Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
Prologue
In the depths of Moeru-mura, a farming village in the mountains, a young boy by the name of Tsushiro speaks to his lone parent.
“Mother, what does it mean to be a samurai?” Tsushiro asks to a woman with long hair wearing a blue kimono.“Many believe that a samurai protects their honor, and fights no matter the circumstance. But that’s wrong. A true samurai knows when to fight, and when to....”
“Run!” A horseman screams to Tsushiro, the village aflame tens years later. Piles of ash flow through the scorched wind as men, women, and children alike scatter away from their families. Although many ran, more died to the flying serpents flames.
“Kami-Sama, please save us from this fate. Save us from the dragon before us. Save us!” A woman screeches raspy, the remains of her family crumbled up into a ball within her clenched fists.
“What are you doing, we need to go!” The horseman says.
Tsushiro stares blank into the red sky.
“Go on, Hiroa.” “What?!” “I said go on! I’m ready to die, Hiroa. Take me, great demon!” Tsushiro throws his hands to his sides.
“Damn it all, Tsushiro.” Hiroa grumbles, whipping his reigns. The horse neighs as it hurdles over bodies.
A serpent dragon, with the face of a lion, the whiskers of a carp, silver scales stained red in blood, and a body stretching out for what seemed to be a mile pops out from the side of a building, grabs Hiroa’s horse, picks the two up and roars. The flesh seared to the bone before the horse and Hiroa were swallowed whole.
Tsushiro’s arms drop. Before he could think, he found himself running. The dragon tailed closely behind, preparing a blast of fire. Although within his heart, he was ready to die-- deep within his mind he was not.
Tsushiro’s feet slip off of the edge of a cliff. The dragon smiles as Tsushiro struggles to grip onto the mountainside, fails and continues to fall. He goes unconscious once his head hits a large stone, his body flopping down to the bottom.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Thanks for sharing. First, I love adventure stories. This one caught my attention because of the exotic names and the oriental location.
Please note that the prologue is an opportunity to introduce the reader to the main character, in this case, Tsushiro. As a reader that’s what I expected. But the only thing we are told is that he is a boy who asks his mother a question. Then he is suddenly ten years in the future as an adolescent. Now, going into the future in the way you did is very interesting since the Samurai seems to be finishing the mother’s explanation about their philosophy of fighting. It is also a bit humorous although maybe not intended that way. But here is the problem. As a reader I haven’t been told enough about Tsushiro to care whether he lives dies or gets injured. In fact, I don’t know anything at all about him. So instead of quickly moving into the future, please tell us more about this boy so we can care about him when he runs and falls off the mountain.
http://theeditorsblog.net/2011/07/06/pr ... -prologue/
Suggestions:
ten years....
flying serpent[’]s flames.
“What are you doing[?] We need....”
....stares blank[ly]....
....dragon t[r]ailed....
Hey! This is a really interesting prologue.
In this bit I would suggest seperating the dialogue, because when a different person speaks, a new paragraph starts.
“Go on, Hiroa.” “What?!” “I said go on! I’m ready to die, Hiroa. Take me, great demon!” Tsushiro throws his hands to his sides.
This is what I mean:
"Go on, Hiroa."
"What?!"
"I said go on!" I'm ready to die, Hiroa. Take me, great demon!" Tsushiro throws his hands to his sides.
I didn't see anything else, but this is a really interesting prologue. I hope this helped and I look forward to reading more!