Warning: This work has been rated 18+.
Chapter 1
Arabella POV
Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. With every second the clocked ticked my eyes would blink. I was in a sort of trance. I could hear every minuscule sound in Mrs. Brett’s office. I could hear every breath she took, heartbeat, every time she shifted her weight in her chair and I could especially hear every note she made on her fastidious pad. Every sound in her office annoyed me and I could only count the seconds and minutes left in our session. I couldn't quite comprehend why I had to be there. I wasn't depressed and I certainly didn't hate my family, I tolerated my family just fine! I liked my life, I was content with it! I do admit, I have some temperament issues and at the moment I was angry for having to attend those ridiculous sessions in which I spent a whole hour looking at a clock. Waiting for time to pass.
When I thought back on how this nonsense of going to seek a professional and talk about my emotions came to be, I had to pin it on the one event that stood out in my mind most vividly this past spring. My parents marriage arrangement for me. Oh, how that one memory still infuriated me. Strengthening the bonds of both of the strongest clans our people has ever seen, my father had said with a smile on his never aging face. My mother had stood by his side, quiet without disagreeing. Of course, I didn't hear whatever else my father said since I blacked out in an outburst of rage. Woke up two days later to find out I’d provoked two horrible natural disasters. My older siblings thought it was ‘mad cool’, bunch of buffoons. I felt horrible for days for what I’d done. Naturally, when they’d recommended this horrible idea at the time, I was to stunned to give my parents the middle finger and keep going on with my day. So, now I sit here debating in silence whether I overreacted to my parents news or not, and recalling where I went wrong in all this.
I thought it was stupid I had to be here and a waste of a good sixty minutes of my everlasting life. But the thought I had enough time in the world calmed me a little bit and made a slight smile come across my face. Yes, when you can't seem to die or age time doesn't bother you as much. Mrs. Brett, my very annoying and not so old psychologist, caught the change in my face and proceeded to ask me about how things were going between me and my parents. The traitors! If not for them, I wouldn't be sitting here. A dirty look was all I gave her for an answer. I think it conveyed and summarized pretty much of how it was going.
I looked at the red clock in Mrs. Brett’s office and smiled. Time was up and I was free to go. I got up from the plush chair I was sitting in and stretched my limbs. Without a second glance at the psychologist, I made my exit. I felt sleepy every time I left here, my throat was always dry and my jaw hurt from clenching and unclenching so much. Refusing to talk and holding in all my thoughts was exhausting. The thought of sharing even a little bit of myself with a stranger paid to analyze me made me feel more like rebelling. So as I made my quick escape from the small office and jogged to my car, I made the decision to politely inform the parents I no longer required the services provided by Mrs. Brett before heading back home to the happy clan.
***
I sat at my parents driveway for about ten minutes just lost in thought looking at my cars steering wheel. I wasn't having any particular deep emotional thought. I was just thinking about how my parents might react if I dramatically ran away after the weddings news. Then I thought that wasn't really my style. So I ventured into a quick thought of killing my groom. Ancient style. But again, bad idea. The end result of my perturbed thoughts just led me out of the car and into my sweet home.
Just when I thought I could claim freedom and head to my room for peace and quiet, one of my older brothers Marcus grabs me and puts me in a headlock. “And where do you think you’re headed?” he said as I was struggling to get out of his hold. “You do know we have the bonfire tonight and you have to be there.” He let go of me and I straightened myself and looked at him with what I hoped looked like confidence.
“I know that. I don't need you around me to remind me what to do! Besides, it's just another meeting with the old crackers. It’s not a big deal.”
“I suggest you call them the Elders, instead of the old crackers Arabella. You’re not a child anymore and if you’re to take one day the place of our leader like our father wants you should start acting like one.”
“Do you headlock your future leaders? Besides, leading is boring and I’m still a younglin if we’re being honest, no one in the council expects me to be a leader. That task is reserved for those who care enough. Like you. Plus, you’re married already, smart and strong. Look at you! You be the leader of our incredible future. I’m out!”
“This is not a game of hot potato. You can't just throw your responsibilities onto others, Arabella. You were born into this and this position was to be yours since birth, whether you understand this yet or not. Your intended marriage is to strengthen your position and power. It’s not as bad as you think. I’m happy” my brother said looking into my eyes. His expression pleading me into understanding this was for my benefit. Marcus eyes seemed to hold sincerity in them. I know his arranged marriage worked. Amada is great to him, protective and loving. I see it in their eyes. But I don't really care for this for myself. I always thought I’d choose at least who I’d be spending the rest of my forever with. Not even having control over that made me feel powerless, even though those around me would say I hold the biggest power in our family.
“Fine! I’ll behave and keep the comments to a minimum.”
“And…” my brother prompted.
“I won't use my powers against those who seek to be our allies” I added with a fake sweet smile.
“By the gods why were you chosen?” he added under his breath, leaving me alone pondering the exact same question. Why me? I was the worst choice for succession.
*Work in progress. It's been forever since I've posted anything or written any of my ideas down. DEAR GODS!
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey there, Cynara! hexglass here for a review :^)
I want to start off by saying that this is a great first chapter, and I'm really excited to see what happens after! You have a very contemplative, clear writing voice (or perhaps that's Arabella's) and I was so easily immersed in the story. I'm going to run through this from the beginning, and mainly I just want to point out some grammar, though some parts come down to personal taste.
Here, I'd like to suggest adding 'every' before 'heartbeat', attributing it to the rule of threes. Since you're using 'every' again with the way Mrs. Brett shifts her weight, it would make more sense for every point you raise to have 'every', as it just flows better.
Generally, it's written as 'I will admit', but the way you've written works perfectly well
Since Arabella is currently participating in one of the sessions about which she's angry, I'd also use 'these' instead of 'those' to indicate proximity and relevance. The first time I read through it, I was confused for a moment about which 'sessions' she was referring to, because it didn't seem like she was currently engaged in one ('those' suggests greater distance from the current situation). :^)
For the sake of variety and flow, I would use a colon instead of a period to join your two sentences together. You can trust me to know colon rules, but I don't pretend to know them all so I will also direct you to this site! Also, since it's the marriage arrangement Arabella's parents made, there should be an apostrophe after 'parents' to indicate possession. Alternatively, if you're concerned about clarity, you can also reword it as 'the marriage arrangement my parents made for me', but it's completely up to you!
Woah, that sentence has impact. It's beautifully written, though you have introduced a pretty powerful skill, which might necessitate some explanation (or rather, the reader might, like me, be interested in learning more about the specifics of her power). However, if you're planning to elaborate on it in later chapters and have stationed the ambiguity and shock factor here intentionally, feel free to disregard this.
There's a vagueness to Arabella's position here, though the reader quickly understands. I might still offer you an alternative wording, though, because it doesn't hurt to have a bit more clarity:
'I parked my car in my parents' driveway and sat there for about ten minutes, just lost in thought as I looked at my steering wheel. I wasn't thinking anything particularly deep or emotional.'
This is by no means the only way to convey the ideas you're raising here; it's just an example I want to use for the sake of explanation. First of all, the reader only really understands that Arabella is sitting in her car when you mention looking at the steering wheel, and even then it's not for certain (I mean, she could be sitting outside of her car and still looking at her steering wheel, but that's not really a conclusion anyone is going to readily jump to...still plausible, though). Hence, its' unclear whether she's physically sitting in the driveway or in her car which is in the driveway, until that point. Editing 'looking' is personal opinion, however, so take it or leave it. :^)
As for 'particular deep emotional thought', I fiddled with it because you've already written 'lost in thought' in the previous line, so it might be preferable to avoid repeating 'thought'. It doesn't at all detract from your meaning, though, so you don't have to! If you are planning to keep 'thought' in your second sentence, you could consider changing 'particular' to 'particularly' -- they communicate two different ideas, yes, but you've put three adjectives in succession here and the other option is to put a comma after 'deep' (which also works!
This is a long way down, but I want to draw your attention to this bit of dialogue -- once again for clarification. There are two ways to interpret it: one, that 'I'm still a younglin if we're being honest' and two, 'if we're being honest, no one in the council expects me to be a leader'. Both are valid in terms of meaning, but I would like to know which one you were intending (Arabella is an intriguing character, so I genuinely wish to learn more about her!). If you meant the first one, you could put a semicolon ; after 'if we're being honest', to clearly separate the sentence and avoid blurring meaning. If it's the second, you could put the semicolon after 'younglin' instead, for the same purpose.
So, that's it from me! If I appeared harsh or critical in any way, I'm really sorry -- I was smiling the entire way through reading this chapter, and I really did enjoy it. These are just some suggestions, and you are not at all obliged to make the changes I pointed out.
I'm looking forward to reading more of your writing, and more of this story!
Hi hexglass!
I'm glad I could in some way make you smile.
Thank you so much for your honest review. I truly do appreciate it! A second eye is truly welcomed for me because I truly lack in the editing department :p I will be editing this baby asap!
Hey! M here for a quick review.
Great beginning! your word choice was really strong throughout the whole chapter. Honestly, the last part of your sentence 'you could say' isn't necessary. Take it out and it sounds better
Use another word instead of 'life' in the second sentence. Either combine both sentences or possibly shorten the second. Example: I wasn't depressed and I certainly didn't hate my family, I tolerated them just fine! I liked my life, I was content with it!
*You probably should take out '(by any means)'. I think you're trying to give the reader a sense of Arabella's playful demeanor, but you're giving them the same sense without it.*
Don't forget to capitalize the beginning of the sentence and make the 'a' before outburst and make it 'an'
Don't forget 'one'
I think it would sound stronger if you took out 'leader'. The reader gets what he's saying.
Last thought. Possibly you could give more description of the tribe and even give more descriptive material on what she is. Don't want to make it too vague. If the reader doesn't know what they're getting into then most likely the reader won't want to continue.
Overall, great work! I look forward to more material soon!
Hey M!
Thank you so much for your advice. I'll be keeping it in mind as I keep writing the story. Also, I'll be editing and fixing those oops moments you pointed out 