The covers of my bed feel so hot as they lay on top of me. My eyelids flutter open to see the surroundings of my room. The room is pitch black for a moment, whie I'm gaining awareness. I notice that I seem to be sweating something fierce yet I can't get a certain chill out of me. There's a weight on the bed beside me, and it's Sam. I feel more at peace to know he's here. He knows how sick I've been these past days. The only one who knows actually. I've never gotten sick. And no one is going to find out besides my best friend.
"Liri, what's wong? Are you ok?" Sam questions me sorrowfully. He lays his hand on my forehead, taking my sweaty temperature.
"Only a bad dream. I'm fine though, " I lie quickly. I turn over, my back to Sam. I bring my hands up to mouth and close my eyes, wishing for sleep. I can feel certain fluids coming up from my stomach slowly, and think the night is going to end badly if I'm not asleep soon.
"Liri, listen to me. You need to see a doctor!" He turns me back and stares deeply into my eyes.
"Shut up!! Let me go to bed or I'm going to throw up on you!!!" I yelled at my friend. That was the first time I ever yelled at him... I felt terrible as he got up and crawled out of my bedroom window.
"Listen, I was only trying to help you," Sam said. His black hair swayed in a slight breeze from outside. I could still see his blue eyes from my bed and wished he was back here with me.
"Sam, stay." I yelled as he started to close the window. "Please!"
He never heard me. I saw his figure move across my roof, then disappear into the darkness as he jumped to the ground. I sighed, and at the moment, threw up on the floor in front of me.
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139,720 Literary Works • 672,668 Reviews
it is good, I like they way you express her feelings after she shouts at Sam. I really felt his pain when she said it and how when he left she was distraught. you could put in a little bit more detail but other wise it was a very good story.
Thanks!
It was short, gave good way to what underlying feelings there are. Liri trusts Sam to know she's sick. Sam is looking out for Liri, despite her denial. However, it's vague. She screams at him to let her go to or she's going to throw up on him. Why doesn't she run to the bathroom? Is she too weak to move? Does Sam jump out of a 1 story window or 2 story window? It's good at portraying emotions, but the details vague and leave questions unanswered. I hope this helps your future pieces.
Thank you so much! That really helps me!
Hey there,
I see that you are new here, so welcome! I'm Puck. It's quite nice to meet you.
I like the concept here. But it feels incomplete somehow. Liri, the narrator is sick but she is in denial abut her condition and refuses to be helped by her friend, Sam. Short, interesting but I feel that your execution is a bit wobbly.
# Some of your sentences are oddly worded. Such as here,
I can sense what you are trying to say but it's not clear.
# There are typos here too, which you should correct because they are very disturbing.
Anyway, this is good is a way. Hope to read more from you.
Keep writing!
Thank you so much
The oddly worded sentences and typos are most definitely just examples of me rushing through my work. :/ Sorry about that.
I hope you like it!
Reminds me of people who want to help us but we turn them out. I sense metaphors in here. On the whole it sets me thinking, and that's what I like about it - the incompleteness.