A Cry of Unspoken Sentiments
By Dana
A naïve heart and an innocent soul
It’s what you perceive as you gaze at me
Façade of strength endures without console
My yearning, it’s something you cannot see
A voice in my head screams asking you why
You make me struggle and hurt yet I know
You have no idea, please don’t reply
It’s okay. The pain inside, I won’t show
It’s a fantasy I would never live
I reach for you as I reach for the stars
So thy self no longer will I deceive
For loving you never fails to bring scars
Forgive me; this rant is brought by my pain
I’ll learn from it, there is strength that I’ll gain
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Hello there, DANAdeyna, and welcome to YWS. You may want to get around to reviewing other members' works. Not only is it the way to get the points you need to post your writing, but it is also a great way to make friends.
With that said, onto the poem!
They rhymes in this felt very natural, for the most part. I am impressed. There are some areas where the rhythm of the poem was a touch off, and where the rhymes felt a bit simplistic, but overall, you have a very good ear for rhyme.
That said, there are a couple of issues that hold back this poem. Foremost among them is punctuation. The punctuation in this poem is quite inconsistent, which makes it difficult to understand. Generally, poems follow the same conventions of grammar as regular writing; by not following these conventions, you risk making your writing difficult to read. I suggest, considering how structured this poem is, that you add in the proper punctuation.
The next issue is language. You switch between archaic and common, and so this reads oddly, especially with regards to the pronouns. Choose whether you'll be using "thee" or "you", "thy" or "your", and stick with it. Switching between archaic and modern pronouns reads very strangely, almost as if you couldn't decide what time period you were trying to portray, or that you were trying too hard to sound poetic.
Lastly, as mentioned with the rhyme, a couple of your lines were off in rhythm. The easiest way to keep track of your rhythm is to count syllables. Having the pattern number of syllables per line in a stanza gives the poem a sense of unity and flow. Right now, you have a couple of lines that were a touch short or long, and this disrupts the flow. See if you can even them up.
Good luck.
Other than my corrections, I really like this poem! I especially like the line "For loving you never fails to bring scars". You're a great writer!