Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I was crouching down into the cool sheets, still in my boxers and white T-shirt. The breeze from the porch blew in the room as I stared at the moonlight reflecting from outside to the floor.

It was the dead of night, literally the dead of night for I felt lifeless in my bed, and also the lack of stars. The moon was only a waxing crescent. I pulled my cigarette to my mouth a took a small huff; I’ve been doing this the past two weeks, for I suffered nightmares keeping me awake, gasping as if for life, as I awoken from my bed like a zombie from it’s grave.

Hmm, well this seems like we've got someone who's having a bit of a tough time of it or at the very least someone whose had a verry tough day just trying to get up in the morning. I think you do a lovely job of really capturing that emotion here. It definitely manages to be powerful enough that as readers we immediately just have to wonder what could have happened to cause this situation and what it means for this person.

Clowns. Those dreaded creatures. They didn’t have to pull any chainsaw or knife out to frighten me, for their beady eyes and over sized shoes have done enough. Thinking over the nightmare, I took another huff of my cigarette and pushed the butt down to ashes on my nightstand.

I didn’t see what was so funny of these things. That was it, I was never going to have children. If I ever had to call up those monsters for a birthday party, I’d spend my time planning the party in a bat cave instead of that.

Still sitting in my bed, I stared across my bedroom at my mahogany wardrobe. This fear had started in such a distant memory, around only the age of six. It was a Halloween party, hosted by a young woman fashioning a tall hat and wart on the bridge of her nose. Welcoming us in, things only got more fuzzy into my thought process. All that was remembered was walking over to the counter tops of the kitchen. Were those counter tops blue or black? Marble or wood? More importantly, why did it matter?

Okayy well this is definitely an interesting twist here. Fear of clowns is a thing that exists although somehow the version that you seems to be attempting to depict here appears to be a little bit different to the one that's more commonly known. At any rate, its making this piece quite interesting here.

I closed my eyes and saw the hideous thing in the corner of the room, a giant compared to the small fragile me in the past. It smiled, teeth like spears and makeup like no other. Those inflated like white gloves reaching toward me then…

I clung my nails to my bed sheets my eyes still glued shut. It had to leave my mind slowly, I tried dissolving those memories once again, just once more. I then laid back across my bed, trying to snuggle my head against the pillow, my heavy burning eyelids taking time to relax.

Maybe this time I would finally fall back into sleep.

Well that was quite the ending there. I think you really tapped into the full on horror aspect of this a lot more powerfully than I expected and I love that. It really captures what put this person in a place to be in this state which just works wonderfully in terms of showcasing just what's at stake there. I think you've done a wonderful job of showing this moment here and capturing this horror. I do find myself wanting to know more about this character.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hey Curly! ^^ I'm not going to lie-- for anyone to become a good writer, they do have to work hard, no doubt about it! We're all making progress, learning, getting the hang of things like grammar and establishing our styles.

So, shall I get to it? I'm glas to see that you took a harsh review and turned it into something beneficial-- so many people would just freak out and yell at the reviewer! I worship your forever for taking that gracefully. This is going to be long and painful, though, I'll warn you in advance.

I'm going to go on major nit-pick mode, okay? Normally I don't do this, but I think it will help you to see some ways to make sentences clearer, how to properly punctuate, and things that will help your writing as a whole instead of just this isolated story!

I was crouching down into the cool sheets

Lesson 1.) Word choice

Now, think about this for a moment. I'm assuming that the narrator is either sitting on top of or tucked under his sheets, yes? Then, would he really be 'crouching down into' them? No. Crouching means ready-to-spring, which I don't think is the verb you're looking for. The word 'into' is a motion word-- let me explain.

She sits in the kitchen. --Passive description.

She runs into the kitchen. Action/motion description.

See how 'in' refers to where the character already is sitting? But 'into' refers to where they're sitting AFTER they run (motion). Does that make sense? Remember, PM me if you need me to explain these crazy ideas, okay? I'd be thrilled to help.

It was the dead of night, literally the dead of night for I felt lifeless in my bed, and also the lack of stars.

Lesson 2.) Repetition -vs- Redundancy

See how you repeat 'the dead of night' for effect, with a 'literally' in front? Yes. Well. Let me show you why I'm not really digging that.

In poems, a lot of times you see the same words repeated throughout the poem. In lyrics, too; there's a refrain/chorus that's repeated a lot. That's repetition, and it's okay. It strings everything together, gives it a pattern and such.

But let's say you having a story that goes like this:

The girl with the black hair was a black-haired girl with hair on her head that was as dark as night. I was really, really dark. And she was a girl.

xD See how ridiculous that sounds? It's because, first of all, they repeated things right after each other, which is usually not the best idea, and secondly, it was a flat description, which makes this redundant instead of repetetive in a good way! Yeah, we get it: the girl has black hair.

So, what am I getting at? I'm saying that try to avoid using the exact same words back to back, and make your repetition creative!

for I suffered nightmares keeping me awake, gasping as if for life, as I awoken from my bed like a zombie from it’s grave.

Lesson 3.) Keeping the narrator in character

for I suffered nightmares keeping me awake, gasping as if for life, as I awoken from my bed like a zombie from it’s grave.

Alright. I'm going to show you two different ways to say the same thing, through different characters and narrators.

One-- Alas, I am so forlorn and lost within the caverns of my torment. For what is life, anymore, so desolate and empty without her love, as hopeless as shriveling flowers that slowly descend into the grasps of the underworld?

Two-- What the heck? This sucks. Why did she have to leave me? I mean, God! This is stupid. Life is stupid. I just wanna sleep, and maybe eat some chocolate, too.

See how the same thing was said so differently? It's because the authors used their own words, their own inflections, their own spin on things. The first one sounds like some gloomy Shakespeare, yes? And the second sounds like an emo teenager. But they're both saying the same thing-- I'm not happy because my girlfriend is gone.

In the sentence I quoted, your MC (main character) suddenly sounds sophisticated and uppity. It's because of the 'for' and the 'as' and words like that. The word 'for' could be easily replaced with 'because', and the part about 'gasping as if you life' could be simply 'gasping'; 'as I awoken' could be 'as I woke up'. See? Just keep in mind that you should stay in character with your first-person writing.

That was it, I was never going to have children. If I ever had to call up those monsters for a birthday party, I’d spend my time planning the party in a bat cave instead of that.

Lesson 4.) Clarification (AKA: Making Sense), and characters overreacting

Hmm... I don't get the part about a bat cave. And the first reviewer is right, they can still have kids and avoid clowns at birthday parties! This seems like a big overreaction.

Now! Characters do overreact sometimes! That's so true! However, if you have a character overreact, chances are they'll do it again and it's part of their personality. Make sure, when developing a charcter's personality, that you stick with a couple of traits and keep them up the whole story.

Welcoming us in, things only got more fuzzy into my thought process.

Lesson 5.) Connecting actions with the people/things doing them

Now, when you say 'welcoming us in' you're referring to the lady with the wart and the hat. You're not referring to fuzziness or the person's thought process. (Unless the fuzziness is welcoming them in, or the thought process is welcoming them in? ) You describe the woman welcoming and then move onto the MC being confused. Why can't you do this? Because it's slightly confusing, you know? Try something like this:

Welcoming us in, the lady watched me with concern as I felt my thoughts growing fuzzier and fuzzier.

See how then 'the lady' is connected to the welcoming?

(again, PM me if this makes sero sense)

It had to leave my mind slowly, I tried dissolving those memories once again, just once more.

Lesson 6.) Semi-Colons!

This is easy, because it's just grammar. Check out this link on Semi Colons, as well as maybe Googling them to figure out when they shoudl be used!

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewarticlebody.php?t=43660

the Ending?! Whaaa...? What happened?!

Lesson 7.) Coming to a close, or finding a good resolution to end at!

So, here, your MC is talkign about slowly forgetting the memory of the clown, yes? AND THEN! And then, he's talking about going to sleep at last! But...but...nothing was solved! He didn't get over his fear of clowns, he didn't come to terms with his past experience with clowns, and he didn't finish the story as a better person than he did when he began! (Or she-- we don't really know.)

This isn't a very satisfactory ending, honestly. For your readers to feel really good about the way the story concluded, you have to give us an answer to the problem. Your problem? The charatcer is scared of clowns. What's the answer? It doesn't have to be that he suddenly loved clowns, but maybe that he's realized clowns are part of his past, maybe that he realizes he can use that phobia to make him a stronger person. Whatever the answer is, give us some conclusion!

So, overall, I think you have a wonderful start for character development. You can't exactly write a novel out of being afraid of clowns, but you certainly can make the MC in your novel afraid of clowns just to give it some extra OOMPH! I thoguht your characterized this guy/girl very well, actually, despite how harsh I may have sounded.

Good luck with everything! (PM me for anything. too.)

~Evi

Hiya Curly!

I was crouching down into the cool sheets, still in my boxers and white T-shirt. The breeze from the porch blew in the room as I stared at the moonlight reflecting from outside to the floor.

I would add more description to what the MC is wearing. The boxers could be any color. I don't know, it just kind of grabbed my attention.

I think you mean 'on the floor.'

I pulled my cigarette to my mouth a took a small huff; I’ve been doing this the past two weeks, for I suffered nightmares keeping me awake, gasping as if for life, as I awoken from my bed like a zombie from it’s grave.

I'm not sure I like the 'took a small huff' part. It's really iffy. Some people may think it's okay but honestly, I do not like it.

I don't think like a zommbie from it's grave are the right words either because I picture the wrong thing. I picture her waking up with her arm out and you know, acting like a zombie.

Clowns. Those dreaded creatures. They didn’t have to pull any chainsaw or knife out to frighten me, for their beady eyes and over sized shoes have done enough. Thinking over the nightmare, I took another huff of my cigarette and pushed the butt down to ashes on my nightstand.

Still sitting in my bed, I stared across my bedroom at my mahogany wardrobe.[/quote]
First of all, the MC didn't move so the first part is unnecessary.
Second of all, I thought they were crouching and not sitting. There's a difference.

I clung my nails to my bed sheets my eyes still glued shut.

I dug my nails into my bed sheets...
or
I clung to the beed sheets with my nails [comma] my eyes still glued shut.

Overall;
It was short and kind of boring. All she they are doing are talking about how much they hate clowns. Not much going on. I guess I can't really say much because it's really short. So write so more then post it.

Well, I guess the title gave it away. What the story was going to be about, I mean. You need to add more to it so it's more interesting.

Becca

Okay, first of all clowns should be in italics.
To make it more dramatic:
Clowns.

Those dreaded creatrures...
I think it makes it more... interesting to read.
Would she/he really put out a burning cigarette on a nightstand? I just can't see somebody doing that unless if they were a pig and didn't care.

I didn’t see what was so funny of these things. That was it, I was never going to have children. If I ever had to call up those monsters for a birthday party, I’d spend my time planning the party in a bat cave instead of that.

This bothers me. A lot. Why would she not get kids because of clowns at birthday parties? Hello. She controls the birthday party. SHe doesn't need a clown. Plus, I have never been to a birthday party for anybody of any kind where there was a clown. I don't even know any clown services so this seems kind of old and unrealistic. And really sudden.

It was really abrupt and kind of put a bump in the flow.

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