Goodbye Nick (EDITED)

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Here to...
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Corrections and comments in RED.

CuteBalletDancer7 wrote:*** Hello! This is the edited version of my story. Thanks to captain.classy, bluewaterlily, Flower~Child, and penguinduan1 for helping me to edit it. So please help me make it better. (:
(Once again, this is my first story on here, and it's a true story.)

Goodbye Nick

At last, the school bell rang and I was ready to see Nick.(Your starting line doesn't really interest me at all, make it creative and more appealing, so your readers will get motivated to read this piece until the end. Like for example, show us more of the surroundings around her or even the people/students.) Nick was ('was' is too weak, and it's also kind of confusing. She never knew that they're going to break up, so why use the verb in past form? It's because if you say 'was' it will only mean that they've broken up already. Preferably to use 'has been'.) my boyfriend since the 12th (using numbers weakens your plot and it'll be better if you used it in 'word' form) of December and now we’re reaching our fifth months of being together. As I was walking to our usual spot, I was thinking of all the reasons why I loved him; his personality, his humor, and just who he was. I adored his hair, how it curled up above his eyes and how his eyes were just gorgeous. Nick was my first love and my first kiss. I remembered how he placed his hand under my chin and kissed me. He did it so slowly and passionate that I will never forget the emotions I felt that day. Suddenly, the sound of a gaseous bus(personally, gaseous bus sounds awkward) knocked me back into reality and I realized that I was smiling a little too much. Nick always had that effect on me. (One thing; the last line bothers me a bit. What effect? and Nick was not around her yet)

Eventually I met up with Nick and he took my hand in his. (Too fast, show us how they greeted each other, their faces, surroundings, etc.)We walked to the end of the building and sat side by side, (where? in a bench? be more specific and I've noticed you do a lot of telling) away from the noise and chaos of the other students. I noticed that Nick hasn’t said a word; in fact I realized that he hasn’t said much at all today.

“Are you tired, babe?” I asked, breaking the silent wall between us.

“No, no….,(ellipses, period and comma in one dialog? Erase unnecessary punctuations and preferably to use oneonly )” I could hear the hesitation in his voice, which made me worry what was going on with him.

“What’s wrong?” Something was holding me back from saying ’my love.’ (and personally again, 'my love' sounds too cheesy. lol)

“Hm, Clare, we need to talk…. (delete period after ellipses)” The worst words in the world. (How would you say they are the worst words?)“I want to end it with you.” I meant to lean back on the wall, but instead my body gravitated to him. I couldn’t speak as I fought to control my tears that desperately wanted to overflow.

“Please talk,” he told me, but how could I? (Italicize "but how could I?")I shook my head in response. He nudged me in the arm, urging me to speak.

“Just sad.” And I lost all strength as the tears fell.

“Oh, Clare…” the guilt trip had hit him and he held close as I wrapped my arms around him. I searched for my voice so I could ask him the main question that was on my mind.

“May I ask why?”

“Just lost feelings for you….” Ow.(Italicize this again) That was like (added 'like) a knife to the heart. “I don’t want to be in a serious relationship.” (Lol, this confused me a bit and the boy's too indiscreet and a bit heartless)

“What’s so serious about our relationship…?” I tried to continue, but the tears clouded my throat. He took a deep breath; there was something more. It wasn’t about a serious relationship; he was just sugar coating his real reason. (I don't get the sugar thing-y, please tell us. hehe)

“I don’t want to be in any relationship with you, I just want us to be friends,” another stab in my heart. The tears now came (Confusing again. Redundancy; I thought she's crying already)at a constant pace and still, he held me.

“I still love you, Clare,” 'as friends', he implied. “Clare, please….(delete period)let me see your face.” He rested his hand under my chin, but I dug my face into his chest. I didn’t want him to see me crying; (puzzles me; she's already crying)to see the hurt in my eyes. I knew I was stronger than this, I knew that crying brought weakness. However, he won and pulled my face up. I looked at him straight in the eyes.

“You’re making me sad.” My head fell back into place with his hands tightly around me.

“Listen, I want you to be happy and move on.” He kissed me on the forehead, I glanced up at him and his lips came to mine, but drew them back quickly; I wanted more… There were so many emotions storming inside me, so many memories that flooded my head.

I looked(watch out your tenses)down at his necklace, the one I have been wearing for almost five months. I placed it in my hand, (first, you have to say that you unhooked the necklace off around your MC's neck then placed it on her hands, 'kay? Also, it'll be really better if you describe to us how the necklace looks like) “Do you want it back…?” It’s simple question, but why does it hurt so bad. (Italicize the last few phrases)

“It’s up to you.”

“No, it’s up you.” (like this part, hehe.)

He used both of his hands to cup my mine around his necklace. (The line is awkward. I suggest that you need to rephrase it) “Keep it. I want you to keep it. It will help you. (Don't leave it hanging. It will help her from what?)” I let it fall to hand around my neck again and thread my arms to hold him one last time, with tears still falling. (Awkwardness strikes again, lol. Rephrase and watch out for your grammatical errors)

“Here, wipe your tears.” He used his shirt to dry my face. (Personally, using his shirt to wipe off her treas is so unromantic and a bit awkward to imagine)

“Sorry.” My makeup was going to stain (smear is good to use in this part rather than stain but it's just in my opinion)his white shirt.

“Don’t be…are you going to be okay?” He paused for a moment as I was clearing my throat. “I’m sorry, Clare.”

“I’ll be fine. It’s okay, I understand, it happens.” This wasn’t the first time that a guy lost feelings for me. A whole year later and I finally learned that sometimes people just lose feelings for someone. (Repeated words such as 'lost feelings' are sometimes never fun to read and for myself, though you don't have to take this personally... repetition annoys me a little bit)

“I had an amazing time with you.”('had' = ouch. ) He then recalled some memories that made me laugh a little. (In my opinion,that would be too depressing for your MC"s part. Why Nick is recalling a bit of their memories? If I was the girl, I would feel depressed 'cause it'll would only remind me everything, which makes me feel sad. Like they have been a couple before and now they've broken up)[/color] “I’m so glad we met in chemistry.”

“Yeah, I like it.”

“I loved it.”

“I loved it too.” And I hugged him closer to me.

“Let’s go. The buses are about to leave.” He helped me up and cleared the last of my tears. I looked at him straight in the eyes and with a final hug, we walked our separate ways. It was over. Goodbye Nick…

First off, I can see that you really need to rephrase some of your sentences here, might be awkward due to some grammatical errors, wrong usage of punctuation in the right place and time and etcetera.

Second will be about your tenses. You tend to switch your tenses back and fourth especially at the middle part or going towards the end. Remember, it confuses your readers and destroys a bit of this piece's flow. Be consistent with it, when your verbs are on past tense, be on past tense then.

Third is your punctuations. Yes, how you place or write punctuations are relly necessary. It brings aout the flow and everything. So watch out for those things.

I'll give you a quick example on that:

"Nick, please don't leave me," she said.

The example I just wrote is correct. Why you ask? Just imagine that you've deleted the two doubled-quotes, and so, it'll turn like this: Nick, please don't leave me, she said.

wrong if like this: Nick, please don't leave me, She said.

So, just be sure to watch the last punctuation. If it's a period or in question form, capitalize the next letter and vice versa.



Last but not the least is that pacing of this piece. I can see that you do a lot of telling, which is not really good. (You can search in Google about this: Show don't tell) Make use of good descriptions too. So let's go to the flow. You story moves a bit quickly, not intending to show us more of the emotions within your characters. you happened to make this fast and you need emotions going throughout here. Plus, I don't like how you portrayed Nick (he's being tactless), personally.
For short, the pacing and the emotions is what makes this story a bit unrealistic.

Overall: I can see this one has the potential to get better. You just need to lessen the awkwardness in your story. more descriptions and emotions too. PM me for questions.

keep writing!

Peace out!

~yuri

Hello cuteballetdancer7,
I'll start by saying that clearly this must have been a rough patch for you since it was a true story. With that being said, I think you could bring out the emotions with your main character more. Have the reader truly feel the main character's sorrow and pain! If you lived through it, you should know what this felt like more than anyone else.

At last, the school bell rang and I was ready to see Nick.

“What’s wrong?” Something was holding me back from say ’my love.’

What was holding her back? Talk about it more.

“Just lost feelings for you….” Ow. That was a knife to the heart. “I don’t want to be in a serious relationship.”

Again, describe how it felt to hear him say that. Yes, it may have been a knife to the heart, but that doesn't describe how it felt.

I looked at him straight in the eyes and with a final hug, we walked our separate ways. It was over. Goodbye Nick…

Instead of simply saying it was over, try saying something about all the memories they had together. Like "I said goodbye to all the moments in chemistry, goodbye to his kisses..." and so on.

I hope I helped!
-SodapopLunchbox

usually spot,

Usual

effect on me

Period.

“Are you tired babe?”

'tired COMMA babe'

“No, no….,”

No need for a comma here.

Something was holding me back from say ’my love.’

What was?

the worst words in the world.

Capital T

I fought to control my tears that desperately wanted to overflow.

This is kind of quick. She didn't even consider his words before she reacted. Have her have some inner thoughts then bring it to reality.

I shook my head in respond.

Response.

And I lost all strength as the tears fell.

No 'And'

the guilt trip had hit him and...

Capital T

“Just lost feelings for you….” ow. That was a knife to the heart. “I don’t want to be in a serious relationship.”

Hmm, first off, capital O. Second, why is he holding her and then saying these cold words? Is he cold, or compassionate?

friends,” another stab in my heart.

This isn't grammatically correct. Period then capital A

Clare,” as friends he implied.

I don't exactly understand this.

“You’re making me sad.”

This is quite an understatement don't you think? Maybe reword what she says?

I let it fall to hand around my neck again

I don't really understand this.

he paused for a moment as I was clearing my throat. “I’m sorry Clare.”

Capital H and comma after sorry.

“Yeah, I like it.”

Liked?

OVERALL:
This was very emotional for your MC, but not for me. I didn't feel her sadness, you only told me she was sad. Okay? Show me. Have her heart wrenching, head throbbing, SOMTHING. I don't know anything about this couple, why they'd suddenly split after five months when you've said nothing but good things about their relationship. If someone just said this to you, wouldn't you be asking more questions? Wouldn't you be doubting yourself and going over the past few weeks in your head for some clue to his sudden behavior? I'm not convinced they even felt anything for each other. Try putting some more emotion in this. You have her very assuming as well. Try to avoid that.
As far as character development, you are a little sketchy with Nick. He is being so cruel and yet he is whipping her tears and holding her. This does not convince me of his character. Your MC, she's confusing as well. She breaks down quite quickly without any thoughts or memories. Go more in depth with that.Go more in depth with everything.

Good work, but keep going with this. You have a good idea, but it needs some work. Good luck.

-Jayleigh