and he really didn't care. He never stayed in one place very long because the world was not safe for him and never had been. Elrand’s thoughts drifted. Where is my contact? He asked himself growing impatient with waiting. He began to pace up and down the alley until a sound caught his attention. He moved swiftly and soundlessly to the wall. There was a man walking towards him. Elrand sent a pulse out to check for magic and it returned. There was magic but best of all he knew exactly what kind. It was illusion magic; whoever was approaching didn't want their identity to be known. It was a common practice among lesser magicians and a very mediocre spell. This one was especially weak and the appearance the approaching chose to take was dreadful. The spell made him look rather short with jet-black hair and brown eyes. His clothes were battered and ripped and the man appeared to have been beaten recently, cuts and bruises still visible. Elrand was curious. He mumbled a short phrase and almost immediately the illusion of the man faded to reveal a young woman. The woman, seemingly not surprised at her blown cover, continued walking toward him. She was wearing decent clothing, unlike the illusion, consisting of a blue, collared shirt and blue pants to match. Elrand stepped out of the shadows and smiled nearly scaring the woman.
“Who are you?” Elrand asked.
“Ah, you’re reputation precedes you, Master Elrand.” She replied.
“So I hear,” he said,” that’s not always a good thing, but I’m sure you've heard that part as well.”
“Yes, we have. That is why we have asked you to come here today.” She stated.
“What do you want with me?” Elrand responded.
“Very well, we know you’re a mercenary. Correct?” She asked and paused.
Elrand nodded, “Not the most prestigious occupation but I find that it pays well and it’s something that comes easy to me.” He finished with a smirk that was almost threatening.
“We need you to find and-“She paused trying to think of a more polite word, “Dispose of someone.” She said rather slyly, “His name is Charlie Nitta and the last we heard he was somewhere in the snow-woodland.”
"Is there any particular reason for it?" He asked.
"Let's just say, he is a problem."
Elrand was confused. “Why me? There are plenty of people you could hire to kill this man. What was his name? Charlie?”
“No. No one else is qualified. Even you may find it difficult. He has many that are loyal to him and they all hold some sort of power. Only you have the ability to judge them accordingly. The fact that he can keep them all under his control only stresses the extent of his power.” She finished.
“I see. So let me get this straight. You expect me to sneak into a magic infested community and assassinate their leader whose powers are unknown and escape? You’re insane. That would be suicide,” he said knowing it was a lie. He’d been given many jobs like this in his past.
She smiled, “If you succeed, you are to bring back proof. I will be here every day at noon for the next week. You will receive payment upon your return.” She said.
“I’ll do my best” He said and turned away.
“That’s why we picked you. You always do and always succeed.” She said with a smile as he walked away.
Elrand disappeared around the corner without a sound and started walking down the street dodging glances from the townspeople. He never was a very social person; he grew up alone and was used to it. There were very few people he talked to, not by choice, but because everyone he was close to ended up hurt somehow so he just distanced himself. It was safer that way. He walked down the street passing several small cottages and some more Victorian style homes. He walked on and the longer he walked the worse the surroundings became. He looked around him and saw nothing out of the ordinary just a couple of kids play fighting with sticks and a couple of old men arguing. The buildings around here were all dilapidated for the most part. Everyone was either engrossed in poverty or just didn’t care. All of the more “proper” humans lived on the other side of Henningway in their big luxury houses. In comparison they made this side of town look like trash but in actuality, the better of the people lived here. He turned back to look forward and saw a tavern sign reading “The Western Lodge” and exhaled a sigh of relief. He walked the rest of the way to the door, glanced over his shoulder and walked into the tavern.
The tavern was very dimly lit, a few candles being the only source of light in the room. He could smell the ale and hear the drunken dwarves in the back corner yelling at one another. He turned and walked up the stairs near the door. After reaching the top he turned the corner and almost knocked over a dwarf who was still drowsy from his nap; the imprints from his pillow and cot still visible on his face. He walked past the small man and preceded down the corridor to the last door. He turned the handle and walked in. The room was filled with meager accommodations but he had definitely been in better furnished inns. He looked to a wardrobe in the corner and walked to it. He fumbled with the handle for a second to find it was locked just as it had been when he left.
“Hatera.” He mumbled and the doors swung open. He reached in and pulled out a black cloak and quickly putting it on. He reached back in and retrieved a sword. The sword was easily five feet long and had rubies imbued in its hilt that began to glow as he touched the handle. He strapped it across his back and reached back into the wardrobe and retrieved a bow. The bow was made of cherry wood and was flawlessly crafted. The bow also had rubies imbedded into its design and, like the sword; they glowed at his touch. He shut the wardrobe, turned and walked out of the room. He headed back down the hall and down the steps. He walked into main lobby of the tavern and the two dwarves were no longer arguing but the smell of ale was still dominant. Elrand turned and walked out the door. He took a right and headed down the street. The contact said the snow-woodlands. He hadn’t been there in years and was unaware that anyone even lived there.
Elrand walked for a couple hours twisting and turning through alleys and between buildings before he finally reached the forest’s edge. He glanced at the sky and decided there was about three hours or so of daylight left. So he went into the forest. He could smell the different trees and hear all of the animals and birds. He used to walk in the forest quite often; it was a getaway for him. The forest was the one place the he could go and feel safe. The animals could sense the power about him but didn’t care and he enjoyed the quiet all the same. He stepped into the forest and sent out a pulse. The pulse returned faintly, forewarning him of a weak, magical presence nearby. He trudged on. Out of the corner of his eye he saw an owl sitting on a tree branch staring at him. He smiled and moved on.
He walked for an hour or so jumping over fallen trees and enjoying the view. He was about halfway through the forest before he felt something. Whatever it was had been following him for a few minutes now. He had ignored it but now it seemed to be getting closer. He sent out a pulse. Nothing returned. Whatever it was seemed of no threat to him; however, the pulse found something ahead of him. Someone had magic. He didn’t know what kind yet, but it was there. He kept moving knowing the creature still followed him. He was more curious about whoever was ahead of him. He was moving quicker than before and the creature behind him also quickened. He was close. He could feel the power in the area but now he felt more creatures closing in on him. What is all this? He asked himself. He heard a noise behind him and turned to meet the glare of a wolf. There’s just one? Where’s its pack? He asked, remembering the other creatures. The wolf let out a growl and bared its teeth creeping closer and closer. Amazing! Elrand thought. Animals could generally sense the power in him and would stay away but this one stayed to challenge him?
Elrand stood where he was glaring right back into the eyes of the approaching wolf. There was nothing different about it; it was a normal wolf. Why did it stay? His thoughts were interrupted. The wolf jumped at him. The wolf’s jaw was snapping as it sailed through the air. Elrand did not move, did not flinch but watched the wolf fly toward him. When it was within feet of Elrand’s face and aura erupted from his chest and surrounded him completely. The wolf hit the aura and reflected off immediately flying several feet in the opposite direction before colliding with a tree. The animal stood back up seemingly untouched. Elrand was amazed, not only was the animal still coming after him, it was still able to move after hitting the tree. It began circling him again and Elrand retrieved the sword from his back; the handle glowing lightly at his touch. He watched the wolf carefully waiting for it to jump again and just as it seemed the creature wouldn't, it did. As it soared through the air again Elrand waited. When it was almost on top of him he lifted his sword to meet the beast in the air. It fell to the ground in a lifeless heap. He wiped the blade and moved on. He was close. Whoever it was couldn't be very far ahead now. He jumped over another fallen tree and caught himself with a hand. He felt the other creatures close to him. He could almost feel them breathing.
Elrand made it into a clearing and stood still. He sent out a pulse, the magic was close. Who is it? What is it? He wondered. A half a dozen wolves crept from behind the trees; their teeth were bared ready to strike. The magic was close and undeniably human. It wasn't a powerful kind of magic but it was close. The wolves began circling him and he was surprised. The only one that even stood a chance was hiding in the trees.
“Coward, I know you’re there. Come on out and save your pets. Could you really watch them all die?” He said coldly. A wolf lunged at him and missed. Elrand ducked as two more lunged forward and collided with one another with a howl and hit the ground. He drew his sword and swung at the closest wolf but it was already moving away. He swung the sword a few more times before finally landing a clean hit. The stricken wolf whimpered and crawled away. “Fine, I’ll make you come out,” he taunted as he retrieved the bow and a single arrow from his back. He pointed the bow and arrow into the air.
“Valto-ecas!” He hissed and released the arrow. It soared into the air and out of sight. He laughed as a low humming sound grew louder and louder. In a matter of seconds the arrow came smashing down. It hit a tree with enough force that it split in half with a thunderous blast. A dust cloud materialized as the tree struck the ground. Splintered bits of the destroyed and lifeless tree flew in all directions. From somewhere within the dusty mass came the leaping figure of a girl. She was wearing torn shorts with a shirt that was clearly too small for her and a black bracelet with unknown symbols on them. She had long blonde hair with brown tips and crystal blue eyes. Elrand noticed something about her. There was a strange wildness in her eyes. The girl jumped onto the fallen tree and leaned against a sycamore.
“I wondered if you were still here,” Elrand smiled at her softly. The girl moved forward a few steps and threw several knives toward him. Elrand held his clenched hand up in the air mumbling under his breath. He loosened his grip and the knives reversed direction and gained speed. The girl’s eyes widened as she jumped frantically out of the way. The knives hit the sycamore almost burying them completely. “So,” Elrand asked,”who are you?” She landed on a tree limb about nine feet in the air.
“My name is Alice Nitta and you are trespassing.” Alice replied.
“Me? No, I’m afraid you must be mistaken. I am only passing through.” Elrand said with a crooked smile.
“You’re a liar and I know why you’re here. I cannot allow it.” Alice said.
“Well, I’m a liar and you’re a fool. There is no way you can stop me. I suggest you leave soon.” Elrand said replacing the bow across his back. He watched her and waited. He could see the anger in her eyes and wondered what she might do.
“I don’t think I’m going to leave. I cannot allow you to get to him.” She said at last.
“Him? Who is this?” He answered.
“You think I’m a fool? Quit playing games with me. We both know who!” She screamed. Elrand looked at her hands. She was clenching her fists so tightly they were turning white from lack of blood flow. He smiled at her. “What? Did you lose your tongue?”
“No child, my tongue is where is has been.” He continued looking at her. He eyed her up and down. She seemed helpless but the magic was still there; he could feel it. She noticed him studying her and jumped a little to the left testing him. That jump was all it took. The magic was on her wrist. A small black beaded bracelet. It had symbols engraved in each bead. They were too far for him for him to read but when she jumped the symbols gave a vibration. He wondered if she even knew they were magic. “Nice bracelet.” He said without thinking.
“Thanks?” She answered.
“Where did you get it?” He asked with his gaze still transfixed on the bracelet.
“My sister, now quit eyeballing it. Leave now!” she hissed with her fists still clenched. Blood was dripping from her hands.
“I’m afraid that won’t happen. You see, I am enjoying my walk and for me to leave,” he smiled, “well, that would just take away all of my enjoyment. The trees soothe me. You are only in the way. So, you see, Alice, I will not be going anywhere.” He said shrugging his shoulders. The girl growled again, more savagely than before. The wolves returned.
“You had your chance. Now, I will kill you.” She replied. He saw something different. The wildness he had seen before. It was almost as if it was alive. The thought made him laugh and the thought that he, even for a second, thought it was a threat, well, that made him laugh even louder.
The wolves came at him again; one after another they lunged at him. Each one was stopped by the aura. Each one were hitting and bouncing off with small whimpers. Elrand, sword now in hand, began swinging at the beasts. Their numbers were growing. There seemed to be at lease thirty of them now but he knew they couldn't bother him. He lashed out, one time after another, swinging and occasionally hitting a wolf. Elrand was growing bored with the wolves. He held out his hand and mumbled and, at the sound of his voice, blue lightening shot from his hand hitting three wolves. The others stopped their assault. They crouched and then turned away and ran.
Alice, still standing motionless, was stunned. She opened her mouth to speak but, from where Elrand was, the words seemed to escape her. She jumped into the clearing. “Who. . .”
“Oh, you can speak.” Elrand interrupted. She didn't answer. She just backed away from him, his aura slowly dissipating. Elrand wondered what was going through her mind. She jumped into the air somewhere behind her and disappeared. “You’re going to make this fun!” He said with a crooked smile. He looked around him but saw nothing. He listened but heard nothing. Did she leave? He asked himself. He placed his sword on his back again and began walking away. Looking every few steps to try and trace her escape. He finally found it about fifty yards from the clearing. There was a broken bush and part of her ripped clothes in it. Well, she must have been in a hurry, he thought.
He found her trail with ease and began following it. He followed the scattered footsteps and broken branches for an hour before he could here her in front of him. It was already getting dark but he knew he would catch her before the day’s light faded completely. He walked slower now. Alice must be tiring. He thought to himself. Her pace was slowing rapidly and he could hear her hitting bushes and panting in the distance. Suddenly, Elrand lifted off the ground flailing. His sword came unsheathed and hit the ground. What in the world is going on? He struggled to get loose and couldn't Something bound his feet and he couldn't reach it. He thought about using magic but there was the chance that he would hit himself as well. He couldn't risk that; he had a job to finish.
“I knew you were following me.” Came Alice’s voice. She was standing several feet away from him crouched on the front of her feet and arms crossed over her knees.
“Well, you ran off. I couldn't just let you walk away like that.” He said with a shrug.
“You might have been better off leaving like I told you.” She said. Elrand’s mind was blacking out. He couldn't think strait. He blinked repeatedly and Alice smiled at noticing it. “The wire is coated in poison. It’s not the kind of poison to kill you in ten minutes either. I give you until morning. If, by some strange reason, you are still alive I will let you down and take you to Charlie. He will finish you.”
“Charlie? So, what exactly can he do to me?” Elrand questioned. This was what he was waiting for. He finally had a chance to learn something about him. Elrand wondered what kind of poison this was on the wires binding his feet. He had encountered many in his line of work and if this wasn't going to kill him soon he had enough time to question her.
“He can do many things. Things that even you may find intriguing,” she paused, “How did you do that trick back there?” She asked him.
“What trick?” he asked.
“The lightning thing. How did you do that?”
“That was nothing. Its really not that complicated to anyone smart enough to use it.” He said with the hopes of provoking her. It was working. Her fists shook with anger and annoyance.
“Last I checked you’re hanging from your toes, so shut up! You have no right to blab about intelligence.” She answered.
“Well,” he shrugged, “I doubt I will be up here long. I never did like climbing trees much.”
“You can try getting down if you like. I would stick around and watch but it would become very boring. You cannot get down.”
“You sound so sure of yourself. Have you tried everything?” he asked. She didn't answer. She acted almost as if the question surprised her. He looked at her expectantly waiting for a response. He didn't really care whether or not she answered, he decided, he was only buying some time. Every extra minute with her was another opportunity to gain information on Charlie and with his lack of it he was still blind at entering the camp.
She finally broke the silence, “I have never been inside of my own traps but no one else has gotten down. You would be surprised at the things I have seen them try.” She said.
“How do you know I won’t try something different? You know everyone has different ideas on the matter. The only problem is, the one you fixed, time. I have more than enough time to figure something out since you were so lenient with your choice in poison.” He said. “There are a lot of things about me that you would do good to know. You think I’m a fool? You think I didn't know what I was up against out here? I am far from that which you believe. You saw me do the simplest of things, a little lightening, and you get scared and run off. I have more power than you believe, not by choice but it is part of who I am and I live with that. I was sent here, but you knew that didn't you? I will find my way down from here, do what I came to do, and, if I find you, kill you after I am finished.” She made no attempt at an answer. Elrand wondered what she was thinking. He looked away from her and up at his ankles again. He pulled one leg a little toward him testing the strength of the rope.
“I don’t believe a word you said, no one knew we were out here. Charlie picked this forest because it was used in ancient times. He said no one could track us. We have lived here for years and until a few months ago he was completely at ease. He said someone was watching us, not strait forth but he hinted around at it. Since then, others and I have patrolled the woods daily watching and waiting but hoping that Charlie was wrong. I don’t know how he knew he was being watched, but the fact is he was right. You showed up and that proves he was right. He said he only noticed one person in the forest. He said that we had nothing to worry about, that we were not in danger at the time, but that he wanted us to stay vigilant nonetheless. You showing up proved him wrong. You are dangerous.” She said pausing to catch her breath. “He told us not to worry, but if we hadn't he might not be around right now. If we had not been patrolling all of the time you would've made it right into right into the city. You’d have been surprised when you arrived but you would've had a chance to do what you came to do. You are in the tree right now and I have no magic. Many others in the city do have magic, the fact that I caught you only goes to show you must not be all that great. The ones with magic would feel you breathing, feel the beating of your heart before you were close, and some would even be able to mess with your mind. They can make you do things to yourself, horrible things, that would only save them from doing it to you themselves. You would be no better off there than you are in that tree.”
“Maybe you should have heeded his words. He sounds like a smart man.” Elrand said.
“You-you arrogant-” she cut herself off and stormed off.
“Bye.” Elrand mumbled. He could feel her leaving. She was running. She had to be from what he was feeling. Elrand was satisfied; she was gone. He thought for a while he could never get her to leave. He had already had all the time he needed. This time, he thought, she won’t get away. He slowed his breathing and focused. He pointed his hands in the air and toward his feet. While Alice was babbling he had been testing the wires to different types of spells. Most, he found, just bounced off and had no effect. There was one, as much as he hated it, which did not. The very same magic that made him a danger to everyone around him. Dark magic. He was born with it, his father hadn’t had it to his knowledge but he had been born with it regardless. Magic was usually inherited through the parents. Dark magic was exceedingly rare in these times. Hardly anyone with it ever seemed to live past his or her teenage years. The magic devoured them. Elrand, on the other hand, had had some assistance with the problems the magic brought on.
He felt his chest and closed his eyes as a leaf was falling to the ground before him. Everything seemed to be in order. He calmed his mind as he had done countless times before. It was void of everything but the task at hand. Freedom. He let the word pulse in his mind and the power inside rose from everywhere all at once. He lifted his eyelids and glanced at the band on his ankles. He lifted his hands back toward his feet and he could feel the power course through his body. He focused on one clenched hand and he felt the power drifting to one side. He opened his hand, slowly at first, and released the power toward his ankle. The force was there almost instantly, the leaf still in front of his face. The impact of the magic on the bond was loud. A skin-crawling crack could be heard as the force collided, undoubtedly heard for a long way off. As the bond loosened he fell free to the ground and soundlessly was on his feet.
“I told you, stupid girl.” He murmured brushing off the dust from his cloak. He leaned over and picked up his sword and replaced it in its sheath. His ankle was tingling from the poison but wasn’t slowing him down yet. He knew the only way to finish this was to move quickly before it finally set in. He started off in the direction after Alice. He took a few minutes watching the path for more of her traps and to make sure he was on the right path. Elrand found signs of her being close ahead in no time; she was taking her time for sure. She must have really thought he wouldn’t be getting free. He moved faster looking around at the trees and surroundings. He hopped over a fallen tree and carried on. The sound of running water filled his ear as his chase continued. As he listened and came closer to his target he could hear the sound of her snapping branches under her feet.
Moments later he found her at last. Smiling, Elrand, darted to the side of her to work his way around. I'll show you a real trap he said to himself. When he knew he had enough time he stopped moving and listened. She was just far enough away he could tell her direction. He kneeled to the ground and dragged his fingers through the ground making different rune patterns while mumbling a small unaudible chant. The runes began to glow and started to expand and grow. Elrand stood and took a few steps back still focused on his chant. Finally, the runes faded and disappeared leaving no signs. He wandered a good deal forward and sat down to wait.
He watched and waited as she grew closer. She was almost to him and he knew this would work. She wasn't the target and he didnt want to kill her if he didn't have to. She finally cleared the treeline and walked over the runed ground. As soon as she hit the middle an earthen arm sprung up and grabbed her leg causing her to scream. Immediately after a second arm came and grabbed her other leg holding her to the ground. As she tried freeing herself the ground turned to quicksand under her feet and she began sinking into the ground. She screamed and yelled to make it stop and he just watched and waited. Finally, he stepped out to walk to her. The ground had consumed up to her waist by this point.
“Stop it! Make it stop!” she begged him as soon as she saw him.
“It won't kill you, don't struggle. It's useless,” he replied.
“How did you get out of that?”
“I told you you have no idea what you're up against with me. I also told you I would be free.” He stopped moving toward her and waited. She was speechless and didn't reply. He turned and started walking away. “I'll come see you on my way back.” He turned his head to the sky, the sun almost set, then to her and carried on. She started yelling at him but he paid her no attention.
With then sun completely set and the moon overhead the forest grew silent making his journey more relaxing. It was almost completely carefree with the exception of the poison's searing pain still coursing through his legs. He knew he had to figure out what she used but the assignment came first as always. Walking, he heard noise in front of him. Quietly he stepped up near the trees and peered around. There it was, he'd finally found the city. Torches burned up and down the streets as well as candlelight burning in the buildings and cottages. He went to step around the tree and an arrow ripped into the tree only inches from him.
“Try anything and the next one will not miss,” said another woman. “Charlie would like to speak to you. Come with me, please.”
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Good story, very intriguing, very long! Lol. But it's good because it shows you have the gumption to stick at your projects. One thing that really stood out was your use of character names, Elrand particularly. You start quite a few sentences and speech responses in this way and the repetition notices. This takes away from the natural reading of the piece. Try and throw in some different word: adjectives and adverbs to cut down on the number of times you refer to your character names.
See: 'Elrand was standing...'
'Elrand was about...'
'Elrand was half...'
Other than that, you clearly have a very good imagination and a talent for writing. Good job.
Oh, there's a LOT more.. I honestly didn't realize how much I posted until after I published it. I do apologize.
No need. It's nice to see someone so enthusiastic, with such a well thought out idea it can be HUGE. Make it an epic novel. Literally.
Hi there,DKChris.Have a good day,so here I am to make my review on your story.
First of all,I love your story here.I really enjoy reading fantasy stories especially about magic.When I read your novel, I realized that you did not specify the exact title here. I hope you can give the title so that the reader knows what the story behind it.When moves into a story, I was surprised and impressed with your imaginations. Your story has a very interesting plot and organized.
But at the beginning of your story seemed a little puzzling to me;
#To most people he was nothing but a rumor or a ghost and he really didn't care. He never stayed in one place very long because the world was not safe for him and never had been.'-->why do people assume him as a ghost of rumor?
He is a half human and half elf,right?And he is a mercenary-I like the concept here.But I think,it will be more easy to understand if you give prologue in this novel.
In overall,I like how the story goes on and I am excited to read what will happen to the next chapter soon^^.
Keep writing and reviewing in YWS!
_Kudos
~DarkKnight.
The Necromancers Moon is the title. This also isn't all of the chapter, it's about half of it. His background is revealed shortly after this cuts off so I never thought about maybe throwing some in sooner. I'll go back and add something to it! Thank you very much.