Prologue
The sun was burning golden orange as large as the three men gazed upon the lands. Everything was quiet and they basked in it in silence for several minutes before the first finally spoke, “It's so quiet. You know what that means?”
“No, Marcel, what does that mean?” Percy answered.
“It means we have finally broken the limits of my old lady's roar.” He joked causing the other two to laugh uncontrollably. After several moments the three finally calmed back down and continued to stare about.
“I think we're lucky.” Jack said.
“Oh, why do you say that?” Marcel looked over to him to see him grinning.
“We get paid for this. Every day we do the same thing. We come out here, sit, and joke around. I'm, for one, glad I enlisted in scout training instead of basic infantry.” He looked at the other two, “I'm glad I got you two as partners, too. You're like brothers that I never had.” He finished with a smile.
“Well,” Percy reached over and grabbed him on the shoulder. “I'd not trade you two for anything but you both should know. If my wife has her way, when my little one is born, she will need me at home for a while. You both have to make sure no one fills my spot while I'm away.”
“We know. You know that won't happen” Marcel said as he jerked his head around the other way. “Did you guys hear that?”
“Hear what?” Percy asked.
“Over there,” Marcel said while still staring. “I heard something over there.”
“I didn't hear anything. It was probably just the wind or a bird in the tree besides no one comes out here. That's why we picked this place.” Jack said.
“I'm telling you! I heard something!” Marcel glared at them. “I know the difference in wind and what isn't.” He finished. He drew his sword and started walking in the direction of his noise.
“Marcel, wait!” Percy yelled but he didn't listen. Percy looked over at Jack and nodded. They drew swords and ran to catch up to Marcel. Marcel signaled the for silence just before they caught up.
“Wait here,” he said creeping forward. He weaved in and out of the trees searching. I know I'm not crazy, he thought to himself. Percy and Jack too had begun searching for whatever made the noise. None of the them having any more luck.
“Marcel, I really don't think there is any-”
“There was something here! It wasn't the wind or a bird. It was too loud!” He yelled.
“He's right.” Jack said ushering them to him. “These boot treads. Those are ours,” He said pointing to another set. “These don't match. Someone else was here.”
“I was just over here! How did I miss that?” Percy said tapping himself on the head.
“It's an easy pass. We were looking for an animal or person. Jack was looking for clues.” Marcel answered. “Who is out here?” He said loudly.
“Oh, come on Marcel, you know that never works.” Percy said half jokingly.
“It was worth a shot. Jack-” The sound of scared horses cut him off. 'The horses!” He yelled and ran back toward the post they were tied to. Stumbling out of the trees the three of them arrived just in time to see the horses run right by them. “No!”
“Marcel look!” Percy yelled pointing. At the other end of his gaze was a man in a strange black suit of armor with a crest on it's chest that none of them recognized.
“In the name of the king, remove your helmet and reveal yourself!” Marcel ordered. He studied the man. His helmet was an old and out-dated single piece. The whole suit was painted black and the helmet had a red stripe going through its middle. “I said remove the helmet and identify yourself!” He repeated angrily.
“Marcel, what do we do? We have no horses.” Jack questioned. The man in the armor began moving toward them.
“Halt!” Percy exclaimed uselessly as the man kept walking. The unknown foe reached to his waist and drew his blade. “Drop your weapon at once!” He yelled while staring at the weapon. It was an odd blade. It was made of a red metal that he'd also never before seen. “Marcel, Jack look at that sword! What is it?”
“I'm not sure,” Marcel finally said breaking his silence, “but it bears the same crest on it's hilt as his armor. There's no running boys and he doesn't look to be stopping. Ready?” He asked looking at them. The two of them nodded. “Then let's go!” The three men charged at the enemy as one.
Marcel took the first swing and the man used his arm to hold off the blow. What the- The man kicked Marcel with enough force to send him flying several feet back and took a swing of his own at the other two. Jack jumped out of the way and cleared himself of the danger. Percy, still bewildered at the force of the mans kick, jumped but not quick enough. The mans blade caught him and gashed open his arm causing him to howl in pain and fall to the ground. The other two sprang into action to defend him immediately.
“Come on, Percy, get-” The man blade came down once more, blocked by Jack this time. “up.”
“It's burning, sir! Something is on his blade!” Percy cried looking at his arm. Jack and Marcel took turns blocking the mans vicious swings. All Percy could hear was the echo of the steel clashing in his head.
“Percy! Stay with me, Percy! Jack we have to do something. We can only hold this for so long!” Marcel ordered.
“I know, sir.” Jack stood and leaned toward Percy. “You'll be alright, stay with us!” Jack picked up Percy and the three started toward the trees. “I have an idea.” He said sitting Percy down by the first tree. He turned and ran into the forest.
“Jack, what are you doing? Get back here!” Marcel demanded but he was answered only by another and more powerful swing. The swing hit his blade and knocked it from his hand sending it too far away to retrieve. He turned and ran for Percy. The foe followed still. Marcel reached down and struggled trying to pick up Percy. “Come on, lets go. Can you stand?”
“Maybe, sir. Everything hurts.. his sword... Don't let it touch you.” Percy muttered and flopped back down to the ground. “I'm sorry. I can't stand. I can't feel my legs.”
“He's right behind us, you have to try again. I can't leave-”
“Ah!” Jack yelled and fell from the tree. Jack's sword going into the mans helmet from above. The armor crumbled into a heap on the ground.
“Jack! You did it!” Marcel exclaimed. “You could have at least hinted at the plan!”
“Well, it worked. He said. “Didn't it?” He laughed and smiled as he pulled the sword from the fallen foe.
“Jack!” Marcel yelled. “Look!” The helmet was still stuck on Jacks sword. There wasn't a body. “How is that possible? I've never seen magic like this!” Jack said as his eyes widened. He looked around for the caster but couldn't spot anyone. “The crest on the sword must belong to the sorcerer.” he added. Percy's coughs interrupted the two.
“Alright, let's go. There was a village just over that hill.” Marcel said pointing behind them. He walked over and grabbed his sword as well as Percy's. He reached for his tunic and ripped off a sleeve. Carefully wiggling the black knights sword inside as to not touch it. He walked back over to Percy and the two men picked him up. “Let's get you home.”
None of the three said much for the better part of the walk. Mostly, they were still confused as to what they just fought. The king's aids would know more when they got there. “Almost there, Percy. Hang in there!” He reassured. “I remember seeing horses on our way through we will have to borrow a couple.” Jack nodded. The three climbed the rest of the hill and stopped moving. They stared in horror.
“The villagers!” Jack yelled and ran toward the village. Marcel struggled to hold onto Percy.
“Be careful, Jack!” he said slowly making his way down with Percy. He looked at the village when he came closer. It was as bad as it looked. They were dead. All of them were dead.
“I think we know what did this. Look.” he pointed down at the slashes and cuts. “They're turning black.” He then pointed to Percy. “Just like his arm!”
“They tried fighting back. They were just a bunch of farmers. Who would do this?” Jack muttered and pointed to a few gripping shovels and other gardening tools.
“I don't know but the king has to know. We need to go at once there's nothing we can do. The horses were this way.” Marcel said leading them around the corner. They walked over to the stable and opened the door. “There they are! There's only two so I will take Percy. Help me get him on.” After a few moments Marcel and Jack finally managed to get Percy secured on his horse. As Jack was climbing onto his horse they heard a noise outside. Jack grabbed the two horses by the reins and led then to the door with Marcel.
“I don't hear it maybe it-” Jack stopped mid sentence as two black suits walked around the corner. He looked at Marcel and they both nodded. He leaned back to Percy. “Percy, you're in no condition to fight. You can barely move. Get this sword to the king. Tell him whats happened. We will be right behind you.”
“I-I can't-” he coughed, “leave you guys.”
“Yes you can, that's an order. Go!” Marcel said and slapped the horse. It gunned off in the other direction. “Well, Jack. We don't have a tree this time.” Jack grinned.
“Yeah. I doubt that would work a second time anyways.” he said and drew his sword.
“Shall we?” he asked and drew his sword.
“No, I don't think you should.” Said a new voice making Marcel and Jack look around behind them.
“Who are you? Are you the sorcerer?” Marcel questioned. The man was thin wearing red and black robes. His hands, arms, and face were covered in black markings that almost resembled cuts and some that resembled old runes.
“Who am I?” The shadowy figure asked back, “In your final moments and all you can ask is 'Who are you?'” He made a hand gesture and the two black suits grabbed them from behind.
“Let us go! Why are you doing this?” Marcel asked squirming. The more he struggles the tighter the grasp became.
“You were in my way. You almost caused me some trouble. Letting your friend run off like that. That poison will have him dead in an hour though, he won't make it far.” The man stepped forward some more to reveal his face. His eyes glowed silver. “It's so good to be home. We've waited a long time for this.” He turned an started walking away. He made another hand gesture and the suits ran their swords into Marcel and Jack.
“Open the gates! Now!” screamed a guard on the tower. Immidiately three men ran to get the gate. When it opened a lone rider ran through.
“I-I need to see-” he coughed violently, “King. Important-” He weezed as he struggled for his breaths. Two men grabbed him and carried him into the kings courtyard screaming for people to move. A third man ran and passed them to retrieve the king. At the far end of the courtyard they rushed to get the injured rider a chair as the king strode in.
“What is the meaning of this? What happened?” King ____ asked going up to the wounded.
“Har-” he coughed, “Hartlock is gone. Everyone is dead.”
“What? An entire village? What caused it? Tell me, soldier!” The king demanded.
“My name, Sir, is Per-Percy. It was a suit of armor.” Percy reached for the tunic sleeve. “It had no body. This was it's sword, the crest, do you know it, Si-”Percy collapsed on the floor. The king shook him, trying to wake him. Another man came.
“He is dead, sire. From the look of his arm it was poison.”
The king reached for the tunic cloth and sword. He wiggled the hilt out to see the crest. “No, this can't be.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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You don't spend a significant amount of time on your descriptions and other needless fluff, which is nice. The plot does move forward, things do happen, and generally speaking, I follow the story along. There are, however, some points of concern.
This story is neither finished nor edited. Certain sentences lack commas, certain words lack apostrophes, certain Kings lack a name (unless ____ is a name I can't pronounce). I won't go through all these, because Microsoft Word is a program that exists, and takes far less time to fix these errors than I do. If Microsoft Word is not an option, use a free online alternative, such as http://www.spellchecker.net/grammar/ . Although your story is readable as it is, you should respect your reader's time by at least going over it a few times before posting. The presence of these silly errors tells me that you did not do this.
Although I noted that I liked the absence of needless description, there are a few missing descriptions which are sorely needed. The piece opens with three men looking over lands, but no mention is made of what those lands look like. The necromancer steps forward so the three soldiers can see his face, and the only detail that's revealed is that his eyes glow a silver colour. Couldn't the three men already see his glowing eyes in the darkness? The necromancer's crest of arms is one that none of the soldiers have seen before. Well, what is it? What does it look like?
Why does the animated armour attack the three soldiers? If the necromancer wanted to kill them, why didn't he just send, I don't know, three armours? If he didn't, then why is that animated armour there in the first place? I assume your world is Earth-like, meaning there's a limited supply of iron, and an even more limited supply of artisans who can craft said iron into steel, and then into armour. Surely your necromancer isn't stupid enough to waste these precious, powerful suits of metal? Why does he let them wander hither and fro, getting destroyed by inconsequential patrol parties?
About three quarters through, the story lost me. One paragraph, the sorcerer kills Marcel and Jack in the village where everybody is dead. The very next paragraph, a random guard on a random tower screams to random three men. Weren't we just in the village? What happened? Where are we? Who is that guard? Was he spared by the necromancer's army? Why is there a king in the village where everybody is dead? Why, why, why.
Nobody is given any sort of motivation, or background, or cause, or thought. I cannot sympathize with these characters, Percy, Jack, and Marcel. They exist solely to die. When they die, I feel nothing. Do they have families? Lovers? Does one have a sick grandmother? Why is the sorcerer so evil? Why did he destroy a village out of the blue? Doesn't it make more sense to turn everyone into a zombie? I don't know, so I don't care about them, or the village, or the necromancer.
What is a similarity between a prologue, a title, and a first sentence? They all exist to catch the reader's attention. Unfortunately, this mess does little to encourage me to keep reading, so I will stop here. If you write expecting others to read your work, take the time to improve it as much as you possibly can before exposing it to your readers and expecting them to devote 15 minutes of their lives to your work. Then they will write you nice reviews.
Your servant,
cC
I'd honestly rather have a harsh review than a nice review. Means that they did actually look into it. I appreciate the review.
will fix everything soon.
Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!
Oh my goodness. This is just great! I really enjoyed reading this. You've certainly grabbed my attention and gotten me to want to read more. Kudos for that because that's what a good prologue does to readers.
You did a good job introducing the characters and I learned a lot about them. I would like to know what they look like though. There's no description of their looks. And they all die without me knowing this. So they just end up dying as nobodies to me, really. When you go back and edit through this, make sure to add some descriptions in there. It'll help the readers really connect with the characters.
There's really only one other thing I want to mention about this prologue. It's a bit too long for my tastes. Usually prologues are shorter, maybe just a few pages at the most. And they usually don't give away so much information. Think of a prologue as a teaser trailer for a movie, giving away bits and pieces of information, but never the whole story. I just feel like you've given away too much information. It's more of a chapter than a prologue.
That being said, I really did enjoy this. Whether this is like a prologue or a chapter, it doesn't matter. Your content is great, your characters are solid (except for some missing descriptions) and your dialogue is very realistic. I was really impressed with your dialogue, actually. I was amazed by how it just flowed when I was reading it. Very realistic and meaningful. Great job!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hello, there! Dragon here. Your story was a very interesting read I must say. The way you wrote was spot on. My one major complaint, your dialogue. I find that within, you didn't show the knights personality well enough. Unless Marcel and Jack are not the main characters, then flesh them out more, and the prologues the time to do so. Your dialogue wasn't anything unexpected, except for “Well, Jack. We don't have a tree this time." I'm going to be quite frank, if that was humor that was terrible. I'll put a few links here: http://homeworktips.about.com/od/writin ... alogue.htm
http://www.alicekuipers.com/10-tips-for ... -dialogue/
http://ywp.nanowrimo.org/files/ywp/ywp_ ... alogue.pdf
and if your going to incorporate humor, try this one too http://writetodone.com/how-to-write-funny/
tell me if they worked for you:) I hope to hear more soon!